People *can* change

Or, at least, our perspective can change.

I've written about this before, at least about changing opinions due to new information.

But I've found it works the other way as well.

A few years ago, a woman I work with really upset me. She chewed me out - at least she spoke harshly to me. I admit, I had partially screwed up. But her rebuke still got under my skin. I felt a mixture of embarrassment and righteous indignation. I didn't feel I needed to confront her about it (since I had sort of screwed up after all), and I just figured maybe she had a bad day or something.

When I found out her office was going to be moved closer to mine, I was wary. But I kept an open mind. And so far, she and I have gotten along just fine. I have a deeper appreciation for her. She doesn't read this blog, as far as I know. We're not best friends (and we don't need to be), but we respect one another.

People make mistakes, or at least they have rough edges. And I believe, contrary to popular belief, some people can change. We can't necessarily expect them to change, sometimes we have to confront them or request things, but it's not true that your first impression of someone or a situation is always the right/true one.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day. Her wise observation was that just because someone holds a distasteful (to me) belief, doesn't mean they always will, or that they can't change that belief.




I'm certainly not saying that all people can change, as some things don't change.

Some aspects of a personality may never change, and it may not be fair to ask a person to change a core part of themselves. Or to assume that they are capable of changing. Asking someone to not be depressed, for example, or to not read (if they are a voracious reader) is probably not helpful. But just because I drink coffee each morning today, doesn't mean I will for the rest of my life. Or if I find out information that coffee is incredibly unhealthy for me, I might choose to stop drinking it.

It's finding that balance, of what you can put up with in another person/relationship, and what you can't abide that's the trick. To figure out what you can accept and letting the rest go.

I've found peace in personally accepting that people and relationships are a work in progress. To believe otherwise is to miss out on quite a lot.

letting go

I talked about letting go a little here.

I just have to say, there is so much that I let go of on a daily basis. I let go of situations I can't change or impact. When I start worrying, dwelling or arguing about a situation/belief - that's when I remember - oh yeah - I gotta let this one go.

I let go so I have time and energy to appreciate what I do have.

I stop trying to figure out why some things are the way they are.

I'm not severing ties with some of these relationships or situations, but I am taking a step back.

There is a ton of beauty out there. I'm glad I'm able to appreciate it.

PS. I can sit back and try and figure out - why didn't I get this before now? There isn't an answer to that...I can just be grateful that I figured it out with lots of help from various friends, writers, etc.

Tam Lin

The power of myth and fairy tales in our culture is pretty apparent. Myth and fairy tales are not real, of course, and have subtle (or not so subtle) narratives about how we should act. It's important to recognize just what place the myth should have in our life. Just as the princess in the tower doesn't exist, neither does the knight on a white horse or happily ever after. Now, I am someone who appreciates escapist literature as much as the next person - it just has to be tempered with reality.

One of the fairy tales I've been thinking about recently is Tam Lin. There's a synopsis here . The heroine (hero) is tasked with saving her love from being taken away forever by the fairies. (These fairies are tricky, they are not the disney version). He tells her how to tell him when he passes, and that the fairies will try to turn him into all manner of animals to force her to let him go. If she holds on to him, no matter what he turns into, he'll be able to go free.

What's interesting about this to me personally, is that I feel in our culture we have so much that we are encouraged to hold onto, no matter what. Yet we are also given mixed messages, because just as we're supposed to hold on as tightly as we can, there are some things convential wisdom tells us to let go of. Addicts, for example. It puts us in a bind. As family, friends, spouses and children - we're supposed to hold on no matter what. And we're promised that in the end, the person will be okay, they will be themselves and they will be "ours".

On the flip side, there are many societal lines. We're supposed to leave addicts and alcoholics. Those who treat us badly. A person is told "why would you put up with that?" And why would a person put themselves through h*ll?

I submit that through fairy tales like Tam Lin, that's exactly what society is telling our children to do.

I am working, consciously, on letting go. Of a lot of things, not just relationships in my life. Not necessarily letting go of the relationships, but letting go of my attitudes towards them. It's complicated to explain. I have my power in relationships, and others also have power.

Letting go of my expectations, and putting my energy into things I can actually change. Remembering that I'm only one person, and have responsibilities to myself and others. Again - this is not something that we're told.

There is no fairy tale about a woman who decides to let her love go to the fairies rather than hold on and lose herself.