Turning into one's parents

I was determined at sixteen not to turn into my parents.  That may have been a life goal of mine at the time.

So it's ironic some years later to realize various ways I'm turning into my parents (and admit it to my children and the internets).

- I don't order pizza delivery
It used to drive me nuts as a teenager that my parents wouldn't order pizza delivery.  I ordered pizza myself a few times as a teen.  But now - the cost of tipping the delivery person is just too much.  And it's not as if it's a lot of money.  For me, I am much more willing to drive to the pizza place and pick up pizza myself (bonus points for the frozen pizza they carry).  And when the weather is awful and I don't want to cook - I hate the idea of the pizza delivery person driving to my house.

- I have been putting meat in the freezer
My children's dad was shocked when we first moved in together that I would put bacon and sausage in the freezer.  He felt this was heresy.

But for me, now, I'm eating a lot less meat, and it could easily go bad.  So I'm putting it in the freezer, and defrosting what I need.

- I don't play the lottery
For me, playing the lottery always feels like burning money.  It must be how much I know about the math involved - it's more likely that I will be struck by lightening.  Not sure if my parents said this explicitly, but it was always implied.

One of my goals is to be frugal, not cheap.  I read about the cheap vs. frugal dynamic - being cheap is deliberately not spending money and not being concerned about quality.  Frugal is being conscious about spending money, and working towards quality.

The most important part (to my mind) is making conscious decisions.  I am consciously choosing these habits of my parents (which typically make logical sense). It would be foolish (and immature) to reject good ideas just because my parents did (or did not) choose them.  I think it's only natural that each person chooses to be like their parents in some ways, and chooses a different path in other ways.

The infamous $10 peaches

When I start driving to Utah and canning peaches, that's when it will be time to be concerned.

Trust and Money

Recently I read an editorial which stated that if you don't trust your spouse/partner with money, then you don't trust your spouse.

It's true that many couples have issues surrounding money.  Money is very important in our culture.  It is true that in our culture, people are more comfortable talking about sex than about money (their salaries).

When I read the quote above, I get the impression that one needs to have all money in common (in a couple), even asking permission from the other partner before spending money.  And perhaps that's a good goal for many couples.

I know money was a huge deal for my parents growing up.  With six kids and one working parent, there was never enough.  It was stressful.   At some point for parents, when money is really tight, you think about whether or not your child will get glasses, or you'll get something new for yourself. 

In my own marriage, we disagree about where to spend money sometimes.  My husband and I have different priorities.  There are things he values and will spend money on, and things I value that I will spend money on.  A simple example is lunch; I will often buy lunch.  Usually what I buy can be a little pricier - since I try to buy healthy, fresh food.  If I bought a hot dog from the gas station, it would be much cheaper.  But long term, for me, healthier is more important than less expensive. 

On top of navigating money issues when there isn't a lot of money, and with different priorities, there is also always the chance of things going wrong.  When my grandfather passed away in the 70s, my grandmother struggled for the first few months because nothing was in her name.  She couldn't get credit.  I haven't been able to talk with her about it, but it must have made the loss even that much more difficult. 

Other friends separate and divorce. As fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, it seems reasonable to at least consider the possibility.  If all money is in common, if all the retirement accounts are in common - it could be difficult separate them fairly.  That doesn't stop some divorcees from making poor financial decisions. 

So it's more complicated than just not trusting the other person in a relationship. 

I agree that it's important for each couple to be working towards common goals, and have common priorities.  I completely agree that couples should talk about money, and about all the emotional baggage that can go along with money.  But I'm not sure that it's advisable for all couples to always handle finances in the same way.  People are different.  Couples are different.  And more than anything, I think both partners should be financially solvent (where possible) and maintain credit. 

Food

Food has been an stressful thing for my family of origin. It's not the only stressful thing, but somehow it's up there in terms of conflict and stress.

I suppose I always knew this, but recently I've come to an increased awareness of it.  It should be simple, right? It's just food.  It's just money.

I think being aware of why things are the way they are, and accepting that - we can figure out how things can change (if they can change).

Money is where it started, as most things start with finances.  Growing up my Mom was responsible for grocery shopping and meal planning.  My Mom was a stay at home homemaker.  Money was very tight as our family kept growing on one income (four kids under the age of five, five kids under the age of eight).

Money spent on groceries must have been something my Mom could control. 

The other day, I was at the grocery store and I remembered that my Mom used to sort the food on the conveyor belt before checking out.  I was trying to figure out why she would do this.  (I would ask her why here in the present, but she would probably say she either doesn't remember doing that, or doesn't know why she did that.  So my impressions get to work for us both.)

I think she would group the crackers or vegetables together because later she would go through the receipt - line by line.  Making sure everything she bought was on the list and needed.  And probably checking the price to see how prices had gone up.

This would have happened only when she had energy.   I can't imagine how exhausting having so many young kids might be.  She also suffered from undiagnosed depression, which also would have impacted this process.

As a result, where corners could be cut, they were cut.  We never went hungry, and we always had "balanced" meals.  Not necessarily low sodium meals - lots of food from cans.

But if my Mom could buy stewed tomatoes for $.05 cents less than diced tomatoes, she would.  And she would drive to multiple stores to get the best prices. I do the same thing- but as an adult I'm aware of the cost of time, gas and other factors.  Is it really worth two gallons of gas (and the illusive environmental impact) to drive and save $.30 on a can of tomatoes?

So I think it had a lot to do with control, and with feeling successful about feeding our family.  I see commercials or tips for parents to save money on groceries - and I confess, a part of me cringes.  Saving money is a good thing. But there is a point where the quality of life suffers.  I am not saying that our quality of life suffered - but the goal is making the best tasting meals, that everyone likes, for the least amount of money - something's going to give. 
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Cooking is also a skill.  Just like painting a wall, writing a paper, fixing a vacuum cleaner.  Cooking is not a "natural" talent for everyone - just because a person is a certain gender, or has a certain ethnic identity doesn't mean they will be able to cook. And it's not just cooking - again - it's cooking on a strict budget, for eight people, with a variety of tastes. My Mom had (has) some dishes she makes very well.  And my Dad did cook some of the time. 

But no matter how she felt, my Mom made dinner, for all of us.  And sometimes she was more successful than other times. And going out to eat was way too expensive. Going out was rare - so rare that I remember heated disagreements with my siblings about where we would go.  Since going out was so elusive, you wanted to make sure you went somewhere you wanted to go. 

So as adults, we have all this baggage that informs discussions and gatherings around food.  And to top it off, now some of us have food allergies or other dietary needs.  Not that anyone should be blamed for developing food allergies - it's just another thing to try and consider that makes meals much more difficult.

And just like with any group of adults - some people don't care for certain types of ethnic food, or had a bad experience at a particular restaurant chain, etc.

It makes discussing and negotiating food issues difficult. 
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I visited my family earlier this month.  The visit went well.  I had been sick the week before, and May is a notoriously busy month for me.  I sent my Mom an email talking about potential plans, discussing what I would be willing to make.  I didn't explicitly say that I would get groceries while I was there (with whatever they might have in their pantry) but I was planning on it. And that's usually how the routine goes - I go out and get coffee each day while I'm there (my parents have a coffeemaker?  ha!).  And I get groceries to help out - and to have a bit of my own say/control.

I arrived at my parents' house, and find out that instead my parent's would make another dish (one that I hadn't particularly liked as a child.  Did I mention I was a picky eater??)

So I had a choice, at that point, to flip out (which I probably would have done twenty years ago) or to go with the flow.

I talked about it with my Mom later - not getting angry, just curious asking her what her thought process had been.  She had seen my e-mail, and immediately thought of a reason that the meal I suggested wouldn't work ( a food allergy that as far as I know no one has) but instead of talking with me about it she just decided to make something else. 

This is pretty classic behavior for my Mom, for the record. 

Throughout the conversation, I just felt good about being able to explain my request without getting angry and confrontational.  And to make a request that in the future, she and I need to be able to discuss this type of thing.

With that said, however, food in my family of origin is pretty much like a hole in the road - it's there and not going anywhere.  I get to decide how to react, and how to make sure my needs are met.  And let the rest go.

the prosperity gospel

It surprises me when I hear about people still trying to sell the prosperity gospel.  From my understanding, that means that if a person is faithful, they will be wealthy and have good health.

What strikes me about it is that one can't find much justification for it in the bible.  I'm fairly certain there is a scripture about a camel getting through the eye of a needle being as likely as a rich man getting into heaven.  To my mind, it illustrates that the bible can be interpreted to say or justify just about anything. 

It's not just the bible, of course.  I'm appalled by all the ideas attributed to former U.S. presidents that may or may not be true.   

Perhaps I'm expecting religion to be rational.  But I think of all the devout people I've known over the years, who were not wealthy.  At times, some of the faithful have suffered difficult, painful illnesses.  And children get very sick and sometimes die.  Is the suggestion that somehow a child has committed a grievous sin - that they have brought illness upon themselves? 


It's true that there are some very wealthy people who are also religious.  But their wealth seems to be unrelated to how faithful they are - other people are just as faithful and still poverty stricken.  I don't know that a person's wealth or  health can prove that they are more devout than other people. 

I think it does people an injustice to suggest that they brought catastrophic illness on themselves. 

Bad things happen to good people (see the book of Job).  I don't think that the equation adds up: if you are faithful, you'll have material wealth.

Paying the problems to go away...

I grew up in a majority Roman Catholic suburb. I didn't realize this until I got older - how many of my friends were active Catholics. It just never came up in conversation.

I remember around the age of 14 it was someone's idea (a youth leader? the mormon bishop??) to go door to door handing out books of mormon (who knows what the plural is) in one of the wealthier adjoining suburbs. The members of our ward were from around eight different suburbs in the surrounding area - the location selected was close to my parents home and actually close to my high school. Again, I think this was just a coincidence.

Caroling was actually a common activity - we would carol at nursing homes fairly regularly. So caroling and handing out books of mormon was not that unusual. At least, it didn't seem unusual to me at the time.

People who would answer the door had different reactions - as you might expect.

Yet the reaction that stands out in my mind was a gentleman who kept exclaiming "Great! Great!" and then "How much do you want"? He then got out his checkbook - trying to write us a check for whatever organization we were with. He also seemed sort of hyper - jumping around for some reason.

We had to explain, no, we're just here caroling and want to give you this "other testament of Christ". Later we all chuckled to ourselves - silly man! Thinking we only wanted money! No doubt there are random bands of Catholic high school students who roam suburbs asking for donations.

I just remember the distinct impression that he was trying to pay us to go away.

Also thinking - maybe my religion IS a little odd - and not odd in a good way.

To bring this back to the present, I do want to give our current president a chance, and our current congress a chance. I do believe we can find a solution that will work for our country - and do some good for the environment in the process.

There's just a small voice in the back of my head that remembers the wealthy man trying to pay problems to go away. Life is just not that simple sometimes.

money money money

I've never been good at budgeting. My parents had a pretty strict budget (out of necessity) growing up. My current philosphy is that we haven't had to really watch every penny so far, why start now?

With gas prices as they are, on one income, we have had to tighten our belts (so to speak). I'm not complaining about this, as I am well aware that we are very, very fortunate. We have health insurance and a steady income. We're not about to lose our home to foreclosure.

But I have news for the economists - I can feel the pinch of inflation. Again, since I don't budget/keep track, I couldn't tell you that a packet of noodles is now $.10 more. I can definitely say - money used to go farther. Our water bill has gone up $10 a month - they're putting in new sewers. It's not that we can't afford it - we just have to juggle. I can't imagine what we would do if we were on a fixed income.

Here are some of the things we have been doing (in the past few months) to save money:

-I've been drinking the free coffee at work.
(I can tell the difference. I don't like the taste. I should just give up my extra coffee, but I'd rather drink the not so great tasting coffee than none at all).

-We've been eating out less and cooking more.
(A lot less. We used to eat out (or order in) around once or twice per week. Although there are more dishes, cooking in is much cheaper).

-I bring my lunch to work
(Another thing that I really don't like to do. Particularly eat leftovers. Yet - even bringing some form of frozen dinner is cheaper than eating at my company's cafeteria OR getting a sandwich somewhere. Even two or three days per week).

-We're not driving to the fancy grocery store for higher end items
(We currently drive to lots of different grocery stores for different items. I get this straight from my parents who still go to three separate grocery stores. I'm not joking. Better deals/items at different places. We've been trying to consolidate. At one point, my brother in law wanted us to add a fourth grocery destination to get fair trade coffee. I'm all about fair trade coffee, but I wasn't about to add another trip. We found fair trade coffee at one of the other stops - so there you are).

-I'm coloring my hair at home
(I blogged about this here. Home hair dye kits have come a long way. I know that some people can tell the difference, and if I wanted to be a vice president in my company, I would probably care. But I don't. I wonder if I should mention that I save over $40 every six weeks or so this way??)

-We got rid of the home dvd delivery service
(It was great. It was nice while it lasted. Particularly because we could order kids dvds through the mail and not spend a ton of money on new dvd's. But even $10-15 per month adds up).

What we haven't given up (yet):

-cable/high speed internet
(I'm not in the throes of people who don't watch or own a tv. We watch tv. It's relaxing for me. We both still read and spend a lot of time on the internets.)

-the gym
(It's a luxury. It may end up on the chopping block soon. I just know that I feel better and healthier, and my kids still love the on site play group.)

-the newspaper
(Honestly, we could probably stop this. Like the home dvd service, it's not that expensive. But we do actually read the paper each day now that we have little ones. And it can be easier to read (and comprehend) than online.)