The Purse

 I lost a purse when I was six, while I attended the ballet with my brownie troop. I remember this incident distinctly. My sister had made me the purse for Christmas.  I recall being very upset, I cried most of the car ride home. My Mom wasn't on the trip, so it would have been a friend's mom who would have tried to calm me down.

I remember being upset about the $5 I lost in the purse, but also because I was terrified that my sister would be upset and disappointed with me.  In the end, I don't think she was all that upset, I had over-reacted (remember, I was six!). 




Some months ago, I found this journal. It's been at the bottom of a box that I've carted from various locations.  My mother had diligently kept a journal for me (and my siblings, I think) from the time we were babies.  Journal writing is a big part of mormon culture, it's important to share your life with your descendants. 

I opened up the journal to an entry when I would have been the same age as my kids are now.  My Mom mentioned that I had received a purse from my sister for Christmas, and also duly noted that I had attended the ballet with my brownie troop.

The lost purse was notably absent.

My Mom would have written every month, or after a significant event.  She wrote in the first person, as if I were writing my thoughts.  But obviously part of my thoughts were censored, the purse incident was simply too upsetting or negative to be included. 

At this point, I sit in awe, that with four kids, she had the time to write.  She would have been in her late twenties, younger than I am now.

As hard as her life was, I can appreciate that she did try to show me what love she was able to. 

It was nice to be vindicated (I must not have ms-remembered the purse), but also to note the very real occurrence of "only the good news" alive and well in my family from that era.

Human Being 101

To move on from venting and not allowing people to make missteps here...

I don't often go into mormon/LDS stuff or related stuff here.

One of the things I never really learned growing up was how to take care of my self. (to put myself and my needs first). Not in an arrogant, egotistical way, but setting basic boundaries and enforcing them. I don't think this is solely an LDS thing, but mormonism certainly didn't help some of the time.

A great example of this (taking care of myself or NOT taking care of myself) was when I was in high school and going to early morning seminary.

For those who haven't heard me complain about this (in person) or who weren't aware of this torture for teenage LDS high school folk, early morning seminary is a daily church class BEFORE high school starts. So typically, an LDS high school person (outside of Utah, where it's a part of the school day) has to wake up around 5:30 and rush around to drive to this church class before 6 a.m.

I don't know about anyone else here, but unless you are an extreme morning person, this is not an easy task. Oh, and if you have a paper route (like my cousin had), you would have to wake up even earlier.

The stated purpose of this is for young mormons to start their day out the right way - to study the bible and LDS scriptures.

So, now that you have the background, I was thinking of the cold wintry morning I shut my finger in my front door as I was rushing to get to seminary. My carpool was waiting (my parents traded with another local family to drive us). What's interesting to me is after I shut my finger in the door, while my fingernail was turning blue and purple (and it hurt), I didn't go back inside my home.

Looking back on it, I try to figure out why.

My first instinct was that I was late and that I was making these friends of my family wait. Partially, I didn't want to be teased for breaking a nail ("you're just weak!"). Trust me, if you've never had a nail fall off, it can be painful. Overall, at the time, I was also getting all sorts of messages (from friends, family, teachers, etc.) about seminary attendance, how important it was, yadda, yadda.

I can't remember if I went to the nurses' office when I got to school? Or got a band-aid from a well-meaning fellow seminary member or my teacher? Whatever happened, my fingernail healed, I made it through my school day.

I bring this up because this is something I'm re-learning - that I'm watching about my own reactions. I hit my fingernail today (the same finger), thankfully not breaking the nail and remembered this experience.

Now I acknowledge that my first instinct (to not inconvenience others) may be wrong. That I may need to go back in and skip the church class one morning. That I may need to tell someone to wait (just as I would give them time if they slammed their finger in the door).

Other people might wonder - how is this possible? This is human being 101, right?

You would think so, but no, it's not. Not necessarily.

Acceptance

Asking why is not always useful.

That's my thought for today. Specifically, why someone may suffer from a specific disease/illness. Genetic research might help, but in the end, for some things there is just not an easy answer.

I've talked before about the illusion of choice here, how there were all sorts of things that were pre-determined for me before I was born. And then the community I grew up in, the schools I went to, experiences I've had. All have shaped my attitudes and how I got to this exact place.

It must be acceptance - the notion of accepting things I have no control over (like my genetics). This can be very difficult for a person. But I believe once we accept certain things, like having high cholesterol or suffering from depression; we can begin to move on.

I've talked about comparing relationship and life decisions to poker hands before here. **

There is a reason that the phrase " the luck of the draw" exists. Some people get a "good"/workable set of cards and others don't. That's just life.

A person can spend all their energy trying to figure out why they were dealt certain set of cards. But at some point, all any of us can do is to accept what is and move on. It's saying "I'm at point x. So what can I do with what I have?"

For some people, it takes longer than others.

**The amusing thing is, when the cards have played out, the jack/nine I had didn't work. It was almost a hand of three three's instead. But I'm still employed two years later, which is what matters.

The Past Informing the Present

As an amateur historian, I find the study of the past fascinating. But the question - how do we let the past inform the present is an incredibly difficult one. I've found it has to be a balance. We have to be aware of the past to shape our understanding and current decisions. But we can't assume that the past will always predict (without error)what may happen in the future.

I've found this to be a sticking point both for interpersonal relationships and larger
political/international issues or conflicts. An adult can't act solely in a vacuum - they have to be concerned with safety. This includes personal safety. On the other hand, a person can assume there will be pitfalls at every turn - when there may not be. Or that some sort of pre-emptive strike/confrontation is necessary - when it may not be needed.

If we assume no one will ever change, and no situations will ever be bettered - what hope is there? Where does that leave everyone? There are all sorts of possibilities to life, each day. From technology to cures for diseases. New understandings and perspective. I talk a little about my take on victimhood here.

I'm not advocating unreasonable hope here. I'm not even advocating a person should turn the other cheek seven by seventy times. There are all sorts of factors that come into play in every situation - from what a new president will really be able to do to conflicts in the middle east to be-friending someone on a social networking site.

I'm also not suggesting that there will always be miracles - that things will solve
themselves without work either. Sticking your fingers in your ears and singing "la, la, la - I don't see you" isn't always going to work (in fact, it probably won't work. I've tried).

What I'm saying is, humans take risks, each day. Nothing is sure - except change, death and taxes. Everything else is fluid. Life is not simple - I've learned that much in my short time on earth. These issues are not simple. If they were simple - things would actually be pretty boring. There always seems to be a "yes, but..." to many statements.

I just have faith and hope that things will end up how they are supposed to end up.
I do the best I can every day. I try to improve situations that can be bettered - with regard to my own health and safety (and respecting other people's boundaries). This year, I'm going to try and take risks, each day. The risk may just be a small step of recycling my diet coke cans - but I'll try to take it just the same.

But I'm also realistic - many situations don't change, many people don't change - and human nature will probably remain the same - throughout my lifetime.

So - how have things changed over time for you? Has your understanding of things changed? Are there things with simpler solutions than you thought? Where do you think the past should stand in predicting yours (or others or geopolitical) behavior?