It gets easier

Some weeks ago, I was talking with friends about what I would tell my younger self (late teens, early 20s). Variations of this meme have been around for awhile, the current iteration is what two words would you tell yourself.

I thought about what I would actually listen to from myself.  This is aside from giving my younger self good advice about drinking alcohol; drink lots of water, stay away from grain alcohol. (Really, stay away from grain alcohol and if not, be careful what you mix with grain alcohol). 

But there wasn't anything specific I could think of.  So many experiences, some painful ones I never want to re-live. But they made me who I am.  
 
So the two words I would tell myself would be focus (on) yourself.  Yes, the on is a third word - but critical. I have always been focused.  But for so long I was concerned about everyone else and what they were doing.  I paid attention to things that were out of my control.

It sounds like more of our narcissistic culture.  But truly, focusing on what I can control has been worth so much more.  I have so much more acceptance and satisfaction with who I am and with life.

Another thing I wish I'd known (now that I'm in my late 30s) is that life gets easier.  Who knew?

Of course some things never get easier (funerals, death) and I suspect they never will.

But getting things done, understanding my expectations, understanding what is likely to happen, routines, I get it now.  I am so much better at this stuff than I was straight out of college.

My body may not look like it did 20 years ago, but I'm coming to a place of acceptance with that.  It helps that I know that the media focuses on that very narrow perceptions of bodies and what they look like.  The majority of us are outside of that curve (the majority of women are not nineteen and a size 2).  While I understand this logically, I have yet to fully accept it emotionally.  And then I think about the standard that men have for attractiveness - men are not judged (as much) for how they look.

For the record, it makes sense that life gets more predictable as one ages. When you've had twenty additional years, those are twenty years to observe life and its patterns.  Life has a way of settling into patterns and routine.

Perhaps this is simply some sort of respite in parenthood between toddlerhood and raising teenagers.  But that's my take.  There are so many perceived negatives about aging, it would have been nice to know that there are some positives.

First Mother's Day

On my first mother's day, I was still very, very pregnant.  Many doctors induce moms of twins by thirty five weeks.  Not my doctor! I was still on strict bed rest and taking terbutaline (an anti-contraction medication).

To say I was miserable would be an understatement.  I couldn't leave my house.  I couldn't go out to eat.  I couldn't stand up to shower. 

And being pregnant is very uncomfortable.  I think people (particularly men) forget that.  At our birth class, the partners tried on the fake pregnancy belly.  The first comment from each person was "Man, I have to pee!"  It's as if one little part of understanding and empathy dawned on their faces. 

I had sharp back pain; many of my friends who have been pregnant say the same thing.  I could barely sleep (and that's not a problem I normally have). 

So I spent my first mother's day trying to psychically tell my babies and body to start contractions. It didn't work (of course).  They were born two weeks later.

More than a few people praised me later for carrying the twins to thirty eight weeks.  The compliment felt strange, as it was something I had no control over.  I had no control over conceiving twins, no control over carrying them to thirty eight weeks (not really).  I suppose I could have not taken the medication, or snuck out of the house and gone running. 

But I know twin moms (and other moms) who would have done anything to keep their baby/babies gestating just one day longer.  Some spent weeks on magnesium in a hospital bed. 

While each person has some control over the birth, pregnancy and parenthood process, there is so much out of our control.  That's what I like to remember on Mother's Day. 

Food

Food has been an stressful thing for my family of origin. It's not the only stressful thing, but somehow it's up there in terms of conflict and stress.

I suppose I always knew this, but recently I've come to an increased awareness of it.  It should be simple, right? It's just food.  It's just money.

I think being aware of why things are the way they are, and accepting that - we can figure out how things can change (if they can change).

Money is where it started, as most things start with finances.  Growing up my Mom was responsible for grocery shopping and meal planning.  My Mom was a stay at home homemaker.  Money was very tight as our family kept growing on one income (four kids under the age of five, five kids under the age of eight).

Money spent on groceries must have been something my Mom could control. 

The other day, I was at the grocery store and I remembered that my Mom used to sort the food on the conveyor belt before checking out.  I was trying to figure out why she would do this.  (I would ask her why here in the present, but she would probably say she either doesn't remember doing that, or doesn't know why she did that.  So my impressions get to work for us both.)

I think she would group the crackers or vegetables together because later she would go through the receipt - line by line.  Making sure everything she bought was on the list and needed.  And probably checking the price to see how prices had gone up.

This would have happened only when she had energy.   I can't imagine how exhausting having so many young kids might be.  She also suffered from undiagnosed depression, which also would have impacted this process.

As a result, where corners could be cut, they were cut.  We never went hungry, and we always had "balanced" meals.  Not necessarily low sodium meals - lots of food from cans.

But if my Mom could buy stewed tomatoes for $.05 cents less than diced tomatoes, she would.  And she would drive to multiple stores to get the best prices. I do the same thing- but as an adult I'm aware of the cost of time, gas and other factors.  Is it really worth two gallons of gas (and the illusive environmental impact) to drive and save $.30 on a can of tomatoes?

So I think it had a lot to do with control, and with feeling successful about feeding our family.  I see commercials or tips for parents to save money on groceries - and I confess, a part of me cringes.  Saving money is a good thing. But there is a point where the quality of life suffers.  I am not saying that our quality of life suffered - but the goal is making the best tasting meals, that everyone likes, for the least amount of money - something's going to give. 
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Cooking is also a skill.  Just like painting a wall, writing a paper, fixing a vacuum cleaner.  Cooking is not a "natural" talent for everyone - just because a person is a certain gender, or has a certain ethnic identity doesn't mean they will be able to cook. And it's not just cooking - again - it's cooking on a strict budget, for eight people, with a variety of tastes. My Mom had (has) some dishes she makes very well.  And my Dad did cook some of the time. 

But no matter how she felt, my Mom made dinner, for all of us.  And sometimes she was more successful than other times. And going out to eat was way too expensive. Going out was rare - so rare that I remember heated disagreements with my siblings about where we would go.  Since going out was so elusive, you wanted to make sure you went somewhere you wanted to go. 

So as adults, we have all this baggage that informs discussions and gatherings around food.  And to top it off, now some of us have food allergies or other dietary needs.  Not that anyone should be blamed for developing food allergies - it's just another thing to try and consider that makes meals much more difficult.

And just like with any group of adults - some people don't care for certain types of ethnic food, or had a bad experience at a particular restaurant chain, etc.

It makes discussing and negotiating food issues difficult. 
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I visited my family earlier this month.  The visit went well.  I had been sick the week before, and May is a notoriously busy month for me.  I sent my Mom an email talking about potential plans, discussing what I would be willing to make.  I didn't explicitly say that I would get groceries while I was there (with whatever they might have in their pantry) but I was planning on it. And that's usually how the routine goes - I go out and get coffee each day while I'm there (my parents have a coffeemaker?  ha!).  And I get groceries to help out - and to have a bit of my own say/control.

I arrived at my parents' house, and find out that instead my parent's would make another dish (one that I hadn't particularly liked as a child.  Did I mention I was a picky eater??)

So I had a choice, at that point, to flip out (which I probably would have done twenty years ago) or to go with the flow.

I talked about it with my Mom later - not getting angry, just curious asking her what her thought process had been.  She had seen my e-mail, and immediately thought of a reason that the meal I suggested wouldn't work ( a food allergy that as far as I know no one has) but instead of talking with me about it she just decided to make something else. 

This is pretty classic behavior for my Mom, for the record. 

Throughout the conversation, I just felt good about being able to explain my request without getting angry and confrontational.  And to make a request that in the future, she and I need to be able to discuss this type of thing.

With that said, however, food in my family of origin is pretty much like a hole in the road - it's there and not going anywhere.  I get to decide how to react, and how to make sure my needs are met.  And let the rest go.

self control and mormonism

I heard this article on npr the other day. It brought up some great points about allowing children to be responsible for themselves, delayed gratification, etc.

Like many mormons/former mormons, I grew up in an environment that was not terribly permissive. I was raised to be independent, but there was quite a bit of self-denial. It's that line between being cheap and being frugal - some of it was necessary for survival. I think it's safe to say that in many mormon families, there wasn't a lot of choice or accountability. One didn't get to "choose" to go to church, stake dances or seminary. Choice and accountability are important. If you don't choose to clean up your room, you miss out on a fun activity, etc. It's hard to explain, a person needs to be able to actually choose to do or not do something, not some sort of half-hearted attempt at "you *chose* to get baptized" (yeah right!).

For the baby boomer/conservative mormon parents, often something needed to be done simply because the parent said so and it was the right thing to do. period. And this method has its place as well, in moderation.

What the strict authoritarian family structure leads to people who don't have a great deal of internal knowledge or working boundaries. It's hard to internally figure out what *you* want, what *you* are feeling, to know your limits, if you're never allowed to explore them.

Some people leave the LDS church and really push the boundaries with self-destructive behaviors. It's a stereotype. Of course, I found many non mormon freshman who had the exact same response to leaving home. As soon as they were no longer under mom or dad's thumb, they threw caution to the wind. It happens. I'm not suggesting that experimenting isn't a part of life - and an important one. Not everyone reacts the same way - I have found over the years one can not make any generalizations about former mormons (and some current mormons).

The point of all this rambling is, raising children mormon does not necessarily do them a service in developing these internal compasses. Mormonism is intensely external. If nothing else, there is this belief that if you feel differently, if you receive a different answer, you're wrong, it's your problem (you're not righteous, whatever that means) or ask again. (I'm referring directly to the book of mormon, book of abraham, but even thorny questions about Joseph Smith's polygamy).

I can't say as a parent that I will be any better at this. From what I've figured out so far, limits and boundaries in parenthood has been critical. Routine has been important.

But I'm trying to also respect my kids for who they are, and allow them some age appropriate freedoms. I think moderation is the key. Moderation with important boundaries, health, safety, violence towards themselves or others.

I think kids are also watching parents (and other adults) to figure out how to respond to life. How to resolve conflicts. How and when to do stuff you don't want to do. How to handle grief and loss. How to have fun and let go. How to find that life between extreme self-denial and healthy, responsible self- control. And it should go without saying that the self-control is very different for each person/family.

What's in it for me

Some boomers would argue that my generation (gen x or gen y, who knows) is very self-focused, and perhaps has a disproportionate sense of entitlement. In other words, we expect the world to give us everything, without working for it ourselves.

I think there are times when hard work is required. When thankless work is required. When service just for the sake of service is necessary.

But in many places in our lives, I believe we absolutely can ask ourselves what we are getting out of the deal. I believe that is necessary and healthy. And if we're not getting what we want - figuring out if that can be changed, or if it can't be.

Some may say this is selfish. I don't think so. I think it helps everyone. There may be some pain involved, when volunteer organizations realize they can't call on person x every time they have an emergency. Or when they will no longer have a strong alto in the choir.

And maybe this is actually healthy. Other people grow and step up to the plate. OR, maybe the volunteer organization stops the operation or stops working as hard.

In families, in workplaces, this is part of life. People accept what they will do, and when something stops being fun, when something stops being rewarding, they look for other options. And that is okay.

There are polite ways to step out. You can train your replacement. You can offer advice on who may be a good replacement. And let go of the control of what will happen. It's not fair, for example, to leave a volunteer organization and then criticize them for not having an event they always had that you organized. Or maybe they didn't advertise in the paper like you always did. It seems to me it's worth more that you backed out and let go - and if it still matters to you, you go back.

I don't believe we should get everything handed to us on a platter. I do believe in working hard and in sacrificing. But I believe in being aware of what you are working towards, and what costs are involved. And if you're not willing to pay the costs - if you don't know if the outcome will be worth it - I absolutely think it's worthwhile to take an inventory of it - measure the pros and cons. Being long-suffering is not always positive or healthy. It's okay to question the statement of a lifetime of work, time and service will be "worth it in the end".

Frost/Nixon

Former President Richard Nixon is not really a controversial figure - as he's universally criticized. The criticism comes from both the left and the right. What seems to be more rare is someone who sees him as a flawed or tragic figure.

I recently watched Frost/Nixon. I had remembered my parents' opinions about Nixon, and other observations I heard over the years from various adults, teachers, community leaders.

What shocked and surprised me (after watching the film) was President Nixon's arrogance. And his defense of his behavior reminded me of the past royal "divine right of kings". So it's no wonder that a country built on opposition to monarchy would react so strongly to such behavior from its president.

Nixon's defense was that the president should be able to do anything - because they were the president. A turning point in the interview was when confronted with newsreels and the damage done in Cambodia - Pres. Nixon asserted "We should have gone into Cambodia earlier!" He wouldn't/couldn't admit that his decision was a mistake - or that it may have led to the regime of Pol Pot (a horrible dictator/totalitarian regime).

So I believe it's always interesting to hear a person's defense of their own wrongdoing.

I appreciated the movie because I thought I knew a lot about the controversy, I thought I knew of the events surrounding Watergate. I had read "All the President's Men", and I thought I knew most of the characters. I think I forgot just how angry and disappointed so many Americans were in the cover-up of Watergate, and how self-righteous Nixon could be. That he would claim to be a victim instead of admitting fault.



What struck me after watching the film was the reminder that in every situation, particularly political situations, people will argue for and against. What remains important (even critical) is to weigh the information and evaluate what we know in terms of facts. And being willing to change our minds about what we hear - when there is new evidence either way.

I did appreciate at one point in the interview (I'm assuming this happened in the actual interviews), he (Nixon) admitted that his actions might have hurt the American people and damaged their faith in their government.

Also, no matter what a person's crimes, to remember them with compassion - or at least as much compassion as we can muster.

It's not that we have to approve of what they did or forget what happened. But to remember that each human deserves some modicum of respect.

And just as one of the researchers (who had written two books scathingly critical of Pres. Nixon) was in a situation where he had to shake Nixon's hand - sometimes we are caught in a web of social standards and niceties. Sometimes we are not in control - just as a leader is not completely in control. It's a fact we/people tend to forget - it's nice to blame an individual for everything that happens - but that's not always the whole story.

It's strange to have some sympathy for Nixon, but after watching the film, I find I do have some sympathy for him. Perhaps that shows the genius of the play and the movie - and why it garnered so many Academy award nods.