My September 11th rememberance

All this week, npr has been running a series remembering Sept. 11th, how Americans have changed, honoring those who died.  

I was thinking about what I would like to remember, and what I want to convey about that day and the response. 

In the days and years that followed, the 11th of September has taken on mythical proportions.  I can respect and honor ceremony and ritual. 

Yet I believe there are key points for future generations to remember, things I don't hear very often.  For the record, I honor all those who lost their lives that day, in the days that followed because they were first responders, in the two ensuing wars; both military and civilian casualities.

There is a great episode of "Family Guy" where Lois is running for office.  You can find the video on youtube under "Lois runs for office".  She keeps trying to explain her position, which everyone ignores.  Yet then she starts saying "9 - 11" and everyone keeps applauding madly.   Americans might not have paid attention to these other parts of the world before, but it suddenly became unpatriotic to not display a flag*.  Or to be skeptical of what was being sold when politicians invoked "9-11".  It seemed like a disservice to everyone to use Sept. 11th to advance one's political agenda. 

So what's it all about? What does it mean?

I was shocked when I heard about the second plane.  I turned on the radio, and there was a discussion of coal mining until they broke into "morning edition" with the news. 

I listened to the coverage, but I kept working.  I checked websites, e-mail lists.  At my work, some people went home, some people dismissed employees early, but some of us shouldered on.

I don't think I was the only person.  I didn't work as hard as usual, but I didn't spend most of the day in the break room watching tv.  Some of my co-workers did, many people did, and that's okay.  I wasn't in New York or D.C.  I didn't directly know anyone who worked in the Pentagon or World Trade Center. 

And most importantly, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do here in the mid-west.  It was a very scary time, most people would have been listening to the news when we heard about the plane at the Pentagon, and the flight in Pennsylvania. We weren't sure when (or if) another attack would come.  Yet fear is not a great motivator for decision making, succumbing to fear helps no one.

Many people gave blood, money - I remember a theory that we should buy airline stock, since it would go down the first day the market re-opened. 

Simply put, I have a lot of respect who did what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences.  The people who did their jobs that day, those who went into burning buildings, who continue to fight in the wars, and those who support the troops. Also those who may support the troops but want to bring them home. 

Some of us refused to be swayed from our primary purpose; whatever that is, whatever that means.  We refused to spend more energy on what was happening in NY and our capital, that day, and in the weeks that followed. 

It's not that we don't "mourn with those who mourn"; but I know there is a lot of evil in the world.  There was evil before Hitler, before 2001, and evil still exists.  The United States is certainly not the only country attacked by terrorists.  We weren't the first, and we won't be the last either. If only that could be the case; if only saying it would make it so.  And some of us know that two wrongs don't make a right.

I believe it is just as important, to everyone's memory, to spend as much energy as necessary in a crisis. And that will be different for each person.  To continue to do what makes America great, what honors humanity.  We can mourn, participate in ceremony, but in the end, I believe not being dissuaded honors everyone.

I don't think there has to be one reaction, and I still don't believe there was a right or wrong reaction that day, or in the weeks that followed.  My point is, there was more than one reaction that day; there is more than one reaction to fear. 

*I really appreciated David Foster Wallace's take on what happened on September 11th.

Nothing to say

So, it is actually quite rare for me not to have an opinion on something - or to not have something to say. The other day, I tried to think of something I did not have a pro or negative opinion about, and I really can't think of anything. Maybe breath mints. I am not sure I have a pro or con opinion on breath mints. But that's about it.

I actually have quite a few topics on my list to blog about. Bed rest, Edgar Lee Masters, my current book club selection and sexism in the 60s, changing one's mind, growing apart friendships, my stunning lack of tact, etc.

But at this very moment, I just feel like blogging about anything would be flippant.

As I've mentioned before, some events are just way too much for me to deal with emotionally. One of those events would be the horrific tragedy yesterday in VA.

But there's not much I can say about that event. Except to have a short personal moment of silence.

I'm not sure what moments of silence mean - but typically they help me to focus and to think about what happened. I feel they are a means of honor - honoring the people who we've lost, honoring the family members and friends who have lost loved ones.

As I mentioned here, I'm still searching for why bad things happen, why evil exists. I don't think I'll ever have an answer.

Still searching for why

Every year around this time, I think about evil and the nature of evil. In other words, why bad things happen. I do feel there are truly evil things in this world. Or - people capable of committing evil deeds. There's not much that falls into this category.

Some religions take mundane things and call them evil. Things like drinking coffee or playing poker are roped into evil along with truly evil things. I'm speaking of murder or r_ape.

For myself, it's difficult to make sense of why people do evil things.

What can I say? Here are the facts.

Someone I grew up with is responsible for an act of evil. I don't know a great deal about the case - other than she was found to suffer from severe mental illness. This evil was done to another human being (not myself).

My theory is that it was due to being forced to live a double life and in denial.

By all mormon definitions, what happened should have never happened. Her parents were temple married. She was blessed, baptized, etc. She had all her ducks in a row. She attended all her meetings - we traveled to the mormon temple together for baptisms for the dead for gawd's sake.

Why evil exists is the subject of religion and philosphers. Whether or not it even truly exists is also debated. I don't seem to feel any cognitive dissonance about being agnostic and believing in evil. Most people will agree that some things are just wrong.

I can't pretend to understand the mental state this person was in. Did they know they were wrong?

And yet I find myself googling their name, family name eight years later. Trying to find out more information about what exactly happened. How was this person I went to sleepovers with capable of this horror?

I need to accept that I will never understand what she did or why.