Showing up

"Why don't you come on back to the war, let's all get even"

-Leonard Cohen

Being heard has been a defining motivator in my life.  As a mother in her forties, I find it bemusing how invisible I am. 

Yet being invisible has its advantages.  Much can be done when others are not paying attention.

I'm breaking my radio/blog silence because I can't quit you; this is my way of being heard.  Even if only a handful of friends hear me. 

The proof is in the pudding, as they say.  Speaking and listening matter, but in the end, it's the actions that speak for themselves. 

I am determined that my legacy be one of showing up.  I show up to things I value.  And when I can't show up (usually due to finances, or being the mom of twins), I want the people I love to know that I'm there in spirit.

People can throw around all sorts of ideas.  Who wins.  Why they win. Who's right and who's wrong.  In the end, respect is apparent, no matter what is said. 

Respect is showing up.  Love is doing the dishes, voting, marching.  Respect is learning and being open to learning.  Being willing to be wrong.

Words matter.  But in the end, what one does matters more than what one says. 

too much

I swear, I was never a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, but it was on all the time during my years in college.  Hearing the songs from the mid-90s albums really takes me back.  The song Too much was on this album, Crash. 

A good friend pointed out to me that I tend to do too much, and then get sick.  And, what drive me even more bonkers is that it's true! 

There really appears to be a correlation there.  Perhaps it's that I'm not good at taking a break (at all), and that even when I set boundaries, I still feel guilty about saying no. sigh. 

My kids are missing the birthday party of a friend this weekend, and I feel guilty about that.  Even though we had plans, even though it's really okay when I think about it logically.

It is hard to be a mom, a wife, a friend, a family member and work full time.   Not to mention the things I want to do outside of my relationships.

Some days I feel like I have balance, and other times I just can't find it. I keep trying to prioritize, and some days that works. 

Fortunately, I just keep looking at what I'm doing, and think what can I let go of.  What can I stop doing.  And there are always things there. I keep thinking this adult thing, this mom thing will be effortless, that I'll be able to do everything I want to.  And it's just not possible. 

Time Constraints, Blogging and Miscellany

Recently I've been engaging in introspection about this blog; what I want to say, what I want to say publicly. Not that I ever had much of a filter.  But now I have some fairly legitimate constraints on my time, including handwriting (on paper) potential blog entries.  Note the attached example. 

handwritten post

I am not near a computer during the time when I have a moment to think about what to write.  Or near a personal computer.  So pen and paper it is, how I learned to write and turn in papers.  The time impact is a more significant filter of sorts; I've never intended to have a theme blog; writing primarily about working in IT, being a mom, being a former mormon woman, politics, boundaries and mental health issues, relationships, living in the midwest, etc.

So I'm navel-gazing, setting goals and prioritizing.  I appreciate my handful of readers who have stuck with this blog over the years.  Before time became a constraint, I'd always write about what I felt like, without thinking too hard about it.  I refuse to spend too much time analyzing my purpose here.


All this is to say, you'll probably see very similar content from me, only less often.  There is still quite a lot going on in my life, just not so much that I have the time and inclination to discuss here.  I know I'm friends with some of my long term readers on a certain social networking site (despite it's popularity, I refuse to promote it, it can pay for that itself ).   I'm always happy to chat about what's going on, specifics that I'm not comfortable sharing here.  This is an open invite to that social networking site, by the way.  

Here are some posts I thought about writing and haven't had the chance to.  

Zinnia from the garden

*This Zinnia I grew from a seed
*The recipe for a Greek salad that I make
*Going swimming with my kids
*Cleaning my house to the Book of Mormon musical
*Up in the Air, the book vs. the movie (I preferred the book, hands down)
*Still love Sinead O'Connor
*Discussing shaving my head with my kids (they were not amused)

Always

Through the past few days I've been listening to this song from "Songs in the Key of Life" by Stevie Wonder.  There may be some religious overtones - but I appreciate the message of love. 

As
As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love's the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I'll be loving you always
As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I'll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky---ALWAYS
Until the ocean covers every mountain high---ALWAYS
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea---ALWAYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I'll be loving you always
As today I know I'm living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear
For I'll know deep in my mind
The love of me I've left behind Cause I'll be loving you always 

Women in the music business

It's no secret that I listen to npr often.  I heard this great interview with singer/songwriter Jackie DeShannon on Fresh Air the other day. 

I was going to forward the link to chanson, because every so often I hear interviews or book reviews I think she might be interested in.  (No doubt she looks at them and thinks "Man, another link from aerin??" ).   She's posted some of these on the "Sunday in Outer Blogness" weekly review on Main Street Plaza.  Which leads me to start a "links I would have sent to chanson" topic. 

Why let chanson have all the fun?  Why not send the npr links and interviews to all the cranberry blog readers?

The excerpts (on the webpage) miss some of the interesting parts of the interview.  Jackie DeShannon is being inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame.  She toured with the Beatles and wrote some hits like "Bette Davis Eyes". 

What I perked up at was when Jackie spoke about being a female songwriter in the early 60s.  It sounds like it was pretty difficult at the time.  In the studio, women were (rarely) allowed to be arrangers, or to have the final say on the work. 

She also performed her songs on some of the early 60s showcase tv shows.  And instead of being able to hold and play her guitar, she was expected to lip sync and dance.  (Some of the videos are on youtube).

The music industry has changed, thankfully, over the past few decades.  Some good changes, some not so worthwhile changes.  But clearly barriers surronding what women could and could not do have changed.  And women now have greater creative control over their own work. Women can be taken seriously as singers/performers - and not be expected to be pop stars.

It was an interesting interview, and gave me lots to think about. How far we've come, and how far we have to go. 

No Hippie Chick

Back in the early 90s, there was a resurgence of 60s fashion.  It was a type of new hippie culture (because everything comes back in again eventually).  It was related to grunge, but distinctly different.  It involved lots of patchouli, some lava lamps, long flowy skirts, beads, etc. 

Much to the chagrin (amusement??) of most of my friends (now), I was part of this movement back in the day.  My then boyfriend and I waited in line outside a cd/record shop for tickets to a Grateful Dead show.  This was back when all members of the Grateful Dead were still alive (to show my age).  I confess, I'm not sure that I was such a fan of the Grateful Dead, but he was.  And we were attached at the hip back in the day - so naturally we would go together.  There were (are) some songs I liked, and I did like some of the calico type fabrics and tie dye. 

For the record, all of this was stone cold sober.

Don't ask. 

(I remember a conversation about Deadheads with him, about how the "true" fans weren't about the drinking or drugs. What can I say, I was young - and the culture was pretty far from mormon culture - even, arguably, the antithesis of mormon culture).

He and I used to hang out at a great little local shop.  They sold (and made) beads. They sold lava lamps, essential oils and Grateful Dead/Phish stickers.  Bumper stickers with roses, skeltons, etc.  It was run by two women, friends,moms - who had been big Deadheads from the 60s.

(This is a photo of me from the time.  I look so angry because I was, because it's in front of my parents' church, which I had been forced to go to and was not happy about.  Who's idea was it to take a photo there anyway?  But this is the type of thing I used to wear.  And I'm no longer so angry as I was then.  Is anyone??)

The point of this post is not a trip down memory lane. 

A few weeks ago, I had an hour to myself.  My husband was watching the kids, I had an hour to killbefore 8 p.m., and needed to look for a gift.  Somehow all the swanky gift shops closed at 7. 

Now, in the town I live in, gift shops don't stay open all hours of the night (as they do in other, more populated parts of the midwest).  I had a specific idea of the kind of gift I wanted - it was a theme gift.  I wanted some sort of pin or charm with a book on it or a steaming cup of coffee/tea.  Shouldn't be so difficult to find, right?

Needless to say, some of the shops (like the one I described above) are still around. They've changed, they have new merchandise, but they are similar. Although the new hippie movement sort of died, some parts of the culture are still around, and going strong.  And I thought - maybe - maybe they might have a pin or charm there, right?

So back to this evening, I'm still wearing my business casual (i.e. work) clothes.  Not even really fashionable work clothes, because I'm a mom, and work in a conservative industry.  And being on the cutting edge of fashion just isn't me. 

And I don't wear tie dye shirts and long flowy skirts to work.  Most of the time. 

What was amusing (to me) is that as soon as I stepped in this particular store, looking for a pin - I could tell I was out of place.  One of the salespeople came up to me almost immediately, asking if he could help me find something.  I think the idea that I would be there, browsing...well - I'm assuming that most of their customers don't look or dress like me. 

Isn't it interesting - to have been "in" - to be normal and natural.  And now, I'm no longer "in".

I look suspicious and require special attention. 

It was just really amusing to me - considering my above "hippie" credentials.  I should have broken out my old tie dye shirt (I still have one) just for the occasion.

PS.  Hippie Chick post title stolen from an early 90s song by Soho.

Classic Songs

 My husband and son were watching the Monty Python video "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" from the Life of Brian.  The lyrics are not safe for kindergarten, but it is a classic. 

The movie is completely irreverent if you haven't seen it.  I don't want to link to it, as I don't think that's kosher, but definitely go to youtube and search.  You'll find the video.  

Then, a few days ago, my son was attempting to talk me into purchasing something for him.  "Then you give me some money" was the phrase used.  I couldn't pass up watching this video with him.  ("Bad Checks, anything"). 



 No copyright infringement intended. 

Music and Aging

Found it!  Finally! 

I was listening to npr the other day and heard a report from this reporter.  Just to keep everyone in the loop, I've been searching for this article through search engines for some time now, and couldn't find the right key words.

The story is here from 2006..."Does Age quash our spirit of adventure?"   So it had nothing to do with music at all, which is why I couldn't find it. 

Robert Sapolsky, a distinguished neuroscientist in his 40s, had a young assistant who played different music every day, from Sonic Youth to Minnie Pearl. That made Sapolsky crazy -- and curious about why his aging ears still crave the music he loved in college. Is there a certain age when the typical American passes from the novelty stage to utter predictability?

While I have certainly met older people who enjoy all types of music, I have found this observation to be true for me personally.  Listening to music I loved from high school produces an emotional reaction for me - I like current music, but it is just not the same. 

So it's nice to have my theories backed up by research.  It's true, I think some people are simply more experimental than others in terms of their musical preferences.   But I think as we age, we're less interested in experiencing and understanding new things.

I'm so glad you finally made it here

Have I mentioned before how much I like Dar Williams? here  February and here why cranberry?

I've been thinking of this song recently, which I think is an awesome, inspiring song.

Well, I was going to post a video - but none of them really fit my impression of the song. So please feel free to search on google or youtube for this song...


Here is an excerpt from the lyrics:
You're Aging Well

Why is it that as we grow older and stronger
The road signs point us adrift and make us afraid
Saying "You never can win," "Watch your back," "Where's your husband?"
I don't like the signs that the sign makers made

So I'm going to steal out with my paint and brushes I'll change the directions, I'll hit every street
It's the Tinseltown scandal, the Robin Hood vandal
She goes out and steals the King's English
And in the morning you wake up and the signs point to you

They say, "I'm so glad that you finally made it here
You thought nobody cared, but I did, I could tell"
And, "This is your year," and "It always starts here" And "You're aging well"

Three songs

I heard this song the other day. And it took me back - because back when I was a waitress, at a country western steakhouse, they had Bob Marley on the jukebox. Sure, they might have had a hundred country cd's, but they had Bob Marley's greatest hits. One of my fellow waiters loved Bob Marley - so the cd was in heavy rotation. And yes, it did seem odd to be listening to Bob Marley in a country/western place, but the customers never mentioned it.

This was, of course, back in the day when people still had cd players and listened to cd's...

Another friend was talking about The Dave Matthews band the other day. This too, was an album that was on heavy rotation when I was a waitress - at a different restaurant. But with a similar theme - it was the person in charge of the music's favorite album at the time. Or multiple people. So it was played - a lot.

Last but not least was Yanni Live at the Acropolis. This, too was on heavy rotation at the Greek/Mediterranean restaurant where I worked. I loved the food there, still love the food there. Of the three, this was the album that most got on my nerves. One can only take so much of Yanni.

To this day, I hear songs from all three albums and think of those respective places. It must be some sort of site-specific learning or memory.

Thomas fan video

So somehow, my son stumbled on all the Thomas fan videos on youtube. Everyone on earth probably already knew about them, but we did not.

If you look on youtube for Thomas and Emily in love, there's another video as well.

This is one of the episodes with Trent Reznor's "Hurt" playing in the background.



I think only a parent who has watched hundreds of hours of thomas videos can truly appreciate this tribute.

Questions, Questions, Questions

So I was thinking of this Frank Zappa/Mothers of Invention song the other day (Call Any Vegetable), and I was going to post a link to it but then I listened to it last night. I was going to mention something about my daughter but I think it stands on it's own.

Language NSFW (obviously). And this is Dweezil Zappa, not his dad. Still a great song.




**Note - I know some people don't like/appreciate Zappa for many reasons. I think you should leave now because this blog will just bring you down.

artists

The best part of youtube is I can search for my favorite artists and find videos. Of course, I'm a singer/songwriter fan - so sometimes people look a bit odd singing in videos. Since it's the holidays, I wanted to share some of my favorite artists with you. Yeah, all of these artists have been around for awhile, but I still like 'em.

First is Rose Polenzani. This video has her tuning for the first bit.



I've heard a faster tempo version of this song which I prefer from Voices on the Verge.

I also love Leonard Cohen's work. This is Rufus Wainwright singing "Hallelujah". I must have been listening to this song too much - my son noggin has been walking around attempting to sing "Hallelujah". (I know his head is moving around a lot in this version, I think he's just passionate about the song).



My favorite quote from this song "and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew ya."

Here's another classic from Leonard - "The War". I think this is off of "New Skin for the Old Ceremony".




Anthem - this is not the best film quality ever - looks like someone was at a show and recorded it. Still a great song.



In an interview, I heard Leonard Cohen say that he spends months during the year with a buddhist monk. I'd say it's pretty obvious.

Third is Liz Phair live. "Exile in Guyville" is a great album and one of my all time favorites. Warning for those reading from work - there is some language - this video has the c and f words. I was looking for gunshy, but couldn't find a copy of a video online.




Thanks - I may share other artists...I still am based mostly in cd's and albums. I'll move to mp3s one of these days...

Near Miss

Years ago, I was dating a guy who turned out to be a total jerk. Well, really, he did turn out to be a jerk in my opinion. This is not a label that I throw around lightly. After we dated, he kept getting in these relationships with women that followed a certain progression. He and his girlfriend would be attached at the hip. When they define "attached at the hip", there should be a photo of this couple. You would always see them together outside classes, one would be waiting outside of the class for the other to come out. It was spooky. Then, after around six months or so, he would dump them (the girlfriends), cold turkey. The girlfriends were left struggling to figure out who they were, struggle to develop friends, and figure out what was so alluring about the new girl. There wasn't just one that this happened to. Yes, of course, they were also part of this. I'm just holding him equally accountable.

I actually hold no ill will towards him. I thank whatever higher power that we broke up as quickly as we did. He's actually on my list of people that I can't believe I dated. And he still hasn't friended me on certain social networking sites, which is stunning.

Back in the day, he was of the mindset that friends had to like everything. It was a little disturbing. He would talk about friends of his from high school - how this small group had "the same excited reaction" to various movies, etc. Particular actors also invoked this reaction, shakespearean actors for example. Looking back on it, I wonder just how honest everyone was.

So one night, he wanted to watch a certain movie that he had a near spiritual experience to. He kept raving about the brilliance of this movie. How as soon as I saw it, I would get it.

I watched the movie. It was, in fact, pretty good.

It wasn't the best thing since sliced bread though. I certainly didn't have a spiritual experience. In fact, I was left wondering what the big deal was (another example of too much hype). I was honest with him about it, although perhaps I gave a rose colored glass perspective.

It was the beginning of the end of the relationship.

I was young, this was a long time ago, things might have changed since then. But I was struck by the notion that friends couldn't disagree. That people in relationships couldn't have separate lives and interests.

This weekend, I may go see a local choral performance. I was in choir in high school, and I loved it. When I think back on high school, the time in choir is one of the bright points. I may consider trying out for this choir at some point in the future. Who knows.

My husband doesn't share this passion. I wrote about our different interestshere. I don't think any less of our relationship for it. I don't think any less of friends of mine that can't stand choral music. There are lots of other things that we've found like this. Interests I have and he doesn't, or vice versa. Same with many of my friends.

I love that we have different interests and hobbies. I love that we have different reactions to things. It's thrilling to have things in common, but it's nice to have my own space. I can't imagine how boring it would be to like everything in the same amount. To have the same reactions to everything - what would be the point of conversation?