Class Reunion

Reunions are (were?) a cultural phenomenon.  Many movies have class reunions as their plot (Gross Point Blank, for example).

Recently I missed a significant class reunion for my college.  And I'm trying to figure out why.  I don't think I'm the only person who put the reunion on the back burner.  Our class missed the class news, we missed the official activities (no one wanted to volunteer).  I'm not sure how many people (from our class of 200) actually attended the reunion, but I suspect it was a low number.

When I graduated, I did think I would go to the reunions.  And I still might.

But I suspect that technology has greatly changed the landscape of reunions (much like everything else).

The point of going to reunions was to re-connect with people you had lost touch with.  To find out what they do with their lives, meet their spouse, see pictures of their kids.  In many of the books/movies/tv shows, a plot twist was to return to the reunion - having lost weight, had plastic surgery, made a million dollars.  I can't speak for any of my classmates, but I suspect that this was not a factor for missing the reunion.

And it's not that we didn't have a good experience, or remember friends fondly.  I think (can't speak for anyone else) that we did.  College was stressful and difficult, but it was transforming.

But the advent of social media has greatly changed this.  Now, I don't need to pay money for a hotel and transportation to find out what someone is doing - which couples are still together.  If I want to know, I can find them on facebook.  I can google them.  While there are some friends from college that I haven't reconnected with (or the holdouts who refuse to join facebook), there are a lot that have joined the site.  That I am already reconnected with (whatever connection through social media really means).  I can find out what they had for lunch.  I can find out who they will be voting for.  What enigmatic quote they are thinking of today.

So while I would love to have a weekend to spend with those friends (really, a weekend would be awesome) - I don't know that I value it like I would have without the social media presence.  Maybe it's that I've got young kids and travelling is expensive.  Maybe as the kids get older, it will be more of a possibility.  Maybe my college town is just depressing right now (it was always small, but now it's even more economically depressed).

Perhaps it's just the strange nature of the college that I went to, and the strange way we have of relating (or not relating) to one another.  Maybe I'm the only person still thinking about connections from college, when everyone else has moved on.  Maybe no one else wanted to coordinate a reunion (very possible) or be stuck holding the bag (also very possible).  Just something I've been thinking about.

Tank Park Salute

I might never have met my friend Laura if it hadn't been for her grandmother.

I was working as a page in the children's section of the local library.  I can't recall exactly how our conversation started.  I believe I was checking out Laura's grandmother's books, which happened to be either "The Hero and the Crown" or "The Blue Sword" by Robin McKinley. It was probably one or the other, because I must have remarked that it was one of my favorite books.  Her grandmother, being the amazing person that she was, mentioned that she had a granddaughter who also liked those books.  At some point, she must have encouraged me to write to her granddaughter, who normally lived in Iowa but who was away in Maine at camp.  Somehow in the conversation it must have been discovered that Laura and I were the same age and also both about to be incoming freshman at different schools. 

It is an odd story.  It was difficult to explain to people who aren't letter writers (this is the early 90s before the wide adoption of the internet) how I met Laura.  She and I started writing back and forth, and became friends.

And it was always lovely visiting her grandmother when I was home on break.  She lived around two blocks from my high school.  She was an amazing woman.  She was the same age as my paternal grandmother, but they were (are) different in many ways.  Laura's grandmother didn't pay her taxes for seven years (a la Ralph Waldo Emerson) because she disagreed with some of the actions of the federal government.  She was active in the league of women voters.  She was someone who believed in her community, and loved her family (particularly my friend Laura).  She divorced in an age before divorce was completely socially acceptable, and continued to be a strong, independent, stable woman. 

When I think back of memories of her, it's always at her home.  Some years ago, she moved to a posh assisted living place in my home town.  But I remember her best in her home surrounded by books and papers.  There were quite a few books and papers (note the cook books in the left side of this background photo - there were quite a few of those as well).  I remember the rows of peonies in the back yard.  I remember that when she retired, she decided she could finally "grow her hair out". And she did.  And that she didn't want us to put tomatoes in the refrigerator - everything had to be done a certain way (which she admitted about herself).

Her kitchen circa 1994 - cluttered but clean

I remember wonderful conversations.

When I introduced her to my twins, she had thoughtfully surmised a game with spools of thread and a jug.  It takes a special kind of person to really think about the visitors you might have, what might interest them, and how you can entertain twin one year olds.

Sadly, she passed away last weekend after a brief illness.  I hadn't been up to visit her in a long time.  But I have wonderful memories of her and our conversations.  I'm glad she's out of pain, and I knew this day might happen.  She was an inspiration to me.

When I think about what kind of person I want to be in my 80s, I want to be like her.  She had a laugh and a wry grin like no one else.  This week I am filled with memories of her and her family. 

Empowerment

A handful of friends of mine are going through some challenges at the moment.  Weddings, pregnancy and break -ups, to be specific.  I have to admit, going through each of those things have been some of the hardest challenges I've faced in life so far. 

I've discussed some of my experiences here before, but not really how difficult things were during these specific rough times.  Some of the feelings like the raw disappointment and despair when my first boyfriend broke up with me are gone, long gone.  They were very real while I was going through them, but life moves on.  I've had so many other beautiful, maddening, insane experiences since then...it's hard to remember exactly how I was feeling without the haze of time.

All this is to say, I have a strong belief that each person has the ability to figure out their own problems.  It is within them.  If the answer is not within them, they have the ability to ask for help.

This is a different reaction for me than my nature.  Typically I am the type of person who will tell you what to do with your life.  I've realized how smug and arrogant that can be. I've also realized that I simply don't have all the information and never will about another person's life. 

I don't know what's right for them.  I can't know what's right for someone else.  The only person I can hope to understand is me.

Unconditional Friendship

This isn't the season for gratitude, that was so last month.  But I would be remiss if I didn't mention the good friends in my life.  I am constantly amazed at how wise and supportive they are. 

If you don't have good friends who are supportive of you, no matter what decisions you make - my sympathy to you.  I hope you can find them.  Those friends are priceless (to my mind). 

It's easy to decide that you know what's best for another person, for their life or relationship. 

It's much more difficult to show unconditional caring for another person, to listen to them.   To let them know that you will support them no matter what*.  To realize that ultimately, the only person living your life is you, and people can only control themselves, not another's actions.

My thoughts for this holiday season - my gratitude for such amazing support. 

*Of course, there are instances where unconditional support doesn't make sense, particularly enabling a friend in unhealthy things - abusing heroin or something.  Just wanted to make that distinction as I think that's pretty important.

Live and let Live

A good friend of mine was visiting recently. We were discussing various topics, and somehow the topic of mormonism came up. She is not mormon. I mentioned that if she (or other close friends) were considering joining mormonism, I would have to speak up.

Now I need to give some caveats here. Ultimately, whatever decision my friends made would be their own. I would understand and respect whatever they decided. I do try to live by the "Live and let Live" philosophy. Yet with that said, mormonism and mormon theology is something I know quite a bit about. And being raised mormon, there was quite a bit I was not exposed to.

So just as if I were single, I would not date someone who was an active mormon, I would discuss mormonism with close friends who were considering converting to mormonism. I am not talking about a co-worker acquaintance who was thinking about it (which did happen, btw, long before I had searched out any former mormons on the internet). I'm talking about a close friend whom I respect.

This position is not a comfortable one for me, because I know and care about quite a few active mormons. I would simply share some pieces of information that I have learned, and allow my friends the privilege of following their own consciences. I would probably discuss various doctrines about race, gender and sexuality. I would also probably discuss various truth claims. Everyone (even now) is invited to also examine mormonism from a faithful perspective as well, starting at lds.org and examining the Book of Mormon and other publications.

And I would hope that any of my close friends who were considering converting to mormonism would talk with me first. I know that might not always be the case, and may be asking quite a lot. But I support open and honest information sharing. Mormonism does encourage a "milk before the meat" principle, which I personally do not think is fair to intelligent adult investigators.

Life is too short

I found out over the weekend that one of my friends had passed away.  She was in her early thirties; it was from complications from liver disease.  I considered her a friend, although we had grown apart.  As I've mentioned before, I'm pretty horrid at keeping up with people.  She and I weren't especially close, but I do feel her loss.  I feel for her family, her nieces and nephews, her husband. 

We were able to recently reconnect on a popular social networking site, and I was able to send her a message.  Which I am very grateful for. 

I'm just reminded (as I usually am at these times) about how short life is. 

Really, it is awfully, completely brief.  I say that to friends, and they sometimes look at me like I'm being morbid.  I'm not trying to be morbid. I'm trying to be realistic.

When people talk about "the grand scheme of things" - this is what I think of.  People who are taken too young. I think about my own mortality and what I want to do with my life, who I want to be.  I'm thinking of which values I want to live by, and whether or not I'm truly living that way.  And if I'm not doing what I really want to do, why not?

I wish my friend peace. 

What you do speaks so loud

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a parent and a person, there are many things I try to be mindful of.  Sometimes it seems like we get so caught up in whatever is going on, with "fighting fires" - there isn't time to think about where we spend our time and what we value. 

Being a parent (and a concerned person) is a difficult thing to be.  You want to be the best you can be, you want to spend as much time making sure that your children have a safe, healthy and happy environment.  Or as a person, that those less fortunate have increased opportunities - or to give back the gifts you've received.  You want to be a contributing member of your community and society in general.

Not, of course, at the expense of our own health and well-being.  So that's the balancing act. 

I've been meeting friends for coffee every few weeks. It's nice, really nice actually.  My daughter, ever inquisitive, asks me about them, asks me why I go. I want to keep some friendships, some notion of myself through this process of being a mom and a full time employee. 

What I hope my actions are saying is that I spend a certain amount of time, each day, every weekend focused exclusively on my kids.  And some of the time I spend without them, is good for both of us.  They learn some independence - interact with other people - and I'm able to get some perspective (breathing room).

So I think each parent deserves a certain amount of time to themselves, to pursue their own interests.  The line is difficult, however, because things can swing the other way - a person can become too self-absorbed.  And not meet their children's basic needs.  But what a person really does show what they value.

The older I get (I really need to start a "the older I get" tag) the more I realize that what a person does is just as important as what they claim to value.  That's not a stick for a person to beat themselves up with ("I should be doing more for the country, the environment, my kids, my friends, etc.). 

It's just something to think about - what are the consequences of my actions?  What does this say to loved ones?  And to continuously think about and re-evaluate.  There are no easy answers.

I don't think that's an appropriate question.

In this post, I talked about taking care of myself (which I didn't learn growing up).

I have to say, this week I set some minor boundaries. But I find, after all this time, after all the things I've worked on and through - I confess I still sometimes feel guilty for setting those boundaries. And they are not invasive boundaries or terribly momentous boundaries.

In one case, it was a simple "I don't want to talk about this with you." and "I don't think I can talk about this particular issue with you and be kind and loving".

And, despite all of that, I found that to be uncomfortable for me.

I read a handful of articles, which mentioned that feeling guilty when we set boundaries means we're doing it right.

At least I can now recognize it (boundary setting) in others. I was at a party recently where a friend was asked her opinion on something her partner/significant was doing. It was a long conversation that I don't want to give the play by play here. My friend replied "I don't think that's an appropriate question". Not in an unkind or shaming way - but in an "I'm not going to answer that" type of way. I remember thinking "Right on!".

I'm sure my friend probably does have an opinion, and does have an interest in what her partner does. But she's saying that it's private, and between the two of them (not with some group of friends at a party).

Because I rarely saw that modeled growing up - I rarely saw someone (anyone) refuse to answer a question they thought was inappropriate (well, aside from responses during congressional hearings...'on advice from my counsel'...)

Such a simple gesture, sometimes so difficult for some of us (me). But important none the less.

Such a simple concept. I get to say no. I need to say no if by doing something, I will feel anger, bitterness and resentment. I get to say that a question is not appropriate or if I'm not comfortable talking about something in a group - particularly if I will feel uncomfortable or resentful by answering.

Not so easy in practice.

Sibling Relationships and Assumptions

I heard part of this program about sisters the other day on the Diane Rehm Show. The book by Deborah Tannen (You were always Mom's favorite) sounded interesting, and I will probably read it at some point.

I think there can be a special bond between siblings. But I do not feel that if a person does not have this sibling bond, that they will be missing out on having a fulfilling life. (One of the callers on the show gave this impression).

I think each of us has different experiences and different relationships.

I'm certainly not trying to downplay the caller's obvious pain about not having that sibling relationship. I think I'm just saying that just like a relationship with a parent, we don't always get to choose our siblings or families, or the dynamics of those families. It's just not cut and dry.



My twins are beginning to recognize that they are different people, with different likes and dislikes. They are becoming more independent (something my husband and I are fostering). They disagree, and at times we talk about how it's okay to disagree, and to have different interests. They sometimes have different expectations of each other, and those expectations clash at times.

This has all been happening for years, but as they become more verbal, it's easier to discuss with them.

When they were first born, some people would say things like "oh, they will always be friends" or "they will always be close". And I silently disagreed.

It's not that I don't want my children to be close. I hope they will be friends and be able to support one another. ***

But I also think that how a parent reacts to their children, whether or not they play favorites, handle individual attention and competition and whether or not they "force" a friendship or relationship between siblings makes a difference.

And, of course, the siblings themselves may just be very different people, with different personalities.

Two anecdotal examples:

The first is that I asked an friend with a twin sister if he had any advice for me (as the mother of boy/girl twins). He also cautioned against forcing my twins to be friends - saying his parents had done just that, particularly as teenagers. And as we all know (or most of us can agree) the surest way to get a teenager to do the exact opposite is to force them to do something. It wasn't that he disliked his sister, but the parents' getting involved in their sibling relationship was not helpful.

The second anecdotal example: a friend of mine from a large dysfunctional family (not mormon) grew up with two sisters. His mom didn't have sisters growing up, so she was determined that her two daughters be good friends. (The same mom also didn't want them to cut their hair, as she believed it looked better long - like I said, there were lots of unreasonable expectations in that family, and not a lot of tolerance for differing views/feelings).

This was some time ago, they (the sisters) are both now adults, so the situation may be different. But at the time, as sisters, they didn't seem to have an especially close or ideal relationship. And their mom's insistence on a friendship didn't seem to help either.

Of course, this is all my opinion from the outside, not being in either sibling relationship, I don't know for sure.

I don't think that a person can make assumptions about sibling relationships, or assume that siblings will always be close.

***Note: I enjoy interacting with my own siblings and want the siblings of mine reading this blog (hi!) to know that I love and appreciate them for the unique people they are. This post is not necessarily a reaction to my own sibling relationships but sibling relationships in general (and stereotypes of those relationships).

Message Board Dynamics

Most of my readers know, I've been on various message boards on the internet for quite some time. No doubt it's my own personal way of interacting with the drama triangle...

Many of these message boards are centered around mormons or former mormons. There are simply lots of places to discuss mormonism on the internet. I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but it did.

I think that mormonism just leaves a lot for people to discuss. And I've argued for years that former mormons (and some mormons) just have a ton of very interesting things to say.

Another personal theory is that there is just a little box/group of things to talk about in mormon church services (due to correlation) that it's not surprising the mormons have a lot to say.

I was going to post on this myself, but I sometimes compare all the different message boards to all the different tables at the cafeteria in high school or college. (They would be pretty large tables and groups).

The Venn diagrams that I saw that someone did were also pretty cool.

Some people move between various tables, interacting with different people. Some stay at one table. Sometimes, people can overhear one another and will comment about it at their "home" table (I can't believe she has this political opinion, etc.) That's what can make everyone a little paranoid. But in high school/college, it was easier somehow. I knew all the other tables were there, I knew most of the other people by sight, maybe we had friends in common.

A person doesn't know what's out there, and who is reading/listening.

I simply find the social dynamics of the various boards really interesting, and sometimes feel there is a dual message/response from each post - a person is posting for the message board they post at, but there are lots of lurkers (from other boards, who may strongly disagree) and even people in the future who will look back at whatever was posted.

It does, honestly, make my head hurt sometimes.

False Intimacy

I just stumbled upon foxy's blog (hi!). This is a quote from her post:

"She and I were talking about blogging and the false intimacy it can sometimes foster with people. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to meet people who know many of your darker secrets.."

I think this is a really interesting point (that, of course, I have additional thoughts about). It leads me to think all sorts of things about privacy, intimacy and friendship.

Having met (face to face) people I only knew from online was a very odd experience. I met up with some people from a former mormon listserve I was on (long time ago).

And figuring out how many people know about say, your blog, is always interesting. Or how many people that you've told about your blog that are actually reading it.

I was struck (at least then) by how much you can know about a person through what they write - but how much writing leaves out. There is much more to a person than their blog (or what they write on a message board). And this is seven years ago.

On the other hand, it (my online presence) is not terribly dissimilar to other social arenas in my life. Various people know various things about me. Most everyone I work with currently remembers when I was pregnant (wasn't too long ago) and asks after my kids. My kids' photos are on my desk, along with a wedding photo. (As an aside, it's still funny to me how most people still think my siblings are my college friends...they find it hard to believe I have so many siblings).

I am not trying to blog about my work here. I'm just saying, some people know things about me because we work together. And that might also create a sense of false intimacy. I am also friends with people I work with, and friends with people I worked with in the past. It is also interesting what questions co-workers will feel comfortable asking.

It can be odd to have those conversations with friends to say - did you mean to say this? Is that what you meant? Or to have someone ask me if I meant what I said. And for the record, I really appreciate it when people do this - ask me for clarification. Because I have been known to stick my foot in my mouth - and I may make an off the cuff remark that is not what I meant to say. Or gives the wrong impression about my beliefs or ideas (or my respect for various people in my life).

This is a good reminder, because I read quite a few blogs. There is certainly no promise of anonymity here (or anywhere). There is also no promise of intimacy. It is good to remember that there are lots of people out there reading, who may have a host of different reactions. And that self-disclosure is not the entire picture. I am much more than what I choose to share here, and so many more people are as well.

Better left unsaid

I read something the other day that mentioned that some things are better left unsaid. That can be heresy in today's culture, where everyone is encouraged to share their feelings and secrets.

And that sharing I agree can be very healthy and freeing. I've discussed two examples here of family secrets that were definitely NOT useful for the families.

But in intimate relationships, complete stark honesty is not always useful. The example in the book I read was a husband who said "I think you're really attractive, but I'm also really attracted to your sister".

I chuckled about the example, as one of my ex-boyfriends did EXACTLY that. Granted, he and I weren't dating at the time, but still.

It's a great example of something better left unsaid.

(P.S. The line is very difficult to draw. The line where someone remains honest and open while not being hurtful. Any guidance or suggestions, or examples of sharing that clearly crossed the line are welcome in the comments).

College Memories

On a social networking site, a friend posted a note about favorite memories from college. One might think, given some of my rants here that I might not miss college, but strangely enough I do.

This was my response.

16. What is one of your fondest memories?
Hmph. I have so many, it's hard to start anywhere. I miss having daily or weekly conversations with so many people.

There were a handful of things I didn't love, but there was a ton that I miss on a regular basis. I miss the library. I miss the on campus coffee house. I miss dying fabric and walking everywhere. I miss waitressing and my husband's fraternity house. I miss my old apartment and specific people I lived with in that apartment (the subtext is that there are people I lived with whom I don't miss).

Most disturbing of all, I think I actually miss the computer lab(s).

Yeah. I think it's safe to say that I miss parts of my college experience.

I am so happy for you

One of the interesting things about social networking sites is re-discovering friends or acquaintances from the past. Sometimes it can lead to awkward interactions and ignored friend requests.

But sometimes it can tell you more about a person that you might have lost touch with. Through friending, one can find out information about where that person is at, what they ended up doing, where they work now, etc.

One person I recently found had a raw deal (my opinion) after graduation. From what I remember, her long term boyfriend had asked her to give up opportunities after graduation so they could be together. Then, a few weeks prior to graduation, they broke up (I believe he broke up with her). Yes, she was just as responsible for giving up that chance, but it was still not exactly fair. I remember her talking about how she struggled to get her feet under her and to make new plans. The opportunity she had passed up was gone.

It's been over ten years, and she and I had lost touch. But I noticed that she's now married, and really happy. I'm not suggesting that being married, having kids or graduating from a grad program (or medical school) equals happiness.

If there's one thing I've learned over the years, there is no guarantee for happiness.

I'm just glad to hear that she is back on her feet and happy. There are a lot of people that I've known over the years that I simply wish every happiness.

Gifts and Obligation

I'm reading Pride and Prejudice for the first time. I know it's a classic, somehow I never read it before now.

I'm struck by the nature of obligation which runs throughout the novel. I won't give specific examples, but if you've read the novel and are not amazed by the simple things that are enormous social gaffs (in early nineteenth century upper class British society) I would be shocked. Speaking to someone without being properly introduced is a good example. Or interrupting a person after they have read three pages of a sermon you're not interested in. I'm sure that the picture that Jane Austen presents of that society is realistic and accurate.

In our society, obligation is not always so cut and dry. It's often very difficult to determine what a person is "obliged" to do. Holiday gift giving is the perfect example of suchtreacherous waters. It's difficult to know what's being "polite" and what is being truly caring for those around you and yourself.

It would seem if someone gives you a gift, you are obligated to give them one (of equal makeup) in return. But I would argue that this is not necessary and not necessarily healthy. I have known many people over the years who go into debt (and some tremendous debt) to return a gift.

I spoke a little bit about this attitude in my post here.

I'm a fan of my friend north node's best gift evah bloghere. The blog authors (NN and Susania) discuss various gift giving strategies and wisdom. I certainly believe in showing the people in your life that you care about them.

Perhaps I'm just rationalizing the fact that once again this year, my family and I will receive gifts that we will not be able to return in kind. In some cases, we haven't been exchanging gifts for years now. And we have a relationship of equals, people of a similar age and financial ability.

I would make gifts, but I've found that even making gifts can also be expensive. Some craft supplies don't run cheap. And there are some people who will wear a scarf that I've knit or eat a fruitcake that I've baked and some who will not. As an example, I made some bath supplies for family members some years ago, and each time I visit my parents' home I see that the bath oil is still relatively unused in the guest bath. I know many people really appreciate homemade gifts, but some do not.

I have to trust that the people who are giving gifts realize they will not be reciprocated, and realize that they don't have to give us those gifts.

I've been told (repeatedly) that to actually say that they don't have to give us the gifts is rude.

So I'll do it here.

Thank you so much for your generosity. It is truly appreciated. We cannot return your generosity. I don't think it will be returned in the near future, unless we were to win the lottery. We may even spend some of our money on things you might not agree with, instead of on gifts for you and your family.

My attitude may sound awfully selfish. And perhaps it is selfish. I was certainly raised to believe that it was selfish to take care of myself first and others second.

Yet if I've realized anything over the years, it's that I have to start with myself first, and stop depending on what other people think. I trust that I will be able to give and support when it's really needed, and not give (and go into debt) out of a sense of obligation.

Near Miss

Years ago, I was dating a guy who turned out to be a total jerk. Well, really, he did turn out to be a jerk in my opinion. This is not a label that I throw around lightly. After we dated, he kept getting in these relationships with women that followed a certain progression. He and his girlfriend would be attached at the hip. When they define "attached at the hip", there should be a photo of this couple. You would always see them together outside classes, one would be waiting outside of the class for the other to come out. It was spooky. Then, after around six months or so, he would dump them (the girlfriends), cold turkey. The girlfriends were left struggling to figure out who they were, struggle to develop friends, and figure out what was so alluring about the new girl. There wasn't just one that this happened to. Yes, of course, they were also part of this. I'm just holding him equally accountable.

I actually hold no ill will towards him. I thank whatever higher power that we broke up as quickly as we did. He's actually on my list of people that I can't believe I dated. And he still hasn't friended me on certain social networking sites, which is stunning.

Back in the day, he was of the mindset that friends had to like everything. It was a little disturbing. He would talk about friends of his from high school - how this small group had "the same excited reaction" to various movies, etc. Particular actors also invoked this reaction, shakespearean actors for example. Looking back on it, I wonder just how honest everyone was.

So one night, he wanted to watch a certain movie that he had a near spiritual experience to. He kept raving about the brilliance of this movie. How as soon as I saw it, I would get it.

I watched the movie. It was, in fact, pretty good.

It wasn't the best thing since sliced bread though. I certainly didn't have a spiritual experience. In fact, I was left wondering what the big deal was (another example of too much hype). I was honest with him about it, although perhaps I gave a rose colored glass perspective.

It was the beginning of the end of the relationship.

I was young, this was a long time ago, things might have changed since then. But I was struck by the notion that friends couldn't disagree. That people in relationships couldn't have separate lives and interests.

This weekend, I may go see a local choral performance. I was in choir in high school, and I loved it. When I think back on high school, the time in choir is one of the bright points. I may consider trying out for this choir at some point in the future. Who knows.

My husband doesn't share this passion. I wrote about our different interestshere. I don't think any less of our relationship for it. I don't think any less of friends of mine that can't stand choral music. There are lots of other things that we've found like this. Interests I have and he doesn't, or vice versa. Same with many of my friends.

I love that we have different interests and hobbies. I love that we have different reactions to things. It's thrilling to have things in common, but it's nice to have my own space. I can't imagine how boring it would be to like everything in the same amount. To have the same reactions to everything - what would be the point of conversation?

In trying to be supportive (or make conversation), I show my foot in mouth disease...

It was bound to happen again. I made (another) comment that (possibly) hurt a friend's feelings.

This has always been something that I've struggled with (Do I have a lot of things I struggle with? Yeah :)).

Anyway - I am trying to recognize when I cross the line. It helps when good friends call me on it - ask me what I was thinking or what I really meant.

I'm trying to change and not comment on things that are really none of my business.

The goal (my goal) is usually trying to show support. To understand the issues that friends are facing. To share my experience and perspective. I'm just not so good at the support thing. I bring up landmines that really don't need to be mentioned. Particularly when whatever we're talking about doesn't directly impact me and is not in my control.

It's a difficult line, because I don't want to pretend there isn't an elephant in the room.

But I do want to pick my battles.

And only bring up stuff that directly impacts me.

So a friend's relationship with their mother in law, and their mother in law's opinion about what they're doing? None of my business. Even though we've discussed the relationship before and the friend has expressed some concern. There are better ways to phrase the questions that give a person room to share but don't put them in an uncomfortable position.

And - not that this is surprising to anyone either, I know exactly who I learned this from (my mom). Which is the reason why I want to work on it.

Social Networking Rants

Yeah, I know I was warned about the social networking web.

And I should have realized that it was only a matter of time. But honestly, I didn't think one of my ex boyfriends would find me this quickly.

I know, many of you are saying, aerin, what are/were you smoking?

Now I'm going to go and meditate on just why I'm feeling uncomfortable.

Women and Men

Many years ago, a former boss spoke with me about her divorce. They were a liberal couple, put their kids first, tried to be open. She said that despite their best intentions, societal expectations of gender (and other things) just got in the way.

The way I read that is, despite our best intentions, despite all the work so many people have done to see a person as "human" instead of male or female - we still have a long way to go. Because gender and relationships are ingrained in our culture - we can't escape them despite our best intentions.

I have many theories and ideas about gender. This is one theory in particular. There is an unspoken prohibition on men and women being friends - especially if one (or both) are in a committed relationship. I am speaking of this strictly from a heterosexual angle - I can't begin to explain GLBT relationships in this theory. Except from the very little that I know, gay/lesbian couples seem to have a much better handle on this dynamic.

For example, I've recently begun carpooling. It's been working really well. We have moved to three days per week! But I find when I explain the carpool arrangement to co-workers and friends, I always have to qualify "he's a friend of my husband's".

Why do I do this? Why do I feel that's necessary? If I were carpooling with a woman, I would not feel that pressure. Even if I were carpooling with a woman who is an out lesbian, I wouldn't feel that pressure.

Is it because I've known co-workers who were rumored to have had affairs?

This may just be the way I was raised (for active LDS, a married man and single or married woman are not supposed to drive alone with one another. Even a man in his 50s and a widow in her 80s going to church. I'm not joking about this. There could be the appearance of impropriety). Maybe I just live in a conservative state and community (people here routinely assume everyone is Christian).

But as an adult, after college, I've found that the number of male friendships that I've had have dwindled significantly. The blame for this falls squarely on my shoulders. Granted, I've admitted here before that I have a rough time making friends in general.

And as a couple (my husband and I have been together for eleven years now) - often people make friends as couples. I have friends of my own, and he has friends of his own, but that dynamic/undercurrent is still there. It's not that either of us have to "approve" of the other's friends, but it's just politeness that we all get along. I've gone on record that I'm not happy with certain friends who show up to my house drunk (really drunk) who I don't think should be around our kids.

In high school, I found my friendships revolved around who was in my lunch hour - now I find that friendships revolve around where I work and who gets along with my husband and (now) my kids.

So - how do we fight against these stereotypes? Because I believe this is just another subtle form of sexism. How do we fight about the "When Harry Met Sally" mindset? (For those who don't know, that's the idea that men and women can't be friends without wanting to sleep with one another, and that getting in the way of the friendship). One of the articles I've read/heard of recently is that many couples expect their spouse to be "everything", friend, lover, etc. If we want to create an extensive support network, why can't we (as a society) allow for platonic friendships between men and women? We're discounting 50% of the human race as the potential for support.



And, for the sake of argument, there are many people who don't run into these stereotypes. Where men and women are friends and no one cares what other people think (if they are actually making any judgments). It may just be my conservative midwestern environment.

This may be generational. I've watched this (for years) with my own parents (at church) and my in laws and their friends. At some point in the gathering, men and women will separate. I can't see my father in law (or Dad) being friends with one of my mom (or mother in law's) friends on their own.

After the incident I wrote about here, my Dad wrote the mother of this person in sympathy - basically a "it's sad that bad things happen, that just being married in the LDS temple doesn't solve all problems". He said she wrote back to agree, and that was that. My Dad specifically said he wouldn't continue writing her, as they were both married to other people. It wouldn't be "proper".

So I'm going to fight against these labels and stereotypes. I'm going to work on this myself. And I'm going to think twice myself before looking at a male/female friendship - attempting the re-think that first gut thought that there might be more there.

PS. there is a great song by They Might Be Giants with this same name. You can buy the cd here

Confrontation

I hate confronting people. I will go out of my way to AVOID confronting someone. I realize this is a learned behavior so it can be unlearned. But it is d*mn hard.

Partially, I think it's that I'm not good at reading social cues - or hinting/manipulating. I'm not someone who thinks quickly on their feet. I'm tactless - although thankfully more tactful than my mother. I've been known to beat dead horses (in conversation) - often. I know I've probably offended various readers of this site in the past - without knowing it.

So - in advance, I apologize for any past (or future) offense. I do put my foot in my mouth, often.

I've confronted people in the past. At times the confrontation goes very poorly. Often, since I dread confrontation, I let things go until the situation has gone too far. I become very emotional about it - and can't think clearly. The other person (at times) is either not able to hear me (I mean really hear me) or to respond (for whatever reason). Their feelings are deeply hurt.

In college, I lived with a handful of passive/aggressive people. I wasn't able to confront them about it. The negativity and paranoia set in for me - it was one of the lowest times in my life so far. I had no idea where I stood with these supposed friends. Some might be friends, but I couldn't be sure. For example, one person would ask my roommate for a ride. She would say yes, feeling obligated to drive them. Then, she would complain incessantly about that person and having to drive them somewhere. I started thinking - what if every time I ask this person for something, they say yes and then resent me for it?

Everyone in our circle was fair game for this backstabbing. No one (really) wanted to be honest about their feelings. No one would say "No".

My personal level of paranoia was off the charts. Because I wasn't able to confront her - and was paranoid about her response - she and I are no longer friends. For this reason and other reasons. I don't think she would have ever been honest with me - ever told me how she really felt. If she even knew how she really felt. I would have had to read her mind.

I give this as an example - as I am just as responsible for speaking up for my own hangups. If I don't say something, a person will never know their behavior is NOT OKAY.

Yet in some cases, like one currently with a person I work with -I'm not sure they will ever be able to hear me. Not only is age, intelligence (possibly), tact, mental hangups in the way - we still have to work together. I don't know if they will be able to change - but at least they will know this behavior is not okay around me. Unlike the prior example, this person and I are not friends and I'm perfectly fine with that.

I would much rather stick my head in the sand. I want to ignore the issue. Yet that is a cop out.

I can't keep complaining about something - if I won't do something about it. I need to confront what's going on - or let it go.