It gets easier

Some weeks ago, I was talking with friends about what I would tell my younger self (late teens, early 20s). Variations of this meme have been around for awhile, the current iteration is what two words would you tell yourself.

I thought about what I would actually listen to from myself.  This is aside from giving my younger self good advice about drinking alcohol; drink lots of water, stay away from grain alcohol. (Really, stay away from grain alcohol and if not, be careful what you mix with grain alcohol). 

But there wasn't anything specific I could think of.  So many experiences, some painful ones I never want to re-live. But they made me who I am.  
 
So the two words I would tell myself would be focus (on) yourself.  Yes, the on is a third word - but critical. I have always been focused.  But for so long I was concerned about everyone else and what they were doing.  I paid attention to things that were out of my control.

It sounds like more of our narcissistic culture.  But truly, focusing on what I can control has been worth so much more.  I have so much more acceptance and satisfaction with who I am and with life.

Another thing I wish I'd known (now that I'm in my late 30s) is that life gets easier.  Who knew?

Of course some things never get easier (funerals, death) and I suspect they never will.

But getting things done, understanding my expectations, understanding what is likely to happen, routines, I get it now.  I am so much better at this stuff than I was straight out of college.

My body may not look like it did 20 years ago, but I'm coming to a place of acceptance with that.  It helps that I know that the media focuses on that very narrow perceptions of bodies and what they look like.  The majority of us are outside of that curve (the majority of women are not nineteen and a size 2).  While I understand this logically, I have yet to fully accept it emotionally.  And then I think about the standard that men have for attractiveness - men are not judged (as much) for how they look.

For the record, it makes sense that life gets more predictable as one ages. When you've had twenty additional years, those are twenty years to observe life and its patterns.  Life has a way of settling into patterns and routine.

Perhaps this is simply some sort of respite in parenthood between toddlerhood and raising teenagers.  But that's my take.  There are so many perceived negatives about aging, it would have been nice to know that there are some positives.

Life is Pretty Good

I talk a lot (here) about relationships, mental health and boundaries - because I think a lot about those things.  I don't feel a need to put on a false front here; to pretend that life is more rosy than it is.  Life has not always been easy for me or for those I love.  I don't have to impress anyone, or I don't mean to impress anyone with what I write here.

I don't really talk a lot about how good life is at the moment.  And even at the lowest points over the past few years, there are/have been parts of life that are very, very sweet. 

But life at the moment is pretty good.  I feel better and more grounded that I have in a long time.  It's not that I don't have challenges, I do.  But the more I figure out what I can control, and what I can't, the better off I have been.  And I've been more independent than I have been in a long time as well.  Being more independent was a goal of mine, so I have been setting (and meeting) my goals.

I'll give an example.  One of the drains in our basement was backed up, again.   So we called the plumber to clear it out.  Our home is around 60 years old, so this is par for the course.  I realized that I hate paying repair people and plumbers in particular. 

I've joked for a long time that I'm in the wrong career, that I should have gone into plumbing (it would be more lucrative).

And I realized this morning, as I was paying for the plumber to come out for the second time in three months,  I could take a home plumbing repair course.  I'm sure they're out there. 

I don't have to get upset or caught up in how much I'm paying for other people to repair my house.  I can work to learn how to do it myself. 

There are things I need to put up with, to accept - and there are things I can change. 

The notion is quite freeing. 

planning

A friend asked me last night if I had a plan - I think they were implying before I had kids.  But it was also an open ended question.

It's true, I did have some plans.  And I still do.  But life doesn't always go as planned.  Sometimes life kicks you on your ass.  Sometimes life goes better than planned.

For me, I think it's more of how you respond to the punches, respond to life and are still able to stay sane and enjoy yourself (and the world) that matters.   Being able to give back despite whatever may happen.

This must sound so cynical.  It must also sound ungrateful - although it's not.  I've been incredibly fortunate.  But one of the things I've learned over the years, life just doesn't always work as one wants it to.  It just doesn't.  And at some point, most people have to face that.  Parenthood is not a recipe.  Even being a person isn't a recipe - you can be a great person and do everything "right" and still struggle. 

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister

When one thinks of the cinderella fairy tale, I typically think of either the disney version, or this Caldecott award winning version.


Cinderella is good and sweet to everyone, despite being forced to labor for her wicked step-mother and step-sisters.

So Gregory MaGuire's version was quite refreshing - because the story was more complicated and the characters more complex than the stereotypes. I liked the novel more than Wicked, as it was more semi-based in reality (set during the tulip bulb mania in the Netherlands during the seventeenth century).

If you would like to read the novel and are not interested in spoilers, you may want to stop reading now.


***SPOILERS AHEAD****

One of the things I've been musing about recently is what motivates a person to change. I think "Confessions" does an excellent job of explaining when a person will change - and includes the prices that we pay for change.

I think a person will not change until he or she is completely ready to - until they can no longer "make it work". They choose to do something different only at the time when getting by stops working.

That's when a person will do something different - not usually before.

How this leads back to "Confessions" is that Clara, the Cinderella character, is in a deep depression over the death of her mother. She was raised to have certain privileges (some might say spoiled) - and she (Clara) can't deal with the changes or her own grief. Her father is unresponsive and won't defend his daughter against the tyranny of her (new) step-mother. The reader has sympathy for her/Clara (I have sympathy for her) - but then she becomes a martyr of sorts - choosing to spend her time in the kitchen and in the "cinders".

In the sense of - I'm not going to try and make my life (or my family's life) better, I'm going to sit here and feel sorry for myself.

Now, to some extent, Clara has lots of reason to feel sorry for herself, and she is in a tenuous position. And there is a time to mourn and really acknowledge one's feelings. I'm not trying to diminish that.

Where the change comes into account is when the step sister hero (Iris) talks Clara into going to the ball/party - which Clara initially doesn't want to do. She doesn't want to change, she doesn't want her situation to get any better - despite the fact the family is going broke. At least, in misery, in martyrdom, she knows what will happen. She has the illusion of control over the situation.

And she (Clara) has the ability to change every one's fate (including her own), by entering into a so-called good marriage. For whatever reason, after this conversation, Clara decides that she is willing to help herself - to leave that situation. To make things better - even though whatever she is going into may not be the ideal.

And in the end, it's clear that it's not "happily ever after", Clara has simply made the choice to step into adulthood, support those she loves and live how she can.

I just think it's interesting to think about (and study) how we hold ourselves back, how we make excuses about why we don't want to change or think of things differently. Why we don't want to examine new information or try out new ways of doing things/relating to others. Why we can't accept the bad things that have happened to us - the bad situations that we're in, and try to make them better.

Life isn't as simple as black or white - good or evil.

I appreciate art/fiction that goes into the gray - the space between black and white. I've found much of life is gray. There (usually) aren't good and bad choices, there are just choices. And everyone has to make them.

A Distinctive Lack of Drama

Believe it or not, dear readers, I am experiencing a distinctive LACK of drama in my life recently. It's really very nice and a definite change of pace.

Things are pretty steady. For anyone who knows me, this is a very odd place for me to be in.

I admit there is a part of me that wants to shake things up - to cause drama, to make life more interesting in my personal relationships. (Those buttons are just so easy to push!!)

To focus on something else aside from myself and my own journey.

But the realist in me works hard at just enjoying what I have today, enjoying the peace I currently have and realize that this too shall pass.

And in the midst of it all, life happens

I have been planning to write a little about how odd life can be.

And how I believe some things happen for a reason, but that reason doesn't have to be due to God. Or to have an opportunity to share the gospel or strengthen my testimony. Maybe just to learn something about myself, how I respond a situation. Perhaps to appreciate life more - what I have.

With that said, it's hard to say that some tragedies happen for a reason - some are just devastating to a person and family.

But, in the same vein, not everything happens for a reason - like when my car was totaled a week after I bought a brand new tire. $100 - used for a week - no real reason (that I can surmise) for that. (This was eight years ago, but I'm still a little perplexed by it. Sometimes it's clear that shit just happens).

Yet - life has been kicking my ass lately. Not in a bad way - it's just hectic. I think my son has pink eye. His eye looked a little pink, but I decided to try and possibly take him to the local storytime anyway. On the way, we stopped by the pharmacy. I asked the pharmacists what they thought - and in the florescent light - I realized, yup, that looks like goop on my son's eye. He's completely contagious. The pharmacist agreed that we would probably need to take him to the doctor.

So - I get to drive my son home, instead of to the library. He's really upset and disappointed. How do you explain to a two and a half year old that they are sick, contagious and will get other people sick? It's a difficult concept to master - when my son is thinking - I want to go out, play with the puzzles at the library and listen to stories. It's what we do on Thursday nights.

And my new job is going great - but is really taking up a lot of time. So - much less time to blog - which could be a good thing I think. By the time I get home, possibly go to the gym, the kids get to bed, miscellaneous chores are completed - I'm ready to pass out.