Fall Break

Maple leaves 2012

For the last two weeks  the kids have been on fall break; otherwise known as a time for rest and rejuvenation for the parents.  We are very fortunate that my in laws have been hanging out with the kids for most of that time (because I couldn't take two weeks off of work).

My husband and I spent the first week eating at restaurants we choose not to go to with the kids.  The restaurants include Peruvian, Belgian and relatively authentic Mexican.  Also doing chores that are much simpler without kids running around. 

I miss my kids, but the past few months have been incredibly, intensely busy.  And this situation is a win/win - my in laws get to spend quality time with their grandchildren, and I get some time off.

I wish all parents had this opportunity - I know quite a few parents who are tired and could use some time to themselves. They need time where they don't have to answer seven billion questions or argue about eating food or going to bed on time.  I love being a mom - but it can be exhausting.

For me, it also helps put things into perspective.  The past seven years have gone by quickly.  Everyone says that, but I've found it's true.  I suspect the next seven years will go by just as quickly - and my kids will be fourteen.  It's just as important (as always) to focus on the present and what I want to teach them now - developing a strong parent/child relationship now.   

Denial about Aging

I took an age-related medical test recently.  It was one of those tests that the medical community suggests that you take when you reach a certain keystone age. 

Fortunately, money is not a concern about the test (I have insurance; not great insurance but insurance). 

But I realized that I was uncomfortable about scheduling the test because of what it meant.  It means that I have reached the age where I have to schedule some age related tests. 

I wonder if that's part of the reason people shy away from getting such tests done.  Some people have philosophical issues about some medical testing (which I can understand and respect).  But rather I wonder if some of us are uncomfortable because of what that means about aging.  Some of us (myself included) would much rather be in denial that we're getting older, and that something will one day kill us. 

Does anyone want to admit that they're getting older, that they're not 23 any more?

I also finished The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.  It was an interesting book; her ability with language is amazing.  In it, her husband collapses and dies of a massive heart attack at dinner.

During one part of the book, she thinks back to what she knew, if she could have prevented him from dying. She remembers that he had a test in the 1980s.  One of his veins/arteries was clogged - the doctor said that it was something to watch. He said a nickname among doctors for that artery was "the widowmaker".  Didion's husband, John, wondered if it would one day kill him.  Joan responded that no one knows when their death will be, and in what form.  Yet that was exactly what happened, fifteen, twenty years later.

Sometimes, do we want to assume that we are different and unique? That whatever is hurting or harming someone else, won't harm us.  It's a teenager point of view that never really goes away.  

Driving

My husband's grandfather was involved in a car accident last week. He is in his 90s and he still drives. They were out driving in the country. He hit a pole head on - we think the car may be totaled (it looks totaled to me from the photos). He is having back problems, his wife (my husband's step grandmother) had to have pins put in her hand. We are lucky they're still with us.

Many of you might cringe, but for someone in his 90s, my grandfather in law is still fairly with it. He and his second wife have recently moved into an assisted living facility. That was an argument in itself, and they're still not completely comfortable with living there. And she (in particular) doesn't want him to give up driving.

At this point, we're praying that the insurer will no longer insure him. If not, things might get heated.

This is a difficult place to be in, and it will only get better. I am watching my in laws go through this with their parents, and in a few years I will be going through this with my own parents.

It's a treacherous dance, because these people are your parents. They raised you, changed your diapers, cleaned up your vomit. They've seen you at your worst. And (for the most part), they have been independent, responsible and supportive of you. Some parents (like my father for example), seem to refuse to listen to their children (me) on principle. I'm his daughter (as opposed to a peer) - so he takes everything I say with a grain of salt.

So you want to give them a way out, as an adult, with dignity. It just seems to get progressively more ugly. Sometimes with the older person getting angry and resentful of the people who care about them - simply because they are insisting that they are a danger to themselves and others. It's a rough place to be in. As I listen to my parents' struggles with their parents, I mention that one of the things they CAN do is prepare so we don't go through this again. (I'm hopeful, but the chances are 50/50 at best. I come from a long line of very stubborn people).

Sure, it's early to worry about this, but as you all know, I like to worry.

As far as my grandfather in law goes, I remember being told that driving was a privilege, not a right. This grated on my nerves at 16. I was the person who got their driver's license the day after I turned sixteen. I was thrilled to drive.

I do have some empathy for older drivers. I would hate not to drive. Unlike where my cousin chanson lives, I don't have many public transportation options. Or markets within walking distance. I am fiercely independent, the last thing I want to do is give up that independence. Depending on friends, relatives to drive me where I need to go.

But we have to face the facts. People get older. They lose response time. They lose hearing and vision. They may lose their memory or comprehension. It sucks. Sometimes, you're just not safe behind a wheel. If we're lucky, people are involved in accidents where they are the only ones injured. But what if others are injured, or killed? And, to be the economic rain on this parade, what about our collective auto insurance rates?

Any laws regarding senior driving or even testing someone every five years to see if they should still be able to drive would never pass. Seniors are an enormous voting block. This would be political suicide.

It's a problem that's not going anywhere. And with the baby boomers getting older, we will run into it more and more often. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

UPDATE 10/07 - The latest news is that my grandfather in law has now refused to continue driving and told his wife he didn't want to talk about it. (She had already spoken with a niece who would drive them to look for a used car next weekend). His comment was that he had done his best and he was done. We'll see where this ends up, but for now I think the entire family is reassured.

Privacy with Friends

Someone suggested the other night that in my group of friends, we really don't have any boundaries set.

At least in terms of medical tests/diagnoses.

To give an example, my husband told a mutual friend that we were expecting - about 6-8 weeks before I wanted to tell anyone. I think that was after he found out we were having twins. I just knew all the risks. Someone said they felt I was being morbid for not wanting to tell anyone. But the statistics show that 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage before eight weeks. And with twins, there are lots of risks, including the vanishing twin syndrome.

The friend my husband told worriedly confided in another mutual friend, who was offended that I hadn't told her first. hadn't told any friends at that point. I hadn't told anyone I worked with - especially since my pregnancy would impact everyone on my team at work (since I would probably take maternity leave, be gone for three months and they would have to pick up the slack). But it was still a messy situation.

On the other hand, I don't think it's reasonable to never talk about medical stuff with your friends.

There are a lot of good reasons to talk.

I am pretty open about being tested for cholesterol, and my high cholesterol diagnosis when I was in my late 20s. The way I see it, I would rather talk about it so that other people could get their cholesterol checked. Yes, the research on cholesterol is mixed, and high cholesterol by itself doesn't mean heart disease, but I would rather find out now and make changes in my diet/lifestyle sooner than later.

I heard of another good example of this on npr a few weeks ago. A young woman (featured in the "Nordie's at Noon" book) had started doing her monthly breast exams because of her friend's diagnosis. She found a lump and credits the fact that she's here today to her friend.

So, in a group of friends, it's nice to know about some things - to be supportive. I would hate to think of my good friends going through breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc. alone.

On the other hand, there are some things that are really no one else's business. It's hard to know though. Whether or not someone is going to therapy, for example. Whether or not someone is taking medication for depression. Sometimes, this kind of information can be helpful, and might encourage a friend to seek treatment where they hadn't before.

On the other hand, there is still a stigma attached to going to therapy and taking medication (see my related post here). I wish I could say that most of our friends didn't judge people on medical conditions,but unfortunately there is some judgement there. One person still reacts whenever I talk about my cholesterol that I shouldn't have been tested, shouldn't worry about it because I'm too young.

And while some of our friends don't care, I think there are some that do. It's just a fine line. And it gets even more complicated if job/hiring/firing type decisions come into play. Who knows whether or not one could experience discrimination about a potential job if they know that a potential candidate has gone to outpatient/inpatient therapy and have taken or are taking anti-depressants? Whether or not this attitude is right, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist and doesn't happen.

Just wanted to find out if anyone has set these types of boundaries with friends and how you might handle these types of things.

Mormons (and my family in particular) famously have little to no boundaries about anything, so learning more about what to share and what not to share could be a good thing.