I attended the funeral of a friend's mother recently. At the funeral, there was a blonde woman who looked incredibly familiar to me. After we were introduced, I realized that we had gone to middle and high school together. It is a small world (particularly in the suburbs). She was my friend's cousin - the familial relationship which I had never realized.
We talked about our current lives (as one does). For the record, in school, we hung out with completely different groups of people. During the conversation I found out she has three children, and she works at home with them full time.
Perhaps it was because it was her aunt's funeral, perhaps it was just that she and I have always been completely different people with different values. Most likely, it's that I often put my foot in my mouth.
I asked her what she did to keep busy. She seemed taken aback and offended. My husband jumped in (remember, he was a stay at home dad) and said - chasing after kids is enough!
What I meant to say was - what do you do for you? What do you do outside of being someone's wife and mother? What makes you fulfilled?
I suppose that this was a political question, even though I didn't mean for it to be. And I wasn't trying to offend her. What I was trying to acknowledge was that while being a stay at home mom is a full time job - each person should have their own interests. Kids grow up. And being able to be a full time mom is a privilege.
But it's not my place to tell someone else their choices are invalid, or to play the Cassandra. Just because I would want to have outside interests, doesn't mean everyone has the same needs. Later, I found out that she had loaned her car last week to my friend to help make arrangements.
And I couldn't help but think - when people work at home full time - this is how they're able to support their friends and family. They have the resources to run the PTA, to take their kids to hockey practice and ballet - to pick them up from school. To step up to the plate when others need help.
So perhaps it's political of me as well to acknowledge that these services aren't valued by our society (monetarily). How many Moms do I know without adequate social security (because they were out of the workforce for years)? How many rejoin the workforce and make drastically less than their peers (working at jobs far below their education)? These issues are very complicated, and it's not for me to approve or disapprove of another person's choices.
I was just struck about how off base my assumptions were, and that my question (which was meant to be supportive) turned out so poorly.
Showing posts with label culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label culture. Show all posts
Monday, September 9, 2013
Monday, November 12, 2012
Cave of Forgotten Dreams
I was going to e-mail my friend NN about this film but I thought - why not recommend it to everyone? She has a great post about cave art here.
I watched this documentary film recently. Some parts were choppy and it may have been longer than it needed to be. Maybe it would have seemed less choppy if I had seen it in 3D.
But the cave art was amazing. The notion that people 30,000 years ago had the time and wherewithal to paint animals on this cave - on any cave is inspiring. I suspect there is something about being human that inspires us to create art - to leave a legacy for our descendants. There is an urge towards communication - to find common understanding.
___________________________________________
I was having a conversation with my kids about whether or not cavemen were stupid. They claimed that cavemen were stupid. I suspect it's related to some tv commercial that makes that implication.
Anyway, I explained that cave people were probably not stupid. No one had made a spear before, but they had to figure it out. And use that spear to find food. They had to figure out what could be eaten - how to stay warm through the winter. That would have taken a great deal of intelligence. In the film, an anthropologist throws a spear replica. I'm grateful that I am not dependent on bone tools for food!
Upon further reflection, I remarked that their brains were probably smaller than our more modern brains. So they may have been a bit less intelligent.
But my awe still stands. It's amazing that our species survived and has reached the point we have where we aren't forced to hunt and gather for food. It's amazing that we are almost completely separated from seasonal impact - from the winter and summer.
I watched this documentary film recently. Some parts were choppy and it may have been longer than it needed to be. Maybe it would have seemed less choppy if I had seen it in 3D.
But the cave art was amazing. The notion that people 30,000 years ago had the time and wherewithal to paint animals on this cave - on any cave is inspiring. I suspect there is something about being human that inspires us to create art - to leave a legacy for our descendants. There is an urge towards communication - to find common understanding.
___________________________________________
I was having a conversation with my kids about whether or not cavemen were stupid. They claimed that cavemen were stupid. I suspect it's related to some tv commercial that makes that implication.
Anyway, I explained that cave people were probably not stupid. No one had made a spear before, but they had to figure it out. And use that spear to find food. They had to figure out what could be eaten - how to stay warm through the winter. That would have taken a great deal of intelligence. In the film, an anthropologist throws a spear replica. I'm grateful that I am not dependent on bone tools for food!
Upon further reflection, I remarked that their brains were probably smaller than our more modern brains. So they may have been a bit less intelligent.
But my awe still stands. It's amazing that our species survived and has reached the point we have where we aren't forced to hunt and gather for food. It's amazing that we are almost completely separated from seasonal impact - from the winter and summer.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
My September 11th rememberance
All this week, npr has been running a series remembering Sept. 11th, how Americans have changed, honoring those who died.
I was thinking about what I would like to remember, and what I want to convey about that day and the response.
In the days and years that followed, the 11th of September has taken on mythical proportions. I can respect and honor ceremony and ritual.
Yet I believe there are key points for future generations to remember, things I don't hear very often. For the record, I honor all those who lost their lives that day, in the days that followed because they were first responders, in the two ensuing wars; both military and civilian casualities.
There is a great episode of "Family Guy" where Lois is running for office. You can find the video on youtube under "Lois runs for office". She keeps trying to explain her position, which everyone ignores. Yet then she starts saying "9 - 11" and everyone keeps applauding madly. Americans might not have paid attention to these other parts of the world before, but it suddenly became unpatriotic to not display a flag*. Or to be skeptical of what was being sold when politicians invoked "9-11". It seemed like a disservice to everyone to use Sept. 11th to advance one's political agenda.
So what's it all about? What does it mean?
I was shocked when I heard about the second plane. I turned on the radio, and there was a discussion of coal mining until they broke into "morning edition" with the news.
I listened to the coverage, but I kept working. I checked websites, e-mail lists. At my work, some people went home, some people dismissed employees early, but some of us shouldered on.
I don't think I was the only person. I didn't work as hard as usual, but I didn't spend most of the day in the break room watching tv. Some of my co-workers did, many people did, and that's okay. I wasn't in New York or D.C. I didn't directly know anyone who worked in the Pentagon or World Trade Center.
And most importantly, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do here in the mid-west. It was a very scary time, most people would have been listening to the news when we heard about the plane at the Pentagon, and the flight in Pennsylvania. We weren't sure when (or if) another attack would come. Yet fear is not a great motivator for decision making, succumbing to fear helps no one.
Many people gave blood, money - I remember a theory that we should buy airline stock, since it would go down the first day the market re-opened.
Simply put, I have a lot of respect who did what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences. The people who did their jobs that day, those who went into burning buildings, who continue to fight in the wars, and those who support the troops. Also those who may support the troops but want to bring them home.
Some of us refused to be swayed from our primary purpose; whatever that is, whatever that means. We refused to spend more energy on what was happening in NY and our capital, that day, and in the weeks that followed.
It's not that we don't "mourn with those who mourn"; but I know there is a lot of evil in the world. There was evil before Hitler, before 2001, and evil still exists. The United States is certainly not the only country attacked by terrorists. We weren't the first, and we won't be the last either. If only that could be the case; if only saying it would make it so. And some of us know that two wrongs don't make a right.
I believe it is just as important, to everyone's memory, to spend as much energy as necessary in a crisis. And that will be different for each person. To continue to do what makes America great, what honors humanity. We can mourn, participate in ceremony, but in the end, I believe not being dissuaded honors everyone.
I don't think there has to be one reaction, and I still don't believe there was a right or wrong reaction that day, or in the weeks that followed. My point is, there was more than one reaction that day; there is more than one reaction to fear.
*I really appreciated David Foster Wallace's take on what happened on September 11th.
I was thinking about what I would like to remember, and what I want to convey about that day and the response.
In the days and years that followed, the 11th of September has taken on mythical proportions. I can respect and honor ceremony and ritual.
Yet I believe there are key points for future generations to remember, things I don't hear very often. For the record, I honor all those who lost their lives that day, in the days that followed because they were first responders, in the two ensuing wars; both military and civilian casualities.
There is a great episode of "Family Guy" where Lois is running for office. You can find the video on youtube under "Lois runs for office". She keeps trying to explain her position, which everyone ignores. Yet then she starts saying "9 - 11" and everyone keeps applauding madly. Americans might not have paid attention to these other parts of the world before, but it suddenly became unpatriotic to not display a flag*. Or to be skeptical of what was being sold when politicians invoked "9-11". It seemed like a disservice to everyone to use Sept. 11th to advance one's political agenda.
So what's it all about? What does it mean?
I was shocked when I heard about the second plane. I turned on the radio, and there was a discussion of coal mining until they broke into "morning edition" with the news.
I listened to the coverage, but I kept working. I checked websites, e-mail lists. At my work, some people went home, some people dismissed employees early, but some of us shouldered on.
I don't think I was the only person. I didn't work as hard as usual, but I didn't spend most of the day in the break room watching tv. Some of my co-workers did, many people did, and that's okay. I wasn't in New York or D.C. I didn't directly know anyone who worked in the Pentagon or World Trade Center.
And most importantly, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do here in the mid-west. It was a very scary time, most people would have been listening to the news when we heard about the plane at the Pentagon, and the flight in Pennsylvania. We weren't sure when (or if) another attack would come. Yet fear is not a great motivator for decision making, succumbing to fear helps no one.
Many people gave blood, money - I remember a theory that we should buy airline stock, since it would go down the first day the market re-opened.
Simply put, I have a lot of respect who did what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences. The people who did their jobs that day, those who went into burning buildings, who continue to fight in the wars, and those who support the troops. Also those who may support the troops but want to bring them home.
Some of us refused to be swayed from our primary purpose; whatever that is, whatever that means. We refused to spend more energy on what was happening in NY and our capital, that day, and in the weeks that followed.
It's not that we don't "mourn with those who mourn"; but I know there is a lot of evil in the world. There was evil before Hitler, before 2001, and evil still exists. The United States is certainly not the only country attacked by terrorists. We weren't the first, and we won't be the last either. If only that could be the case; if only saying it would make it so. And some of us know that two wrongs don't make a right.
I believe it is just as important, to everyone's memory, to spend as much energy as necessary in a crisis. And that will be different for each person. To continue to do what makes America great, what honors humanity. We can mourn, participate in ceremony, but in the end, I believe not being dissuaded honors everyone.
I don't think there has to be one reaction, and I still don't believe there was a right or wrong reaction that day, or in the weeks that followed. My point is, there was more than one reaction that day; there is more than one reaction to fear.
*I really appreciated David Foster Wallace's take on what happened on September 11th.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The walk of cultural shame
I heard this npr program about The Scarlet Letter the other day.
I read Hawthorne's novel back in high school, but somehow I never truly comprehended some of the overarching themes. I suppose that's why it's important to keep an open mind to literature discussions throughout one's life.
I doubt it was due to my English teacher, however. It's true that there are some additional things my Junior year English teacher could have mentioned, but I digress.
I do think the concept of shame and sin are difficult concepts for a teenager to understand. Granted, sometimes teens are underestimated, but there is life experience that can be necessary to gain true perspective (in my opinion).
Needless to say, on this program, the commentators compared the society of the Puritans with our current society. One of the things my English teacher missed was that Hawthorne was comparing his society with the Puritans as well.
I wouldn't have thought that we had a great deal in common.
The Puritans were a sober bunch, not celebrating holidays, not listening to music, strict laws on the Sabbath. Most Americans have lavish celebrations, and there are few businesses closed on Sundays or holidays any more.
But with recent alleged celebrity follies and their public apologies, perhaps there is more in common than initially appears. Is there a reason we (as a society) need to focus on other people's mistakes? That we need to feel righteous indignation? That we feel we need these celebrities to both apologize, and to suffer? I'm not excusing any mistakes, but is the rancor and venegence really necessary?
I simply agree with the npr panelist about the parallels between that world and some parts of our current world.
I read Hawthorne's novel back in high school, but somehow I never truly comprehended some of the overarching themes. I suppose that's why it's important to keep an open mind to literature discussions throughout one's life.
I doubt it was due to my English teacher, however. It's true that there are some additional things my Junior year English teacher could have mentioned, but I digress.
I do think the concept of shame and sin are difficult concepts for a teenager to understand. Granted, sometimes teens are underestimated, but there is life experience that can be necessary to gain true perspective (in my opinion).
Needless to say, on this program, the commentators compared the society of the Puritans with our current society. One of the things my English teacher missed was that Hawthorne was comparing his society with the Puritans as well.
I wouldn't have thought that we had a great deal in common.
The Puritans were a sober bunch, not celebrating holidays, not listening to music, strict laws on the Sabbath. Most Americans have lavish celebrations, and there are few businesses closed on Sundays or holidays any more.
But with recent alleged celebrity follies and their public apologies, perhaps there is more in common than initially appears. Is there a reason we (as a society) need to focus on other people's mistakes? That we need to feel righteous indignation? That we feel we need these celebrities to both apologize, and to suffer? I'm not excusing any mistakes, but is the rancor and venegence really necessary?
I simply agree with the npr panelist about the parallels between that world and some parts of our current world.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
New or Used
I purchased this coat my junior year of college (over ten years ago) . It has served me well. It was incredibly warm - and well made enough that goose down didn't leak everywhere. I had a coat that spewed feathers everywhere, and it drove me *nuts* - not in a good way. So this coat really was worth the investment.
I bought these shoes around seven or eight years ago. I don't remember exactly. They have lasted through lots of walks and two years of a gym membership.
The reason I'm writing about them is simply that I invested in a new winter coat and shoes today. These items will be retired, probably to some form of donation store.
Typically I don't buy new, and I can't say that I'm pleased with the research I've done into some clothing manufacturers.
Recently a friend of mine on a popular social networking site posted that she had taken the handmade pledge:
The Ethical Clothing Pledge: I pledge to only wear clothing that is one or more of the following: 1. Pre-loved 2. Handmade (preferably by me) 3. Reconstructed 4. Made with ethical / environmentally friendly materials 5. Made by a company with strong ethical policy & workers' rights
I believe that there are some items that it makes sense to buy new. Even if it's not ethical or environmentally friendly. I don't think that goes against the pledge either.
I need to do more research about the other categories - environmentally friendly materials or strong ethical policies.
My new coat and shoes do not fit with this pledge. But I will think about it for the future.
Some time ago, finding things that were handmade or discovering some company policies would take some time and effort. One would have to go to the library, look in journals - or subscribe to certain publications. Now, with the internet, these things are available at one's perusal. And you can't even argue about the cost, as many of the companies probably have discounts and sales.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Stealing from Medicare...
If you hadn't seen these protest signs - hysterical.
from the Huffington Post
I have strong opinions about health care reform, but I couldn't pass this commentary up.
from the Huffington Post
I have strong opinions about health care reform, but I couldn't pass this commentary up.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Since you asked: I'm a fan
I'll confess, I love Cary Tennis' advice column on salon.
I'll admit to having read lots of advice columnists before, but for some reason, I enjoy his column more than others. I suspect that it has to do with the boundary setting/expectation lowering/detachment that is often a part of his responses.
Here are two that I particularly like.
My ex grew her hair long for the new guy. I begged her to grow her hair long when we were together, but she kept it short. Why has she grown it out now?
For this first one, I can totally see this. Either that the ex did it realizing it would upset her first husband, or just because she felt like it.
Human relationships are really, really odd. If I've learned anything in the past, I've learned that. Motivations are complex for all sorts of things.
And - my mother is crazy, what can I do?
She has persecution complexes and paranoia, which is why she won't see a doctor!
For this one, I think it goes without saying why it speaks to me - I appreciate Cary's response. There's nothing you can do about a parent who won't help themselves. Sadly.
There are some things you can do, but you have to prepare for the consequences. And simply live your own life.
I'll admit to having read lots of advice columnists before, but for some reason, I enjoy his column more than others. I suspect that it has to do with the boundary setting/expectation lowering/detachment that is often a part of his responses.
Here are two that I particularly like.
My ex grew her hair long for the new guy. I begged her to grow her hair long when we were together, but she kept it short. Why has she grown it out now?
For this first one, I can totally see this. Either that the ex did it realizing it would upset her first husband, or just because she felt like it.
Human relationships are really, really odd. If I've learned anything in the past, I've learned that. Motivations are complex for all sorts of things.
And - my mother is crazy, what can I do?
She has persecution complexes and paranoia, which is why she won't see a doctor!
For this one, I think it goes without saying why it speaks to me - I appreciate Cary's response. There's nothing you can do about a parent who won't help themselves. Sadly.
There are some things you can do, but you have to prepare for the consequences. And simply live your own life.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Technology
We had another successful pitch in last night, complete with a fire in our backyard. I'm fairly certain that fires are illegal within the city limits. But our neighbors have been forgiving so far. I've loved tending and watching fires for many years. I'm not sure what it is, the process itself is relaxing for me.
I began studying Greek mythology with this book, which my fifth grade teacher had in her classroom.
What can I say, the notions of a strange belief system with gods and goddesses appealed to me. I liked the notion of a goddess who tended fire
see wikipedia entry on Hestia. I loved the idea of a ritual fire. Sadly, she didn't have many adventures or tales passed down about her exploits (unlike Ares or Athena).
I was simply musing the other day about how technology and fashion make entire trades and crafts obsolete. Keeping and tending fire is no longer necessary for survival. We have central heating and electric stoves for cooking. If we need to start a fire for pleasure, we have matches.
It's the same with glove makers. At one point, a woman wore gloves to everything. Countless novels from the nineteenth century have plots based on whether or not a character's gloves were in good shape or being worn. In The Awakening by Kate Chopin, I heard that holding hands without gloves was a euphemism for sex. Strange how at this point, society has few misgivings about two people holding hands.
Locally, I saw that another dry cleaning business went out of business the other day. With fewer businesses requiring formal suits, dry cleaning is not as necessary for a family or community. Fashion is changing. Anyone can now launder their own khakis and collared shirt. Irons and Ironing boards are no longer the tools of the mystics.
As an amateur cultural observer, it's interesting to sit back and watch these trends. How we lived then, how we live now.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Culture of Victimhood
I was watching "Meet the Robinsons" last weekend. It's an okay kids' movie, but there's one moment where the villain says: "I could take responsibility for my actions or blame you. I blame you."
We do ourselves a disservice when we dwell on the horrible things that have happened to us - and use them as excuses why we can't move forward. Or as an excuse for our behavior. Or try to enact elaborate schemes of revenge.
Let me explain what I mean, and what I'm not implying. I alluded to this post in my comments on Main Street Plaza.
First of all, I am not saying that a person shouldn't admit what happened, shouldn't talk about what has happened and deal with it in their own way.
Some life events and losses are devastating. There is just no getting around it. There are some things a person never recovers from. There are some things that a person remains angry, sad, frustrated, hurt about for their entire lives. And that's okay.
But - it's a sign of maturity when a person accepts responsibility for their own actions. At some point, you have to say "This happened to me. It s*cked. In fact, it REALLY s*cked." But you take ownership of your actions today. You choose to respond to what happened and to continue moving forward.
You commit to find meaning in your own life, in each day.
You commit to (the best of your ability) taking care of yourself and being healthy. To taking care of the people in your life that you are responsible for (where possible).
It's not about changing the world as we know it (although that would be great). For many of us, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.
Frankly, it's amazing (to me) that some people are still walking and talking. When you start reading about some of the struggles/losses/illnesses that some people have to put up with - it's inspiring.
As someone in my book club last week brought up - that's life. We all have difficult choices to make. We all have struggles and dreams - some dreams that might not come true. And some people seem to be born under a bad sign - just plain unlucky. And I'm just thinking of my own North American middle class privileged background. There are many who can do this and still are struggling for basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc.
That's just what I admire. When a person can accept what's happened, and still try to make something out of their life.
In our society, we seem to focus on the victim mentality. The popular media in particular cites events in a person's past as a harbinger of why something happened.
The news flash that no one discusses is that hundreds if not millions of people who suffer the same or similar trial and are able to accept it and don't commit crimes. They get an education. They keep their job. They vote. They raise their children.
The example I'll give is when parents' go through a messy divorce. The vast majority of adult children of divorce refuse to give up. They refuse to let that govern their life (even when their own parents made huge mistakes in the divorce). They go to therapy. They talk with friends. They work on it. And they are able to be productive members of society - they are able to have healthy, successful relationships.
Granted - each person, each event is unique and has its own set of circumstances.
Again - I don't think everyone is capable of this. But many are.
We can't get hung up on the causes for behavior - at some point we are all responsible for the adults we've become.
We do ourselves a disservice when we dwell on the horrible things that have happened to us - and use them as excuses why we can't move forward. Or as an excuse for our behavior. Or try to enact elaborate schemes of revenge.
Let me explain what I mean, and what I'm not implying. I alluded to this post in my comments on Main Street Plaza.
First of all, I am not saying that a person shouldn't admit what happened, shouldn't talk about what has happened and deal with it in their own way.
Some life events and losses are devastating. There is just no getting around it. There are some things a person never recovers from. There are some things that a person remains angry, sad, frustrated, hurt about for their entire lives. And that's okay.
But - it's a sign of maturity when a person accepts responsibility for their own actions. At some point, you have to say "This happened to me. It s*cked. In fact, it REALLY s*cked." But you take ownership of your actions today. You choose to respond to what happened and to continue moving forward.
You commit to find meaning in your own life, in each day.
You commit to (the best of your ability) taking care of yourself and being healthy. To taking care of the people in your life that you are responsible for (where possible).
It's not about changing the world as we know it (although that would be great). For many of us, it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.
Frankly, it's amazing (to me) that some people are still walking and talking. When you start reading about some of the struggles/losses/illnesses that some people have to put up with - it's inspiring.
As someone in my book club last week brought up - that's life. We all have difficult choices to make. We all have struggles and dreams - some dreams that might not come true. And some people seem to be born under a bad sign - just plain unlucky. And I'm just thinking of my own North American middle class privileged background. There are many who can do this and still are struggling for basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, etc.
That's just what I admire. When a person can accept what's happened, and still try to make something out of their life.
In our society, we seem to focus on the victim mentality. The popular media in particular cites events in a person's past as a harbinger of why something happened.
The news flash that no one discusses is that hundreds if not millions of people who suffer the same or similar trial and are able to accept it and don't commit crimes. They get an education. They keep their job. They vote. They raise their children.
The example I'll give is when parents' go through a messy divorce. The vast majority of adult children of divorce refuse to give up. They refuse to let that govern their life (even when their own parents made huge mistakes in the divorce). They go to therapy. They talk with friends. They work on it. And they are able to be productive members of society - they are able to have healthy, successful relationships.
Granted - each person, each event is unique and has its own set of circumstances.
Again - I don't think everyone is capable of this. But many are.
We can't get hung up on the causes for behavior - at some point we are all responsible for the adults we've become.
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