Free range parenting fail?

The best part of childhood is exploring, getting dirty - experiencing the outdoors in all its splendor.  Not everyone agrees with me.

I live on a small lake.  I love going down to the water with my kids.  We skip stones.  We throw rocks in the water.  It's part of the reason I chose to live here.

There is a dead tree that fell into the lake. My two have been systematically taking it apart.  Tearing off the bark, breaking off the branches.

dead tree 2015

I would have done the same thing when I was ten.  And while growing up in my family was not always easy, my best memories are of exploring the outdoors.  Creating potions with leaves.  Building clubhouses underneath bushes.

Last Tuesday after dinner, we were out breaking branches.  All of a sudden, I hear "Are you going to clean that up?"  I didn't know where the voice was shouting from.  A neighbor was standing on his second floor porch and proceeded to curse us out (literally).  I started gathering the wood chips together.

He shouted things like "we all have to live here.  Now that tree looks like sh*t without its branches." "I've seen you here with your kids.  How can you let your kids do this? You're a (insert expletive here) mother".

We went inside.  I was shaken and upset.  My kids were shaken and upset.

I checked with the leasing office to find out the rules and to report this guy.  Sometimes people are jerks, which is what I told my kids.  If he has an issue with me, then he could have come down to the lake and discussed it with me as an adult.

Part of the injustice of it is that I know I'm a good mom.  Allowing my kids to explore the outdoors (while I'm right there) is part of what makes me a good parent.  Some jerk saying that I'm not a good mom, because he doesn't like what I'm doing is just his opinion, and doesn't make it true.

But part of the reason it upset me is that I work really, really hard to be the best mom, the best person I can be.  One guy's opinion doesn't change that.  And isn't it odd that we can hear twenty positive opinions but the negative one is the one we remember?

What kind of world will we live in when kids are indoors all the time in front of screens?  We already spend too much time in front of screens, consuming.  I haven't read the Nurtureshock or free range parenting books, but I'm familiar with the concept.  We spend so much time protecting our kids, so much time in sanitized situations, children are unprepared to deal with the world as adults.

I will continue to go down to the lake with my kids. We will continue to explore the outdoors.  Maybe we won't take apart the dead tree, but I'm not changing the way that I parent.

What I Want

(This is a photo of the magnolias in our front yard that have recently bloomed).

SML (aka Sister Mary Lisa) blogged about something similar recently here. It's strange how people can live such different lives, but have some things in common. What she wrote about being a leaf floating in a river resonated with me. Particularly the notion of allowing the current to direct me instead of making my own decisions.

I think many former mormon women, or just people in general may find themselves in this position. Not a mid-life crisis, but being told (for years) that you should want something, or want to be something - and realizing you can actually question where you are. And whether or not that path works for you.

I'm not sure how I got here exactly. Many of my friends have been open about their own paths or journeys, so I wonder if I'm merely jumping on the bandwagon.

Yet I don't really feel that way. I think it's perfectly healthy to start looking at one's life and assess what's been done so far. And to think about the future (what might yet be possible).

My two are becoming more independent every day. Soon, my husband will go back to work (wherever that may be).

And I have made some choices to better focus on myself instead of paying attention to how everyone else is living their lives (and, of course, how *I* think they should be living their lives). As I step back, I realize how dysfunctional that was/is. How limiting for everyone involved (particularly me).

It wasn't conscious, and it was the way I was raised.

I honestly thought that's what everyone did - and how everyone lived. What a breath of fresh air to realize that so much is none of my business - except when someone else's behavior affects me.

With that space, I get to figure out what I want to do and where I want to spend my resources. No longer do I feel obligated to all the other people in my life, to solve their problems or to do things to make them happy (in order to make me happy). Of course I have responsibilities, to my kids, my husband, others. I'm just creating a space where I can figure out what I want - instead of what everyone else wants from me.

And I've long assumed that by making everyone else happy, that would make me happy.

All of this psychobabble basically means, I'm being conscious of where I'm spending my time and asking myself what I'm getting out of interactions. I'm not starting from scratch, I can't imagine where I would be if I had never quit anything. If I hadn't allowed my self to do some assessment. (if I had never confronted myself or other people about anything).

I'll give an example. I thought for a long time that I wanted to go back to school, eventually and get my master's or PhD. Being in IT, I realize that I will have to continue my education and take additional courses. I'm quite comfortable with that. But I realized that if I thought about it, I wasn't really thinking of getting another degree for me. I really wanted one of my grandmothers to be able to brag about another grandchild with professional degree.

I step back and think? Wow - that's really messed up. Logically, it wasn't a conscious decision. But when I start looking at so many things with that lens (am I searching for approval? Or doing something because I want to...) a great deal falls away.

This isn't a quick process. Some of the people in my life already seem to know exactly what they want. Some seem to want very tangible things - or at the very least, semi-tangible. A new computer. To travel to x country or state. To start a family. I think that's great.

I know I'm already doing a lot, and will continue to do what I'm doing.

It's simply exciting to step back and say - okay, here are the cards I've been dealt. And I get to decide what to do with them. And hopefully, I have some time before the last hand to make my choices.