The Purse

 I lost a purse when I was six, while I attended the ballet with my brownie troop. I remember this incident distinctly. My sister had made me the purse for Christmas.  I recall being very upset, I cried most of the car ride home. My Mom wasn't on the trip, so it would have been a friend's mom who would have tried to calm me down.

I remember being upset about the $5 I lost in the purse, but also because I was terrified that my sister would be upset and disappointed with me.  In the end, I don't think she was all that upset, I had over-reacted (remember, I was six!). 




Some months ago, I found this journal. It's been at the bottom of a box that I've carted from various locations.  My mother had diligently kept a journal for me (and my siblings, I think) from the time we were babies.  Journal writing is a big part of mormon culture, it's important to share your life with your descendants. 

I opened up the journal to an entry when I would have been the same age as my kids are now.  My Mom mentioned that I had received a purse from my sister for Christmas, and also duly noted that I had attended the ballet with my brownie troop.

The lost purse was notably absent.

My Mom would have written every month, or after a significant event.  She wrote in the first person, as if I were writing my thoughts.  But obviously part of my thoughts were censored, the purse incident was simply too upsetting or negative to be included. 

At this point, I sit in awe, that with four kids, she had the time to write.  She would have been in her late twenties, younger than I am now.

As hard as her life was, I can appreciate that she did try to show me what love she was able to. 

It was nice to be vindicated (I must not have ms-remembered the purse), but also to note the very real occurrence of "only the good news" alive and well in my family from that era.

writing on hands

I have a well-known poor memory for some things - particularly conversations and interactions. Also for people's names. I remember faces pretty well, but the names are sometimes lost. I come by it honestly.

(As an aside, I think genetics or something must play into this - some people seem to be better at different types of recollection. I don't often get lost, and I *do* typically remember birthdays; I did before social networking reminders. I have friends who are easily lost, but who remember conversations from years ago almost word for word).

Throughout high school and college, I would write things on my hand to remember them. Perhaps it wasn't the best way to remind myself, but it usually worked. And it was fairly common for teenagers who were my age - I was certainly not the only person who did that.

I wrote on my hand despite infrequent warnings from well-meaning teachers or other adults that I/we could get ink poisoning (is that even possible??).

I stopped writing on my hand at my first "real" job, where I felt I had to look more professional. And I've survived since that time. I wonder if teenagers still write on their hands? Everyone has blackberries now, text and e-mail alerts. So my guess is that they do not.

It's not terribly attractive or effective (if you wash your hands multiple times during the day, you have to re-write whatever phrase it was you needed to remember). And one would think something like "homework" would be a standing order.

Needless to say, there is a food pantry drive at work. I am 100% supportive of the food pantry. Due to the economy, a lot of people and families are hurting. I don't think charity should happen only at the holidays. I will observe, the reminders, e-mails and signs peppered throughout the building are a bit much. Adults are going to give, or they won't give.

Yet despite the multiple e-mail reminders, I kept forgetting to bring in my food donation. I had it planned out. I knew what we would donate. But somehow between getting ready for work in the morning and getting my coffee - it would slip my mind.

Friends, I seriously considered writing "food" on my hand to remember. Perhaps my forgetting was my sub-conscious reaction to any pressure to donate to a charity (I am not someone who responds well to pressure tactics - I'll respond the opposite way, most of the time).

The point is now moot, since I remembered to bring in the food donation this morning.

I was simply remembering when I used to write on my hand to remind myself of things. And grateful that I didn't have to stoop to that level this time.

Just because it wasn't your experience, doesn't mean it didn't happen

As I've mentioned in various places/posts/comments before, I'm very interested in the dynamic between self and other. It's so easy, as a person, as a community to identify with certain people (as the "self") and exclude other people as the "other". Identifying yourself as "the not x". X can stand for whatever identification/characteristic you would like.

Just because I go to a restaurant and have a good experience (food is prompt, service is the right mix of attentive, everything is clean) doesn't mean that someone else can't go to the same restaurant and have a really bad experience. Many factors separate each experience, not the least of which might be time and personnel. Was either experience invalid? No.

Each person can also have a completely different perception based on their socio-economic/familial background. I was amazed at the McDonald's in Moscow in the mid-90s. The attentiveness of the staff, the cleanliness was completely different than the McDonald's in my hometown. Part of that had to do with the pay scale (you could buy more in Russia, presumably, working at McDonald's) and part had to do with societal perception. Working at McDonald's was seen as a "good" job, whereas working as McDonald's in my hometown was something you attempted to avoid.

What I'm saying is, what seems like "good" service at a restaurant to one person is not good service to another. And the standards are wildly different depending on many various cultural factors.

Each perspective, each point of view may or may not be accurate. Each person should have to defend their perceptions, actions and reactions. Memory is notorious flimsy and subject to influence.

With that said, just because one person in a group experienced something at a certain time and place, and another person in that same group did not (at a different time and place) - doesn't mean that it didn't happen. It doesn't mean that it did happen either, or that offense was conscious and intended.

I'm talking here specifically about discrimination based on religious preferences, gender, race, education, etc.. And different actions (someone's comments at a cocktail party, an employee firing, a professor getting tenure) may or may not be due to discrimination. It may be personal. It might not be.

It's just fluid. And very, very difficult to pin down. I believe it's still worthwhile and important though.

If we keep the lines of communication open - we can work towards respect and understanding. We can work towards healing. If we offhandedly dismiss an experience, it does an injustice to that person, and may promote the discrimination. The reverse is also true, of course, that we can mistakenly identify discrimination when none was there. That's just as harmful - as it can create doubt and paranoia. My argument is simply that these issues are not black and white - there is a range of gray to understand each experience. Often I feel forced into one camp or the other, when in reality so much of life is lived in the grey.