Taking one's lumps

My grandmother told me a story about being pulled over by a police officer (or perhaps my Mom was telling the story about her Mom.  It works either way).  My grandma said she just started crying.  She couldn't stop.  I don't know if she was deliberately trying to get out of a ticket, or was simply under an intense amount of stress.  In the end, the officer (male) let her go with a warning.

I tend to be outspoken and opinionated, which I've tried to reign back in recent years.  I don't have "feminist" tattooed on my forehead.  I believe in equal rights and opportunities for everyone, regardless of gender. 

So I was surprised to find out an acquaintance had figured me out. The acquaintance observed (to my husband) that I was not the type of woman who would cry to get out of a ticket. 

And he's right.

I wouldn't (and haven't) cried to get out of a speeding ticket.  To my mind, if I was speeding (or I ran a stop sign), I will own up to it.  Some would argue, in a flawed system, I should take every advantage I can get.  And yes, it is a flawed system. But things have changed (quite a bit) for women. And it's legal for us to drive (unlike some places in the world).  And despite all of that, it's quite possible that I would still get the ticket, despite the waterworks.

The observation was an amusing anecdote.  It's always interesting to find out what other people think of you - if they're picking up on the messages you're sending (or misreading them).  Nevertheless, I took it as a compliment, because it's true. 

I expect equal treatment and consideration, and I'm not about to tap into the patriarchy/ "Fascinating Womanhood" if it will limit my choices or the choices of other women.

I Don't Want To Talk About It

Some may wonder why I would be interested in a book about male depression. 

Simply put, depression impacts everyone.  The argument Terence Real makes in this book is that covert depression affects men, and wreaks havoc on their families.  This is different from the traditional model of depression - where a person is not able to sleep, eat, work or function normally.  Real's theory is that anger, workaholism and abuse of substances like alcohol in some men is generally related to depression.  That sometimes depression in men doesn't fit the traditional "bell jar" model, but it can be just as damaging to everyone. 

For some, anger is expressed towards oneself (depression has often been described as internalized anger).  The author gives examples from his own practice and therapy groups (anonymous of course). Traditionally, the only acceptable emotion for men has been anger. 

Real talks about how many parts of American culture are designed to cut men off from their feelings, from appearing weak or feminine.  He mentions the passive trauma that many boys (but in my opinion, many children) face.  That this "passive trauma" can long term be just as damaging and can sew the seeds of adult depression. Real gives examples of his father's explosive anger and physical abuse, teachers watching as a boy is bullied each day for being "fat", kids who ignore a coach who punches a student. 

Boys are often told to "be a man" - but what does that mean, really?
It is weighted and treacherous subject matter.

I have long thought strict gender roles hurt everyone - men and women.  In this book, Real suggest that the socialization of men can be just as damaging as it can be to women.  That men often need to gain access to their feelings, being more relational to develop better relationships - with themselves, their spouses and children. 

He is suggesting that by addressing the covert depression in men - the whole person can be healed. That parts of the cycle of violence can be broken*.  That often, men will not seek therapy or help for themselves, but to not be the same person as their father was.  It's not that

I mentioned "pansy crap" earlier.  This was mentioned in a comment at MSP a few months ago; I can't find it at the moment. 

There is a ton of anger, suspicion and fear towards men talking about their feelings.  It's almost explosive - talk about a problem-with-no-name in American culture.  Comments like "pansy crap" are meant to dismiss men, their perceptions and feelings.  (The ultimate insult for a man is still to be like a woman).  And while men may deny their anger and fear - their families and children can suffer. 

Until the base assumptions are addresses, and men and women are allowed to explore their full potential and authenticity - we will make no progress as a culture.

*One case study in the book talked about his wife's feelings first, her disappointments, fears, etc.  The notion of carried feeling - children trying to make their parent's mistakes right - struck a little close to home for me.  What am I trying to do because it's right for me? What am I trying to do to heal, fix of change my parents....yikes.

A boy for him and a girl for me

Can someone explain this statement to me?

Because if you can explain it and where it comes from, I would appreciate it. Because I am having a hard time understanding it. This is something I've heard in the past few years, not a quote from the fifties. Is it just a midwest thing?

Specifically, I spoke with someone who was unhappy to hear he was having a daughter, because the daughter would be his wife's.

It seems to me that most parents are lucky to have a healthy child growing up in a safe, nurturing environment.

Yes, there are still lots of gender roles and stereotypes. I may yet write about my company's dress code as a glaringly obvious example of different standards for men and women. Women struggle to make gains in public life, balance family concerns and be successful in their careers if they choose.

So in American society, it comes as no surprise that men and women are different.

But the idea that someone's daughter wouldn't be "theirs" since their wife would raise them or that a son would be the husband's - just sounds odd and foreign to me. Frankly, I think it smacks of sexism. It limits what the son and the daughter can do and what things they will enjoy. So your daughter enjoys watching football with you? Or your son enjoys cooking? Who cares??!?

Maybe this is so foreign to me since my parents raised me to think for myself and to question. I don't remember being told I couldn't have a career (when many parents told their girls they would be wives and mothers). To some extent, my parents don't follow strict gender roles.

I remember my Mom visiting my apartment in college and flipping over the vacuum cleaner to fix it. I had just mentioned that it wasn't working. My dad would let us watch while he fixed the cars. He would prop up the car hood and show us where the radiator fluid went, how to check the oil. They worked very hard to make sure I got the best education possible. Never did they say - why waste the money for college on our daughter! She'll just get married anyway.

I guess all I'm saying is, it is a little sad to hear a mom say that the son is not hers or a dad say his daughter is not his. I think it leaves out just how complex these relationships are. And children really benefit from both parents (and people in general) who love and support them. No matter what gender they are.