Suicide

I was shocked and saddened to learn of the death of a friend/acquaintance from college.  We weren't close - we weren't even friends on a certain social networking site. I found out about his death through the alumni class notes (which should say a lot).  But at a small school with 1200 students, you pretty much know everyone, or know someone who knows them.  And we had friends in common.

I'm struck by two things.  First, I'm struck that he was really the last person (or one of the last people) I would have expected to suffer from severe depression and to take his own life*. 

So what does that say? Evidently just because you know someone's public persona (and you've debated philosophy with them once or twice) doesn't mean you know anything about their inner life - who they really are.

*Let me explain what I mean.  David Foster Wallace suffered from severe depression and wrote about it eloquently. I was saddened but not shocked by his death for that reason.  It may sound callous or crass to say, but that's my take.  When people suffer from a disease, it's not unexpected when you lose them to that disease.

So I return to - how much did I know anyone? The news had me wondering "WTF" all last week - I initially thought it was some sort of elaborate joke.

Second, I question my own perspective about my friends from college - many are all stuck in my mind permanently where we were fifteen years ago.  I've changed - a lot - but I keep expecting this nebulous "they" to remain just where they were. 

Sure, some people have gotten married (and divorced) and had kids - and I see lovely photos of their lives on fb. 

I don't know, this guy seemed so put together and successful.  I could have easily seen him running for office, a professor or successful businessman, just about anything.  Fifteen years ago, the future seemed wide open. 

Things change.  What the heck happened?

My husband says I have to get used to this, the first set of friends dying from 18 -25, the second set after 35.  I don't think the losses will ever not be shocking.


Finally - suicide in itself makes people sad and uncomfortable - we've changed from the 1960s where it was taboo to discuss...But even today - it does seem taboo to discuss.

I Don't Want To Talk About It

Some may wonder why I would be interested in a book about male depression. 

Simply put, depression impacts everyone.  The argument Terence Real makes in this book is that covert depression affects men, and wreaks havoc on their families.  This is different from the traditional model of depression - where a person is not able to sleep, eat, work or function normally.  Real's theory is that anger, workaholism and abuse of substances like alcohol in some men is generally related to depression.  That sometimes depression in men doesn't fit the traditional "bell jar" model, but it can be just as damaging to everyone. 

For some, anger is expressed towards oneself (depression has often been described as internalized anger).  The author gives examples from his own practice and therapy groups (anonymous of course). Traditionally, the only acceptable emotion for men has been anger. 

Real talks about how many parts of American culture are designed to cut men off from their feelings, from appearing weak or feminine.  He mentions the passive trauma that many boys (but in my opinion, many children) face.  That this "passive trauma" can long term be just as damaging and can sew the seeds of adult depression. Real gives examples of his father's explosive anger and physical abuse, teachers watching as a boy is bullied each day for being "fat", kids who ignore a coach who punches a student. 

Boys are often told to "be a man" - but what does that mean, really?
It is weighted and treacherous subject matter.

I have long thought strict gender roles hurt everyone - men and women.  In this book, Real suggest that the socialization of men can be just as damaging as it can be to women.  That men often need to gain access to their feelings, being more relational to develop better relationships - with themselves, their spouses and children. 

He is suggesting that by addressing the covert depression in men - the whole person can be healed. That parts of the cycle of violence can be broken*.  That often, men will not seek therapy or help for themselves, but to not be the same person as their father was.  It's not that

I mentioned "pansy crap" earlier.  This was mentioned in a comment at MSP a few months ago; I can't find it at the moment. 

There is a ton of anger, suspicion and fear towards men talking about their feelings.  It's almost explosive - talk about a problem-with-no-name in American culture.  Comments like "pansy crap" are meant to dismiss men, their perceptions and feelings.  (The ultimate insult for a man is still to be like a woman).  And while men may deny their anger and fear - their families and children can suffer. 

Until the base assumptions are addresses, and men and women are allowed to explore their full potential and authenticity - we will make no progress as a culture.

*One case study in the book talked about his wife's feelings first, her disappointments, fears, etc.  The notion of carried feeling - children trying to make their parent's mistakes right - struck a little close to home for me.  What am I trying to do because it's right for me? What am I trying to do to heal, fix of change my parents....yikes.