Class Reunion

Reunions are (were?) a cultural phenomenon.  Many movies have class reunions as their plot (Gross Point Blank, for example).

Recently I missed a significant class reunion for my college.  And I'm trying to figure out why.  I don't think I'm the only person who put the reunion on the back burner.  Our class missed the class news, we missed the official activities (no one wanted to volunteer).  I'm not sure how many people (from our class of 200) actually attended the reunion, but I suspect it was a low number.

When I graduated, I did think I would go to the reunions.  And I still might.

But I suspect that technology has greatly changed the landscape of reunions (much like everything else).

The point of going to reunions was to re-connect with people you had lost touch with.  To find out what they do with their lives, meet their spouse, see pictures of their kids.  In many of the books/movies/tv shows, a plot twist was to return to the reunion - having lost weight, had plastic surgery, made a million dollars.  I can't speak for any of my classmates, but I suspect that this was not a factor for missing the reunion.

And it's not that we didn't have a good experience, or remember friends fondly.  I think (can't speak for anyone else) that we did.  College was stressful and difficult, but it was transforming.

But the advent of social media has greatly changed this.  Now, I don't need to pay money for a hotel and transportation to find out what someone is doing - which couples are still together.  If I want to know, I can find them on facebook.  I can google them.  While there are some friends from college that I haven't reconnected with (or the holdouts who refuse to join facebook), there are a lot that have joined the site.  That I am already reconnected with (whatever connection through social media really means).  I can find out what they had for lunch.  I can find out who they will be voting for.  What enigmatic quote they are thinking of today.

So while I would love to have a weekend to spend with those friends (really, a weekend would be awesome) - I don't know that I value it like I would have without the social media presence.  Maybe it's that I've got young kids and travelling is expensive.  Maybe as the kids get older, it will be more of a possibility.  Maybe my college town is just depressing right now (it was always small, but now it's even more economically depressed).

Perhaps it's just the strange nature of the college that I went to, and the strange way we have of relating (or not relating) to one another.  Maybe I'm the only person still thinking about connections from college, when everyone else has moved on.  Maybe no one else wanted to coordinate a reunion (very possible) or be stuck holding the bag (also very possible).  Just something I've been thinking about.

In which I put my foot in my mouth (pt. 2)

I attended the funeral of a friend's mother recently.  At the funeral, there was a blonde woman who looked incredibly familiar to me.  After we were introduced, I realized that we had gone to middle and high school together.  It is a small world (particularly in the suburbs).  She was my friend's cousin - the familial relationship which I had never realized.

We talked about our current lives (as one does).  For the record, in school, we hung out with completely different groups of people.  During the conversation I found out she has three children, and she works at home with them full time.

Perhaps it was because it was her aunt's funeral, perhaps it was just that she and I have always been completely different people with different values.  Most likely, it's that I often put my foot in my mouth.

I asked her what she did to keep busy.  She seemed taken aback and offended.  My husband jumped in (remember, he was a stay at home dad) and said - chasing after kids is enough!

What I meant to say was - what do you do for you?  What do you do outside of being someone's wife and mother?  What makes you fulfilled?

I suppose that this was a political question, even though I didn't mean for it to be.  And I wasn't trying to offend her.  What I was trying to acknowledge was that while being a stay at home mom is a full time job - each person should have their own interests.  Kids grow up.  And being able to be a full time mom is a privilege.

But it's not my place to tell someone else their choices are invalid, or to play the Cassandra.  Just because I would want to have outside interests, doesn't mean everyone has the same needs.  Later, I found out that she had loaned her car last week to my friend to help make arrangements.

And I couldn't help but think - when people work at home full time - this is how they're able to support their friends and family.  They have the resources to run the PTA, to take their kids to hockey practice and ballet - to pick them up from school.  To step up to the plate when others need help.

So perhaps it's political of me as well to acknowledge that these services aren't valued by our society (monetarily).  How many Moms do I know without adequate social security (because they were out of the workforce for years)? How many rejoin the workforce and make drastically less than their peers (working at jobs far below their education)?  These issues are very complicated, and it's not for me to approve or disapprove of another person's choices.

I was just struck about how off base my assumptions were, and that my question (which was meant to be supportive) turned out so poorly.

Camping

Lake Sunset 2013

It's been a great summer, but very busy.  We went camping for a weekend in mid July with friends.

I always liked camping.  And by camping, I mean real, tent camping.  The description of LDS girls' camp in the feminist mormon housewives podcast rang very true to me.  I have fond memories of camp.  I learned a lot.  I still know different ways to make fire, and how to lash two sticks together.

So it was nice to go camping with friends recently.  What was interesting to me, however, was that I realized why I would not want to live on a commune.  Please let me explain.

The food coordination was not really defined beforehand.  We have lots of friends with food allergies, and others who are vegetarian or vegan.  So it would already be difficult to find meals that everyone could eat.

Then, the person who was in charge of a communal grill didn't arrive at the campsite until 6:30 p.m., and then promptly set up their tent.  So it was 8 before they started cooking, and the meal wasn't served until 9.

Sometimes I'm willing to wait to eat with other people (particularly when it's just me), but 9 is too late to eat with kids. And that's a difference among families - some families like to eat at regular times - others are more flexible and fluid.  So we started cooking our own food at 6 and ate around 7.

Back to the reason I couldn't live in a commune - it would involve these types of conversations daily.  It's one thing to coordinate with my own family (four), it's quite another to coordinate cooking, preparing, food with 8 other couples and their kids, given all the food allergies.  And how does one make sure everyone does their share?  There was one couple that seemed like they were not pulling their weight (monitoring or feeding their own child).  There may have been more going on than what I observed - but it's uncomfortable to be in that situation.

The way to make it work -through communication and coordination.  But living in a commune would mean constant conversations about that type of things ALL THE TIME. And from my understanding, often in communes in the 1960s, women did a great deal of work - picking up the slack.  And I'm not comfortable with that either.  In our camping trip, there was an equal sharing of work amongst the couples- cooking, preparing food, watching kids.  But I could see that not always being the case.

I had a great time.  I look forward to returning next year.  I'm even open to a conversation about a communal grill - one side for folks who eat meat, and one for the vegan/vegetarians.

But I realize that living with friends all the time would not be roses and rainbows (we've returned to college dorm living!).  It would be a great deal of work, communication - and would greatly depend on the people we were living with.

Gratitude can help reduce stress

A meme on a certain social networking site is to list out all the things my friends are grateful for.

I think this is great.  I have some friends who are put off by the gratitude thing - perhaps seeing it as self-righteous or holier-than-thou.  Or perhaps that gratitude requires us to do something - compels us to some action.  I'm not sure I agree with that. 

Yet it appears that practicing gratitude can reduce stress and  help us focus on the positive rather than the negative.  It doesn't surprise me that our brains focus on the negative and threats. 

There is a crack in everything - that's where the light comes in

Our internal wiring is still that of 30,000 years ago - when paying attention to threats like bear attacks and weather related phenomenon helped keep our species alive.  Our brains still have that wiring, despite the fact that most of us will probably not have to face bear attacks in our lifetimes.  A podcast I listened to likened it to running modern software on the first computers - the kind that required punch cards to program.  Our brains haven't been upgraded.

So I do think about the things I'm grateful for - a lot.  I have a great deal to appreciate in my life. 

Maybe it's the Ukrainian/Eastern European in me - whatever may be going on, I know it could be so much worse! 

So I like reading about the people and things people are grateful for.  Everything from shoes to schools to children and health.  I'm grateful for science - that we can study this world and try to make sense of what's going on.  I'm grateful for good books.  I'm grateful that when our p.c. has been breaking recently - I know enough that I can open it up and install a new fan. 

Suicide

I was shocked and saddened to learn of the death of a friend/acquaintance from college.  We weren't close - we weren't even friends on a certain social networking site. I found out about his death through the alumni class notes (which should say a lot).  But at a small school with 1200 students, you pretty much know everyone, or know someone who knows them.  And we had friends in common.

I'm struck by two things.  First, I'm struck that he was really the last person (or one of the last people) I would have expected to suffer from severe depression and to take his own life*. 

So what does that say? Evidently just because you know someone's public persona (and you've debated philosophy with them once or twice) doesn't mean you know anything about their inner life - who they really are.

*Let me explain what I mean.  David Foster Wallace suffered from severe depression and wrote about it eloquently. I was saddened but not shocked by his death for that reason.  It may sound callous or crass to say, but that's my take.  When people suffer from a disease, it's not unexpected when you lose them to that disease.

So I return to - how much did I know anyone? The news had me wondering "WTF" all last week - I initially thought it was some sort of elaborate joke.

Second, I question my own perspective about my friends from college - many are all stuck in my mind permanently where we were fifteen years ago.  I've changed - a lot - but I keep expecting this nebulous "they" to remain just where they were. 

Sure, some people have gotten married (and divorced) and had kids - and I see lovely photos of their lives on fb. 

I don't know, this guy seemed so put together and successful.  I could have easily seen him running for office, a professor or successful businessman, just about anything.  Fifteen years ago, the future seemed wide open. 

Things change.  What the heck happened?

My husband says I have to get used to this, the first set of friends dying from 18 -25, the second set after 35.  I don't think the losses will ever not be shocking.


Finally - suicide in itself makes people sad and uncomfortable - we've changed from the 1960s where it was taboo to discuss...But even today - it does seem taboo to discuss.