Showing up

"Why don't you come on back to the war, let's all get even"

-Leonard Cohen

Being heard has been a defining motivator in my life.  As a mother in her forties, I find it bemusing how invisible I am. 

Yet being invisible has its advantages.  Much can be done when others are not paying attention.

I'm breaking my radio/blog silence because I can't quit you; this is my way of being heard.  Even if only a handful of friends hear me. 

The proof is in the pudding, as they say.  Speaking and listening matter, but in the end, it's the actions that speak for themselves. 

I am determined that my legacy be one of showing up.  I show up to things I value.  And when I can't show up (usually due to finances, or being the mom of twins), I want the people I love to know that I'm there in spirit.

People can throw around all sorts of ideas.  Who wins.  Why they win. Who's right and who's wrong.  In the end, respect is apparent, no matter what is said. 

Respect is showing up.  Love is doing the dishes, voting, marching.  Respect is learning and being open to learning.  Being willing to be wrong.

Words matter.  But in the end, what one does matters more than what one says. 

Life is good

A lot has been going in for me recently, most of which I don't feel comfortable talking about at the moment on this blog.

May flowers 2014

But I'm struck by the fact that no matter what's going on, life is good.  Life is pretty amazing, in fact.  And I remain in awe (when I remember to be) that I'm here and that I have as many opportunities that I have.  Gratitude for all the opportunities that I was fortunate to experience.

Many local people complain about this past winter (it was a difficult winter).  And it's wonderful now that the winter is over, and at least here, it's firmly spring with flowering trees and warmer temperatures. So life is good.

Eleven Years in the Same Location

It was incredibly surreal for me when I realized that I had lived in this house eleven years, longer than any other home growing up.  We moved around a lot - back to Utah for my Dad to go to grad school - to various jobs.  My parents have lived in their current home for longer, but I haven't lived with them.

My Mom would call it the family wanderlust - every two or three years men in my Dad's family would have the urge to move.  It's hard to say what really was going on there. Job loss, better opportunities - in my experience, I think mormon families do tend to move around a great deal.  There is a built in social safety net of sorts, so a person doesn't have to worry about trying to find the best doctor or babysitter after moving (ward members will probably know).  Whenever my siblings were born, it was a fellow ward member who would come over to our house so my Dad could be at the hospital.  We didn't need to live in the same town as grandparents or extended family.

I've almost lived in this current city more than where I grew up - which is also odd.  I have no intention of changing cities anytime soon - I like my job and my kids are in relatively good schools.  I feel a strong sense of community here.

I must have some of the wanderlust my Mom spoke of, however, because I am still interested in moving (at some point) to a smaller location.  That's not the way it's supposed to work.  You're supposed to buy a house before having kids, and stay in a house and maintain it (including the lawn).  It's part of the American dream.  It's the investment you're support to grow old on.  It's like going to certain vacation destinations with your kids.  It's tradition.

But I don't want to spend all my time maintaining a home.  I don't mind gardening.  There are many "volunteer" flowers that come up every year.

But with the house (and yard) - I feel like I'm always behind the eight ball.  There is always a mountain of things to do, clean, sort, weed.  My sister said I should consider paying someone to do some of that for me, and she has a point.  But I don't want to pay someone to do those things for me, I want a smaller space so I can do it myself.  Much like this post - it's discovering that what everyone else wants for me or thinks I should want, I don't necessarily want for myself.

I won!

It was earlier this week, but I won a Brodie! I'm so thrilled!

It was for this post last March about traditional marriage.

Thanks to everyone who voted!  There were lots of great entries (as always).

Doing it all for the holidays

The older I get, the more I realize what went into creating the holidays.  It's a bit like seeing the man behind the curtain as an adult, as a parent in charge of making it happen.

ornament 2013

Like my cousin chanson, I also got sick right before the holiday.  What really happened was my daughter was intensely sick with a stomach virus, then my son got sick.  And then I got sick.  Basically, two weekends of prime holiday shopping and planning didn't happen.  And some of the holiday parties and performances were missed.  Typically I hate getting sick, but getting sick around the holidays is even more difficult and stressful.

Because the holiday thing is a lot of work. There is shopping for gifts.  (I've gotten over finding the best deals for presents, it's just too time-consuming).   There are lines and grumpy people.  Although next year I resolve to have the gifts wrapped by a charity organization - usually I like gift wrapping but this year it seemed overwhelming.  And it doesn't have to be this way.  And every year, inevitably, by the time we get to the toy store it is the last minute and gifts are picked over.  Next year, I also resolve to start the process earlier so I have time to order online.

Then there are holiday cards, if you send them.  Holiday cards seem to be one of those traditions that are fading fast.  Like reunions, I blame certain social networking sites.

Usually there are family meals, food that has to be prepared.  Bonus if you have some family members with food allergies and children who are picky eaters.  I was amazed by all the food I purchased - and we have consumed it all.  As I get older, this process gets easier (I remember to prepare for breakfast, for example).  And I'm not responsible for the turkey (I can't imagine) - fortunately most of the meals are much simpler/more manageable.

There is the baking.  I like to bake (I baked this year, on Christmas itself).  I'm good at it, not sure if it's part of being raised mormon or not (I strongly suspect mormon culture had something to do with it).  I've heard in some families someone (usually the mom or Grandma) bakes boxes and boxes of cookies to send to friends and relatives.

On top of all of that, there are also games/movies that keep everyone entertained.

I honestly don't know how all the people in my life did it all.  My grandmother seemed to effortlessly throw together huge meals.  And I read the other day about a great grandmother who was responsible for feeding the ranch hands - she too never knew how many people she would need to feed on a limited budget - two or twenty.

And yes, usually it was the women who made it happen.  All the holiday making seems to be a feminine responsibility - sometimes chosen, sometimes simply assumed.  I think it's holdover from the angel in the home.

I suppose I'm simply recognizing all the work, unseen and perhaps unappreciated.  Were there things done that maybe didn't need to be done? Was there extra stress that didn't need to be there?  Was there communication that could have been there, requests that could have been made which weren't made?  Of course.

In the end, for the most part, I enjoy what I do, I enjoy entertaining, selecting gifts and mailing cards. And I'm well aware that I choose to do all of this, even with a full time job.  I just realized that without the hard work of many people, often many parts of the holiday just wouldn't happen.

The Personal vs. the Political

There's a concept in sociology that there is a difference between individual problems and issues.  Problems, the theory goes - are more personal in nature.  Social issues are when a similar experience happens for many people.  I don't fully understand it myself and may not be able to articulate it clearly.  It's just interesting for me that some experiences can be very common for people in similar cultures and with similar backgrounds.

For example, after all these years of reading former mormon stories, blogs, posts on the internet, there are definitely many things that people have in common after leaving the mormon church (even leaving fundamentalist religions).  The experiences are not universal, but there are many hallmarks that are typical and not unusual.

I read this article in the atlantic some months back.

I am not surprised that chores are a good indicator of marital satisfaction. It seems so basic.  It also seems  incredibly obvious.

This quote from one of the participants in the article was interesting:

Personally, I don't have a life. My life is my family because whatever their needs are they always come first before mine and I can honestly say that. He—and I think it's great—he does his golfing, he does his bike riding, and it doesn't take a long time and he needs that. I don't get that yet. I don't have that yet. I don't have the time or the luxury. That for me is like a huge luxury that I don't see happening in any time in the near future.

Yikes.

What's surprising for me is that this experience is common.  It really shouldn't be so shocking for me.  We still live in a patriarchy. While American society doesn't have the same strict gender roles that mormonism does, strict gender roles still exist.  Discrimination against women still exists.

When something goes wrong with kids, society still (often) looks straight at the mom.  Was she doing stuff for herself?  Was she putting herself first?  And is it her responsibility to negotiate all this stuff with her husband because ultimately she is responsible for the marriage, for maintaining the family?  Some of these ugly beliefs are still out there, and still often referenced consciously (or sub-consciously).

What surprises me as well is that for me and my husband, despite being two college educated individuals, both self-proclaimed feminists, we still have run into this issue (negotiating about who does what).  Truthfully, it's a bit embarrassing for me, because I've read "The Feminine Mystique".  I've read lots of feminist theory and I thought my relationship(s) would be different.  

It's difficult to be co-parents.   It's tough to work and raise kids (and maintain a home). And it's not that one of us should stay home, or that one of us is shirking our duty.   It's that these negotiations are hard.  Being equitable is not easy.  It has to be conscious.  And it can't be assumed - it's a continuous process.  Both of us grew up in families where this negotiation either failed or wasn't equitable - despite at least one set of parents being feminists.

The space between idealism and reality is larger than I'm comfortable admitting.

And it's not just about who does the dishes, but about who plans. Who picks up the slack.

For me, I appreciated the article because it's nice to know that this negotiation is not just me.  This is not just my relationship - a personal thing between me and my husband.  This is a societal trend that many people struggle with, some more than others. And being aware that it exists and admitting it can help promote change.

It gets easier

Some weeks ago, I was talking with friends about what I would tell my younger self (late teens, early 20s). Variations of this meme have been around for awhile, the current iteration is what two words would you tell yourself.

I thought about what I would actually listen to from myself.  This is aside from giving my younger self good advice about drinking alcohol; drink lots of water, stay away from grain alcohol. (Really, stay away from grain alcohol and if not, be careful what you mix with grain alcohol). 

But there wasn't anything specific I could think of.  So many experiences, some painful ones I never want to re-live. But they made me who I am.  
 
So the two words I would tell myself would be focus (on) yourself.  Yes, the on is a third word - but critical. I have always been focused.  But for so long I was concerned about everyone else and what they were doing.  I paid attention to things that were out of my control.

It sounds like more of our narcissistic culture.  But truly, focusing on what I can control has been worth so much more.  I have so much more acceptance and satisfaction with who I am and with life.

Another thing I wish I'd known (now that I'm in my late 30s) is that life gets easier.  Who knew?

Of course some things never get easier (funerals, death) and I suspect they never will.

But getting things done, understanding my expectations, understanding what is likely to happen, routines, I get it now.  I am so much better at this stuff than I was straight out of college.

My body may not look like it did 20 years ago, but I'm coming to a place of acceptance with that.  It helps that I know that the media focuses on that very narrow perceptions of bodies and what they look like.  The majority of us are outside of that curve (the majority of women are not nineteen and a size 2).  While I understand this logically, I have yet to fully accept it emotionally.  And then I think about the standard that men have for attractiveness - men are not judged (as much) for how they look.

For the record, it makes sense that life gets more predictable as one ages. When you've had twenty additional years, those are twenty years to observe life and its patterns.  Life has a way of settling into patterns and routine.

Perhaps this is simply some sort of respite in parenthood between toddlerhood and raising teenagers.  But that's my take.  There are so many perceived negatives about aging, it would have been nice to know that there are some positives.

Taking one's lumps

My grandmother told me a story about being pulled over by a police officer (or perhaps my Mom was telling the story about her Mom.  It works either way).  My grandma said she just started crying.  She couldn't stop.  I don't know if she was deliberately trying to get out of a ticket, or was simply under an intense amount of stress.  In the end, the officer (male) let her go with a warning.

I tend to be outspoken and opinionated, which I've tried to reign back in recent years.  I don't have "feminist" tattooed on my forehead.  I believe in equal rights and opportunities for everyone, regardless of gender. 

So I was surprised to find out an acquaintance had figured me out. The acquaintance observed (to my husband) that I was not the type of woman who would cry to get out of a ticket. 

And he's right.

I wouldn't (and haven't) cried to get out of a speeding ticket.  To my mind, if I was speeding (or I ran a stop sign), I will own up to it.  Some would argue, in a flawed system, I should take every advantage I can get.  And yes, it is a flawed system. But things have changed (quite a bit) for women. And it's legal for us to drive (unlike some places in the world).  And despite all of that, it's quite possible that I would still get the ticket, despite the waterworks.

The observation was an amusing anecdote.  It's always interesting to find out what other people think of you - if they're picking up on the messages you're sending (or misreading them).  Nevertheless, I took it as a compliment, because it's true. 

I expect equal treatment and consideration, and I'm not about to tap into the patriarchy/ "Fascinating Womanhood" if it will limit my choices or the choices of other women.

Cleaning out the closets

I have a few days between jobs, and I am cleaning.  Generally I dislike cleaning.  Organization does not come naturally. 

One of my sisters moved recently, and I thought about how difficult it would be for my family to move at the moment.  We have a lot of stuff that keeps accumulating.  And on top of that, I have a general reluctance to throwing anything away. 

So in this closet cleaning process, I have piles for donation, for resale, for recycling.  But some things I will need to simply throw away. 

Here are some of the things I've gone through already:
-a vase that was a wedding gift (never taken out of the box)
-a clock we got from the wedding that hasn't worked for over ten years
-coats I never wore
-a cheese plate that I never unpacked
-old medications and beauty products (lotions from ten years ago, etc.)
-old VHS tapes
-old VHS tapes that people gave us as gifts that were never watched or opened

And the list goes on.  Sometimes I give things away, and then regret that choice.  I worry - in downsizing - that I will give something away that I really want or need. 

Without organization, however, I can't even find the things I know I already have.  Anti-itch lotion is a perfect example - I had three unopened tubes in various places. 

And the chances of me using that vase are unlikely - I thought it was ugly when I got it.  I could have re-gifted - but it was too ugly to give to anyone I cared about. 

My mantra has been that someone else can use it (this is true).  That things can't replace memories.  That if I haven't used it in the past year, it's on the list.  If it doesn't fit or is broken, it's time to go. 

I could so easily end up like relatives who had phone books from the 1980s (true story) next to extra cans of varnish. And drawers full of keys.  I don't want to be that way.  I don't want to put my friends and family through that.

It's a metaphor for life (of sorts).  Periodically, it's important to re-assess and re-organize.  To concentrate on what's important, and let the other stuff go.

Self care

I read this post this other day, and despite no longer being an active mormon, I can relate.  I too would not make it through the holiday season without boundaries.  There is simply a lot to do.   And I prioritize what I do. 

And - I don't do busy work during the holidays to make the holidays the best ever for people around me (which I used to try to do). 

I have a habit of trying to do too much in order to ignore whatever is going on around me (and the holidays are a great excuse for this).  Trying to please others constantly is usually a recipe for disaster.  Being kind to other people, being other-focused are fine; but focusing on my feelings and needs are important. 

Some things that have helped me during the holiday:

-I try to work out regularly and plan time to work out
-I make sure to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables (it's easy to try to get one's kids to eat veggies, it's much harder to remember to eat them yourself).
-I try to sit underneath one of those SAD lights on a regular basis
-I take fish oil and vitamin D
-I don't go overboard with baking

I'm mentioned it before, I wasn't really taught how to do all this stuff growing up. I was taught how to bake, wasn't necessarily taught to say no if someone asked me to do something. 

I agree with the "be the change you want to see in the world" philosophy.   So I have to take care of myself first, be aware of my own needs, and then reach out to others.  I focus on the present and what's going on now instead of outcomes. 

Suicide

I was shocked and saddened to learn of the death of a friend/acquaintance from college.  We weren't close - we weren't even friends on a certain social networking site. I found out about his death through the alumni class notes (which should say a lot).  But at a small school with 1200 students, you pretty much know everyone, or know someone who knows them.  And we had friends in common.

I'm struck by two things.  First, I'm struck that he was really the last person (or one of the last people) I would have expected to suffer from severe depression and to take his own life*. 

So what does that say? Evidently just because you know someone's public persona (and you've debated philosophy with them once or twice) doesn't mean you know anything about their inner life - who they really are.

*Let me explain what I mean.  David Foster Wallace suffered from severe depression and wrote about it eloquently. I was saddened but not shocked by his death for that reason.  It may sound callous or crass to say, but that's my take.  When people suffer from a disease, it's not unexpected when you lose them to that disease.

So I return to - how much did I know anyone? The news had me wondering "WTF" all last week - I initially thought it was some sort of elaborate joke.

Second, I question my own perspective about my friends from college - many are all stuck in my mind permanently where we were fifteen years ago.  I've changed - a lot - but I keep expecting this nebulous "they" to remain just where they were. 

Sure, some people have gotten married (and divorced) and had kids - and I see lovely photos of their lives on fb. 

I don't know, this guy seemed so put together and successful.  I could have easily seen him running for office, a professor or successful businessman, just about anything.  Fifteen years ago, the future seemed wide open. 

Things change.  What the heck happened?

My husband says I have to get used to this, the first set of friends dying from 18 -25, the second set after 35.  I don't think the losses will ever not be shocking.


Finally - suicide in itself makes people sad and uncomfortable - we've changed from the 1960s where it was taboo to discuss...But even today - it does seem taboo to discuss.

The consultant

I've had this cartoon up at my work forever.

There's an internet persona I encounter as a part of my job.  Basically, whenever someone has a question with a particular piece of software I work with*, he seems to weigh in.  Usually his comments decry that the original questioner is not a trained specialist, is asking ignorant questions, and he sharply criticizes management for not hiring professionals.  Obviously, this person has a financial interest in these comments - as he is a consultant who makes a living by advising in this field.  He's paid to be an expert, and to criticize the organization and its projects (right or wrong).

This type of arrogant attitude has always gotten under my skin.  In high school, a person was a "poser" without certain punk qualifications.  In college, it had to do with whether or not I had read certain authors or watched certain movies.  At my first job, it was whether or not my degree was in computer science.  For the record, at least that criticism had some basis in reality; a degree in computer science meant a higher salary and less job security.  If that company could keep hiring people without computer science degrees for a lot less money, they would fire the pricier computer science majors.

One sees this in former mormon circles a lot.  People have to trot out their mormon qualifications for speaking up about mormonism.  Born in the church, pioneer/polygamous ancestry (people don't usually mention the polygamy), mission, temple marriage, served in various callings are some of what's discussed.  Then, when they don't have that history, they're criticized for not have enough experience.  When they do, they're criticized for breaking sacred oaths and not enduring to the end.

So there's a vested interest in claiming people don't know what they're talking about.  Personally, I believe it's a balance. 

Of course people have to have a certain amount of knowledge and experience.  I wouldn't want an untrained doctor operating on me or my family. And some experiences cannot be learned.  I don't know what it's like to grow up as a male of color or in southeast Asia.

But it's ridiculous to always claim a person always needs certain education or experience that cannot be learned.  Humanity didn't get this far by assuming a person cannot learn, that they can only learn in certain ways, with certain official qualifications. 

Humans innovate.  They try to make things better.  Sometimes it's worth giving people the benefit of the doubt.

And if a person has read your diatribe against management hiring inexperienced people enough times that one can recognize your name and statements, maybe it's time to revisit your strategy.  I certainly wouldn't hire someone so obnoxious.  I would be concerned that my company or system would be dismissed - that the consultant wouldn't be working towards a solution. 

*For full disclosure, I found most of these questions by googling questions that *I* have had - so I wouldn't say the original questions were completely out of line. 

Tank Park Salute

I might never have met my friend Laura if it hadn't been for her grandmother.

I was working as a page in the children's section of the local library.  I can't recall exactly how our conversation started.  I believe I was checking out Laura's grandmother's books, which happened to be either "The Hero and the Crown" or "The Blue Sword" by Robin McKinley. It was probably one or the other, because I must have remarked that it was one of my favorite books.  Her grandmother, being the amazing person that she was, mentioned that she had a granddaughter who also liked those books.  At some point, she must have encouraged me to write to her granddaughter, who normally lived in Iowa but who was away in Maine at camp.  Somehow in the conversation it must have been discovered that Laura and I were the same age and also both about to be incoming freshman at different schools. 

It is an odd story.  It was difficult to explain to people who aren't letter writers (this is the early 90s before the wide adoption of the internet) how I met Laura.  She and I started writing back and forth, and became friends.

And it was always lovely visiting her grandmother when I was home on break.  She lived around two blocks from my high school.  She was an amazing woman.  She was the same age as my paternal grandmother, but they were (are) different in many ways.  Laura's grandmother didn't pay her taxes for seven years (a la Ralph Waldo Emerson) because she disagreed with some of the actions of the federal government.  She was active in the league of women voters.  She was someone who believed in her community, and loved her family (particularly my friend Laura).  She divorced in an age before divorce was completely socially acceptable, and continued to be a strong, independent, stable woman. 

When I think back of memories of her, it's always at her home.  Some years ago, she moved to a posh assisted living place in my home town.  But I remember her best in her home surrounded by books and papers.  There were quite a few books and papers (note the cook books in the left side of this background photo - there were quite a few of those as well).  I remember the rows of peonies in the back yard.  I remember that when she retired, she decided she could finally "grow her hair out". And she did.  And that she didn't want us to put tomatoes in the refrigerator - everything had to be done a certain way (which she admitted about herself).

Her kitchen circa 1994 - cluttered but clean

I remember wonderful conversations.

When I introduced her to my twins, she had thoughtfully surmised a game with spools of thread and a jug.  It takes a special kind of person to really think about the visitors you might have, what might interest them, and how you can entertain twin one year olds.

Sadly, she passed away last weekend after a brief illness.  I hadn't been up to visit her in a long time.  But I have wonderful memories of her and our conversations.  I'm glad she's out of pain, and I knew this day might happen.  She was an inspiration to me.

When I think about what kind of person I want to be in my 80s, I want to be like her.  She had a laugh and a wry grin like no one else.  This week I am filled with memories of her and her family. 

The Universe

Adler Planetarium clock

On our vacation, we visited the Adler Planetarium in Chicago.  It was an amazing experience.  I visited in grade school, but I didn't remember much from the experience. At the museum, my kids experienced jumping in weightlessness, and creating a crater.

I recommend the program "Welcome to the Universe".  It started out talking about our earth, and all the satellites that orbit our planet (showing their orbits).  It went from our solar system to the galaxy (the milky way), then to other galaxies and black holes.

The size of our universe is simply awe-inspiring.  At one point in the film, it went past hundreds (if not thousands) of galaxies, each as big as the milky way (or bigger).  All those galaxies, stars, planets - it is incomprehensible to me.  Not that it is forever incomprehensible to humans, just to me personally.  It's no wonder there are so many science fiction stories - it does provoke the imagination.

The Argument

I heard part of this program last night.  It was about the storage of nuclear waste in Germany.  A reporter was touring a nuclear waste storage site with two advocates.  

What was fascinating (to me), was that despite the fact the two advocates had never met before, they were discussing this contentious issue.  (And the discussion became heated - again, complete strangers before this conversation).  Each advocate (for the opposing side) understood and anticipated the other person's argument.

It reminded me of the sword fight scene in "The Princess Bride" - where Inigo Montoya and "the Dread Pirate Roberts" talk about the fighting moves they're using.

I realized - I've seen this before.  I see it all the time when people discuss mormonism on the internet (or elsewhere). I've read it in discussions between former and current mormons.  Two people who may or may not have access to the same sources - who may or may not be aware of all the sources.  Who (probably) disagree on the meanings of basic terms (like feminism).

At one point in the nuclear waste story, someone said "Your side has never admitted that they're wrong.  Name one thing that your side has admitted was wrong".

Are all controversial subjects like this?  When two side of people feel passionately about an issue?  Does it always devolve into always and never - rife with assumptions on both sides?

In the mormon/former mormon world, particularly on the internets - the answer is yes.

Being an adult sucks sometimes

When I was a teenager, I wanted nothing more than to be on my own, to make my own decisions.  At times, I am incredibly grateful to be an adult, in charge of when I go to sleep and what to eat.  I get to make my own rules.

Then there are months like this past month.  My son was at a day care provider; he attempted a cartwheel and hit his head.  He couldn't remember if he had blacked out or not. His direct quote was "everything was dark, I couldn't tell if my eyes were closed".  A large goose egg bruise was growing on his head.  It was late at night (around 10).

The last place I wanted to be was in the emergency room with him.  Not only because it was late, but also because of the expense with our current insurance.  So there was no one really to ask - it was my husband and my decisions.  I took him to the ER, my husband stayed home with our daughter.

My son is fine, no lasting damage.  He doesn't even have a bruise any longer.

___________________________________________________

M stretched out sleeping

And our cat M is declining rapidly. Last fall he lost half his body weight.  At first I thought he didn't like the cat food, but it was more than that.  We took him to the vet and ran tests.

He began eating soft food, but the tests showed liver disease.  The vet said usually when cats are sick, they stop eating.  So he was an anomaly.  Even the vet repeatedly called him an enigma.  It made me smile, he's always been an enigma and a cat unlike others. (He plays fetch, he's generally good-natured and social).

So other the past month, his health has further declined.  He hasn't lost more weight, but he scratches patches of fur from behind his ears and on his front paws.  He is a shade of yellow.  And he's been incontinent (which I won't go into here).  He also has thyroid problems.

This is another time it would be nice to have someone make this decision for me.  But it's all me - the buck stops here.  My husband and I can let his health continue to decline, listen to him meow (it sounds like crying) all day - or let him go.  We could spend thousands of dollars treating and diagnosing him, only to lose him after a great deal of pain.

So we've decided to let him go.  This sucks.  I'm angry and sad.  I knew this day was coming, but I didn't think it would happen like this.

The Subversive Nature of Emily Dickinson

I agree wholeheartedly with this Emily Dickinson poem.  If there is a God or Higher Power, I believe he/she/it/they would agree with this sentiment.

*I had a great hike this morning!

Part Two: Nature
LVII

SOME keep the Sabbath going to church;
I keep it staying at home,
With a bobolink for a chorister,
And an orchard for a dome.
Some keep the Sabbath in surplice;	5
I just wear my wings,
And instead of tolling the bell for church,
Our little sexton sings.
God preaches,—a noted clergyman,—
And the sermon is never long;	10
So instead of getting to heaven at last,
I ’m going all along!

My September 11th rememberance

All this week, npr has been running a series remembering Sept. 11th, how Americans have changed, honoring those who died.  

I was thinking about what I would like to remember, and what I want to convey about that day and the response. 

In the days and years that followed, the 11th of September has taken on mythical proportions.  I can respect and honor ceremony and ritual. 

Yet I believe there are key points for future generations to remember, things I don't hear very often.  For the record, I honor all those who lost their lives that day, in the days that followed because they were first responders, in the two ensuing wars; both military and civilian casualities.

There is a great episode of "Family Guy" where Lois is running for office.  You can find the video on youtube under "Lois runs for office".  She keeps trying to explain her position, which everyone ignores.  Yet then she starts saying "9 - 11" and everyone keeps applauding madly.   Americans might not have paid attention to these other parts of the world before, but it suddenly became unpatriotic to not display a flag*.  Or to be skeptical of what was being sold when politicians invoked "9-11".  It seemed like a disservice to everyone to use Sept. 11th to advance one's political agenda. 

So what's it all about? What does it mean?

I was shocked when I heard about the second plane.  I turned on the radio, and there was a discussion of coal mining until they broke into "morning edition" with the news. 

I listened to the coverage, but I kept working.  I checked websites, e-mail lists.  At my work, some people went home, some people dismissed employees early, but some of us shouldered on.

I don't think I was the only person.  I didn't work as hard as usual, but I didn't spend most of the day in the break room watching tv.  Some of my co-workers did, many people did, and that's okay.  I wasn't in New York or D.C.  I didn't directly know anyone who worked in the Pentagon or World Trade Center. 

And most importantly, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do here in the mid-west.  It was a very scary time, most people would have been listening to the news when we heard about the plane at the Pentagon, and the flight in Pennsylvania. We weren't sure when (or if) another attack would come.  Yet fear is not a great motivator for decision making, succumbing to fear helps no one.

Many people gave blood, money - I remember a theory that we should buy airline stock, since it would go down the first day the market re-opened. 

Simply put, I have a lot of respect who did what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences.  The people who did their jobs that day, those who went into burning buildings, who continue to fight in the wars, and those who support the troops. Also those who may support the troops but want to bring them home. 

Some of us refused to be swayed from our primary purpose; whatever that is, whatever that means.  We refused to spend more energy on what was happening in NY and our capital, that day, and in the weeks that followed. 

It's not that we don't "mourn with those who mourn"; but I know there is a lot of evil in the world.  There was evil before Hitler, before 2001, and evil still exists.  The United States is certainly not the only country attacked by terrorists.  We weren't the first, and we won't be the last either. If only that could be the case; if only saying it would make it so.  And some of us know that two wrongs don't make a right.

I believe it is just as important, to everyone's memory, to spend as much energy as necessary in a crisis. And that will be different for each person.  To continue to do what makes America great, what honors humanity.  We can mourn, participate in ceremony, but in the end, I believe not being dissuaded honors everyone.

I don't think there has to be one reaction, and I still don't believe there was a right or wrong reaction that day, or in the weeks that followed.  My point is, there was more than one reaction that day; there is more than one reaction to fear. 

*I really appreciated David Foster Wallace's take on what happened on September 11th.

What I'm Like

I spoke at my children's school a few weeks ago about my college experience to the middle and high school kids.  Things have been pretty hectic recently, and the format of the presentation kept changing.  At one point, it was going to be just me talking for twenty minute intervals for seventh graders through seniors.  Then I was going to be on a parent panel...

Anyway, I had an outline arranged, but I wanted to bring some visual aids.  So I found a yearbook (back when my college still had a yearbook) and some copies of the literary magazine.  The literary magazine had short stories and poems, but also had paintings and photographs. I think it is a great example of the art, poetry, fiction that were being created at my college.

Flipping through it, I noticed more than a few had paintings of nudes.  Back when I was in college, I either was oblivious to this or simply wasn't phased by it.

So of the six or so copies of the magazine, I found two which didn't immediately appear to have nudes or discernible nude paintings.  "Success!" I thought. Famous last words!

The panel went well, I talked about my history major and then computer science associate's degree.  I talked about how I was able to study abroad and the opportunities I had I might not have had at a larger traditional university. The other people on the panel talked about their journeys through school; how their plans had changed, but how they have ultimately done well in their careers because of their education.

About two thirds of the way through the students, I took a closer look at one of the magazines with a poem on the front cover.  The poem I hadn't read closely described a naked pregnant woman "with the seed of many men"; I would not necessarily consider it a fully obscene poem, but probably not completely appropriate.  Whoops.  The students found the "bad words" in the magazine as well (I hadn't checked for those, and really have a Kurt Vonnegut opinion about those anyway). 

Finally, they found a candid shot in the yearbook of two (of the more conservative guys) wearing nothing at all and covering themselves strategically with ping pong paddles.  I knew that given middle school and high school, they would look for the unfamiliar (inappropriate art, language, etc.).   

I've told a few friends this story (apologies if you've already heard it!). One friend reacted by saying "Aerin, that's so you". I was thinking about that statement.  Is that really like me, is this really a typical Aerin story? 

I think it is very common for me to do things on the fly, without fully thinking about them.  I am not the type of person to be stuck in decision making (ENFJ, just so you know). Another part of me is just not terribly hung up on details.  Whenever I'm asked that question in interviews, I hem and haw because while  I can be detailed oriented, I'm much more broadly focused.  I would much rather get things done than make sure they are perfect.  It's just who I am.

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So if the presentation had been just me, what I would have said would be, I worked really hard to go to college. I worked really hard while I was in college, and I also had a great time.  My senior year of college, my dad was unemployed and I worked two jobs to finish my degree.

I'm really glad I went.  Don't listen to the people in your life who tell you you can't go.  If you plan it out, if you research and make your decisions based on sound decision making (not where your friends are going, or friends of friends), you'll do fine. It is a great investment, and a good investment in yourself.  But just like anything, it's not right for everyone. 

too much

I swear, I was never a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, but it was on all the time during my years in college.  Hearing the songs from the mid-90s albums really takes me back.  The song Too much was on this album, Crash. 

A good friend pointed out to me that I tend to do too much, and then get sick.  And, what drive me even more bonkers is that it's true! 

There really appears to be a correlation there.  Perhaps it's that I'm not good at taking a break (at all), and that even when I set boundaries, I still feel guilty about saying no. sigh. 

My kids are missing the birthday party of a friend this weekend, and I feel guilty about that.  Even though we had plans, even though it's really okay when I think about it logically.

It is hard to be a mom, a wife, a friend, a family member and work full time.   Not to mention the things I want to do outside of my relationships.

Some days I feel like I have balance, and other times I just can't find it. I keep trying to prioritize, and some days that works. 

Fortunately, I just keep looking at what I'm doing, and think what can I let go of.  What can I stop doing.  And there are always things there. I keep thinking this adult thing, this mom thing will be effortless, that I'll be able to do everything I want to.  And it's just not possible.