Doing it all for the holidays

The older I get, the more I realize what went into creating the holidays.  It's a bit like seeing the man behind the curtain as an adult, as a parent in charge of making it happen.

ornament 2013

Like my cousin chanson, I also got sick right before the holiday.  What really happened was my daughter was intensely sick with a stomach virus, then my son got sick.  And then I got sick.  Basically, two weekends of prime holiday shopping and planning didn't happen.  And some of the holiday parties and performances were missed.  Typically I hate getting sick, but getting sick around the holidays is even more difficult and stressful.

Because the holiday thing is a lot of work. There is shopping for gifts.  (I've gotten over finding the best deals for presents, it's just too time-consuming).   There are lines and grumpy people.  Although next year I resolve to have the gifts wrapped by a charity organization - usually I like gift wrapping but this year it seemed overwhelming.  And it doesn't have to be this way.  And every year, inevitably, by the time we get to the toy store it is the last minute and gifts are picked over.  Next year, I also resolve to start the process earlier so I have time to order online.

Then there are holiday cards, if you send them.  Holiday cards seem to be one of those traditions that are fading fast.  Like reunions, I blame certain social networking sites.

Usually there are family meals, food that has to be prepared.  Bonus if you have some family members with food allergies and children who are picky eaters.  I was amazed by all the food I purchased - and we have consumed it all.  As I get older, this process gets easier (I remember to prepare for breakfast, for example).  And I'm not responsible for the turkey (I can't imagine) - fortunately most of the meals are much simpler/more manageable.

There is the baking.  I like to bake (I baked this year, on Christmas itself).  I'm good at it, not sure if it's part of being raised mormon or not (I strongly suspect mormon culture had something to do with it).  I've heard in some families someone (usually the mom or Grandma) bakes boxes and boxes of cookies to send to friends and relatives.

On top of all of that, there are also games/movies that keep everyone entertained.

I honestly don't know how all the people in my life did it all.  My grandmother seemed to effortlessly throw together huge meals.  And I read the other day about a great grandmother who was responsible for feeding the ranch hands - she too never knew how many people she would need to feed on a limited budget - two or twenty.

And yes, usually it was the women who made it happen.  All the holiday making seems to be a feminine responsibility - sometimes chosen, sometimes simply assumed.  I think it's holdover from the angel in the home.

I suppose I'm simply recognizing all the work, unseen and perhaps unappreciated.  Were there things done that maybe didn't need to be done? Was there extra stress that didn't need to be there?  Was there communication that could have been there, requests that could have been made which weren't made?  Of course.

In the end, for the most part, I enjoy what I do, I enjoy entertaining, selecting gifts and mailing cards. And I'm well aware that I choose to do all of this, even with a full time job.  I just realized that without the hard work of many people, often many parts of the holiday just wouldn't happen.

Holiday recap

Card Wreath 2012

I have a post about the school shooting, but I wanted to give an update on the holidays.

They have been very peaceful.  I made this card wreath from old Christmas/Holiday cards. 

I baked - a lot. I also made an awesome spicy potato salad.  My kids went rock climbing for the first time.  Many video games were played. 

The only downside was that the sugar cookies I made did not turn out and we ran out of butter to make more.  Everything else went swimmingly. 

Oh, and going to a big box store on the afternoon of Dec. 24th was insane.  Everyone else was there at the same time.

Hope everyone had a peaceful holiday!  I know it's a bittersweet season for many of my friends who've lost loved ones this year. I'm thinking of you.

Self care

I read this post this other day, and despite no longer being an active mormon, I can relate.  I too would not make it through the holiday season without boundaries.  There is simply a lot to do.   And I prioritize what I do. 

And - I don't do busy work during the holidays to make the holidays the best ever for people around me (which I used to try to do). 

I have a habit of trying to do too much in order to ignore whatever is going on around me (and the holidays are a great excuse for this).  Trying to please others constantly is usually a recipe for disaster.  Being kind to other people, being other-focused are fine; but focusing on my feelings and needs are important. 

Some things that have helped me during the holiday:

-I try to work out regularly and plan time to work out
-I make sure to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables (it's easy to try to get one's kids to eat veggies, it's much harder to remember to eat them yourself).
-I try to sit underneath one of those SAD lights on a regular basis
-I take fish oil and vitamin D
-I don't go overboard with baking

I'm mentioned it before, I wasn't really taught how to do all this stuff growing up. I was taught how to bake, wasn't necessarily taught to say no if someone asked me to do something. 

I agree with the "be the change you want to see in the world" philosophy.   So I have to take care of myself first, be aware of my own needs, and then reach out to others.  I focus on the present and what's going on now instead of outcomes. 

Happy Holidays??

I live in a state where the majority of people celebrate Christmas.  Whether or not they consider themselves Christian. 

I've been wished "Merry Christmas" a handful of times over the past week, in retail type situations. People would have no idea if I was Christian or not.

And although I celebrate a secular Christmas, I always bristle in that situation.  Because I think - what if I didn't celebrate Christmas?  How do people respond who don't celebrate?  Who celebrate Hanukkah?  Or the winter solstice or Kwanzaa? Or who don't celebrate anything at all? 

I know they are just trying to be well-meaning, and have good intentions. 

I'm sure this is related somehow to the war on Christmas. 

I just don't see why "Happy Holidays" is such a threat.  It seems much more inclusive and understanding that not everyone celebrates in the same way. 

So perhaps next year I'll speak up and tell random customer service type people that I don't celebrate Christmas, but happy holidays anyway.  It seems like a lot of effort and energy - I suppose it's just recognizing privilege.

So I may speak up, or I may not.  It will depend.

Nevertheless, best wishes for a peaceful holiday, whatever you celebrate.

PS.  Hanukkah is a bigger deal where one of my sisters' lives - there is a Hanukkah mobile that drives around her neighborhood.  She's promised to send me a photo. 

A blur

The holidays were a blur this year - full of reacting to events.  December began with my son getting some sort of flu.  He was out of school for four days.  A week later, on the last day of school, he got sick again at the gym.  Then, at one thirty in the morning, my daughter got sick. 

Four days later, *I* got sick.  And I really got sick, usually I can still at least sit at the computer and read blogs and e-mails.  I was too sick for that.  I spent the day sleeping and hoping I could keep down crackers and tylenol.

So I wasn't able to do as much baking as I usually do.  We weren't able to go to the museums or get all the shopping done until the very last minute.  I thought of the line from The Grinch who Stole Christmas about Christmas - "it came".  And it was nice, despite not being exactly as I planned.

Then, a few days after Christmas I got the call that my Grandpa had passed away.  We knew he had been in declining health.  I was fortunate enough to be able to fly out to the funeral, despite a major snowstorm.  I'm so glad I was able to go.  There may have been six inches of snow on the ground, countless flight delays, but I was there. 

Roses outside the building where my Grandpa's funeral was held. 

I didn't have time for quiet contemplation of the past year, and time to think about goals for 2011.  So I feel out of sorts, even more so than usual.  And rather surprised that it's already January 9th.  I'm left feeling like there was something very important I was supposed to do that I haven't.

Visions of Sugar Plums

I made Sugar Plums this year, after I saw them on a food network show some weeks ago.

Much like "Turkish Delight" from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, sometimes the desserts sound much better than they actually taste.

The sugar plums I made taste quite good if you are prepared for what they are.  And, from what I can tell, they're pretty good for you as well.

They have three different kinds of dried fruit (plums, apricots and figs), some almonds, a little powdered sugar and they're rolled in sanding sugar.  The fennel seed and cardamom add some kick to what would be simple fruit. Dried fruit has lots of fiber and vitamin c. 

They're a traditional dish from a Victorian Christmas, where fresh fruit was difficult to come by during this season.  Refined sugar would have also been hard to find during the mid-nineteenth century.

I have some photos, but they don't look terribly attractive or appetizing. At all.  So I'll leave it to your imagination of what fruitcake looks like (evidently, fruitcake is made from similar ingredients). 

I will include this photo of the festivus pole my kids painted from a table leg.  It started out just being something they painted for their dad for Christmas, but knowing festivus traditions as I do, I thought a festivus pole would make a wonderful edition for our family.  I think we will also skip the "airing of grievances" this year.  We may have feats of strength yet.

Happy holidays everyone!  Have a peaceful holiday, whatever you may celebrate.

Holiday shopping

Many years ago, in college, I worked at a toy store for Christmas.  It's amazing how some songs stay with you.  There were lots of memorable things about my experience, but the constant bad holiday music was one of them.  There are Christmas and holiday songs I like - that I can stand.  Then there are songs with the Chipmunks and even the classic  "I want a hippopotomas for Christmas".  

Once or twice, these songs might not be so bad.  But over and over each day - it was too much.  I still cringe (more than ten years later) when I hear the songs during this season.  Not to mention the long lines of people, working ten to twelve hours a day, and the phone ringing off of the hook.

I know everyone has bad jobs, this was one for me.

What was also amazing was when people would accuse us (the toy store employees) of ruining Christmas for their children.  They would say things like "my child won't believe in Santa because of you".  Usually it was because we didn't have the specific toy that their child had requested (and every other child wanted), and we didn't have layaway.  Sometimes, the corporate organization would send out ads in the newspaper, and we would only receive ten or twelve items.  Customers would be (understandably) frustrated.  Even if they were early or in line before the store opened, they might not get that special deal.

One of the most memorable people was a gentleman who started angrily knocking down displays when he found out we didn't have the toy he wanted. 

The holidays can really bring out the ugly in many people.  It's hard to be considerate of employees when one has been in a long line, or when a store has deliberately distorted whether or not they have an item in stock.  I think it's worth remembering that not everyone is as fortunate as we may be - that not everyone has control over where they work or the policies of their job.

Some holidays are about exclusion

Labor Day, Memorial Day and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day aren't exclusive, but other holidays do seem a bit exclusionary at times. 

Life is, of course, what you make of it. 

When is something a genuine celebration?  To celebrate, do we sometimes have to define what we are, and what we are not? 

Take the recent Valentine's Day holiday.  I stopped liking V day back when I stopped getting holly hobby or wonder woman valentines in Elementary School. 

Back then, it was all about giving valentine's to one's friends, and eating chocolate, cupcakes and sugar cookies with pink frosting. That describes a holiday I can wholeheartedly support.

The older I got, however, the day seemed to be more about whether or not I was in a relationship - and if I was, what kind of gift my significant other got me. 

In discussing Valentine's traditions with friends over the years, it seemed as if only 5 to 10 percent were really happy with the day and the celebration.  Otherwise it was simply another measuring stick that a person or relationship didn't live up to.  Lots of unspoken expectations and assumptions.  Some of the traditions can be expensive (pricey jewelry anyone)?

But some people really love this holiday - and love honoring their significant others.  They are really happy in their relationships.  And I can't fault anyone for that.

Isn't that the point of some holidays?  To remind us of things we take for granted? To experience togethernesss with those we love?  Or to take the doldrums out of everyday living?

In the end, if people enjoy valentine's day and enjoy doing nice things for their significant other(s) - I think that's great.  And I also like the outreach of valentine's day beyond romantic relationships - giving gifts or candy for children or friends. 

But I still think there are some holidays that seem to focus on the haves vs. the have nots.  They focus on people who choose to celebrate, and those who don't.  Or they're just another way to spend money, to prop up the American economy.

Groundhog Day

There is a lot about the movie Groundhog day the resonates with me.  In particular, doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

In the movie, of course, the main character is doing the same thing over and over because he has to.  He's trapped reliving the same day.

I love the final scene in the movie - where he wakes up and it's a new day.  And the beauty of walking out into the new snow.

I believe strongly that life can be like this.  People can get trapped in doing the same thing over and over (I can get trapped) - but I can also choose to make changes.  People can, indeed change.  

No matter what their age or circumstances. 

I have (personally) been going back through and cleaning up some stuff.  Stuff that I will own - where I made mistakes.  It's a pretty powerful process, and throughout it I am reminded of that scene in Groundhog Day.  Today is the day that I get to start fresh with some of my relationships. The freedom is a little daunting - but I'm looking forward to it.

New Year's Resolutions - update

So as I've mentioned before, I'm not really someone who sets new years' resolutions.  It has never really spoken to me.

This year, however, we set a new year's resolution as a family.  The resolution?  Sit on one's chair at the dinner table, do not stand up and dance around instead of eating. 

My husband and I have done very well at this particular resolution.  Granted, I'm not sure it was a habit we had prior to this year either.

For some reason, however, framing it to our kids in terms of a "resolution" has added weight to the request (and added authority to it).  Now, not only is sitting at the dinner table a request, but it's also a "resolution" that we are working towards as a family. 

Believe it or not, we really tend to be a pretty laid back family - at least I tend to think so. We don't have a lot of rules that need to be followed.  But there are a few rules that do exist, and they do have reasons behind them.

As a parent, I get the task of attempting to socialize my children. Because, really, it's just not acceptable in most restaurants for adults to jump on top of their chairs (not to mention dangerous) and start dancing or jumping. 

At some point in life, we have to come face to face with reality; with social manners and with keeping ourselves safe.  And honestly, I am not familiar with many different cultures - but all the cultures I've come in contact with have this as a rule.

So it's not as if what we're asking for is unreasonable.  Some days the urge to dance spontaneously is simply too difficult to fight - no matter what the resolution may be.

The season

This time of year can be very difficult for many people.  I think of the "most wonderful time of the year" song/carol - how it can grate on my nerves some times.  I think it's false advertising - encouraging unreasonable expectations. 

As a culture, I think our expectations of ourselves and others are on steroids much of the time already. 

Giving isn't a bad thing, acknowledging the loved ones in our lives is a good thing.  It is worthwhile. But pretending that an expensive gift is love, I'm not sure I agree with that.

And it's not that spending the holiday with four year olds isn't awesome.  They love the season. Thanksgiving night, they asked me "Is tomorrow Christmas?" (We've been telling them that Christmas is after Thanksgiving, so naturally, now that Thanksgiving was over, the next day had to be Christmas, right??)

They've also been trying to talk me into allowing them to wrap their own presents.

They are a joy to be around during the holidays.

But even before I had kids, there were some nice things about the holidays. 

I've always liked how peaceful the morning of December 25th is.  The entire day, actually.  Most all stores are closed.  With as busy as everything is with modern life, even before the internet caught on - I think it's just nice to have a day to breathe. 

It's a nice day not to focus on what a person does not have, but what we do have.  It is a cliche. Even if there are loved ones who are no longer with us, to think about happy memories.  To relax and meditate.  To read, bake or create art - whatever a person does to relax. 


Another possibility is to help those who are less fortunate.  To reach out to people who are lonely.  One of the best Thanksgivings I've had was a potluck put on by friends and other people who couldn't go home for the holidays.  Volunteering at a soup kitchen or shelter.  Buying toys or clothes for those who don't have any.  There are certainly plenty of people who are going without this year.

I can certainly understand why this time of year is difficult for people.  Everyone brings up scrooge - but admitting the holidays are stressful and filled with expectations is not being unreasonable.  Admitting that sometimes when a family gets together (or in laws get together) things can be hectic.  There's a reason why people typically imbibe quite a bit of alcohol around the holidays. 

Everyone celebrates (or doesn't celebrate) in their own way.  Respecting that, appreciating what we do have is pretty powerful and awe-inspiring, in my opinion.

And sometimes choosing exactly which traditions we want to participate in, and what we don't is something I can always be grateful for.

Open on Thanksgiving

I drove by a well known semi-fast food restaurant the other day -with the sign "Open Thanksgiving Day" on it.

 I was struck by the fact that it was in my lifetime that this began changing.  Pharmacies started being open Sundays (outside Utah of course), grocery stores and restaurants.  Then, all these businesses started being open on major holidays.

It used to be that one would drive around on Thanksgiving or Christmas here in the U.S. and everything would be very quiet.  All the stores would be dark, with notes about the holiday closing posted on the front door. 

This is immortalized by the family dinner in "A Christmas Story", where the only open restaurant is the local Chinese restaurant.

I'm not someone who believes in the "keeping the Sabbath day holy" order of things.  And I find myself strangely encouraged and discouraged by restaurants being open on holidays.

Encouraged as now people without family or plans have somewhere to go - to be with other people.

To celebrate in their own way, without going through the hassle of making a turkey (or tofurkey) and the trimmings.

If you have not ever prepared the full course of Thanksgiving glory - it is quite a task.  It is time-consuming.  It requires intensive planning and coordination of when the oven will be used and for how long.  One even needs to use math to calculate just how many hours the turkey may need to bake. 

So a person or family who chooses to go out on Thanksgiving - or purchase a pre-made Thanksgiving meal...I understand.  I get it. 

But, those restaurants have owners and employees.  And my husband's cousin works for one of those restaurants, and yes, he is going to be working (to be able to take off Christmas).

And so it goes.

So all holidays become as faceless and uneventful as {Insert faceless holiday here, don't want to step on toes}, where many companies (even those that follow bankers' holidays) don't take off. 

I realize it's a slippery slope argument, so it's not a terribly logical one.

Things change, priorities change, society definitely changes and adapts.

PS.  my kids made the turkeys at pre-school.  Enjoy!

fireworks

We saw fireworks with the kids for the first time the other night. Despite the fact it was raining, they were still pretty thrilling.

Thrill can also be contagious around young ones.

I was just thinking that fireworks are one event that will never move solely to the interwebs or tv. I've watched fireworks on tv (the past few years) to make sure my two weren't terrified and got to bed at a reasonable hour.

Fireworks on tv are nice, but it's simply not the same as actually being there and seeing them light up the sky.

Box full of letters

I take my bills in my laptop bag to work - as I take lots of things with me to work. I pay my bills online (which, by the way, works wonderfully and saves lots of time, stamps and checks).

My daughter (goose) loves a story about a girl who throws a princess party for all her friends. She makes invitations, they dress up and eat cookies. Anyway, she has been pretending to write for some months now. She has even figured out where the envelopes are, and asks her dad or me to put her invitations in envelopes.

The other day, I opened my bag at work and saw lots of envelopes. It was right before the holiday, so I was a bit shocked to think that we had lots of bills that I didn't know about or hadn't paid (which has actually happened before with some small doctor co-pay type of bills).

As I looked closer, I realized that the envelopes were not, in fact, bills. They each had names on them. Grandma, Grandpa, Marie, Leah, etc. Yes, my gifted daughter had put two and two together. She realized that mail usually ended up in my laptop bag and would find its way to the post office. I think she was hoping that these invites would sneak under the radar.

PS. We do plan on having a bona fide princess party with one or two friends in the near future - more than that would be too much for me at this point.

Gifts and Obligation

I'm reading Pride and Prejudice for the first time. I know it's a classic, somehow I never read it before now.

I'm struck by the nature of obligation which runs throughout the novel. I won't give specific examples, but if you've read the novel and are not amazed by the simple things that are enormous social gaffs (in early nineteenth century upper class British society) I would be shocked. Speaking to someone without being properly introduced is a good example. Or interrupting a person after they have read three pages of a sermon you're not interested in. I'm sure that the picture that Jane Austen presents of that society is realistic and accurate.

In our society, obligation is not always so cut and dry. It's often very difficult to determine what a person is "obliged" to do. Holiday gift giving is the perfect example of suchtreacherous waters. It's difficult to know what's being "polite" and what is being truly caring for those around you and yourself.

It would seem if someone gives you a gift, you are obligated to give them one (of equal makeup) in return. But I would argue that this is not necessary and not necessarily healthy. I have known many people over the years who go into debt (and some tremendous debt) to return a gift.

I spoke a little bit about this attitude in my post here.

I'm a fan of my friend north node's best gift evah bloghere. The blog authors (NN and Susania) discuss various gift giving strategies and wisdom. I certainly believe in showing the people in your life that you care about them.

Perhaps I'm just rationalizing the fact that once again this year, my family and I will receive gifts that we will not be able to return in kind. In some cases, we haven't been exchanging gifts for years now. And we have a relationship of equals, people of a similar age and financial ability.

I would make gifts, but I've found that even making gifts can also be expensive. Some craft supplies don't run cheap. And there are some people who will wear a scarf that I've knit or eat a fruitcake that I've baked and some who will not. As an example, I made some bath supplies for family members some years ago, and each time I visit my parents' home I see that the bath oil is still relatively unused in the guest bath. I know many people really appreciate homemade gifts, but some do not.

I have to trust that the people who are giving gifts realize they will not be reciprocated, and realize that they don't have to give us those gifts.

I've been told (repeatedly) that to actually say that they don't have to give us the gifts is rude.

So I'll do it here.

Thank you so much for your generosity. It is truly appreciated. We cannot return your generosity. I don't think it will be returned in the near future, unless we were to win the lottery. We may even spend some of our money on things you might not agree with, instead of on gifts for you and your family.

My attitude may sound awfully selfish. And perhaps it is selfish. I was certainly raised to believe that it was selfish to take care of myself first and others second.

Yet if I've realized anything over the years, it's that I have to start with myself first, and stop depending on what other people think. I trust that I will be able to give and support when it's really needed, and not give (and go into debt) out of a sense of obligation.

Should old acquaintence....

2007 was quite a year.

In professional life, my company's stock dropped. A lot. I had two managers leave, one who left in April, one in November. Needless to say, I've started a half hearted job search. Basically, I like the benefits where I work - and it has some perks. I transferred onto a new team, which should be a little more challenging (and possibly good for my career). I might not be able to spend so much time blogging (gasp).

In my personal life, we joined a gym! I've been working out on a regular basis. I've also been reading quite a bit. It's easy to read while on the recombinant bike at the gym. I've also been knitting - I may post some of my creations at some point.

It has been a difficult year for me and many people that I love. I certainly intend to continue our sphere of serenity and to maintain boundaries. We'll see how well that works!

My kids started preschool. They are running, jumping and speaking in sentences. They got way too many toys for Christmas, and there are still a few more we haven't opened yet.

My goals for 2008?

-To try to not please everyone - to accept that this is not possible (still, really hard for me). Particularly the people in my family. To just do the best I can and let people know that's what I can do.

-To hang out more with friends and carve out time for myself. This too is very difficult, with twin two and a half year olds and a husband in a band.

I've certainly enjoyed blogging. I do prefer the anonymous nature of this blog. I feel free to make statements that I wouldn't if I knew my boss or a future employer could google my name and associate them with me. Or former classmates/ex-boyfriends, etc. Blogging is incredibly public. Those who blog and post photos with their real names I find amazingly brave.

Obviously, I've told people I know about this space - but typically they are friends who are more likely to understand where I'm coming from. In the newspaper, I see articles about new HR departments who check potential employees myspace accounts and other hits. Sad to say, although I work in IT, I still work in a fairly conservative place, and will for some time to come.

Family Drama (Holiday Peace)

My husband says "Nothing like family (or the holidays) to make you want to drink".



I never knew this while I was growing up mormon, but the busiest bar holiday of the year is the day before Thanksgiving. Everyone is home, and since there will be a big dinner the next day, everyone goes out.

This holiday, I find myself thinking back to the idea of spheres of influence. My immediate family, my husband and the twins are doing well. We had a lovely quiet gift opening this morning, and the only thing on our plate today is to visit my husband's grandfather this afternoon. We don't have to bundle our two up (and tear my son away from his new train table) and go anywhere. This is entirely by choice.

Needless to say, this hasn't been the easiest year for many people I know for many reasons. I won't go into those reasons here - suffice to say, some loved ones have made some poor choices. Some people have made some very unfortunate, unhealthy choices. Some have just been very unlucky. My own siblings, friends of friends, my husband's extended family members, etc.

In the end, what can you do? You have to "count your blessings". I remember singing that hymn often as a child. But it does have a kernel of truth. Because I do have a great deal to be grateful for. And there are still a lot of people who are good people, who have been making healthy choices - people who help others - without a thought to being thanked or appreciated. They know the right thing to do and they're doing it.

At one of the al-anon meetings I went to, more than one person talked about the chaos in their families. That before they started al-anon, they would get drawn into the chaos and the drama. And now, after trying to live the twelve steps, they are able to put things into perspective. They refuse to let other people's actions stress them out or bring them down. I'm not sure I totally agree with this just yet, but I do think the philosphy is very wise.

I don't know why things happen or why things turn out the way they do. Many religious people will say that it's God's will. And if they can find comfort in that, I'm happy for them. Often it's hard to understand why a God would choose to allow people to suffer like they do. I know that's the age-old question.

I wish all of the readers of this blog peace this holiday season. I wish you peace with family and friends. I'm hoping that you eat lots of good food with people that you love. If you're able to honor traditions, that's great. If not, I hope that you are able to start some new traditions.