Flowers in British Columbia

mystery yellow flower 2015

Recently I had the privilege of travelling to Vancouver.  It is breathtakingly beautiful there.    

Blue hydrangea 2015

Stanley Park rose

Stanley Park Rose (Orange)

Tree growing out of granite

Thriving

Rose bush 2014

I received this rose bush as a gift, a few years ago. I wasn't sure if it would survive, if I had enough time to take care of a rose (on top of everything else).

It turns out I did.

And it survived this past winter, which my lavender bush did not.

I wasn't sure that it would weather being re-planted and moving to a new place. But it hasn't just survived (as the saying goes) it's thrived.

My husband and I recently announced our separation and pending divorce.  I don't want to go into all the reasons for what happened.  It's between the two of us.  It was not an easy decision, we are both responsible, and we both tried really, really hard to make our marriage work.

It just wasn't to be.

As I mentioned in my fb status update, we are committed to putting the kids first and making the transition as easy as possible for them. And so far, both he and I have really been successful in that.  I've known too many divorces/separations that haven't been that way, so I am incredibly grateful.

And it has been hard, despite how amicable everything has been.

I have also received an amazing amount of support from family and friends, which is humbling (and makes me tear up sometimes when I think about it). It appears that some of the stigma of divorce is fading (thank goodness) and that our culture is changing.

I don't know what the future will hold.  I do know that so much of my life appears to be unexpected.  But it also has pleasant surprises - and gifts I didn't expect.

Eleven Years in the Same Location

It was incredibly surreal for me when I realized that I had lived in this house eleven years, longer than any other home growing up.  We moved around a lot - back to Utah for my Dad to go to grad school - to various jobs.  My parents have lived in their current home for longer, but I haven't lived with them.

My Mom would call it the family wanderlust - every two or three years men in my Dad's family would have the urge to move.  It's hard to say what really was going on there. Job loss, better opportunities - in my experience, I think mormon families do tend to move around a great deal.  There is a built in social safety net of sorts, so a person doesn't have to worry about trying to find the best doctor or babysitter after moving (ward members will probably know).  Whenever my siblings were born, it was a fellow ward member who would come over to our house so my Dad could be at the hospital.  We didn't need to live in the same town as grandparents or extended family.

I've almost lived in this current city more than where I grew up - which is also odd.  I have no intention of changing cities anytime soon - I like my job and my kids are in relatively good schools.  I feel a strong sense of community here.

I must have some of the wanderlust my Mom spoke of, however, because I am still interested in moving (at some point) to a smaller location.  That's not the way it's supposed to work.  You're supposed to buy a house before having kids, and stay in a house and maintain it (including the lawn).  It's part of the American dream.  It's the investment you're support to grow old on.  It's like going to certain vacation destinations with your kids.  It's tradition.

But I don't want to spend all my time maintaining a home.  I don't mind gardening.  There are many "volunteer" flowers that come up every year.

But with the house (and yard) - I feel like I'm always behind the eight ball.  There is always a mountain of things to do, clean, sort, weed.  My sister said I should consider paying someone to do some of that for me, and she has a point.  But I don't want to pay someone to do those things for me, I want a smaller space so I can do it myself.  Much like this post - it's discovering that what everyone else wants for me or thinks I should want, I don't necessarily want for myself.

Gardener

This is not a label I would have given myself.

I do a surprising amount of homemaker things, despite not being a full-time homemaker.  I bake, knit, cook and garden.  Yet I refuse to can (or raise chickens).

My parents observed this about me on a recent visit. They said I was their "gardener" daughter.  I was a bit taken aback. There are other differences between me and my siblings.  Fortunately, gardener is a positive label, and not related to the fact that I'm their only child with offspring.

Tomato plants in the front yard of my old house

In comparison with my apartment dwelling siblings, I suppose I am a gardener.  I've had tomato plants most years.  Tomato plants are notoriously easy.  When we purchased our current home, it was winter and I didn't realize what I was getting into in terms of yard work.  The previous owner obviously loved gardening.  I've posted photos of the lillies, magnolia tree, persimmon tree, cherry tree.  She also planted raspberry bushes.

For some things (like the raspberry bushes), it's just a matter of weeding.  Our back yard is a step away from returning to midwestern forests. 

I took the observation from my parents as a compliment.  I don't know that it's something I'll do for the rest of my life, but for now, it fits.

Early Spring

Narcissus

I picked up a forcing bulb kit over the holiday season.

The flowers are a delight - especially considering the snow and ice outside. This is a photo of them in the windowsill.  The process was very easy - so easy I might try it again next year.

Seasons

This is the Eastern Red bud tree in our backyard, through the seasons.  We have seasons here, which is a nice part of living in the midwest.

Winter

Spring

Summer

Fall

Where I'm at

Life is interesting.

I'm not ignoring the blogging world, and I haven't lost interest (yet).

Honestly, I'm simply busier than I have been in awhile. I had some time (and unfettered access) to the internet, and now that appears to have subsided due to various internet filters.

I'm fortunate to be where I am, still employed, attempting to keep up with various blogs/sites on my phone. But reading on one's phone is not the same (for me yet) as reading on a proper screen. I am adjusting.

And yes, I also know I'm fortunate as hell to have a phone where I can still read some of what I like to keep tabs on.

Frankly, that's where I'm at, at the moment. Reminded of how much I have to be grateful for (quite a lot) but also some nagging distracting things that I would love to vent about.

In the end, however, life is still pretty sweet - despite the drought recently.

There has, in fact, been a physical drought where I live - I should post a photo of the lawn that hasn't been mowed in two months. The not mowing is great - the allergies and parched landscape are not so great. And so it goes, right?

hiatus

It's been a crazy couple of weeks - and soon I will be heading out on vacation with two little ones!  We've never flown together before, so this should be interesting. I have lots of topics I'm thinking about, just haven't had the time to really focus on them.  So here are some poppies from my front yard. 

Spring and Situational Depression

So I was going to write a post on situational depression - how it happens and how I believe it's real and how it doesn't necessarily degrade the notion of clinical depression.  I wasn't sure that it was really mentioned in the  recent series on depression. 

For the record, I'm talking about the type of depression where one has recently lost a loved one, lost a job, went through a divorce or is in a stressful situation.  In addition to therapy and medication, making changes to one's situation can be important as well.  Sometimes I feel like that's heresy to some people, but that's my belief.  PS.  It appears that wry may agree with me!  So I must be right. ;)

I decided I wasn't interested in writing a long post about that.  What works for some people doesn't/won't work for others.  In the end, people will reach the point where they realize they can't manage their own lives and change.  Or they won't. 

I will say, I have found personally, making changes to my situation(s) and perspective has greatly helped me. 

Spring is definitely here, however.  I was thinking we would get another snowfall - but it's March 19th and no snow yet!  Yay!

Each year during the winter I keep thinking that my kids are watching too much television and too many movies - then, it never fails, the weather warms up and we migrate outside. 

I'm not sure if these two thoughts are related or not.  Perhaps they are more related than one would think.

Sowing one's wild oats

***gross out warning for people who are easily grossed out***

This morning as I walked into the kitchen, I noticed it was a bit breezy.  Due to the time change, I was feeling even less "with it" than usual - so it didn't completely register.  Later, I noticed that at least one of the cats had thrown up, and thrown up grass. 

Our cats became indoor cats when we moved to the house we live in now. Our street is just a bit busier; and cats are supposed to live longer when they are indoors all the time.  Our cats do not agree with this arrangement. 

In the summer months, one of our cats will stand up with both paws on the screen door and whine.  Some days I think he really thinks he's a dog, or at least, not a cat.

So as soon as I saw the grass this morning, I knew what had happened.  Because it's what inevitably happens when the cats go outside.  They sneak out, and they eat some of the plants from our yard.  Then, the plants don't sit well with them and they get sick. 

It's a pretty consistent cycle.

I wish that they were more in tune with their needs and consequences of their actions.  They *are* cats, however, so my expectations might be too high.

The only vague moral to this post is just that sometimes we think we really want something, but no matter how much we want it, the truth is- it may still make us sick.  The wanting doesn't make it easier to digest in the end. 

Sweet Gum Tree

aka the Liquidambar Styraciflua

We don't have this type of tree in our front yard.  I have sympathy for anyone who does.

I love the spiked fruit from this tree.  I haven't been able to get inside the barbs, however.  The article claims they have one to two seeds inside.

Random flowers

I'm still taking photos of random flowers. It's the beauty (or curse, depending on who you talk to) of digital cameras.

First up we have these blue flowers:




Ever wonder about those combination wildflower seed packets? These are what grew from one of such packets in our yard.

Next up we have these pink flowers:

The great story about these is that they were a gift to my mother in law for mother's day from my father in law's church. She knew my daughter would prefer them and that they might survive in our garden. She was right (surprisingly) - it's now September and they are still going strong.

For the record, I heard about a church that started donating all the money for mother's day that they would have spent on flowers to a women's shelter. I think it was a wonderful idea. Tradition and ceremony have their place. But there are also quite a few people who could be helped on a holiday like mother's day.

Then a rose from one day we went to the zoo:


Finally, a zinnia from a botanical garden:

Rhubarb

My father in law loves rhubarb. If you haven't had rhubarb before, it looks like celery, but tastes very tangy and a little sweet. *

We have two rhubarb plants in our garden. This year, due to all the rain) the rhubarb is thriving and has stayed alive longer than usual (usually rhubarb is done around July).

This is one of the recipes I found from an Mennonite cookbook. A Wooden Spoon Baking Memoir by Marilyn Moore

Rhubarb Crisp
Crumb crust:
1 1/2 cups flour
1 cup granulated sugar
8 Tbsp. butter

Filling:
4 cups sliced rhubarb
1 pkg. strawberry gelatin

1. Pre-heat oven to 375 degrees F
2. Prepare crumb crust mixing flour and sugar. (I recommend using a Cuisinart if you have one.) Cut in butter.
3. Place one half of the crumb crust in an 8 x 8 x 2 baking dish. Pat into an even layer.
4. Prepare filling. Spread rhubarb slices over crumb layer. Sprinkle gelatin powder over rhubarb.
5. Sprinkle remaining crumb crust evenly.
6. Bake 45 minutes or until crust is brown and filling is bubbly. Cool.

This recipe works well with vanilla ice cream!

*PS. You can eat rhubarb raw but I don't recommend it. It tastes much better baked in pies, crisps and in jam or jelly.

On vacation

I'm on vacation and it's lovely.

Some flowers from a garden hike:

More flowers:

At the beach:

lillies

These are in our backyard:

Tulips

The tulips have bloomed in our front yard.



I love that every year they come back without prodding. This is my kind of gardening!

What I Want

(This is a photo of the magnolias in our front yard that have recently bloomed).

SML (aka Sister Mary Lisa) blogged about something similar recently here. It's strange how people can live such different lives, but have some things in common. What she wrote about being a leaf floating in a river resonated with me. Particularly the notion of allowing the current to direct me instead of making my own decisions.

I think many former mormon women, or just people in general may find themselves in this position. Not a mid-life crisis, but being told (for years) that you should want something, or want to be something - and realizing you can actually question where you are. And whether or not that path works for you.

I'm not sure how I got here exactly. Many of my friends have been open about their own paths or journeys, so I wonder if I'm merely jumping on the bandwagon.

Yet I don't really feel that way. I think it's perfectly healthy to start looking at one's life and assess what's been done so far. And to think about the future (what might yet be possible).

My two are becoming more independent every day. Soon, my husband will go back to work (wherever that may be).

And I have made some choices to better focus on myself instead of paying attention to how everyone else is living their lives (and, of course, how *I* think they should be living their lives). As I step back, I realize how dysfunctional that was/is. How limiting for everyone involved (particularly me).

It wasn't conscious, and it was the way I was raised.

I honestly thought that's what everyone did - and how everyone lived. What a breath of fresh air to realize that so much is none of my business - except when someone else's behavior affects me.

With that space, I get to figure out what I want to do and where I want to spend my resources. No longer do I feel obligated to all the other people in my life, to solve their problems or to do things to make them happy (in order to make me happy). Of course I have responsibilities, to my kids, my husband, others. I'm just creating a space where I can figure out what I want - instead of what everyone else wants from me.

And I've long assumed that by making everyone else happy, that would make me happy.

All of this psychobabble basically means, I'm being conscious of where I'm spending my time and asking myself what I'm getting out of interactions. I'm not starting from scratch, I can't imagine where I would be if I had never quit anything. If I hadn't allowed my self to do some assessment. (if I had never confronted myself or other people about anything).

I'll give an example. I thought for a long time that I wanted to go back to school, eventually and get my master's or PhD. Being in IT, I realize that I will have to continue my education and take additional courses. I'm quite comfortable with that. But I realized that if I thought about it, I wasn't really thinking of getting another degree for me. I really wanted one of my grandmothers to be able to brag about another grandchild with professional degree.

I step back and think? Wow - that's really messed up. Logically, it wasn't a conscious decision. But when I start looking at so many things with that lens (am I searching for approval? Or doing something because I want to...) a great deal falls away.

This isn't a quick process. Some of the people in my life already seem to know exactly what they want. Some seem to want very tangible things - or at the very least, semi-tangible. A new computer. To travel to x country or state. To start a family. I think that's great.

I know I'm already doing a lot, and will continue to do what I'm doing.

It's simply exciting to step back and say - okay, here are the cards I've been dealt. And I get to decide what to do with them. And hopefully, I have some time before the last hand to make my choices.

Yard work

I swear I did not have children so they could help me out with yard work.

But it is a nice bonus!

I was outside raking leaves in our back yard the other evening. We had raked in the front yard last fall. For whatever reason (no doubt illness, time and energy) we ignored the back yard. So, some leaves are still there and can be raked.

My kids had a great time raking and jumping in the leaves. They also helped with the bagging (which can be the worst part). At one point, my daughter had her ballerina doll lifting up handfuls of leaves. Not the most efficient way - but I wasn't arguing!

It's a win for the entire family.

Somehow I get the feeling this will not be so easy ten years from now. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

Unknown vine

The woman who owned this house before us was an obvious gardener. There are many varieties of lillies and other surprises throughout the backyard. Just recently, we discovered raspberries on one side of the house.

I have researched it - this vine is NOT kudzu. Thank goodness.




This one is a little blurry - I'm still working on the flower photography!


It is pretty and smells wonderful. It has taken over the fence on two sides of our yard. It is dormant throughout the winter, but turns green in springtime. It flowers in August.

I looked at clematis and jasmine. I don't think it fits either of those species. For the time being, I'll just appreciate its maintenance free beauty.

Our yard

Our herb garden. Note the oregano in the upper right hand corner - it's taken over the garden. It did survive the winter - I'm not sure why it's thriving, but it is.



We have a ton of these - black eyed susans. The person who lived here before us was a true gardener - each year many "volunteers" grow in our backyard.



Here's a close up of one.




And this, dear readers - is where lightening struck our home a few weeks ago. There was a strong storm that woke me up (which is VERY rare). It felt like the storm was right on top of us. A few weeks later, my husband pointed this out - it wouldn't surprise me that lightening had struck us.