Medication

From my layperson's perspective, there doesn't appear to be a lot of medical research into addiction. I suppose it is a little bit like malaria.  It's not news because it happens all the time.  News is reporting what's new or different, or what's changed.

I am heartened to hear of new medication options that might help people struggling with addiction.  (This is link to the radiolab episode "The Fix").

I remember when SSRIs were becoming more mainstream in the early 90s.  It's amazing how much difference medication can make.

Many friends (including me) were anti-medication.

And there are good reasons for the skepticism.  The psychiatric community historically has discriminated against women (if not people of color).  And that's completely ignoring the treatment of the LGBT community until quite recently.

But I also know many people who have benefited from the medications (including me).  For me, I think it's pretty obvious.  Just like my body not making enough thyroid hormone, my brain doesn't appear to handle serotonin appropriately.  For me, it's been an simple equation - I take thyroid medication, and my symptoms decrease.

So I agree with the notes in the podcast that medication radically changed how people viewed mental illness and talk therapy.

With that said, I still see a tremendous amount of value in talk therapy (i.e. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).  Medication can work wonders, but there are still thought patterns that may need to be examined.  There are relationship skills that need to be learned (or strengthened).  CBT can help a person develop boundary setting and healing from trauma that cannot happen just through taking a pill. And it doesn't have to be a life sentence.  Medication may be needed for a short amount of time for getting through something (like death or a divorce), but can also be decreased over time.

So medication for addiction may be incredibly helpful for those struggling with addiction.  But in the end, there may also be a great deal of value in examining the underlying issues of addiction.  How does a person deal with the uncomfortable feelings that led to the addiction in the first place?  How does one interact socially when all social interactions involved a substance?

It's incredibly complex, and I'm not even scratching the surface of the issue's complexity.

Self care

I read this post this other day, and despite no longer being an active mormon, I can relate.  I too would not make it through the holiday season without boundaries.  There is simply a lot to do.   And I prioritize what I do. 

And - I don't do busy work during the holidays to make the holidays the best ever for people around me (which I used to try to do). 

I have a habit of trying to do too much in order to ignore whatever is going on around me (and the holidays are a great excuse for this).  Trying to please others constantly is usually a recipe for disaster.  Being kind to other people, being other-focused are fine; but focusing on my feelings and needs are important. 

Some things that have helped me during the holiday:

-I try to work out regularly and plan time to work out
-I make sure to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables (it's easy to try to get one's kids to eat veggies, it's much harder to remember to eat them yourself).
-I try to sit underneath one of those SAD lights on a regular basis
-I take fish oil and vitamin D
-I don't go overboard with baking

I'm mentioned it before, I wasn't really taught how to do all this stuff growing up. I was taught how to bake, wasn't necessarily taught to say no if someone asked me to do something. 

I agree with the "be the change you want to see in the world" philosophy.   So I have to take care of myself first, be aware of my own needs, and then reach out to others.  I focus on the present and what's going on now instead of outcomes. 

Gratitude can help reduce stress

A meme on a certain social networking site is to list out all the things my friends are grateful for.

I think this is great.  I have some friends who are put off by the gratitude thing - perhaps seeing it as self-righteous or holier-than-thou.  Or perhaps that gratitude requires us to do something - compels us to some action.  I'm not sure I agree with that. 

Yet it appears that practicing gratitude can reduce stress and  help us focus on the positive rather than the negative.  It doesn't surprise me that our brains focus on the negative and threats. 

There is a crack in everything - that's where the light comes in

Our internal wiring is still that of 30,000 years ago - when paying attention to threats like bear attacks and weather related phenomenon helped keep our species alive.  Our brains still have that wiring, despite the fact that most of us will probably not have to face bear attacks in our lifetimes.  A podcast I listened to likened it to running modern software on the first computers - the kind that required punch cards to program.  Our brains haven't been upgraded.

So I do think about the things I'm grateful for - a lot.  I have a great deal to appreciate in my life. 

Maybe it's the Ukrainian/Eastern European in me - whatever may be going on, I know it could be so much worse! 

So I like reading about the people and things people are grateful for.  Everything from shoes to schools to children and health.  I'm grateful for science - that we can study this world and try to make sense of what's going on.  I'm grateful for good books.  I'm grateful that when our p.c. has been breaking recently - I know enough that I can open it up and install a new fan. 

I Don't Want To Talk About It

Some may wonder why I would be interested in a book about male depression. 

Simply put, depression impacts everyone.  The argument Terence Real makes in this book is that covert depression affects men, and wreaks havoc on their families.  This is different from the traditional model of depression - where a person is not able to sleep, eat, work or function normally.  Real's theory is that anger, workaholism and abuse of substances like alcohol in some men is generally related to depression.  That sometimes depression in men doesn't fit the traditional "bell jar" model, but it can be just as damaging to everyone. 

For some, anger is expressed towards oneself (depression has often been described as internalized anger).  The author gives examples from his own practice and therapy groups (anonymous of course). Traditionally, the only acceptable emotion for men has been anger. 

Real talks about how many parts of American culture are designed to cut men off from their feelings, from appearing weak or feminine.  He mentions the passive trauma that many boys (but in my opinion, many children) face.  That this "passive trauma" can long term be just as damaging and can sew the seeds of adult depression. Real gives examples of his father's explosive anger and physical abuse, teachers watching as a boy is bullied each day for being "fat", kids who ignore a coach who punches a student. 

Boys are often told to "be a man" - but what does that mean, really?
It is weighted and treacherous subject matter.

I have long thought strict gender roles hurt everyone - men and women.  In this book, Real suggest that the socialization of men can be just as damaging as it can be to women.  That men often need to gain access to their feelings, being more relational to develop better relationships - with themselves, their spouses and children. 

He is suggesting that by addressing the covert depression in men - the whole person can be healed. That parts of the cycle of violence can be broken*.  That often, men will not seek therapy or help for themselves, but to not be the same person as their father was.  It's not that

I mentioned "pansy crap" earlier.  This was mentioned in a comment at MSP a few months ago; I can't find it at the moment. 

There is a ton of anger, suspicion and fear towards men talking about their feelings.  It's almost explosive - talk about a problem-with-no-name in American culture.  Comments like "pansy crap" are meant to dismiss men, their perceptions and feelings.  (The ultimate insult for a man is still to be like a woman).  And while men may deny their anger and fear - their families and children can suffer. 

Until the base assumptions are addresses, and men and women are allowed to explore their full potential and authenticity - we will make no progress as a culture.

*One case study in the book talked about his wife's feelings first, her disappointments, fears, etc.  The notion of carried feeling - children trying to make their parent's mistakes right - struck a little close to home for me.  What am I trying to do because it's right for me? What am I trying to do to heal, fix of change my parents....yikes.

Empowerment

A handful of friends of mine are going through some challenges at the moment.  Weddings, pregnancy and break -ups, to be specific.  I have to admit, going through each of those things have been some of the hardest challenges I've faced in life so far. 

I've discussed some of my experiences here before, but not really how difficult things were during these specific rough times.  Some of the feelings like the raw disappointment and despair when my first boyfriend broke up with me are gone, long gone.  They were very real while I was going through them, but life moves on.  I've had so many other beautiful, maddening, insane experiences since then...it's hard to remember exactly how I was feeling without the haze of time.

All this is to say, I have a strong belief that each person has the ability to figure out their own problems.  It is within them.  If the answer is not within them, they have the ability to ask for help.

This is a different reaction for me than my nature.  Typically I am the type of person who will tell you what to do with your life.  I've realized how smug and arrogant that can be. I've also realized that I simply don't have all the information and never will about another person's life. 

I don't know what's right for them.  I can't know what's right for someone else.  The only person I can hope to understand is me.

Food

Food has been an stressful thing for my family of origin. It's not the only stressful thing, but somehow it's up there in terms of conflict and stress.

I suppose I always knew this, but recently I've come to an increased awareness of it.  It should be simple, right? It's just food.  It's just money.

I think being aware of why things are the way they are, and accepting that - we can figure out how things can change (if they can change).

Money is where it started, as most things start with finances.  Growing up my Mom was responsible for grocery shopping and meal planning.  My Mom was a stay at home homemaker.  Money was very tight as our family kept growing on one income (four kids under the age of five, five kids under the age of eight).

Money spent on groceries must have been something my Mom could control. 

The other day, I was at the grocery store and I remembered that my Mom used to sort the food on the conveyor belt before checking out.  I was trying to figure out why she would do this.  (I would ask her why here in the present, but she would probably say she either doesn't remember doing that, or doesn't know why she did that.  So my impressions get to work for us both.)

I think she would group the crackers or vegetables together because later she would go through the receipt - line by line.  Making sure everything she bought was on the list and needed.  And probably checking the price to see how prices had gone up.

This would have happened only when she had energy.   I can't imagine how exhausting having so many young kids might be.  She also suffered from undiagnosed depression, which also would have impacted this process.

As a result, where corners could be cut, they were cut.  We never went hungry, and we always had "balanced" meals.  Not necessarily low sodium meals - lots of food from cans.

But if my Mom could buy stewed tomatoes for $.05 cents less than diced tomatoes, she would.  And she would drive to multiple stores to get the best prices. I do the same thing- but as an adult I'm aware of the cost of time, gas and other factors.  Is it really worth two gallons of gas (and the illusive environmental impact) to drive and save $.30 on a can of tomatoes?

So I think it had a lot to do with control, and with feeling successful about feeding our family.  I see commercials or tips for parents to save money on groceries - and I confess, a part of me cringes.  Saving money is a good thing. But there is a point where the quality of life suffers.  I am not saying that our quality of life suffered - but the goal is making the best tasting meals, that everyone likes, for the least amount of money - something's going to give. 
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Cooking is also a skill.  Just like painting a wall, writing a paper, fixing a vacuum cleaner.  Cooking is not a "natural" talent for everyone - just because a person is a certain gender, or has a certain ethnic identity doesn't mean they will be able to cook. And it's not just cooking - again - it's cooking on a strict budget, for eight people, with a variety of tastes. My Mom had (has) some dishes she makes very well.  And my Dad did cook some of the time. 

But no matter how she felt, my Mom made dinner, for all of us.  And sometimes she was more successful than other times. And going out to eat was way too expensive. Going out was rare - so rare that I remember heated disagreements with my siblings about where we would go.  Since going out was so elusive, you wanted to make sure you went somewhere you wanted to go. 

So as adults, we have all this baggage that informs discussions and gatherings around food.  And to top it off, now some of us have food allergies or other dietary needs.  Not that anyone should be blamed for developing food allergies - it's just another thing to try and consider that makes meals much more difficult.

And just like with any group of adults - some people don't care for certain types of ethnic food, or had a bad experience at a particular restaurant chain, etc.

It makes discussing and negotiating food issues difficult. 
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I visited my family earlier this month.  The visit went well.  I had been sick the week before, and May is a notoriously busy month for me.  I sent my Mom an email talking about potential plans, discussing what I would be willing to make.  I didn't explicitly say that I would get groceries while I was there (with whatever they might have in their pantry) but I was planning on it. And that's usually how the routine goes - I go out and get coffee each day while I'm there (my parents have a coffeemaker?  ha!).  And I get groceries to help out - and to have a bit of my own say/control.

I arrived at my parents' house, and find out that instead my parent's would make another dish (one that I hadn't particularly liked as a child.  Did I mention I was a picky eater??)

So I had a choice, at that point, to flip out (which I probably would have done twenty years ago) or to go with the flow.

I talked about it with my Mom later - not getting angry, just curious asking her what her thought process had been.  She had seen my e-mail, and immediately thought of a reason that the meal I suggested wouldn't work ( a food allergy that as far as I know no one has) but instead of talking with me about it she just decided to make something else. 

This is pretty classic behavior for my Mom, for the record. 

Throughout the conversation, I just felt good about being able to explain my request without getting angry and confrontational.  And to make a request that in the future, she and I need to be able to discuss this type of thing.

With that said, however, food in my family of origin is pretty much like a hole in the road - it's there and not going anywhere.  I get to decide how to react, and how to make sure my needs are met.  And let the rest go.

Putting Up with Anything

I've talked about a bad work experience I had here.  I started thinking about my crazy boss as I was reading about Stella's work experience on her blog here.

Believe it or not, it can be difficult in a job situation to know what is normal or acceptable.  It's not really something you learn in school - where those boundaries are.  What you will or will not put up with in a work environment. 

Looking back, I was only at that job (with the con artist boss) for a month.  I was a temp.  Why did I stay so long in a crazy environment?  It's what I was thinking of reading Stella's blog.

I'm glad I woke up and left.  (I tried to train my replacement. For  whatever reason, my boss didn't think she would work out - perhaps she was less of a mark than I was?)  But there were some clear signs that things were not normal, and were not where they needed to be.  My boss screaming at people on the phone was probably a good sign.  One or two people, maybe.  But anyone who said no, anyone who said they had to follow procedure, they had to check references.  He would start screaming and ask to speak to their supervisor.

The customer is not always right.

I realized the other day that I've changed.  I used to be proud of the fact I could put up with anything.  It was a badge of honor of sorts. 

I'm not sure when that changed, but it has.  It's not that I couldn't get into that situation again.  I could.  I have an affinity for insane work environments.  But I'm older.  I won't put up with anything anymore.  I don't have to.  There are things I won't put up with-life is too short. 

Life is Pretty Good

I talk a lot (here) about relationships, mental health and boundaries - because I think a lot about those things.  I don't feel a need to put on a false front here; to pretend that life is more rosy than it is.  Life has not always been easy for me or for those I love.  I don't have to impress anyone, or I don't mean to impress anyone with what I write here.

I don't really talk a lot about how good life is at the moment.  And even at the lowest points over the past few years, there are/have been parts of life that are very, very sweet. 

But life at the moment is pretty good.  I feel better and more grounded that I have in a long time.  It's not that I don't have challenges, I do.  But the more I figure out what I can control, and what I can't, the better off I have been.  And I've been more independent than I have been in a long time as well.  Being more independent was a goal of mine, so I have been setting (and meeting) my goals.

I'll give an example.  One of the drains in our basement was backed up, again.   So we called the plumber to clear it out.  Our home is around 60 years old, so this is par for the course.  I realized that I hate paying repair people and plumbers in particular. 

I've joked for a long time that I'm in the wrong career, that I should have gone into plumbing (it would be more lucrative).

And I realized this morning, as I was paying for the plumber to come out for the second time in three months,  I could take a home plumbing repair course.  I'm sure they're out there. 

I don't have to get upset or caught up in how much I'm paying for other people to repair my house.  I can work to learn how to do it myself. 

There are things I need to put up with, to accept - and there are things I can change. 

The notion is quite freeing. 

Out of touch with Feelings

Some years ago, various well-meaning friends and counselors/professionals mentioned to me that it sounded like I "was out of touch with my feelings".

At first this statement really p*ssed me off. I had no idea what they meant, AND even worse, I had no idea what I could do about it. It sounded like a bunch of woo, or even worse, horse pucky. Being someone who excelled at lots of things over the years, it was also hard to hear that maybe there were some things I wasn't so great at.

Perhaps this is a nice way (euphemism) to say "heavy denial", and if so, it was/is true.

I was in denial about lots of things for many years - even long after I had been an active mormon. Through study, time and cognitive behavioral therapy, I think I have a better handle on what this means, on what it means to be out of touch with one's "feelings".

Basically, when growing up, some people are raised in families where authentic feelings are *not okay*. If someone is angry, scared or sad, these are not acceptable feelings. It's not good to be negative, and particularly be negative outside the family. There are rarely appropriate outlets for these feelings, and if there are, they are rarely taught/learned. Even at a time where someone was very sick or at a funeral, sometimes these feelings are not accepted. Think ("you're going to take drum lessons and you're going to like it - no matter what you want").  For the record, I am not saying that my own family never allowed outlets for feelings, just that it was something that I believe we struggled with.

Another friend talked about "choice" and "accountability" within families. This goes hand in hand with acknowledging and honoring feelings. Having choice means that children/family members are free to decide if they want to do something. They are free to say no. They are free to be sick (if they are sick).

Accountability means that if a person says no, or show up or does something, that there are consequences (positive or negative).

So for me, getting in touch with what I'm feeling is to think about specific feelings (anger, sadness, fear). I no longer focus on what other people around me are feeling. Other people and their opinions are important, but it goes back to that internal boundary I have talked about before (is it true? is it not true? and letting the not true stuff go).  I may have another post on the internal boundary thing.

Again, figuring out what others were feeling was a skill I learned very well from a young age (either from being raised mormon or being raised mormon in my family). It was better/easier/a coping mechanism to keep track of how everyone *else* was feeling, than my own wants, needs, likes or dislikes. What I liked wasn't so important, how I felt wasn't important because it wasn't useful. It didn't get me anything.

What was important was the family, the church, my peers, people joining the mormon church, etc.

I'm not suggesting that people should be completely self-focused or self-indulgent (that's another can of worms). But when I was able to start to separate what *I* wanted, my expectations of myself vs.other people and their expectations of me, it became easier to navigate relationships. Also, separate out what I could control, and what I could not control (other people's feelings or responses).

Talking about those authentic feelings can get scary for some families/some family systems. Sometimes people will claim someone is being "selfish" for setting boundaries, for being accountable for the things they offer to do and don't. A big part of being accountable is saying yes, but also being accountable to say no and not feeling guilty about it.

I would much rather any friends of mine said "no" to a party or gathering than show up and complain or be in a bad mood the whole time. I'd rather they took care of themselves. Honestly, gatherings where everyone genuinely wants to be there are so much better. You can tell when someone feels obligated or doesn't want to be somewhere.

I think this is a different message than what's given in some organizations (the LDS church, but other organizations as well). And it's unfortunate - because it means that people "fake" what they are feeling, fake friendships or relationships.

It's certainly an easier business model to force people to do things no matter what and not accept no for an answer. Or to use guilt, passive-aggression, intermittent rewards, etc. to get what you want. But the people who actually want to do something and be somewhere...they're the most motivated, and their enjoyment and gratitude shows.

PS. I don't know how mourning and grief play into this, but I think part of the feelings thing is accepting that some things/people/relationships are not the way you want them to be. Then after that acceptance, figuring out what you can do about it.

Each person comes up with their own answers to these questions, and their own decisions (and accepts the various consequences).

And PPS. This is even more complicated for men, who are taught from a very young age that most feelings are not okay. A good reference for that (I still need to read it myself) is "I Don't Want to Talk About it: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression" by Terence Real.  I'll read it and review it here at some point.

An emergency on your part

I've been thinking about crisis living recently. I learned about living full of drama, crisis to crisis from an early age.  There was always something to be worried about.  There was always something to be concerned about. 

If nothing else, I remember (distinctly) sitting at the breakfast table with my mother, while she talked about her dreams the night before.  One dream/nightmare was that we would have to pack everything up and move to Missouri (in handcarts, because there wasn't any gas for cars)**.  We didn't live in Missouri at the time, so it would have been a long trip

As an adult, I've worked very hard at breaking free of this cycle.  Some days I succeed.

Currently there is some stuff going on that I could be freaking out about.  Five or ten years ago, this would have looked very different.  But I've learned that just because someone else is freaking out - doesn't mean *I* have to. 

It's like the classic copied sign behind the school secretary - an emergency on your part doesn't mean an emergency on my part.

I'm not feeling heartless.  Just that, living here in the present is pretty d*mn important to me. 

Figuring out whether or not something is a big deal (and worth getting upset about) is also critical.  And figuring out who I'm responsible for, and what I can control is what keeps me away from the drama.

It can be frightening; it has been frightening. 

It's like stepping back and asking yourself - who do I want to be?  Do I want to be someone caught up in what everyone else is doing, thinking and feeling each day?  Or do I want to focus on myself, on the beauty of what's around me, on the people I love? 

When the choice became that obvious, it really was no longer a difficult choice.



**(btw, for the non mormons out there, one of Joseph Smith's revelations was that all the Saints would gather in Independence Missouri in the "last days" before Christ returned.  Whether or not this is still the case, that most active LDS believe this, is debated amongst some mormons).

Spring and Situational Depression

So I was going to write a post on situational depression - how it happens and how I believe it's real and how it doesn't necessarily degrade the notion of clinical depression.  I wasn't sure that it was really mentioned in the  recent series on depression. 

For the record, I'm talking about the type of depression where one has recently lost a loved one, lost a job, went through a divorce or is in a stressful situation.  In addition to therapy and medication, making changes to one's situation can be important as well.  Sometimes I feel like that's heresy to some people, but that's my belief.  PS.  It appears that wry may agree with me!  So I must be right. ;)

I decided I wasn't interested in writing a long post about that.  What works for some people doesn't/won't work for others.  In the end, people will reach the point where they realize they can't manage their own lives and change.  Or they won't. 

I will say, I have found personally, making changes to my situation(s) and perspective has greatly helped me. 

Spring is definitely here, however.  I was thinking we would get another snowfall - but it's March 19th and no snow yet!  Yay!

Each year during the winter I keep thinking that my kids are watching too much television and too many movies - then, it never fails, the weather warms up and we migrate outside. 

I'm not sure if these two thoughts are related or not.  Perhaps they are more related than one would think.

Oh. Well, No Wonder.

I've been reading this thread - on the believing LDS blog "By Common Consent".  It is very interesting.

 I personally am glad that the stigma among LDS is lifting, and that people are finally beginning to talk about depression and mental illness.  There is an acceptance that mental illness is real, not some scam by greedy therapists.  There is an acceptance that it has some basis in biology and cannot be simply prayed or studied away.

I did see this quote from an LDS leader (prophet) from 1986. 

Ezra Taft Benson, “Do Not Despair”, Oct. 1986. (this is the fourth paragraph down), in case anyone would like to verify my sources.

“First, repentance. In the Book of Mormon we read that “despair cometh because of iniquity.” (Moro. 10:22.) “When I do good I feel good,” said Abraham Lincoln, “and when I do bad I feel bad.” Sin pulls a man down into despondency and despair. While a man may take some temporary pleasure in sin, the end result is unhappiness. “Wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10.) Sin creates disharmony with God and is depressing to the spirit. Therefore, a man would do well to examine himself to see that he is in harmony with all of God’s laws. Every law kept brings a particular blessing. Every law broken brings a particular blight. Those who are heavy-laden with despair should come unto the Lord, for his yoke is easy and his burden is light. (See Matt. 11:28–30.)”

All I can do is sit back and wonder - and shake my head.

I've spoken before about undiagnosed depression within my family growing up.  Well, no wonder!  My parents were faithful mormons.  We didn't drink caffeinated sodas or go to birthday parties on Sunday.  My parents took their mormon faith very seriously.

Here was the LDS mormon leader, saying (in 1986) that depression happens because of sin and wickedness - because a person is not doing enough.

That a person first needs to check that they were doing everything right before admitting they are depressed.    The cycle of self-condemnation and feelings of worthlessness will probably continue for the depressed person.

And for my friends who read this blog who are not mormon - the LDS prophet is supposed to talk straight to God.  So hearing someone say something like this - it's very close to having God say it (for some believing mormons). 

I'm not disavowing personal responsibility, because that is still there.  But to hear this attitude, not from an individual LDS bishop or stake president, but from someone in authority - the attitude that depression is the result of sin begins to make more sense (to me). 

How many people and families were harmed by this attitude and these types of statements?  How many thought that the depression/mental illness was their fault and something they could change (without professional help or medication)?  I'm not sure.  But again, I'm glad this is changing. 

For me personally, however, it is like a puzzle piece being put into place.  It just explains more of my experience.

Identical Strangers

In some discussions with people this week, I realized I hadn't reviewed this book yet here.  I originally heard about it on npr (not surprisingly), and was fascinated.  At this link, there is a brief story about the book and an excerpt. 

As the mother, I can't imagine separating my twins.  Yes, they currently have separate rooms, but not raising them together, not allowing them to interact.  Not allowing them to know from an early age that they have a sibling born on the same day.

I can't imagine the ethics of separating twins either.  It's true, the first few months of their lives were really, really difficult for me.  Having one newborn is difficult enough - but two is even more difficult.  Because they don't sleep at the same time!

Before reading this book, I didn't think separating twins was a good idea.  Afterwards, I find I disagree with it strongly.  Particularly separating twins for research - no matter how valuable the data gained may be. 

I am also someone who supports psychological research into mental health and illness.  Also I support research into the genetic causes for various diseases and behaviors.  It is important. 

We can draw lines with experimenting on human beings and we should.  If experiementation is done, it needs to have the proper consent and review by ethics panels.  This is definitely something worth talking about as a society (where the lines are) - because it's not always clear.  If the research may harm the participants, the proposal should be denied. Of course, harm is also difficult to define - again, why the panels and review are important.

Finally, I believe that the archives should be opened so these women can see the research findings on them personally.  The researchers studied them until they were a year old, but I think they have a right to that information. 

I believe the archives are currently closed for another thirty to fifty years.  And there were other adoptees who were studied, separately, for longer. Some who may not realize that they have a twin sibling.  It seems like the plot of a gothic novel, but it was real, and the people involved were genuine. 

In the end, again, I know the "nature vs. nurture" question is compelling.  For some things, however, does it matter why?  Some things are the way they are.  There aren't any easy answers, obviously, if there were we would have found them already.

What you do speaks so loud

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a parent and a person, there are many things I try to be mindful of.  Sometimes it seems like we get so caught up in whatever is going on, with "fighting fires" - there isn't time to think about where we spend our time and what we value. 

Being a parent (and a concerned person) is a difficult thing to be.  You want to be the best you can be, you want to spend as much time making sure that your children have a safe, healthy and happy environment.  Or as a person, that those less fortunate have increased opportunities - or to give back the gifts you've received.  You want to be a contributing member of your community and society in general.

Not, of course, at the expense of our own health and well-being.  So that's the balancing act. 

I've been meeting friends for coffee every few weeks. It's nice, really nice actually.  My daughter, ever inquisitive, asks me about them, asks me why I go. I want to keep some friendships, some notion of myself through this process of being a mom and a full time employee. 

What I hope my actions are saying is that I spend a certain amount of time, each day, every weekend focused exclusively on my kids.  And some of the time I spend without them, is good for both of us.  They learn some independence - interact with other people - and I'm able to get some perspective (breathing room).

So I think each parent deserves a certain amount of time to themselves, to pursue their own interests.  The line is difficult, however, because things can swing the other way - a person can become too self-absorbed.  And not meet their children's basic needs.  But what a person really does show what they value.

The older I get (I really need to start a "the older I get" tag) the more I realize that what a person does is just as important as what they claim to value.  That's not a stick for a person to beat themselves up with ("I should be doing more for the country, the environment, my kids, my friends, etc.). 

It's just something to think about - what are the consequences of my actions?  What does this say to loved ones?  And to continuously think about and re-evaluate.  There are no easy answers.

Groundhog Day

There is a lot about the movie Groundhog day the resonates with me.  In particular, doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

In the movie, of course, the main character is doing the same thing over and over because he has to.  He's trapped reliving the same day.

I love the final scene in the movie - where he wakes up and it's a new day.  And the beauty of walking out into the new snow.

I believe strongly that life can be like this.  People can get trapped in doing the same thing over and over (I can get trapped) - but I can also choose to make changes.  People can, indeed change.  

No matter what their age or circumstances. 

I have (personally) been going back through and cleaning up some stuff.  Stuff that I will own - where I made mistakes.  It's a pretty powerful process, and throughout it I am reminded of that scene in Groundhog Day.  Today is the day that I get to start fresh with some of my relationships. The freedom is a little daunting - but I'm looking forward to it.

Selfishness and Obligation

Recently I was having a conversation on a message board I wanted to write about here.

Sometimes, I think a person can be accused of being selfish when they are just trying to fulfill their own needs. But it's also possible that someone is so self-focused that they become narcissistic - or unaware of the needs of others' around them. 

It's a continuum - at any point a person can be protecting their own healthy self-interest or infringing on the rights of others. The line is not always obvious or easy to tell. 



A great example, when someone raised mormon decides their needs are not being met in mormonism and chooses to stop attending church. Other people (some active LDS) may call this "selfish" but making a personal decision to stop attending a religion is not selfish.

And yes, I have heard people say leaving the church (not attending regularly) and not working for change from within is, indeed, selfish. But is it selfish to take ownership of one's own happiness and beliefs?  Is a person obligated to a belief system simply because they were raised in that belief system?

But, I also agree that me some people are very self-focused, and really can't see how they affect others - and they can be controlling and passive aggressive.

Situations are different and it is not black and white. One person may seem selfish and controlling to one person and not to another.



Quote from the person I was having a conversation with:

"And the ideas that 'I must love myself before I can love others,' or 'my every need must be met before I can help someone else' are demonstrably false.  "

I don't know about being false - but it seems to me, if you are exhausted from spending every waking moment doing things for other people or a religion, you can't really help anyone else. If you (a person) takes time to take care of some basic needs (their sleep, etc.) or their responsibilities - the rest will follow.

When I was a new mom, getting little sleep - there was no way that I could do much else but focus on my kids and myself. Now that my kids are older, I have time to myself, they can entertain themselves (and sleep through the night!!) and I am much better able to focus on other things (myself, my career, education, volunteering, etc.).

Viktor Frankl (the therapist who survived the concentration camps) was, seemingly, able to help others in the most desperate of circumstances. So it's true, a person can always help others.

But focusing on meeting your own basic needs is not wrong - getting enough sleep, eating well, keeping up with health, etc.  **

So it's true that some of these things can be over-used, and used to justify bad behavior. But some of the theory is actually sound.

I think a person can be selfish and generous at any given point, in any situation. I don't think (for most people) that they are (at any time) all one or the other.

I may be "selfish" in terms of my co-workers by leaving on time and not working overtime - but not selfish because I'm going home to take care of my family.

I do not think the concept of co-dependence is overused - particularly in an LDS setting/framework. Any religion that implies that what *you* do has an impact on others' religious beliefs - that it is *your* fault if someone leaves the church is not healthy.

Did my grandmother really cause me to leave mormonism? No, of course not. But she believes that there was something she did, something she could have done. This isn't idle speculation on my part, she told me so - asking if there was something she had done that caused me to leave the faith. The conversation was a difficult one, for both of us. 


Granted, all mormons do not believe this, and many disagree with this, but some still do talk about and teach this on a regular basis.

I'll make a vast generalization here. I believe cultural mormonism encourages people to believe they have control over other people's lives, decisions and beliefs. Until a person realizes how much control they have over other people's actions, decisions and beliefs (not much), there is no way to move forward - to be healthy. 

It is not selfish to take responsibility for one's health and well-being.  To be aware of the needs and requests of others around you - but to ultimately take ownership for yourself.  Deciding to not help another adult, to not take responsibility for *their* actions or beliefs is not selfish. At each point, we can choose what we will participate in or not participate in. 

For me personally, the notion of "obligation" is very different than what I previously believed.


**The person I was having a conversation with did agree that it was important to take care of your own needs, health, sleep, etc. later in the thread.

Triangulation (Family Dynamics)

A good friend of mine explained this concept to me a few months ago. I had never heard of it defined or labeled before. But I understood the behavior all too well. Here is the definition on wikipedia.

I come from a long line of people who are skilled at this game (no offense to anyone who may be reading this blog..).

It's a pretty simple concept. If you have a problem or issue with a person, instead of addressing that problem or issue with the person themselves, you bring in a third person.
**
You complain, kvetch or gossip with the third person, knowing full well that third person will tell the original person you have a problem with.

The third person gets to do your job for you. They get to decide what to tell, what not to tell, how to "spin" it so that a desired outcome is met.

My, it makes life a lot easier! I don't have to ask my siblings (for example) for anything! I don't have to say "would you be willing to do x" or say "I would feel more comfortable not exchanging gifts" or whatever. You can tell a third person, another sibling or a parent - and trust that *they* will relay the message.

Not only that, but it gives weight to any opinion that I have. Instead of just being me, aerin, my humble opinion and perspective, now I can say "well, mom agrees with me." or "one of my siblings agrees with me, so I'm right". And if that person has passed along a message, it's implying that they agree with it.

It has been so freeing for me to start addressing issues with the people themselves in my life. And refusing to let other people put me in the middle.

Because I genuinely thought I was responsible to keep up all this communication - this structure of "he said, she said". To soften the blows of shame or blame from someone else, but still communicating a part of that message. "Why don't you talk with this person? Why won't you come to this gathering? This person's feelings are hurt."

I thought if I didn't say it, it wouldn't be said - and the two people in my life would never know how the other person felt.

I love the fact that it's not my job or responsibility. If two people don't want to directly communicate - that's not my problem. I can maintain individual relationships without being the "heavy" or the enforcer of the status quo.

How this all relates to mormonism? Well, I believe mormon culture is one of the skilled players at this triangulation shell game. From other members running to tell the bishop ("I heard so and so drank diet coke the other day") to being told that *you* were responsible for your family's salvation. If they left mormonism, it was *your* fault.

You had been told a message, by God or the bishop or both - and you needed to communicate that message to everyone.

Not only that, but it was your responsibility to enforce or punish God's (righteous) judgment. That was your sacred responsibility as a home or visiting teacher, teaching children or as a priesthood leader. You get to tell everyone else what "God's" plan is for them.

It brings legitimacy for someone who is otherwise powerless - so you can often find women who do this. But not always. ("I don't think watching rated r movies is wrong, but *the bishop* thinks it's wrong. Or this General Authority back in the 60s said watching rated r movies was wrong").

Of course, not all mormons buy into this culture. Many see it for the unhealthy pattern that it is, and will only try to control themselves, not other people. They are able to live and let live.

It does make people really uncomfortable to be called out of this pattern, if they are someone like me who learned this as interaction 101.

What it forces a person to do is to talk/address something with the other people in their lives, or let it go. Stop the gossiping or manipulation.

For me personally, I feel it has strengthened so many of my relationships. Particularly with the people that I used to use to triangulate with (I asked them how someone else, a third person we were both close to, was feeling, what they were thinking, etc.) When I stopped doing that, I had to find other things to talk about (instead of other people). I'm working at communicating my own beliefs instead of other people's.

**this ruler is an antique we got from my husband's grandfather - standard, of course.  And yes, that is a candy land figurine in one of the corners.

Lists of Five Things

I am not a fan of November weekday mornings.  I am not a fan of waking up in darkness.  The time recently changed, giving me an extra hour of sleep - and yet, I'm still not a fan.

Someone mentioned recently that each day, they make three lists of five things. 

I loved the idea, so I'm sharing it here.

They start with five things they are grateful for.  (btw -my kids and my health are two things right up at the top of the list, every day.)  I am also grateful for my job. 

I don't have to say what I'm grateful to - as far as I'm concerned, it can be the universe.  It's just the process of recognizing I have quite a bit to be thankful for.

Then, they list five things they are proud of themselves for.  Basically giving yourself props for something difficult.  Again, getting up and getting to work - something I am proud of myself for doing.

Finally, a list of five things to work on or process.

Strangely enough, getting up on time for work is not on this list for me.  :) Things like being open about my feelings and setting boundaries (and not feeling guilty for setting boundaries) are on there.

The hamster wheel

I wrote about taking care of myself here:

It's not something I learned growing up.  I just need to be honest about that. Setting basic boundaries, saying no gracefully, dealing with guilt were things I didn't learn.  There were many reasons for that, it isn't as if everyone in my life started from scratch thinking "how can we be more codependent??"

And the codependency thing - it's that it wasn't okay to ask for things for oneself.  It wasn't okay to admit to feelings that didn't go with the overall family/religious narrative - feelings of anger and frustration.

So it is always really interesting to me when I come in contact with people who have an unrealistic perspective of family or family interactions.

A healthy family, it seems to me, is one where people can feel free to say no without consequences.  Where family events are flexible - given family members' time, money and child care concerns. 

There's a form of acceptance that this takes.  That hasn't worked for some very mormon relatives of mine.  To my mind, it is actually a little sad for me when I interact with these family members. 

Because I realize - they don't understand it yet.  They don't understand that we're not the perfect family, that I am not the perfect granddaughter, cousin or niece.  I have other priorities.  

And I realized that there was quite a bit I was ignoring while I kept trying to do things to make everyone else happy.

It's so much easier when a person can sit back and appreciate what is there.  What we do have.  Instead of trying to make all these grandiose plans.  I want to say to them - I understand.  I have been there.   

There are these concepts of love and honor  - if you really loved so and so, you would do x.  That's the rub - that's how a person gets caught.  If you loved this person, you would not listen to what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family. You would attend this event. 

To my mind, it is very important for each individual to do what they need to do to make themselves happy.  Not to get on the hamster wheel trying to live up to these expectations. 

From my understanding, the only thing you can do in these types of situations is decline gracefully, hold boundaries and let it go. It still feels awkward, however.  It doesn't feel natural. 

There's a part of me that says "I can make it work - I can adjust".  In the end, however, I know where that's got me in the past - and where it will probably lead. 

And as a success story, the more I set boundaries and speak up for myself, in some situations the better I feel.  Some people respond really well.  I stay in the present - and so do they.  We don't get involved in what happened in the past - and we talk about expectations instead of assuming we're all on the same page. 

PS.  I know I have some family members reading this blog, although not the family members I'm specifically thinking about.  Please feel free to email me personally and I can explain more about what I'm talking about.

Doing it right the first time

People are different. I've found, even for people in the same socio-economic class, same basic background - still may not be able to complete the same tasks in the same way or time frame.

When I discovered this, I was a bit shocked. I think I was under the mistaken impression that everyone could do things like boil water, balance a checkbook or check out a book from the library. While most people can do these things, not everyone can. Or can do them with the same general amount of education or instruction.

In my life, there was always a lot to do. Even before I had children. And recently I've been learning to take care of myself, to speak up for myself. Instead of what other people want me to do OR what will make other people happy.

I am not one of those people who will be sure to fully complete a task, so that it is done the right way the first time. I'm just not that way. I try to finish projects on time - sometimes in a half *ssed way. I'll admit it. Growing up in the home that I did, there was always a ton to do - there was often a void that needed to be filled. It made sense to do as much as possible - whether or not it was perfect.

The point where this becomes problematic is when you wait to do it perfectly, and so avoid ever getting anything done. (there is a great dilbert cartoon about this - which I have up in my cube).

To wait until the walls are washed before inviting people over. If that were the case, for me, I would never invite anyone over. Not only that, if I did have people over to my home, I would spend the entire time on pins and needles - exhausting myself ahead of time.

We all have different standards of cleanliness. And it makes sense to try and live in an uncluttered, low dust home. There's nothing wrong with washing your walls - if that's what you need to do. I am speaking for myself here.

But sometimes, it seems to me, we just have to take a leap of faith. We do the best we can at the moment, with the knowledge that we may make a mistake. That we may have to do it over. Because something needed to be done - to be completed.

And so much in our lives does not have to be perfect. We have to accept that we are human and that others are human. And that everyone has different standards.

It is a difference I have from many of my friends - again, just a personality difference. Other people are better planners, better executors. They can get things done right, on time. For me, I recognize that I push myself hard enough as it is. I'm not going to push myself to do things perfectly the first time.