Four steps ahead

The last major altercation I had with my mother was over what my husband and his groomsmen were going to wear to my husband and my wedding. It was an interesting situation.

Basically, mormon men (of a certain age) almost always have access to suits. Most LDS American men (over the age of 18) have at least one suit - unless the family is destitute. And despite having no money for anything else, the family will scrimp and save to get the males in the family a suit for church and a possible mission.

So it was incomprehensible to my mother that the groomsmen in our wedding, all in their mid twenties, would not own suits. And that they would see no reason to buy or rent one for my husband and my wedding. And that we would not demand that they rent suits or tuxes for the wedding.

Around a month prior to the wedding, my Mom called me. She said she had found some gray tuxes (with tails) that could be rented for $100 each. She said she would even pay for them (a kind offer, this would not be a drop in the bucket for my parents). Now, gray tuxes will no doubt come back into fashion (as everything does!!) but they were not in style then.

I politely but firmly told my mother no. I said that this was my wedding and I was quite comfortable with the groomsmen wearing nice shirts and ties.

My Mom kept talking and getting progressively more distraught, saying things like, "Groomsmen have to wear suits in weddings!" and "How is it possible they don't have suits??!". And "it just won't look right".

Finally, at some point in the conversation, I said "Fine, maybe I just won't get married".

The point of this story is that in some ways, I take after my Mom.

Upon hearing that I was not going to get married, my Mom didn't say, "Oh, so you're breaking up?" or "Oh, you're moving out since you're not getting married?" or "Oh, so you're moving back in with us?" (three hours away, with no job).

My Mom says "Well, we can clean out the room in the basement..." (if you don't know my Mom, this comment is beyond classic for her. And I do love my Mom).

The subtext, fully, was all of those four things, that by not getting married, my then fiancee and I would break up, I would move out, quit my job and need to move back home.

My response was, "No Mom, I'm not moving out. We're just not going to get married."

That's when my Mom hung up the phone on me.

(My husband's friends wore nice matching shirts and ties and it looked great. From everything I've heard, no one noticed what they were wearing except people who had heard this story. And perhaps some mormon relatives who aren't used to men in their twenties not wearing suits.)
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The point of this post is that I too, often think four steps (or more) ahead. I'm an over-planner.

I think if x happens, or if someone feels a certain way, naturally other things will fall into place. I will have to do x, y and z.

That is not the case with life or with relationships.

It makes sense that I'm this way - that I try to anticipate what will happen. That I try to prepare myself, as I have been caught blindsided by life before.

The truth of it is, I can't prepare for everything. No one can prepare for everything. I can only trust in myself, that the best way to respond will become clear. That I will be open to new paths and new solutions and learn from my past and those that love me. And to attempt to enjoy life along the way - as who knows what tomorrow might bring.

Worrying vs. Being Prepared

I'm going to date myself by quoting the Violent Femmes...

People worry
what are they worrin about today
seems like there's a good reason
to worry worry worry
I'd sit around listening to your story
if I wasn't in such a hurry hurry hurry
-Violent Femmes - Confessions



I picked up a copy of the "Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much" book as suggested by Julieann. There are some interesting thoughts. Some of it makes no sense - but I believe that's part of the whole meditation concept.

One of the entries dealt with worry - and how it is pointless. Typically, the things we worry about never come to fruition, so why worry about them? When sorrow happens, who can say that it was helpful to worry about it beforehand?

Needless to say, I disagree that worrying is pointless.

It should come as no surprise to my readers or friends that I worry. A lot.

I do come by it honestly - one in a long line of worriers.

A few weeks ago, my mother called in terror that we had been flooded (I'm sure that's not the correct English phrase, btw). There were lots of storms here in the midwest, and I'm sure there were people whose homes were flooded. Maybe they were two states over, but there was a lot of damage. Surprisingly, later that week, my grandmother (her mother) called with the same concern. Part of me thinks that both my mother and grandmother spend too much time watching the weather channel - another part of me knows that they just like to worry.

I agree that some worrying is pointless. Worrying about how your daughter/eldest granddaughter may or may not have a flooded basement is pretty pointless. To be fair, perhaps they worry about me since they know I can take care of myself.

There is a fine line between being prepared and worrying. When tragedy strikes (small or large tragedies) people typically say that they didn't see it coming. And truthfully, it doesn't make sense to worry about the worst case scenario - close family members dying, satellites falling from the sky, etc. Because the odds are that it will probably not happen (the satellites falling from the sky - close family members will die someday. It's just a matter of when).

Personally, I just can't seem to find that line. To separate the things that it's productive for me to worry about, and the things I can let go.

Does it make sense to be concerned about whether or not my kids will have a nap if we go to a family gathering on Sunday? Yes, because my kids without a nap can get angry and throw tantrums (and are just difficult to deal with. Trust me on this one).

But there are other dilemmas - whether or not some family members or friends will be at a gathering - if the friends who dislike one another will put up with each other. Will there be enough food? Will there be enough beer? Will there be food for the vegetarians?

And am I just being prepared by thinking about this beforehand, or am I worrying and possibly enabling?

What will be will be. I keep telling myself that, and sometimes I believe it.

Sometimes I actually find comfort in the prayer of serenity - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...I find comfort in it despite the fact that I'm not sure if I believe in God or even a higher power.

Sometimes it's not a great deal of help - but at times it does remind me to separate things into what I can control and what I can't.