Showing up

"Why don't you come on back to the war, let's all get even"

-Leonard Cohen

Being heard has been a defining motivator in my life.  As a mother in her forties, I find it bemusing how invisible I am. 

Yet being invisible has its advantages.  Much can be done when others are not paying attention.

I'm breaking my radio/blog silence because I can't quit you; this is my way of being heard.  Even if only a handful of friends hear me. 

The proof is in the pudding, as they say.  Speaking and listening matter, but in the end, it's the actions that speak for themselves. 

I am determined that my legacy be one of showing up.  I show up to things I value.  And when I can't show up (usually due to finances, or being the mom of twins), I want the people I love to know that I'm there in spirit.

People can throw around all sorts of ideas.  Who wins.  Why they win. Who's right and who's wrong.  In the end, respect is apparent, no matter what is said. 

Respect is showing up.  Love is doing the dishes, voting, marching.  Respect is learning and being open to learning.  Being willing to be wrong.

Words matter.  But in the end, what one does matters more than what one says. 

New Tricks

I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms. - Henry David Thoreau, Walden or Life in the Woods

The past years of transition have been ones with many firsts for me.  I am also consciously embarking on many new experiences.  I'm finding a mix between the comfort of routine and branching out.

I went golfing.  I am not a golfer, have never been a golfer.  I've played lots of mini-golf, but true golf is a bit different.  I've also played video game golf, but again, there's a big difference between clicking some buttons and determining one's stance.  It can be tricky not to hit the golf ball like a baseball.

I went golfing with my work team.  Mostly I drove the golf cart.  I knew ahead of time I would not be very good, and I wasn't.  But it was certainly a new experience.  I prefer to do things (particularly at work) that I know and understand.  There is already a great deal of programmer culture to appear that one knows different technologies or programs (whether or not one does).

There's a tendency to want to rest on my laurels, but that's not how I want to live.  I want to be doing and trying new things throughout my life, no matter what age.

Then this past week, I stayed in a hotel by myself.

It was one of those things I was struck by.  It must sound so odd.

Here I am, a professional woman in her late thirties, and I've never stayed in a hotel by myself before. It's not that I haven't traveled before (I have) or that I haven't stayed in a hotel before (I certainly have).  It's just that usually when I travel, I would go with someone else;  my kids, my former partner, friends or family.  Or, I would travel to a friend or relative's home (by myself) and stay with them.  I haven't traveled for work before and needed to stay in a hotel.

I suppose that's why it felt disjointed, I wasn't aware that this would be a new experience, and yet it was.

What I miss

I don't miss a great deal about being married.  Is that heresy?

It seems like there is a lot of societal pressure to get married, to stay married, to be part of a couple (particularly for women).

These are some of the things I miss.

-Seeing my kids every day
It's not really part of marriage, but because their dad and I lived in the same home, I saw my kids every day.  Now that's not the reality.

-Changing light bulbs
As someone who is relatively short, it was nice to have someone taller around to be able to reach the light fixtures.

-Being able to easily drop my car off for service
It's a lot less complicated when you have two adult drivers.  I can drop my car off now, it's simply takes more effort and coordination.

-Comparing notes about my day
When you live with someone, it's nice to compare days and to support one another (daily).  I have lots of friends but it's not the same as having someone physically there.

-Having someone who could attend work events, etc. with me
It's a bit awkward at typical couples' events to be there by myself.  On the other hand, it's nice to only have to entertain myself, and not other people.

-Taking the babysitter home
It's a longer process to return home, pick up the kids and babysitter, take the babysitter home and then return home myself.


My former partner and I get along, so we're flexible when one of us is sick, needs to watch the kids, etc.

I know many divorced parents don't have that option.

Perhaps what's more strange is there isn't more that I miss.  Like anything, marriage has its advantages and disadvantages.

Free range parenting fail?

The best part of childhood is exploring, getting dirty - experiencing the outdoors in all its splendor.  Not everyone agrees with me.

I live on a small lake.  I love going down to the water with my kids.  We skip stones.  We throw rocks in the water.  It's part of the reason I chose to live here.

There is a dead tree that fell into the lake. My two have been systematically taking it apart.  Tearing off the bark, breaking off the branches.

dead tree 2015

I would have done the same thing when I was ten.  And while growing up in my family was not always easy, my best memories are of exploring the outdoors.  Creating potions with leaves.  Building clubhouses underneath bushes.

Last Tuesday after dinner, we were out breaking branches.  All of a sudden, I hear "Are you going to clean that up?"  I didn't know where the voice was shouting from.  A neighbor was standing on his second floor porch and proceeded to curse us out (literally).  I started gathering the wood chips together.

He shouted things like "we all have to live here.  Now that tree looks like sh*t without its branches." "I've seen you here with your kids.  How can you let your kids do this? You're a (insert expletive here) mother".

We went inside.  I was shaken and upset.  My kids were shaken and upset.

I checked with the leasing office to find out the rules and to report this guy.  Sometimes people are jerks, which is what I told my kids.  If he has an issue with me, then he could have come down to the lake and discussed it with me as an adult.

Part of the injustice of it is that I know I'm a good mom.  Allowing my kids to explore the outdoors (while I'm right there) is part of what makes me a good parent.  Some jerk saying that I'm not a good mom, because he doesn't like what I'm doing is just his opinion, and doesn't make it true.

But part of the reason it upset me is that I work really, really hard to be the best mom, the best person I can be.  One guy's opinion doesn't change that.  And isn't it odd that we can hear twenty positive opinions but the negative one is the one we remember?

What kind of world will we live in when kids are indoors all the time in front of screens?  We already spend too much time in front of screens, consuming.  I haven't read the Nurtureshock or free range parenting books, but I'm familiar with the concept.  We spend so much time protecting our kids, so much time in sanitized situations, children are unprepared to deal with the world as adults.

I will continue to go down to the lake with my kids. We will continue to explore the outdoors.  Maybe we won't take apart the dead tree, but I'm not changing the way that I parent.

Not Intimated by Weather

Perhaps it was that my Mom grew up in mid-northern Canada (where it rarely got above 65 F in the summer).  Perhaps it's that her Mom was born and raised in mid-northern Canada.

Perhaps it's the other side of the family who has told multiple stories of driving through blizzards in the Utah/Idaho/Montana/North Dakota area where the interstates are closed (but they still keep driving).

I'm just not intimidated by the frigid temperatures and/or forecasts of snow.

Don't get me wrong, seven feet of snow is a big deal, and I would definitely be intimidated into cancelling events/plans for a six/seven feet of snow blizzard.

But given all this above history, a forecast of 1- 5 inches of snow and/or frigid temperatures is not going to keep me at home.  Just sayin'.

Everyone is different of course, and some people like staying inside and warm (curling up with a good book, movie, etc.)  I suppose this is where my extrovert side shines through.

Goals - 2015

February is here (the time for resolutions long past), but I heard this podcast the other day about goals.  I always heard about goals and goal-setting growing up, so to actually sit down and set goals seems anathema to me.

But I have set goals in the past (even sneaky goals) and I have met them.  The cast talks about sharing goal setting and successes with other people as encouragement.  So this is my encouragement to the few cranberry blog readers I have left; along with some of my current goals.

*I stopped drinking a particular diet caffeinated beverage daily.
This was not an easy thing.  One day I woke up and I had been drinking a particular diet beverage daily for years (probably over ten years). I had a routine.

I have no qualms with caffeine, but I had also read the numerous studies that showed this beverage's negative effects.  And my dentist wasn't happy with it either.  So I switched to unsweet tea and lemonade.  My dad (famously) said it wasn't possible but I've kicked the habit.  Frankly, I think the additives were more addicting than anything else.

*I stopped using as many paper plates.
At one point, paper plates were de rigeur at my house.  But with all the changes in my life in the past year, this is one thing that that has changed.  Perhaps it helps that my kids can help load the dishwasher.

But I've moved almost completely away from paper plates.  This gives me a strange satisfaction.  It's not as if my use of paper plates (or non use) will save the environment.  But it is one small thing I can do.  And I'm also washing some dishes by hand!  That would have been unthinkable some years ago.

* I try to read a classic book each year
So this goal I haven't been so good about following.  I did read The Mill on the Floss in 2013, but I haven't been as consistent as I'd like.  Fortunately, this is an easy goal to remedy, and the only person I'm accountable to is me.

This year the goals and resolutions are similar to last year, particularly this one:
*Try new foods
Trying new foods isn't terribly difficult for me, but it is a stretch for my kids.

*Spend an hour without screens each day
This one is also difficult for my kids. We've been reading books together (which counts), and also doing experiments from this book (Totally Irresponsible Science).  In the end, it's a good practice.

*Continue to work out
My apartment complex has a workout room that my kids can use with me.  It's a great benefit (though I think we probably annoy my neighbors).  I work out regularly and am planning on walking a half marathon in May.

*Continue to volunteer
Since I now have a lot more free time, I have time to volunteer.  While I have mixed feelings about my increase in free time, it's nice to be able to volunteer for various causes.  I'm honest about how much time I can spend, and can set my own hours.

*Pass a certification test for my work
I took this test last year, and unfortunately didn't pass (although I use the software daily).  Basically the test is written multiple choice with some trick questions (depending on the version of software).  I missed passing by two or three questions.  So I'm confident that if I study this year, I will be able to pass.

Best of luck to my readers (I haven't been writing as much, of late) in setting and working towards goals.

Honoring others' truth

I recently listened to this fmh podcast about perfectionism and the perfect mormon family (the fmh podcast is great, if you haven't already heard it).

It should come as no surprise to my friends and regular readers, but I was not raised to be comfortable with different narratives and different needs.  I was not raised to be comfortable with disagreement.  In fact, most things were black and white (hence I identify with Christine's experience).  I believe many mormon families (particularly those with mental illness or tendencies towards scrupulosity) may have a similar experience or experiences.

I find it challenging to not give advice, to not jump in with my take, and to honor other people's feelings while still honoring my own.

That's what I want, in the end, to show love to the people in my life.

I don't have any answers on this one.  This particular part of relationships is not easy.  The only thing I've found that has been helpful is to acknowledge that there are multiple truth(s), even in the same family - even in the same relationship.  Each person is able (or not) to acknowledge certain events, and views them in different ways.  And each person processes things in their own way.  I find I'm incredibly opinionated, and it's hard to not always share my opinion.  But my opinion is often not helpful.

I'm doing the best I can, and I acknowledge the others in my life are doing the best they can.  And, as I was discussing with my friend Kathryn the other night, time tends to bring clarity.  I wish I had known that at 20.

Turning into one's parents

I was determined at sixteen not to turn into my parents.  That may have been a life goal of mine at the time.

So it's ironic some years later to realize various ways I'm turning into my parents (and admit it to my children and the internets).

- I don't order pizza delivery
It used to drive me nuts as a teenager that my parents wouldn't order pizza delivery.  I ordered pizza myself a few times as a teen.  But now - the cost of tipping the delivery person is just too much.  And it's not as if it's a lot of money.  For me, I am much more willing to drive to the pizza place and pick up pizza myself (bonus points for the frozen pizza they carry).  And when the weather is awful and I don't want to cook - I hate the idea of the pizza delivery person driving to my house.

- I have been putting meat in the freezer
My children's dad was shocked when we first moved in together that I would put bacon and sausage in the freezer.  He felt this was heresy.

But for me, now, I'm eating a lot less meat, and it could easily go bad.  So I'm putting it in the freezer, and defrosting what I need.

- I don't play the lottery
For me, playing the lottery always feels like burning money.  It must be how much I know about the math involved - it's more likely that I will be struck by lightening.  Not sure if my parents said this explicitly, but it was always implied.

One of my goals is to be frugal, not cheap.  I read about the cheap vs. frugal dynamic - being cheap is deliberately not spending money and not being concerned about quality.  Frugal is being conscious about spending money, and working towards quality.

The most important part (to my mind) is making conscious decisions.  I am consciously choosing these habits of my parents (which typically make logical sense). It would be foolish (and immature) to reject good ideas just because my parents did (or did not) choose them.  I think it's only natural that each person chooses to be like their parents in some ways, and chooses a different path in other ways.

The infamous $10 peaches

When I start driving to Utah and canning peaches, that's when it will be time to be concerned.

Thriving

Rose bush 2014

I received this rose bush as a gift, a few years ago. I wasn't sure if it would survive, if I had enough time to take care of a rose (on top of everything else).

It turns out I did.

And it survived this past winter, which my lavender bush did not.

I wasn't sure that it would weather being re-planted and moving to a new place. But it hasn't just survived (as the saying goes) it's thrived.

My husband and I recently announced our separation and pending divorce.  I don't want to go into all the reasons for what happened.  It's between the two of us.  It was not an easy decision, we are both responsible, and we both tried really, really hard to make our marriage work.

It just wasn't to be.

As I mentioned in my fb status update, we are committed to putting the kids first and making the transition as easy as possible for them. And so far, both he and I have really been successful in that.  I've known too many divorces/separations that haven't been that way, so I am incredibly grateful.

And it has been hard, despite how amicable everything has been.

I have also received an amazing amount of support from family and friends, which is humbling (and makes me tear up sometimes when I think about it). It appears that some of the stigma of divorce is fading (thank goodness) and that our culture is changing.

I don't know what the future will hold.  I do know that so much of my life appears to be unexpected.  But it also has pleasant surprises - and gifts I didn't expect.

Ancestry

For a long time, I thought I looked the most like this great great grandmother - taken in 1903.

Great Great Grandmother 1

Great Grandmother 2

 
Or maybe this  great grandmother (the one who famously believed that you could line up righteous LDS women and righteous LDS men and have a successful marriage).

 Great Great grandmother 3

me, old fashioned

Yesterday we went to an exhibit where they take a current  photo of you and you can photoshop it into old fashioned clothing/poses.

I know the scanned photos are grainy, but when I look at it, I think I look the most like great - great grandmother number 3.  At least I think I have her eyes.  It's really pretty amazing that I have photos (copies) of all these women, and have some idea of what their lives are like.

Life is good

A lot has been going in for me recently, most of which I don't feel comfortable talking about at the moment on this blog.

May flowers 2014

But I'm struck by the fact that no matter what's going on, life is good.  Life is pretty amazing, in fact.  And I remain in awe (when I remember to be) that I'm here and that I have as many opportunities that I have.  Gratitude for all the opportunities that I was fortunate to experience.

Many local people complain about this past winter (it was a difficult winter).  And it's wonderful now that the winter is over, and at least here, it's firmly spring with flowering trees and warmer temperatures. So life is good.

Eleven Years in the Same Location

It was incredibly surreal for me when I realized that I had lived in this house eleven years, longer than any other home growing up.  We moved around a lot - back to Utah for my Dad to go to grad school - to various jobs.  My parents have lived in their current home for longer, but I haven't lived with them.

My Mom would call it the family wanderlust - every two or three years men in my Dad's family would have the urge to move.  It's hard to say what really was going on there. Job loss, better opportunities - in my experience, I think mormon families do tend to move around a great deal.  There is a built in social safety net of sorts, so a person doesn't have to worry about trying to find the best doctor or babysitter after moving (ward members will probably know).  Whenever my siblings were born, it was a fellow ward member who would come over to our house so my Dad could be at the hospital.  We didn't need to live in the same town as grandparents or extended family.

I've almost lived in this current city more than where I grew up - which is also odd.  I have no intention of changing cities anytime soon - I like my job and my kids are in relatively good schools.  I feel a strong sense of community here.

I must have some of the wanderlust my Mom spoke of, however, because I am still interested in moving (at some point) to a smaller location.  That's not the way it's supposed to work.  You're supposed to buy a house before having kids, and stay in a house and maintain it (including the lawn).  It's part of the American dream.  It's the investment you're support to grow old on.  It's like going to certain vacation destinations with your kids.  It's tradition.

But I don't want to spend all my time maintaining a home.  I don't mind gardening.  There are many "volunteer" flowers that come up every year.

But with the house (and yard) - I feel like I'm always behind the eight ball.  There is always a mountain of things to do, clean, sort, weed.  My sister said I should consider paying someone to do some of that for me, and she has a point.  But I don't want to pay someone to do those things for me, I want a smaller space so I can do it myself.  Much like this post - it's discovering that what everyone else wants for me or thinks I should want, I don't necessarily want for myself.

Oh yeah, I used to be mormon once

It was a little over twenty years ago that I stopped believing in mormonism.  I still attended the main church service (sacrament meeting), but it was under subtle and not so subtle protest. (Some not so subtle protests included doing homework during the sacrament meeting service and wearing pants I had made myself.  Unfortunately I do not have a photo of myself wearing those pants, which were amazing).

So I was shocked and amused recently when one of my husband's friends didn't believe that I used to be mormon, and thought maybe I had been part of an offshoot sect.

With all due respect, I have plenty of mormon cred.  Baptized at 8 - I remember going to the Washington D.C. temple with my parents, and folding my arms and being especially quiet to be reverent in the visitor's center. Just being that close to the temple was special and holy. (For the record, this would show some of my early tendency towards scrupulosity).  I remember wanting to sing the "I'm a Mormon" song to other people to tell them about my faith.

And that's not mentioning the fact that one of my ancestors crossed the plains from Nauvoo, and some were polygamists. One (some amount of greats) aunt was married to Joseph Smith.

Maybe this is another version of the "She wasn't a *real* mormon" type criticism of former mormons.  That's possible.

But what I hope that it is is that I have moved past processing my mormon heritage and faith (the initial insanity that some people go through upon disaffecting).

Being raised mormon is a part of who I am and won't change.  And I do read blogs, listen to podcasts, participate on boards because mormons and former mormons are just so interesting.

But unlike the young family with Utah plates and three kids under the age of 4 wearing short sleeves on the hottest day in summer (and the RULDS2 bumper sticker), there's not a flashing neon sign on my head that reads mormon.  (Or one that reads former mormon).

And for that, I'm grateful.

I have worked very hard to figure out what normal is, if such a thing exists.

And I have nothing against mormons/believing mormons.  I know/love many people who are active, faithful people (including my parents).

It's true, there is a part of me who wants to sit down with my husband's faithful friend and explain all this mormon cred.  I know who the current prophet is and I know what some of the talks said in the past general conference.  Then talk about all the stuff I know about mormonism.  But I want to respect his right to his own beliefs.

Sochi 1996

I have such mixed feelings about the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.

Sochi 1996 view from hotel

I've been watching them for a week now, and been just thrilled to see the competition (but also thrilled to see such a beautiful location).

We visited Sochi on a weekend trip back in December 1996.  We rode the train there and stayed in hostels.  Many friends actually swam (it was that warm).  I just remembered all the plants, the architecture was amazing.

But I am distressed by the human rights actions in Russia (and have been for some time).  The imprisonment of Pussy Riot, the freedom of the press.  I am pro-GLBT rights, pro human rights.  

Me @Sochi 1996

So I'm conflicted that by supporting the games, I'm supporting the Russian government and its policies.  

One thing I did learn, all those years ago was that the people were separate from the government.  That just because the American government decided to do things that I supported their actions.  And that the Russian people were generally the same.  It is a complex issue.  So I support the athletes, and I support the peaceful protesters.  

And I do wish I were there now, despite losing most of my Russian language skills.

I won!

It was earlier this week, but I won a Brodie! I'm so thrilled!

It was for this post last March about traditional marriage.

Thanks to everyone who voted!  There were lots of great entries (as always).

January update

It was cold last week.  While I've been one to ponder the cold in the past, this was colder than I've seen in awhile.

wine bottle 2014

We had a bottle of wine in our garage.  I noticed that it was frozen, but didn't take a photo.

Once it had warmed up (from -40 F) I went back to check on the bottle.  I found that the cork had popped, without a wine opener. FYI - frozen wine is not recommended, nor is leaving wine in your garage when it's freezing.

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In other updates, my phone died.  I had wanted to wait a few months before getting a new phone.  I hadn't backed up my photos or contacts.  One day, I could no longer get it to respond when I typed on the screen.   I called customer service, to no avail.

So I have a new phone, which my kids have been asking me about for at least  a year.  I am not the type of person who needs to get the latest phone or gadget.  I suspect it's my midwestern values.  My goal, as I age, is to become more frugal, not cheap.  So having a working phone is important, but having an exciting phone for my kids is not.

I like my new phone, but I would have liked to get old photos and contacts from my other phone.  It's unfortunate that the company's policy is to delete all personal data on the phone when it arrives and to charge the customer to fix it.  I won't be shopping there again.
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As a family, we got two games for the holidays.  I highly recommend both.  The first, Set, I first played at the family reunion with chanson.  It's not easy, but it's something both kids and parents enjoy.

The second, Rush Hour, was recommended by a friend.  (My son played at a friend's party and was hooked).  I'm not going to link to places you can purchase the games - I hope you visit a local business or follow a link to support your favorite cause to order online.

____________________________________________________
 Anyway - life is good.  I don't have much time to blog (like I used to). I do want to rehab this blog format and bring it into the 2010s. We'll see.

The Personal vs. the Political

There's a concept in sociology that there is a difference between individual problems and issues.  Problems, the theory goes - are more personal in nature.  Social issues are when a similar experience happens for many people.  I don't fully understand it myself and may not be able to articulate it clearly.  It's just interesting for me that some experiences can be very common for people in similar cultures and with similar backgrounds.

For example, after all these years of reading former mormon stories, blogs, posts on the internet, there are definitely many things that people have in common after leaving the mormon church (even leaving fundamentalist religions).  The experiences are not universal, but there are many hallmarks that are typical and not unusual.

I read this article in the atlantic some months back.

I am not surprised that chores are a good indicator of marital satisfaction. It seems so basic.  It also seems  incredibly obvious.

This quote from one of the participants in the article was interesting:

Personally, I don't have a life. My life is my family because whatever their needs are they always come first before mine and I can honestly say that. He—and I think it's great—he does his golfing, he does his bike riding, and it doesn't take a long time and he needs that. I don't get that yet. I don't have that yet. I don't have the time or the luxury. That for me is like a huge luxury that I don't see happening in any time in the near future.

Yikes.

What's surprising for me is that this experience is common.  It really shouldn't be so shocking for me.  We still live in a patriarchy. While American society doesn't have the same strict gender roles that mormonism does, strict gender roles still exist.  Discrimination against women still exists.

When something goes wrong with kids, society still (often) looks straight at the mom.  Was she doing stuff for herself?  Was she putting herself first?  And is it her responsibility to negotiate all this stuff with her husband because ultimately she is responsible for the marriage, for maintaining the family?  Some of these ugly beliefs are still out there, and still often referenced consciously (or sub-consciously).

What surprises me as well is that for me and my husband, despite being two college educated individuals, both self-proclaimed feminists, we still have run into this issue (negotiating about who does what).  Truthfully, it's a bit embarrassing for me, because I've read "The Feminine Mystique".  I've read lots of feminist theory and I thought my relationship(s) would be different.  

It's difficult to be co-parents.   It's tough to work and raise kids (and maintain a home). And it's not that one of us should stay home, or that one of us is shirking our duty.   It's that these negotiations are hard.  Being equitable is not easy.  It has to be conscious.  And it can't be assumed - it's a continuous process.  Both of us grew up in families where this negotiation either failed or wasn't equitable - despite at least one set of parents being feminists.

The space between idealism and reality is larger than I'm comfortable admitting.

And it's not just about who does the dishes, but about who plans. Who picks up the slack.

For me, I appreciated the article because it's nice to know that this negotiation is not just me.  This is not just my relationship - a personal thing between me and my husband.  This is a societal trend that many people struggle with, some more than others. And being aware that it exists and admitting it can help promote change.

It gets easier

Some weeks ago, I was talking with friends about what I would tell my younger self (late teens, early 20s). Variations of this meme have been around for awhile, the current iteration is what two words would you tell yourself.

I thought about what I would actually listen to from myself.  This is aside from giving my younger self good advice about drinking alcohol; drink lots of water, stay away from grain alcohol. (Really, stay away from grain alcohol and if not, be careful what you mix with grain alcohol). 

But there wasn't anything specific I could think of.  So many experiences, some painful ones I never want to re-live. But they made me who I am.  
 
So the two words I would tell myself would be focus (on) yourself.  Yes, the on is a third word - but critical. I have always been focused.  But for so long I was concerned about everyone else and what they were doing.  I paid attention to things that were out of my control.

It sounds like more of our narcissistic culture.  But truly, focusing on what I can control has been worth so much more.  I have so much more acceptance and satisfaction with who I am and with life.

Another thing I wish I'd known (now that I'm in my late 30s) is that life gets easier.  Who knew?

Of course some things never get easier (funerals, death) and I suspect they never will.

But getting things done, understanding my expectations, understanding what is likely to happen, routines, I get it now.  I am so much better at this stuff than I was straight out of college.

My body may not look like it did 20 years ago, but I'm coming to a place of acceptance with that.  It helps that I know that the media focuses on that very narrow perceptions of bodies and what they look like.  The majority of us are outside of that curve (the majority of women are not nineteen and a size 2).  While I understand this logically, I have yet to fully accept it emotionally.  And then I think about the standard that men have for attractiveness - men are not judged (as much) for how they look.

For the record, it makes sense that life gets more predictable as one ages. When you've had twenty additional years, those are twenty years to observe life and its patterns.  Life has a way of settling into patterns and routine.

Perhaps this is simply some sort of respite in parenthood between toddlerhood and raising teenagers.  But that's my take.  There are so many perceived negatives about aging, it would have been nice to know that there are some positives.

Class Reunion

Reunions are (were?) a cultural phenomenon.  Many movies have class reunions as their plot (Gross Point Blank, for example).

Recently I missed a significant class reunion for my college.  And I'm trying to figure out why.  I don't think I'm the only person who put the reunion on the back burner.  Our class missed the class news, we missed the official activities (no one wanted to volunteer).  I'm not sure how many people (from our class of 200) actually attended the reunion, but I suspect it was a low number.

When I graduated, I did think I would go to the reunions.  And I still might.

But I suspect that technology has greatly changed the landscape of reunions (much like everything else).

The point of going to reunions was to re-connect with people you had lost touch with.  To find out what they do with their lives, meet their spouse, see pictures of their kids.  In many of the books/movies/tv shows, a plot twist was to return to the reunion - having lost weight, had plastic surgery, made a million dollars.  I can't speak for any of my classmates, but I suspect that this was not a factor for missing the reunion.

And it's not that we didn't have a good experience, or remember friends fondly.  I think (can't speak for anyone else) that we did.  College was stressful and difficult, but it was transforming.

But the advent of social media has greatly changed this.  Now, I don't need to pay money for a hotel and transportation to find out what someone is doing - which couples are still together.  If I want to know, I can find them on facebook.  I can google them.  While there are some friends from college that I haven't reconnected with (or the holdouts who refuse to join facebook), there are a lot that have joined the site.  That I am already reconnected with (whatever connection through social media really means).  I can find out what they had for lunch.  I can find out who they will be voting for.  What enigmatic quote they are thinking of today.

So while I would love to have a weekend to spend with those friends (really, a weekend would be awesome) - I don't know that I value it like I would have without the social media presence.  Maybe it's that I've got young kids and travelling is expensive.  Maybe as the kids get older, it will be more of a possibility.  Maybe my college town is just depressing right now (it was always small, but now it's even more economically depressed).

Perhaps it's just the strange nature of the college that I went to, and the strange way we have of relating (or not relating) to one another.  Maybe I'm the only person still thinking about connections from college, when everyone else has moved on.  Maybe no one else wanted to coordinate a reunion (very possible) or be stuck holding the bag (also very possible).  Just something I've been thinking about.

Taking one's lumps

My grandmother told me a story about being pulled over by a police officer (or perhaps my Mom was telling the story about her Mom.  It works either way).  My grandma said she just started crying.  She couldn't stop.  I don't know if she was deliberately trying to get out of a ticket, or was simply under an intense amount of stress.  In the end, the officer (male) let her go with a warning.

I tend to be outspoken and opinionated, which I've tried to reign back in recent years.  I don't have "feminist" tattooed on my forehead.  I believe in equal rights and opportunities for everyone, regardless of gender. 

So I was surprised to find out an acquaintance had figured me out. The acquaintance observed (to my husband) that I was not the type of woman who would cry to get out of a ticket. 

And he's right.

I wouldn't (and haven't) cried to get out of a speeding ticket.  To my mind, if I was speeding (or I ran a stop sign), I will own up to it.  Some would argue, in a flawed system, I should take every advantage I can get.  And yes, it is a flawed system. But things have changed (quite a bit) for women. And it's legal for us to drive (unlike some places in the world).  And despite all of that, it's quite possible that I would still get the ticket, despite the waterworks.

The observation was an amusing anecdote.  It's always interesting to find out what other people think of you - if they're picking up on the messages you're sending (or misreading them).  Nevertheless, I took it as a compliment, because it's true. 

I expect equal treatment and consideration, and I'm not about to tap into the patriarchy/ "Fascinating Womanhood" if it will limit my choices or the choices of other women.