Class Reunion

Reunions are (were?) a cultural phenomenon.  Many movies have class reunions as their plot (Gross Point Blank, for example).

Recently I missed a significant class reunion for my college.  And I'm trying to figure out why.  I don't think I'm the only person who put the reunion on the back burner.  Our class missed the class news, we missed the official activities (no one wanted to volunteer).  I'm not sure how many people (from our class of 200) actually attended the reunion, but I suspect it was a low number.

When I graduated, I did think I would go to the reunions.  And I still might.

But I suspect that technology has greatly changed the landscape of reunions (much like everything else).

The point of going to reunions was to re-connect with people you had lost touch with.  To find out what they do with their lives, meet their spouse, see pictures of their kids.  In many of the books/movies/tv shows, a plot twist was to return to the reunion - having lost weight, had plastic surgery, made a million dollars.  I can't speak for any of my classmates, but I suspect that this was not a factor for missing the reunion.

And it's not that we didn't have a good experience, or remember friends fondly.  I think (can't speak for anyone else) that we did.  College was stressful and difficult, but it was transforming.

But the advent of social media has greatly changed this.  Now, I don't need to pay money for a hotel and transportation to find out what someone is doing - which couples are still together.  If I want to know, I can find them on facebook.  I can google them.  While there are some friends from college that I haven't reconnected with (or the holdouts who refuse to join facebook), there are a lot that have joined the site.  That I am already reconnected with (whatever connection through social media really means).  I can find out what they had for lunch.  I can find out who they will be voting for.  What enigmatic quote they are thinking of today.

So while I would love to have a weekend to spend with those friends (really, a weekend would be awesome) - I don't know that I value it like I would have without the social media presence.  Maybe it's that I've got young kids and travelling is expensive.  Maybe as the kids get older, it will be more of a possibility.  Maybe my college town is just depressing right now (it was always small, but now it's even more economically depressed).

Perhaps it's just the strange nature of the college that I went to, and the strange way we have of relating (or not relating) to one another.  Maybe I'm the only person still thinking about connections from college, when everyone else has moved on.  Maybe no one else wanted to coordinate a reunion (very possible) or be stuck holding the bag (also very possible).  Just something I've been thinking about.

Suicide

I was shocked and saddened to learn of the death of a friend/acquaintance from college.  We weren't close - we weren't even friends on a certain social networking site. I found out about his death through the alumni class notes (which should say a lot).  But at a small school with 1200 students, you pretty much know everyone, or know someone who knows them.  And we had friends in common.

I'm struck by two things.  First, I'm struck that he was really the last person (or one of the last people) I would have expected to suffer from severe depression and to take his own life*. 

So what does that say? Evidently just because you know someone's public persona (and you've debated philosophy with them once or twice) doesn't mean you know anything about their inner life - who they really are.

*Let me explain what I mean.  David Foster Wallace suffered from severe depression and wrote about it eloquently. I was saddened but not shocked by his death for that reason.  It may sound callous or crass to say, but that's my take.  When people suffer from a disease, it's not unexpected when you lose them to that disease.

So I return to - how much did I know anyone? The news had me wondering "WTF" all last week - I initially thought it was some sort of elaborate joke.

Second, I question my own perspective about my friends from college - many are all stuck in my mind permanently where we were fifteen years ago.  I've changed - a lot - but I keep expecting this nebulous "they" to remain just where they were. 

Sure, some people have gotten married (and divorced) and had kids - and I see lovely photos of their lives on fb. 

I don't know, this guy seemed so put together and successful.  I could have easily seen him running for office, a professor or successful businessman, just about anything.  Fifteen years ago, the future seemed wide open. 

Things change.  What the heck happened?

My husband says I have to get used to this, the first set of friends dying from 18 -25, the second set after 35.  I don't think the losses will ever not be shocking.


Finally - suicide in itself makes people sad and uncomfortable - we've changed from the 1960s where it was taboo to discuss...But even today - it does seem taboo to discuss.

Is there an Education Bubble?

I have read some theories about this, and I find I sympathize with them.

To be clear, I believe strongly in education and in an educated society.  I support education and higher education.

With that said, is there really enough demand for all the institutions that exist here in the U.S.?  Are there jobs for all the people attending these institutions?  There are state sponsored universities, private universities, liberal arts colleges, community colleges and online universities.  That's not including  technical schools (I'll get to that later).

I have read many people who claim the U.S. doesn't have enough talent, enough graduates for the next few decades.  I am skeptical of this claim.

I suspect if we looked closely at the data, we might see that it's not that we don't have enough institutions of higher learning.  It's that the free market of education is not working.  Ideally, people would go to schools and get an education in a field that was marketable.  They might learn critical thinking skills along the way.  The market would correct itself - to not have more majors than it needs, to not have more graduates than it needs.  It would not have more schools than needed.

I wish I could be an idealist about this.  But our society needs a wide range of disciplines to survive. Higher education is not the right fit for everyone, and not necessarily right for people between the ages of 18 - 22. 

It becomes a sacred cow of sorts.  By suggesting reforms to this system, it threatens many entrenched positions.  Fewer majors in philosphy mean fewer professors - less time to focus on research and publication.  Less prestige for everyone - students, parents, professors.  That was an argument that I read that I agree with.  High school teachers and counselors inspire students to go to the best school possible, sometimes the most expensive school possible.  Counselors at that school encourage students to stay in school, continue paying the high tuition costs.  Professors at that school encourage students to major in their discipline because they believe in the importance of their subject and because it makes their department seem successful.  This was my experience, and I think it's not an uncommon one.  Of course there are honest and realistic people along the way.  But the system isn't built to encourage realism, it's built to encourage idealism - that a person might hit the 5% chance of success.

Trade and technical schools must be a viable option. From what I've read, that's where a need is.  We don't need more history majors (speaking as a former history major), we need nurses, pharmacists and plumbers. Of course we need history majors as a society, but we need to have a successful mixture of all of these careers. 

Learning how to think is also very important. But at what cost?  Are we perpetuating stereotypes and unrealistic dreams? Are we teaching kids that after school ends they can't continue to learn and challenge themselves?

I may sound bitter, but I am still profoundly grateful to the graduate professor who laid out the facts for me in the 1990s about a graduate degree in Russian history.  I would have loved to get a PhD in Russian history, and I'm confident that I could have earned one. But I would be struggling under tens of thousands (perhaps more than a hundred thousand) dollars in debt.  There was a 5% chance that I could have succeeded, getting a job after graduation.  Five percent is not a great bet. 

Instead, I was able to find a field and career that is growing.  It fit my needs and abilities.  Again, it's not that the disciplines are not valuable.  It's that we don't need the number that are graduating in their specialty - they can't find work and everyone suffers.  How is that reasonable? 

The really gifted, talented people will always be needed, will always find work.  But it's disingenuous to imply that everyone can succeed in the current system.  It's not true.

Education used to be the ticket to the middle class, but no longer. 

So is there a bubble? There might be.  I think we may be due for some sort of market correction.  It's clear from some of the recent protests - students are realizing that what they were promised is no longer possible. 

What I'm Like

I spoke at my children's school a few weeks ago about my college experience to the middle and high school kids.  Things have been pretty hectic recently, and the format of the presentation kept changing.  At one point, it was going to be just me talking for twenty minute intervals for seventh graders through seniors.  Then I was going to be on a parent panel...

Anyway, I had an outline arranged, but I wanted to bring some visual aids.  So I found a yearbook (back when my college still had a yearbook) and some copies of the literary magazine.  The literary magazine had short stories and poems, but also had paintings and photographs. I think it is a great example of the art, poetry, fiction that were being created at my college.

Flipping through it, I noticed more than a few had paintings of nudes.  Back when I was in college, I either was oblivious to this or simply wasn't phased by it.

So of the six or so copies of the magazine, I found two which didn't immediately appear to have nudes or discernible nude paintings.  "Success!" I thought. Famous last words!

The panel went well, I talked about my history major and then computer science associate's degree.  I talked about how I was able to study abroad and the opportunities I had I might not have had at a larger traditional university. The other people on the panel talked about their journeys through school; how their plans had changed, but how they have ultimately done well in their careers because of their education.

About two thirds of the way through the students, I took a closer look at one of the magazines with a poem on the front cover.  The poem I hadn't read closely described a naked pregnant woman "with the seed of many men"; I would not necessarily consider it a fully obscene poem, but probably not completely appropriate.  Whoops.  The students found the "bad words" in the magazine as well (I hadn't checked for those, and really have a Kurt Vonnegut opinion about those anyway). 

Finally, they found a candid shot in the yearbook of two (of the more conservative guys) wearing nothing at all and covering themselves strategically with ping pong paddles.  I knew that given middle school and high school, they would look for the unfamiliar (inappropriate art, language, etc.).   

I've told a few friends this story (apologies if you've already heard it!). One friend reacted by saying "Aerin, that's so you". I was thinking about that statement.  Is that really like me, is this really a typical Aerin story? 

I think it is very common for me to do things on the fly, without fully thinking about them.  I am not the type of person to be stuck in decision making (ENFJ, just so you know). Another part of me is just not terribly hung up on details.  Whenever I'm asked that question in interviews, I hem and haw because while  I can be detailed oriented, I'm much more broadly focused.  I would much rather get things done than make sure they are perfect.  It's just who I am.

__________________________________________________
So if the presentation had been just me, what I would have said would be, I worked really hard to go to college. I worked really hard while I was in college, and I also had a great time.  My senior year of college, my dad was unemployed and I worked two jobs to finish my degree.

I'm really glad I went.  Don't listen to the people in your life who tell you you can't go.  If you plan it out, if you research and make your decisions based on sound decision making (not where your friends are going, or friends of friends), you'll do fine. It is a great investment, and a good investment in yourself.  But just like anything, it's not right for everyone. 

too much

I swear, I was never a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, but it was on all the time during my years in college.  Hearing the songs from the mid-90s albums really takes me back.  The song Too much was on this album, Crash. 

A good friend pointed out to me that I tend to do too much, and then get sick.  And, what drive me even more bonkers is that it's true! 

There really appears to be a correlation there.  Perhaps it's that I'm not good at taking a break (at all), and that even when I set boundaries, I still feel guilty about saying no. sigh. 

My kids are missing the birthday party of a friend this weekend, and I feel guilty about that.  Even though we had plans, even though it's really okay when I think about it logically.

It is hard to be a mom, a wife, a friend, a family member and work full time.   Not to mention the things I want to do outside of my relationships.

Some days I feel like I have balance, and other times I just can't find it. I keep trying to prioritize, and some days that works. 

Fortunately, I just keep looking at what I'm doing, and think what can I let go of.  What can I stop doing.  And there are always things there. I keep thinking this adult thing, this mom thing will be effortless, that I'll be able to do everything I want to.  And it's just not possible. 

Life is too short

I found out over the weekend that one of my friends had passed away.  She was in her early thirties; it was from complications from liver disease.  I considered her a friend, although we had grown apart.  As I've mentioned before, I'm pretty horrid at keeping up with people.  She and I weren't especially close, but I do feel her loss.  I feel for her family, her nieces and nephews, her husband. 

We were able to recently reconnect on a popular social networking site, and I was able to send her a message.  Which I am very grateful for. 

I'm just reminded (as I usually am at these times) about how short life is. 

Really, it is awfully, completely brief.  I say that to friends, and they sometimes look at me like I'm being morbid.  I'm not trying to be morbid. I'm trying to be realistic.

When people talk about "the grand scheme of things" - this is what I think of.  People who are taken too young. I think about my own mortality and what I want to do with my life, who I want to be.  I'm thinking of which values I want to live by, and whether or not I'm truly living that way.  And if I'm not doing what I really want to do, why not?

I wish my friend peace. 

writing on hands

I have a well-known poor memory for some things - particularly conversations and interactions. Also for people's names. I remember faces pretty well, but the names are sometimes lost. I come by it honestly.

(As an aside, I think genetics or something must play into this - some people seem to be better at different types of recollection. I don't often get lost, and I *do* typically remember birthdays; I did before social networking reminders. I have friends who are easily lost, but who remember conversations from years ago almost word for word).

Throughout high school and college, I would write things on my hand to remember them. Perhaps it wasn't the best way to remind myself, but it usually worked. And it was fairly common for teenagers who were my age - I was certainly not the only person who did that.

I wrote on my hand despite infrequent warnings from well-meaning teachers or other adults that I/we could get ink poisoning (is that even possible??).

I stopped writing on my hand at my first "real" job, where I felt I had to look more professional. And I've survived since that time. I wonder if teenagers still write on their hands? Everyone has blackberries now, text and e-mail alerts. So my guess is that they do not.

It's not terribly attractive or effective (if you wash your hands multiple times during the day, you have to re-write whatever phrase it was you needed to remember). And one would think something like "homework" would be a standing order.

Needless to say, there is a food pantry drive at work. I am 100% supportive of the food pantry. Due to the economy, a lot of people and families are hurting. I don't think charity should happen only at the holidays. I will observe, the reminders, e-mails and signs peppered throughout the building are a bit much. Adults are going to give, or they won't give.

Yet despite the multiple e-mail reminders, I kept forgetting to bring in my food donation. I had it planned out. I knew what we would donate. But somehow between getting ready for work in the morning and getting my coffee - it would slip my mind.

Friends, I seriously considered writing "food" on my hand to remember. Perhaps my forgetting was my sub-conscious reaction to any pressure to donate to a charity (I am not someone who responds well to pressure tactics - I'll respond the opposite way, most of the time).

The point is now moot, since I remembered to bring in the food donation this morning.

I was simply remembering when I used to write on my hand to remind myself of things. And grateful that I didn't have to stoop to that level this time.

excommunication

A college friend of mine observed that she had known that I had been raised mormon, but at the time she didn't think anything of that.

She mentioned she had thought it was another mainstream religion, much like the Presbyterians or the Methodists. I left mormonism before attending college, although my name was still officially on the LDS/mormon books.

And it is, of course, partially true. Partially because I believe mormons are sort of like mainstream Christian religions.

And partially because I didn't really want to talk about all that ways that mormonism is NOT like a mainstream Christian religion. And this is definitely a topic I could and still can discuss for hours on end. I will probably post more about that at another time.

I've spoken a little about my attitudes towards mormonism and my own experience here (one thing), here(Mitt Romney and mormon doctrine) and here (to each their own).

One of the ways that mormonism is NOT like mainstream Christian religions is that they excommunicate members for apostasy.

The practice is still alive and kicking, as it appears that my friend John from mind on fire may shortly be excommunicated.

The farther away from faithful mormonism I get, the more that I forget about this type of stuff.

But really - when is the LDS church going to realize that it's a bad idea to "fire" your voluntary members?

It's one thing to take this step when someone is a violent criminal or convicted felon. To request that if they are still an active part of the community - to reduce their activity to protect other members of the community.

It's quite another to request that someone leave a community simply because they're saying something you don't like. And they're not speaking hate speech. They're simply stating their point of view and their experience.

The reasons behind "firing" volunteers who say something you don't like is difficult to discern (and changes depending on who you are talking to). Supposedly, in John's case, he was revealing secrets that he had promised not to reveal.

Honestly, it's hard to imagine the Christ from the King James' Version of the bible acting this way.

From my understanding, Christ's message (i.e. the new commandment) was "love one another".

It really wasn't a message of "keep these secrets, or else".

His message was "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Now, whether or not I personally believe Christ was a historical figure is not a factor in this debate - simply that this is my interpretation of what he is quoted saying in the bible.

The theory is that by excommunicating dissidents, LDS church leaders are maintaining discipline within the church.

That sounds strikingly familiar to what happened to Galileo Galilei, who was excommunicated from the Roman Catholic church for suggesting that the earth was not the center of the universe.

This is an article from the pbs special on the mormons about excommunication (for my readers who weren't familiar with the process). This is the wikipedia article about the practice, with other religions noted.

Do I believe the LDS church has the right to excommunicate its members? Yes.

People also have the right to burn books, that doesn't mean I agree with the practice.

Do I think excommunication for free speech stays in line with Christian theory and theology (noted above)? No. Particularly when the free speech is simply vocalizing one's own opinions and experience.

Do I think organizations have a right to protect their trade secrets? Yes.

But again, I don't think this falls into line with the message of Christ from the bible. I'm not sure that Christ (as written in the KJV) would agree that keeping trade secrets are essential for salvation.

Or that keeping secrets are essential for someone to remain in a community or congregation.

And most importantly, that the church leaders could determine whether or not someone should be saved - or if they had sinned.

In the very least, he (Christ) is reported to have said:

(KJV Matthew chapter 7, verse 1 - from the Sermon on the Mount)
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and
then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s
eye.

My sympathy to John and his family through this process. I stand behind what I wrote that it takes courage and strength to live with integrity - whatever that means for my various readers.

Basic Skills

My Mom had some skills she wanted us to learn before we were adults. They were (in no particular order):

1 - Learn how to type
2 - Learn how to drive (and drive a manual transmission - stick shift)
3 - Learn how to swim
4 - Learn an instrument

So I've been thinking recently about which of these skills I want my children to learn.

I don't think the typing/keyboarding is going to be a problem for anyone from my children's generation.

I doubt the driving thing will be a problem either. I was so excited about learning to drive and getting my license (and the freedom that entailed). I took my driver's test the day after my sixteenth birthday. Now, my children might not feel the same excitement, but I get the feeling they might. The stick shift part may be more difficult, but still should be possible.

As my husband is a musician - I don't think the instrument will be an issue either.

I was thinking the other day that we needed to enroll my children in swimming lessons. We still might.

And then I realized - *I* could teach them to swim!

One of my sisters worked as a lifeguard at a local pool for years. She taught official lessons and private lessons. As long as I took one child at a time, I don't think it would actually be too difficult. I could still enroll them, and I might. But I don't think it would be out of the realm of my ability. Teaching simple things like, putting one's head under the water, blowing bubbles, kicking on the side of the pool, dead man's float.

Some of my other goals to teach my children (or make sure they learn before they leave my home):

1 - How to sew on a button
2 - How to change a tire and/or the oil on your car
3 - How to disagree without being disagreeable AND to say no gracefully
4 - How to (somewhat) manage your money (i.e., not spend it the day after you get it)
5 - How to read a map of a public transportation system (will this be necessary with GPS and blackberries?)
6 - How to make basic meals (how to cook) and do laundry (separate dark and light clothes)

My freshman year of college, one of my roommates shared that she had no idea how to boil water. I couldn't/can't imagine not being able to cook even the simplest of meals (boiled eggs or hot dogs). Other friends had no idea how to do laundry and waited for their parents to show up to get clean clothes. Now, I was at times almost TOO independent - but I think some of these skills are simply part of adulthood.

One can, of course, pay someone to change the oil on your car. But it's nice to be able to choose that, and to know you *could* change the oil yourself if you had to.

Education

I was able to tour a local public school yesterday, one that is built on the notion that different things inspire different children.

I'm looking at schools due to the fact that we will need to start applying for various programs in the fall - and making decisions next spring for that year.

I want to have as much information as possible before making a decision.

My parents felt very strongly about education (and still do). While we moved a lot when I was younger, they always tried to move somewhere with a good school district. Often that meant that my family was on the lower end of the socio-economic scale - but I learned a lot. I received scholarships and assistance to college, - and while my own work was a good part of that, the schools/teachers/community that prepared me ALSO had a great deal to do with my success.

The school I toured yesterday was awesome. I am proud that it is part of my community, and that such schools are supported. It is based around the idea that music, art, science and physical education are just as important as linguistics and mathematics. The focus is on projects and concepts, not on rote memorization.

Tests, of course, focus on the linguistic and mathematical skill (typically).

But just because someone can take a test, doesn't mean they can be successful.

At this school, some of the standardized test scores at this school are lower.

But I am still considering sending my twins there (if we can get in) simply because of the focus on different types of learning and development. I do know some people who did not do terribly well at writing essays or equations, but are tremendous artists, musicians or mechanics.

I firmly believe in this theory - and even can identify it in myself. I was much better at geometry than algebra. I can do algebra and memorize equations, but it doesn't come naturally to me.

My question is why all the schools in this country can't be more dynamic and flexible to the students' abilities and needs. I don't want to suggest that schools do not need to be accountable, nor that they don't need to teach the basics.

But the business of education should be about preparing good people, not good test takers.

College Memories

On a social networking site, a friend posted a note about favorite memories from college. One might think, given some of my rants here that I might not miss college, but strangely enough I do.

This was my response.

16. What is one of your fondest memories?
Hmph. I have so many, it's hard to start anywhere. I miss having daily or weekly conversations with so many people.

There were a handful of things I didn't love, but there was a ton that I miss on a regular basis. I miss the library. I miss the on campus coffee house. I miss dying fabric and walking everywhere. I miss waitressing and my husband's fraternity house. I miss my old apartment and specific people I lived with in that apartment (the subtext is that there are people I lived with whom I don't miss).

Most disturbing of all, I think I actually miss the computer lab(s).

Yeah. I think it's safe to say that I miss parts of my college experience.

We'll See How Brave You Are

"We'll see how brave you are
We'll see how fast you'll be running"

Yes Anastasia - Tori Amos

I was thinking of this song this morning, and the time in my life when that album (Under the Pink) helped me get through some difficult times. So many people either love Tori Amos or can't stand her, and that's fine.

I was thinking of some of the more difficult periods in my life. Despite how bleak things might have looked while I was living through those times, I realize now (with time) how much I learned about myself. Granted, I'm still relatively young, so I hope there will be many more learning experiences (without hoping for bad things to happen, simply acknowledging that some bad things will happen).

I also realized that usually the dark times were a prelude to some amazing experiences.

One of the darker times for me was the summer after I graduated from high school. Traditionally this can be a difficult time for people, for me it brought a great deal of confrontation and change with family and with friends. My parents realized that I was probably leaving mormonism for good. At least I think they finally admitted it to themselves. I fell into some relationships that weren't particularly healthy, but not
particularly unhealthy either. Because of those relationships - I learned a ton about myself.

I won't go into additional specifics - but I was able to move from a low period to going to college (and all that entailed). College wasn't always wine and roses, but most of the time, it was pretty d*mn good. I met so many amazing, intelligent people. And through the low periods, I had some very wise friends and adults that helped me gain perspective.

This is just what I've been musing on, recently. The concept that there is an ebb and flow to my life, and as things go up and down, they eventually work out as they are supposed to (for me). It may not be how I had expected - but things do work out.

There's a line I think is apt from "The Sound of Music" where the mother abbess says, "Every time God closes a door, he opens a window". Feel free to substitute your own belief in place of God - from science to nature to higher power, etc. and also the pronoun (he or she to it, etc.) It works for me - the idea that as things end, other
things begin.

I miss waitressing

Every so often, I think back to my days waiting tables my last year of college. I confess, some days I miss waiting tables.

Why, you ask, would an IT professional,someone who lives in cubicle land and (self-described) clicks on the computer all day want to return to a time of hectic physical labor?

Because it WAS rote physical labor, taking hot plates from the kitchen to the tables, checking up on that order I put in 20 minutes ago, carrying plates and drinks. Some nights I walked out with no money, less than minimum wage for the work I had done. Some nights I cut people off and they reacted with threats (one night in particular - getting cut off was not common). Some nights I watched as "regulars" fell trying to walk out of the bar. Or, I would find myself remembering at 3 in the morning that I had promised to bring an extra fork or set of napkins to a certain table. I admit, it's hard to miss sitting at the break table(s), next to my co-workers smoking as if this cigarette were their last.

Maybe it was just the right time in my life for that job. I was working feverishly on my senior thesis/project. Well, working feverishly and simultaneously avoiding the work. Also avoiding any real examination of what I was writing about.

Working, it wasn't about thought at all. It was about getting caught up in the moment, in some form of working meditation. Later, I realized that waiting tables was a game - a game that I was naturally good at. People came out to eat as an experience, not just to make more work for their servers (who knew?). I could figure out just the right mix of being available (with that drink refill) but not pesky. I could be aloof but pleasant. The game was - how much can I get this table to tip me? 15%? 20%? Of course, the former servers in the crowd could be depended on to tip well regardless. But it was still an interesting way to pass the time.

Maybe it was because I made just enough money for me to live on at the time. Maybe I just really liked the mix of people I worked with - from many socio-economic backgrounds. Some former alumni of my college who had decided to stay in my college town to keep working. Current students trying to juggle work and school. Some people who had to work - some from small towns thirty minutes away.

I think it was also the unique nature of the restaurant I worked at. Family owned, poorly managed, there were lots of work processes that made it possible to survive waitressing. In the time since then, when I waited tables, I would get stuck with two or three tables for a night. Great service for customers - difficult to make any money at all.

I can't say. Some days I miss knowing exactly which challenges I would face when working each day. Juggling the drinks for table 4 with the extra napkins and cleaning out the coffee pot.

Common Sense Advice for the Recent Graduate

With all the graduations recently, I have some free common sense advice. You can take it or leave it, this is just what I've found in the past years I've been in the working world.

Never Stop Learning

This seems like an obvious one. And something almost every graduation address I've ever heard mentions. But it is so important. You don't have to be assigned a book (or a paper) to read it. You can try new things and new technologies.

There is a reason the book "Who Moved My Cheese" is/was so wildly popular.

So, You Got a Degree. You're Still Not Better than Everyone Else

This also seems obvious. Yes, a degree is an awful lot of work, sleepless nights and deprivation.

I have met many intelligent people over the years without a college degree.

Some of my former managers haven't had that piece of paper. They have been competent and skilled. Some managers HAVE had a degree and didn't know much of anything.

A degree is important, but it's not the be all and end all of learning and education. I read a great article in the Chronicle of Higher Education about the bachelor's degree and its usefulness.

Many great Americans, writers and others never got degrees (think Abraham Lincoln). So don't let it get to your head.

Try Not to Work at the Same Place Your Significant Other Works At

This is my advice. Sometimes, if you own a small business, working together can't be helped.

There is something to be said for not putting all your eggs in one basket. That cliche is around for a reason.

Just the other day, at my work, one part of a couple was let go. It was sad and unfortunate. I've talked about it before, the industry has been having lots of issues recently and just hasn't been growing.

So, I wouldn't necessarily quit a job in the same place where my significant other worked, but I would be passing out my resume.

Which brings me to my next point:

Be Loyal, But Look out for Yourself

The company is not going to look out for you. It is very rare in this day and age. Don't think years of service will protect you. It's sad, but one of the facts of American capitalism.

If another opportunity comes along, think seriously about it. You just never know.

Loyalty has its place. Hard work is usually rewarded. But it's not the same model it was for my grandparents. If you work hard and don't complain, you're still not safe when the stock has plummeted.

Don't Put All Your Retirement Savings in Your Company's Stock

Again, another point you would think most people would get. Those that listen to NPR anyway. Or one would assume that after the fall of Enron, that people would also be wary.

But no, I still hear about people who have all their stock in one company. I'm not a licensed financial planner (far from it) but most people know that is very risky. Even for a sure thing.

What goes up, must come down. And there's no such thing as free money.

These seem like simple concepts but I'm surprised by how many people I've spoken to or heard of who struggle with them.

It's all about diversification.

Start Saving for Retirement Now

An older woman I worked with in my first out of college job gave me this advice. She said, "Aerin, I could be retired now if I had put $10 per paycheck in savings when I was your age". She was 68 and would be working for many years more.

It was a powerful statement. And, while money was/is tight, that $10 or $20 could be spared. Depending on your employer, they might just take that right out of your paycheck automatically. It's a great service. And as long as you haven't invested it all in your company's stock, you should be fine.

So, that's my unasked for advice. Still not bad things to consider, even if you follow a different path.

College

I went to a small liberal arts college of about 1000 students. It's not in the upper echelons of colleges - but it's not on the lower end either. I won't give its name (to prevent search engine hits) - but I had a great time there. I met my husband and made lifelong friends. I learned a great deal - both in and out of the classroom. I was able to study abroad in Russia for three months. I learned critical thinking/problem solving skills that have put me in a great place.

But I think that liberal arts colleges will have to take hard looks at themselves and some traditions in order to survive.

The vast majority of people I went to school with are either, 1 - not working in their field of study or 2 - had to go to grad school.

No one was able to get a well paying job straight out of college. And I did have friends who told me, at the time, that simply because of my liberal arts degree, I should be able to expect a job at a certain salary level.

They really had no idea what they were talking about.

This is all, of course, hearsay. And - the people who went to grad school seem to have found jobs. I'm not sure how they are doing financially, or how dry those first few years out of college/grad school were.

I know I've heard offhand that for every open history professor position at a college, there are over 400 - 4000 resumes. And that salary is under 30K for most colleges, if you're lucky. Who knows about insurance. Obviously, most college towns have a lower cost of living. But 30k is not a lot of money depending on how much you have in student loans (undergrad and grad).

And the cost of those small liberal arts colleges are going up. They have to put in networks, and then wireless networks. Soon I'm sure whatever infrastructure they put in will need to be replaced. Buildings need to be maintained. Inflation hits them as well.

I hope (for my college's sake) that they have better computer science classes now. But back from '94 - '98, they were still teaching C and FORTRAN. Not that C isn't a valuable language, but the idea that someone could take, say, a Java, Visual Basic or Microsoft networking class? Unheard of.

The selling point (for prospective students) is that with a liberal arts degree, you can be considered for any sort of job/career.

What they don't tell you is that it's really only if you have that graduate degree.

And yes, my degree has made a difference in my opportunities and salary. I've been fortunate. But I worked as an admin. assistant and waitressing right out of college. I worked as a waitress in college and also worked as an admin. assistant/temp. Sending out my resume - everyone looked at me and asked what kind of experience I had - if they even called back. I only ended up in my current field because I took more specialized computer science classes after college and the internet was booming.

I remember the silence in the carpool bus on the way home from a job fair our senior year. There were hundreds of companies in a large convention hall. So many of us had on suits and had updated copies of our resumes. This was ten years ago, but every booth was looking for biology, chemistry or computer science. History? Theater? English? Art? Nope.

So - for many students, the only immediate career option is teaching elementary or secondary. But education majors have incredibly strict requirements. And the traditional fields (History, Sociology, Philosophy) looked down on education majors -thinking anyone can teach!

Or, if you have that history major - you can always go to grad school!

All I'm saying is, liberal arts colleges are going to have to take a hard look at their students and what they are promising. It needs to be clear, up front, to students of certain majors what their career opportunities will be.

They need to know, of the past 10 years, how many majors have gone to grad school? How many have jobs in these fields? And - what will be the ability to find a position in the place you want to live - or did most people need to follow the jobs they wanted? And also - if you have student loans, this is how much you will pay, per month. And this is how much you will potentially make per month after college with this major.

No one really wants to do that. No one wants to discourage dreams. No one wants to ask those hard questions. Because, one out of ten or fifty might succeed. But it's not fair to the rest of us not to explain the risks.