Gratitude can help reduce stress

A meme on a certain social networking site is to list out all the things my friends are grateful for.

I think this is great.  I have some friends who are put off by the gratitude thing - perhaps seeing it as self-righteous or holier-than-thou.  Or perhaps that gratitude requires us to do something - compels us to some action.  I'm not sure I agree with that. 

Yet it appears that practicing gratitude can reduce stress and  help us focus on the positive rather than the negative.  It doesn't surprise me that our brains focus on the negative and threats. 

There is a crack in everything - that's where the light comes in

Our internal wiring is still that of 30,000 years ago - when paying attention to threats like bear attacks and weather related phenomenon helped keep our species alive.  Our brains still have that wiring, despite the fact that most of us will probably not have to face bear attacks in our lifetimes.  A podcast I listened to likened it to running modern software on the first computers - the kind that required punch cards to program.  Our brains haven't been upgraded.

So I do think about the things I'm grateful for - a lot.  I have a great deal to appreciate in my life. 

Maybe it's the Ukrainian/Eastern European in me - whatever may be going on, I know it could be so much worse! 

So I like reading about the people and things people are grateful for.  Everything from shoes to schools to children and health.  I'm grateful for science - that we can study this world and try to make sense of what's going on.  I'm grateful for good books.  I'm grateful that when our p.c. has been breaking recently - I know enough that I can open it up and install a new fan. 

Kids and Stress

Logically, I always knew that parents'  stress did sometimes reflect on kids.  That was my experience growing up.  As a parent, I hadn't thought seriously about my stress or its impact until I started seeing it in my kids. 

This past month (May) was very stressful for me, for many reasons.  And much as I tried to keep to a routine, much as I might try to keep things normal - some of that stress made it through.  Because I noticed my children's behavior and responses changed. 

Both of my kids were easily frustrated.  When I said no, when I couldn't do exactly what they wanted, when they wanted me to, they get (would get) mad.  And I realize this frustration is typical for their age.  It was just they were more frustrated than usual, and more demanding.  There are other, more personal signs as well.  Both easily burst into tears.  They slept a bit more (or woke up with bad dreams). 

So we're dealing with the stress pretty much the same way an adult deals with it (without the adult knowledge of "this too will pass").  We talk. I give them lots of space. If I can't do something, I patiently explain why, and what other options we have.  Sometimes this involves me asking them what I just said (in a calm manner) to see if the message sunk in. 

I make sure they have decompression time each day - some of which is just time spent watching tv.  Just as watching tv helps me to decompress, I think it also helps them.  I spend time with them each day, trying to be present.  Letting them know I love them.

I try to remember that they are young, they're not used to this stuff.  They need routine as much as anyone. 

It can simply be really hard to make promises, to give reassurance to one's children when there is no reassurance.  Some things are up in the air.  That's life. 

So far, they have been incredibly resilient.  And for that, I am very grateful. And I am working, diligently, on my stress level.  June should be a much calmer month than May, we don't have much planned.  We can spend time at the pool, and have lots of unplanned time.  Many of the stressful things are now not nearly as stressful or urgent, and for that I am also thankful.

providing

Like many people, I've found the instability in the job market and economy stressful. It's stressful in particular for me because I am the main breadwinner for my family. And as I've mentioned before, the situation with my current company is precarious.

I was reading Andrew S's post here about mormon men, women and careers.

I realized/remembered that I had actually started thinking about these types of things at fourteen and fifteen, while I was still mormon. My parents (quite liberal in LDS terms) had stressed the importance of education and of marriage to a good man, not necessarily a mormon. I was just realizing that I knew (even at that age) that I wanted to provide for myself. When you provide for yourself, there's a certain amount of control that you retain. You are still subjected to the whim of the corporation, and there are still a host of things you can't control.

In my case, I felt like at least I would know, no matter what, that I was employable and had experience.

Part of the reason I knew this was that I had watched my family (and my mother) through my own father's long unemployment. My mom was a SAHM to five kids when my dad was laid off (due to a crash in his industry, much like the current housing crash). She had a degree in social work, but no relative experience (at least from the past ten years). There was a lot of other stuff going on at the time but more than anything, that traditional model of a father providing (through the job he had a
degree in), mother working at home just was not working for my family.

At fourteen, fifteen, I knew without a doubt that I never wanted to be there if I could help it. There was this insane resentment loop where my Mom resented the fact my Dad had lost his job and couldn't provide - but yet it never seemed to me that the option was on the table that my Mom could go to work. This was right around the time that the mormon prophet (leader) from that time counseled all women to stay home and be mothers.

I suppose I still have some anger surrounding this entire experience - anger that my family was in this situation, anger that my parents were following bad advice (from my perspective, bad advice for them). Some of it was totally out ofeveryone's control,
and I have compassion for my parents that they were at least able to get through what happened. Some day I hope to be able to let some of that anger go - and I'm sure I'll get there. (I'll also figure out where the fear is in that situation, but that's a story for another day).

But yeah. Despite the current economic turmoil, I'm so glad I am not there (where my Mom was).

I know that what happens to me is really dependent on the choices I make, instead of the choices/actions of my spouse. In each situation, there is more that I can control than I realize (even if it's just changing my perspective). I can't say what's right for other people or other families. I just know this is the best path for me.

The fixer

As an engineer of sorts from a family of engineers...we like to fix things. We want to find a solution.

We want things to work logically and rationally. We want people to act logically and rationally. We want nature to follow patterns.

But life doesn't work that way.

My in laws currently have three to five inches of water in their normally dry basement. The water has been coming up through their drains since last week.

There is absolutely nothing I (or anyone else) can do about it.

I keep wanting to come up with solutions. To find out more about the water table in their area. To find out how much longer the water will keep coming in.

But I just have to accept that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this situation. My in laws have it under control. They don't need my help (or won't accept it). There is nothing they can do about this situation either. They keep reminding me, so many people have lost so much more.

I don't deal well (obviously, see here and here ) with this type of helplessness. And yet, so much of life is totally out of our control.

I guess in this particular situation, you would think it would be easier to accept what I cannot change and move on.

Worrying vs. Being Prepared

I'm going to date myself by quoting the Violent Femmes...

People worry
what are they worrin about today
seems like there's a good reason
to worry worry worry
I'd sit around listening to your story
if I wasn't in such a hurry hurry hurry
-Violent Femmes - Confessions



I picked up a copy of the "Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much" book as suggested by Julieann. There are some interesting thoughts. Some of it makes no sense - but I believe that's part of the whole meditation concept.

One of the entries dealt with worry - and how it is pointless. Typically, the things we worry about never come to fruition, so why worry about them? When sorrow happens, who can say that it was helpful to worry about it beforehand?

Needless to say, I disagree that worrying is pointless.

It should come as no surprise to my readers or friends that I worry. A lot.

I do come by it honestly - one in a long line of worriers.

A few weeks ago, my mother called in terror that we had been flooded (I'm sure that's not the correct English phrase, btw). There were lots of storms here in the midwest, and I'm sure there were people whose homes were flooded. Maybe they were two states over, but there was a lot of damage. Surprisingly, later that week, my grandmother (her mother) called with the same concern. Part of me thinks that both my mother and grandmother spend too much time watching the weather channel - another part of me knows that they just like to worry.

I agree that some worrying is pointless. Worrying about how your daughter/eldest granddaughter may or may not have a flooded basement is pretty pointless. To be fair, perhaps they worry about me since they know I can take care of myself.

There is a fine line between being prepared and worrying. When tragedy strikes (small or large tragedies) people typically say that they didn't see it coming. And truthfully, it doesn't make sense to worry about the worst case scenario - close family members dying, satellites falling from the sky, etc. Because the odds are that it will probably not happen (the satellites falling from the sky - close family members will die someday. It's just a matter of when).

Personally, I just can't seem to find that line. To separate the things that it's productive for me to worry about, and the things I can let go.

Does it make sense to be concerned about whether or not my kids will have a nap if we go to a family gathering on Sunday? Yes, because my kids without a nap can get angry and throw tantrums (and are just difficult to deal with. Trust me on this one).

But there are other dilemmas - whether or not some family members or friends will be at a gathering - if the friends who dislike one another will put up with each other. Will there be enough food? Will there be enough beer? Will there be food for the vegetarians?

And am I just being prepared by thinking about this beforehand, or am I worrying and possibly enabling?

What will be will be. I keep telling myself that, and sometimes I believe it.

Sometimes I actually find comfort in the prayer of serenity - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...I find comfort in it despite the fact that I'm not sure if I believe in God or even a higher power.

Sometimes it's not a great deal of help - but at times it does remind me to separate things into what I can control and what I can't.

Dealing with Stress

A friend once said, when sober is your altered state of consciousness, you might have a problem.

For me, not being stressed is a foreign concept. There is typically something I can find to be worried about. These things revolve around my work, my extended family, my kids and husband. When those things are going smoothly, I start thinking about more global problems, the war, politics, the environment, women's/men's rights, etc.

It's no secret that I don't do well with stress. Yet, I find myself worried most of the time.

I've found I try to not dwell on the things I can't change. There are little things I can do about the environment or the war. I can recycle and attempt to car pool. I can put those mercury filled light bulbs throughout my home. I can start thinking about how far my food and goods have travelled to get to me. For the war, I can continue to speak up among friends about my opinion and also vote.

But other than that, I try not to worry about larger issues. While I'm just one person, I can't fix the whole world. I only have so much energy.

It's the same with my family, extended family and my work. Many of the issues I face have been around for quite some time. They were around long before me, and they will be around long after me. On my good days, I recognize that it's up to people themselves to make changes in their lives. I can only make changes in my life and how I react to things.

This is a foreign concept to me and I work with it every day.

Growing up mormon, I was taught that I had control of other people's thoughts and reactions. Mormons are taught that they need to be "a shining beacon" to try and encourage non-members to join. To show them the truth.

Mormon parents and family members are continually guilt-tripped if family members are not LDS - they are almost directly told that it is their fault. They could have been doing more. This does not allow a friend or family member to make up their own mind. It's a sales technique, to make the sale so personal and rejection personal as well.

A non-mormon isn't rejecting mormonism, they are rejecting the person.

Obviously, all mormons do not agree with this. Some recognize it for dysfunctional. But many do feel this way.

I think I've mentioned it before, mine and chanson's grandmother asked me at the last family reunion if there was something that she had done to cause me to leave mormonism. I was floored - I had left years before. If anything, I would have stayed mormon (despite the fact I didn't believe it) because I knew how devastating my apostacy would be to her and my grandfather. In other words, the concept that individual mormons have control over other people's beliefs is alive and well.

The ways I know how to deal with stress are by eating well. I have been exercising. I've been going to therapy. Because, let's face it, sometimes it's not easy to live with or listen to someone who is working through huge issues. Sometimes it's good to have an outside person reflect and respond. I've tried to cut myself some slack.

So my kids watch Thomas the Tank Engine for the fortieth time this week. So we go out to eat or carry out most days and the dishes are piling up. It's not the end of the world. In the end, my mental health is important - by taking care of myself, I will be taking care of the other things. And it's the most I can do.