Consent

Recently some prominent celebrities made some unfortunate statements.  Chanson has some good analysis on the subject.

My first caveat is that I'm not 100% familiar of the specific situation, who said what, what may have happened.

But it sounds like there are some older males (I'm considering over 35 old) who are adjusting to society's new understanding of consent.

Because there is a new understanding of consent.

I think about the rape scene in Sixteen Candles.   I'm embarrassed to say that I was much older (much too old) when I became aware that the behavior in the movie (sex with someone who is too drunk) was rape.  I was never taught that was rape (particularly growing up mormon).

That's why the conversation about consent is important.

I'm not surprised that there are older people (male and female) who hadn't revisited this.  It's true, sex and relationships  can be complicated.  And our society changes (our ideas of appropriate/acceptable change).  This is a good thing.

And I think this should be part of a larger conversation in our society.  Conversations can lead to new understandings. I wonder if it's frightening for people.  It's not comfortable or lauded to admit one was wrong.  Some people will do whatever is possible to not admit they made a mistake.

I'm glad our society has changed and continues to change.  I'm glad we're having a conversation as a society; it means that beliefs have changed.  For a long time, women simply had to accept the status quo - and many men didn't realize they were doing anything wrong (privilege).

I'm not trying to defend the rape apologists here (perhaps I am defending the rape apologists).  What I'm saying is, it's okay to change your mind and to admit you were mistaken.  Consent is a good thing (particularly as an over 35 male) to revisit and gain a new understanding.  Our society sees consent differently than we did, so it behooves all of us to understand why and what that means for our daily lives.

Public and Private Expression of Belief

Recently I mentioned to a friend my belief that personal religious and spiritual beliefs should be just that, personal.  I realize that I hadn't posted about that here.  I have posted about what a person is obliged to do religion-wise for family, and my personal reaction to family and friends who are still mormon.

Testimony meeting

For my non mormon readers, the first Sunday of each month is considered "Fast Sunday".  See the Sacrament meeting section of wikipedia here. Many active members will get up and talk about their faith and their beliefs.  Even young children are subtly or not so subtly encouraged to get up in front of the whole ward/congregation and say things like "I know the church is true" and "I know Joseph Smith was a prophet". 

Now, some LDS argue this is more of a "folk" practice, it's not officially sanctioned and by some accounts is discouraged.  But it still happens.  And what child wouldn't want to please his or her parents?  (Not surprising to anyone, I did share these type of testimonies when I was very young - under 12).

There is a strange dynamic between LDS parents and their children.  I found this article about Alice Miller and mormonism to be very helpful. I think it can be very difficult for children to determine what their own beliefs are, and particularly to respond to the need they have to be loved and accepted by their parents and family.
quote from the article:

I don't recall a specific incident in my childhood in which I was straightforwardly told, "You must think and believe this way, or you will never see your family again after you die." But it was certainly implied as the only logical conclusion to what I was directly taught -- which was that only those families who believe in Mormonism and are sealed in a Mormon temple will be together forever.

In some ways the indirect threat that results from this teaching is more difficult to deal with than a straightforward threat would be. When a threat is presented clearly and straightforwardly, it can be seen for what it really is, and dealt with directly. But when the threat is indirect, or only implied as part of what is presented as a beautiful, eternal truth, it can sometimes be difficult to consciously realize that this unspoken threat is a motivating force in our lives.

Children are/were taught from a young age that it's okay to say things they don't mean, just to make other people happy.  And I confess I struggle with this as a parent.  I ask my children to say thank you when someone gives them something.  Am I helping them learn to be polite?  Or am I forcing them to say things they don't mean?  Some LDS parents would argue that asking their children to bear their testimonies in front of the congregation helps them develop their testimonies, to develop their beliefs.

I'm not sure why mormons have testimony meeting each month.  Perhaps by hearing the testimony of someone else, the idea is that one's own testimony will grow.  All this is a very public process.  Some LDS members are encouraged to say things they don't even personally believe, that if they say it, maybe they will eventually believe it.

Private Spiritual Beliefs

I no longer think it's important for a person to share their own spiritual beliefs.  It seems to me that those beliefs are between them and God, or a higher power.  Or if a person does not believe in God, I think that's their business.  Unless a belief is harming another person - does it really matter?

I am supportive of people (particularly adults) sharing their beliefs (or non - belief).  What bothers me is the notion that anyone would be obligated to share their beliefs, or be forced to. 

Is it truly anyone else's business if someone believes in God or not?  How do I know that someone hasn't spent a lifetime studying religious texts?  How do I know they haven't spent each day in prayer and meditation?   And is that my (or anyone's) business?

I personally believe that the LDS missionaries can be incredibly arrogant.  When some 19 year old male or 21 year old female knocks on my door, assuming I haven't read the same things they have, assuming they know more than I do. 

They have every right to share their beliefs with me, but I have the right to keep mine to myself.  Or to share my beliefs with them. 

And while it is complicated when family members are confrontational about one's own spiritual beliefs - I think each person has the right to refuse to answer that question.  To admit they might not know, or might want to keep their opinions to themselves.

Leaving the faith

As a former Mormon, I have a unique amount of sympathy for anyone trying to leave a faith. Actually, I feel very strongly that anyone should be able to leave any organized religion at any time - for any reason.

Protest signed today at the Hague

Some Muslims signed a petition at the Hague today to have the right to publicly renounce their faith. I don't see how this could be a bad thing.

The irony is that some evangelical religions (not necessarily Islam) actually encourage people to leave their current faith and join a new one. In that sense, someone leaving a faith was encouraged - as long as they were joining "the true faith". The families, the obligations to the old religion/church were downplayed.

Since I grew up in a very Roman Catholic area, there were many former Catholics in my LDS ward. I remember them talking about the pain their families experienced when they had joined mormonism. It was always spoken of in the sense of "but now I have the truth".

One YW leader (youth teacher) woman in particular talked about how growing up she had the cross to remember her faith - but now she had the young women's medallions. (This seems incredibly ironic to me now, but that was her experience. For the non LDS/former LDS readers out there, often mormons will claim to be different/better than Catholics since they don't have/need symbols like crosses).

Please don't misunderstand me - I am not advocating the end to religion or people forcibly leaving religions (any religion) without study and knowledge.

I support the right to have faith in the God or higher power of your choice. I support non belief.

But faith should be a personal experience, and the exercise of that faith should be according to one's own conscience. Not the dictates of a society or organized religion. And if someone wants to leave (or join) any religion, they should have that freedom - without fear of retribution.