Life is good

A lot has been going in for me recently, most of which I don't feel comfortable talking about at the moment on this blog.

May flowers 2014

But I'm struck by the fact that no matter what's going on, life is good.  Life is pretty amazing, in fact.  And I remain in awe (when I remember to be) that I'm here and that I have as many opportunities that I have.  Gratitude for all the opportunities that I was fortunate to experience.

Many local people complain about this past winter (it was a difficult winter).  And it's wonderful now that the winter is over, and at least here, it's firmly spring with flowering trees and warmer temperatures. So life is good.

Gratitude can help reduce stress

A meme on a certain social networking site is to list out all the things my friends are grateful for.

I think this is great.  I have some friends who are put off by the gratitude thing - perhaps seeing it as self-righteous or holier-than-thou.  Or perhaps that gratitude requires us to do something - compels us to some action.  I'm not sure I agree with that. 

Yet it appears that practicing gratitude can reduce stress and  help us focus on the positive rather than the negative.  It doesn't surprise me that our brains focus on the negative and threats. 

There is a crack in everything - that's where the light comes in

Our internal wiring is still that of 30,000 years ago - when paying attention to threats like bear attacks and weather related phenomenon helped keep our species alive.  Our brains still have that wiring, despite the fact that most of us will probably not have to face bear attacks in our lifetimes.  A podcast I listened to likened it to running modern software on the first computers - the kind that required punch cards to program.  Our brains haven't been upgraded.

So I do think about the things I'm grateful for - a lot.  I have a great deal to appreciate in my life. 

Maybe it's the Ukrainian/Eastern European in me - whatever may be going on, I know it could be so much worse! 

So I like reading about the people and things people are grateful for.  Everything from shoes to schools to children and health.  I'm grateful for science - that we can study this world and try to make sense of what's going on.  I'm grateful for good books.  I'm grateful that when our p.c. has been breaking recently - I know enough that I can open it up and install a new fan. 

Future Realities or Rights I'm Grateful for

Recently I've encountered two wonderful dystopian realities, both science fiction.  They both challenged me to think about the U.S., our rights and the things I have to be grateful for.  Certain political parties or movements are not the only people who can express their appreciation for the rights and privileges that Americans enjoy. 

I read "The Year of the Flood" by Margaret Atwood and watched the movie "Idiocracy". 

1 - I'm grateful for the right to a fair trial, adequate counsel and the ethical treatment of prisoners.  While there are notable exceptions to this in the United States, these rights are critical to a moral, free society. For example, there is a scene in "Idiocracy" where the main character is rolled into the courtroom in a cage and someone throws food at him. Then, his court-appointed lawyer testifies against him for "being a dick".

This is an exaggeration, sure.  But it isn't difficult to imagine a world without these rights.  In some parts of the world, these things happen today, or no trial at all.  (As an aside, this is a great essay from "This I believe" about the right for everyone to have counsel - no matter who they are and what they are accused of doing.)


2 - I am not legally responsible for my parents' debts; against unsecured assets (like medical bills or credit card bills).

Hundreds of years ago, whole families would be thrown into debtor's prison.  Children would be responsible for paying their parents' debts, no matter what choices the parents' made, and even if children had no means of repaying those debts.

In The Year of the Flood, the main character, Toby, is responsible for her parents' debts.  Her father goes broke attempting to care for her mother, who (whom?) we find out later was a human test subject for a corporation.  A corporation was poisoning the mother, not paying for her care, and the family went broke trying to pay the medical bills.  Her father takes his life after her mother dies - Toby is forced to go "off the grid" to not be thrown into jail.

Given our current state of affairs, it's not difficult to imagine a world where this was likely.  Where corporations control the police force.  If a person can't pay the corporation, or is wronged by that organization, there is no recourse.

I am not always happy with my country.  I am not happy with the outcomes of certain court decisions or legal battles.  I am not proud of the actions of my country in the past.

But that doesn't mean that I don't cherish our current checks and balances, our current legal system.  I appreciate the sacrifices that so many have made to support those rights and that system.

I also have admiration for some forms of science fiction, which can shine a spotlight on our current culture and ask "What If?"  While some premises are absurd or heavy-handed; others are not far from reality. 

I cannot imagine a world where everyone appears to be a member of the program "Jackass" or the cast of "Beavis and Butthead" (the creator of "Idiocracy", Mike Judge is interviewed on "Fresh Air" here; he talks about why he wrote and created the dystopian reality of "Idiocracy.").  These programs have their place, and may be an entertaining distraction.  But they cannot be allowed to dominate our lives, our society or our conversations.

Unconditional Friendship

This isn't the season for gratitude, that was so last month.  But I would be remiss if I didn't mention the good friends in my life.  I am constantly amazed at how wise and supportive they are. 

If you don't have good friends who are supportive of you, no matter what decisions you make - my sympathy to you.  I hope you can find them.  Those friends are priceless (to my mind). 

It's easy to decide that you know what's best for another person, for their life or relationship. 

It's much more difficult to show unconditional caring for another person, to listen to them.   To let them know that you will support them no matter what*.  To realize that ultimately, the only person living your life is you, and people can only control themselves, not another's actions.

My thoughts for this holiday season - my gratitude for such amazing support. 

*Of course, there are instances where unconditional support doesn't make sense, particularly enabling a friend in unhealthy things - abusing heroin or something.  Just wanted to make that distinction as I think that's pretty important.

2009: Questioning Assumptions

It's the time of year when people make top ten (or top thirteen) lists.  Reflecting on this year, what jumps out at me is that this year, I worked at questioning my assumptions. 

Questioning, for me, is nothing new.  I've toyed with writing my own "This I believe" essay, and usually when I think about it, it goes right back to being curious and inquisitive (for me personally).

The cliche is that life is a journey, change is the only constant, etc. 

When I started out on my own, however, I didn't realize that so much that I knew or intrinsically understood would change.  That some things I depended on wouldn't be there, but other unexpected things *would* be there.  And, this isn't an every five years or every ten years exercise.

Yearly, monthly, even daily, I come into contact with things that force me to adjust my expectations, to process new information and to set new boundaries.  On my good days, I recognize just how much I have to be grateful for (which is, frankly, quite a lot). 

Some of my more jaded readers might question - isn't that what everyone does?  Doesn't everyone ask lots of questions and take inventories of their actions/behaviors?  But the reality, which I see here in my 30s, is that not everyone does.  Some are just trying to survive - or to make it through the day.  For some, it seems to me it goes back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

This must sound out of touch without concrete examples - but since I have such a wide variety of reader(s), I don't want to give away too many details. I do think this post "the hamster wheel" is a good example.

Figuring out that I had to take care of myself, that I am responsible for myself and my feelings.  Again, the assumption I had was that I would take care of other people, and in return, when I was in need, they would take care of me.  All of this unspoken, of course.  I'm not advocating radical selfishness here, just that setting boundaries, saying no, speaking up about my feelings was/is important.  No one else is going to do it for me, or is even able to do it for me.  As always, this sound painfully obvious, but it really wasn't for me.  Not inconveniencing other people, disappointing people (particularly loved ones) was a greater motivation. 

Various relationships started and ended this year of friends and family members.  And this year, for the first time, (see here and here)  I realized that what these loved ones were doing, which relationships they were in (or not in) was really none of my business. 

I confess, I had always assumed that other people's relationships did affect me. 

I don't know why I thought this.  And I knew that before (people's relationships are their own), but I had never acknowledged that there was a part of me that really did want to get in the middle, wanted to understand, wanted to label whatever else was going on for other people. Now it's true, figuring out whether or not to invite someone to a gathering (if the relationship is rocky) or whether or not to send a request to someone (an ex) on a popular social networking site can be difficult/tricky. 

But in the end, however, it goes back to letting go of control, and the illusion of control.  And without question, I have no control over other people or their relationships.  Again, seems obvious to other people, but for some reason it just wasn't for me.

So all in all, it was a good year.  I'm glad to keep growing and re-evaulating everything.  Thanks for staying with me throughout this journey.

My book club recently read A Thousand Splendid Suns, by Khaled Hosseini.  Set in war torn Afganistan, I found it was an especially sad novel.  I think it was easier for me, knowing when I started the novel that it was going to be sad and heart-wrenching. 

Throughout the novel, I kept thinking "Can it get any worse for the two main female characters?"  And, yes, it could.  Life got worse particularly as the Taliban came into power.  At one point, the two lead characters, Mariam and Laila, tried to escape their abusive husband. But they couldn't leave Afganistan, as two women, because there wasn't a man with them.  They were returned by the Taliban to the husband, who almost killed both of them (including the young daughter) for trying to leave.

The book was so hopeless, it almost seemed like a propaganda piece.   But it's not as if the reports of the life of women under the regime of the Taliban were untrue - women unable to find a hospital to give birth in - giving birth under squalid and inhumane circumstances.  The thought of the people of Afganistan wanting to go back to that situation gives me pause. 

I, for one, certainly do not believe the U.S. needs to be the world's police force, or needs to rescue people in these countries. 

With that said, it seems deplorable that anyone should have to live in such conditions (as described in this novel).  And I have to agree that if we (as a nation) create a mess, we should help clean it up - to make things right where possible, within reason. It is, of course, very complicated and complex.  I know that many of my readers may disagree with me, and I respect that we disagree on this issue (sending more troops to Afganistan, or being there in the first place).  I'm not even sure that sending additional troops is the "right" solution. 

We read a lot of books of people and families without hope in my book club.  Some set in the U.S., some set in other countries (surprisingly or not, the description of poverty and hunger remains very similar).  In all the novels and memoirs, the common thread of hope was education. 

In each work, the main character(s) had one (or more) teachers who took an interest.  The teachers (or a muslim cleric in the case of A Thousand Splendid Suns) inspired them to love learning, and to escape their circumstances.  In each case, the teachers gave the students hope.

I know it's a few weeks after Thanksgiving, and most people have moved on from their lists of gratitude.  But I, personally, am grateful for teachers and educators.  Those who inspire a love of learning, or simply give hope where there was none. 

Lists of Five Things

I am not a fan of November weekday mornings.  I am not a fan of waking up in darkness.  The time recently changed, giving me an extra hour of sleep - and yet, I'm still not a fan.

Someone mentioned recently that each day, they make three lists of five things. 

I loved the idea, so I'm sharing it here.

They start with five things they are grateful for.  (btw -my kids and my health are two things right up at the top of the list, every day.)  I am also grateful for my job. 

I don't have to say what I'm grateful to - as far as I'm concerned, it can be the universe.  It's just the process of recognizing I have quite a bit to be thankful for.

Then, they list five things they are proud of themselves for.  Basically giving yourself props for something difficult.  Again, getting up and getting to work - something I am proud of myself for doing.

Finally, a list of five things to work on or process.

Strangely enough, getting up on time for work is not on this list for me.  :) Things like being open about my feelings and setting boundaries (and not feeling guilty for setting boundaries) are on there.