All Joy and No Fun review

There are two trendy ways to talk about motherhood, much like the virgin/whore dynamic.  Either one loves and cherishes being a mother every moment - or motherhood is the most difficult, soul-crushing experience  ever.  With that said, it's progress that anyone admits that parenthood is exhausting or difficult - for a while it was heresy to admit in many circles.

In All Joy and No Fun, Senior talks about how perceptions of parenthood have changed radically throughout the years.  It's no surprise that children and teenagers were viewed differently in the 19th century and before.  Children were seen as real assets to the family (in the assistance they could provide to the family)- not the current state where parenthood is a relatively conscious decision in later life.  She writes: 

Children are no longer economic assets, so the only way to balance the books is to assume they are future assets, which requires an awful lot of investment, not to mention faith.  

Not only has our perspective about child-rearing changed - we now have the choice about when and if to have children in the first place.  Then, we're told from a young age that we can be whoever we want to be - whether or not it's actually true.  Senior writes: "Even if our dreams were never realizable, even if they were false from the start, we regret not pursuing them".  

And I agree completely that this is one of the most difficult parts of transitioning from an autonomous adult to a new parent.  I had some idea of what I was in for (being the oldest of six), but not for how much I would lose.  What I lost is something I am gaining back (slowly) as my kids grow older - just simply being able to go out on Friday night and not worry about who would watch the kids and where the money would come from.  

I welcome this notion of the paradox of modern life - that many of us hold ourselves and our lives to a standard that was never possible (given current social norms, class mobility, opportunities, etc.)

I appreciated this book because it talks about social issues and attitudes that many middle-class parents face. In the early days, one can feel  alone. Parenting recommendations (and trends) change all the time - what worked for my grandma (give them cereal at three months) is no longer recommended.  Then there is the constant anxiety that one is not doing enough - not pushing one's children enough, not doing enough activities, etc.  This book helped me remember that losing myself, exhausting myself as a mom doesn't help me OR do my children any favors.  

As I've said before, I love being a mom.  Yes, it's hard work.  It is a high cost/ high reward activity.  

I'm glad that as a society we're drifting away from worshiping at the cult of motherhood - that women can now be honest about the impact of motherhood on their lives.  And my hope is that we can start to think about both parents being responsible for their kids (and how they turn out) - not just automatically blame the mother if something happens (this is the typical media bias).  It is our society/community as a whole who is also responsible.  

And to be aware that women (and parents) need to remember themselves and their mental health throughout the process - parents who are exhausted, not setting boundaries with their kids, not being present, not asking for help - are not doing anyone any favors.  

In which I put my foot in my mouth (pt. 2)

I attended the funeral of a friend's mother recently.  At the funeral, there was a blonde woman who looked incredibly familiar to me.  After we were introduced, I realized that we had gone to middle and high school together.  It is a small world (particularly in the suburbs).  She was my friend's cousin - the familial relationship which I had never realized.

We talked about our current lives (as one does).  For the record, in school, we hung out with completely different groups of people.  During the conversation I found out she has three children, and she works at home with them full time.

Perhaps it was because it was her aunt's funeral, perhaps it was just that she and I have always been completely different people with different values.  Most likely, it's that I often put my foot in my mouth.

I asked her what she did to keep busy.  She seemed taken aback and offended.  My husband jumped in (remember, he was a stay at home dad) and said - chasing after kids is enough!

What I meant to say was - what do you do for you?  What do you do outside of being someone's wife and mother?  What makes you fulfilled?

I suppose that this was a political question, even though I didn't mean for it to be.  And I wasn't trying to offend her.  What I was trying to acknowledge was that while being a stay at home mom is a full time job - each person should have their own interests.  Kids grow up.  And being able to be a full time mom is a privilege.

But it's not my place to tell someone else their choices are invalid, or to play the Cassandra.  Just because I would want to have outside interests, doesn't mean everyone has the same needs.  Later, I found out that she had loaned her car last week to my friend to help make arrangements.

And I couldn't help but think - when people work at home full time - this is how they're able to support their friends and family.  They have the resources to run the PTA, to take their kids to hockey practice and ballet - to pick them up from school.  To step up to the plate when others need help.

So perhaps it's political of me as well to acknowledge that these services aren't valued by our society (monetarily).  How many Moms do I know without adequate social security (because they were out of the workforce for years)? How many rejoin the workforce and make drastically less than their peers (working at jobs far below their education)?  These issues are very complicated, and it's not for me to approve or disapprove of another person's choices.

I was just struck about how off base my assumptions were, and that my question (which was meant to be supportive) turned out so poorly.

Fall Break

Maple leaves 2012

For the last two weeks  the kids have been on fall break; otherwise known as a time for rest and rejuvenation for the parents.  We are very fortunate that my in laws have been hanging out with the kids for most of that time (because I couldn't take two weeks off of work).

My husband and I spent the first week eating at restaurants we choose not to go to with the kids.  The restaurants include Peruvian, Belgian and relatively authentic Mexican.  Also doing chores that are much simpler without kids running around. 

I miss my kids, but the past few months have been incredibly, intensely busy.  And this situation is a win/win - my in laws get to spend quality time with their grandchildren, and I get some time off.

I wish all parents had this opportunity - I know quite a few parents who are tired and could use some time to themselves. They need time where they don't have to answer seven billion questions or argue about eating food or going to bed on time.  I love being a mom - but it can be exhausting.

For me, it also helps put things into perspective.  The past seven years have gone by quickly.  Everyone says that, but I've found it's true.  I suspect the next seven years will go by just as quickly - and my kids will be fourteen.  It's just as important (as always) to focus on the present and what I want to teach them now - developing a strong parent/child relationship now.   

Mom, Can I...

Sometimes I love overhearing parents talking to their kids. 

The other day we were at the gym, sitting near some vending machines.  Each time I walk past these machines with my kids, we have a conversation about it.  One or both will ask me for something.  There's even an elaborate conversation about it, sometimes with an offer to "pay me back" for whatever they decide to purchase.

Anyway, it was great when I heard a mom walk by with her kids, and I heard the same conversation.  The kids asking (almost whining) for something from the vending machine.  The conversation went like this: "No, not today." 
"Come on Mom, please?" 
"No, come on, let's keep going".  Not angry or frustrated, just a calm response. 

It just feels like reinforcement as a parent, to realize that every parent answers these questions.  Every parent of young children may have these conversations on a daily basis.   

Being an adult sucks sometimes

When I was a teenager, I wanted nothing more than to be on my own, to make my own decisions.  At times, I am incredibly grateful to be an adult, in charge of when I go to sleep and what to eat.  I get to make my own rules.

Then there are months like this past month.  My son was at a day care provider; he attempted a cartwheel and hit his head.  He couldn't remember if he had blacked out or not. His direct quote was "everything was dark, I couldn't tell if my eyes were closed".  A large goose egg bruise was growing on his head.  It was late at night (around 10).

The last place I wanted to be was in the emergency room with him.  Not only because it was late, but also because of the expense with our current insurance.  So there was no one really to ask - it was my husband and my decisions.  I took him to the ER, my husband stayed home with our daughter.

My son is fine, no lasting damage.  He doesn't even have a bruise any longer.

___________________________________________________

M stretched out sleeping

And our cat M is declining rapidly. Last fall he lost half his body weight.  At first I thought he didn't like the cat food, but it was more than that.  We took him to the vet and ran tests.

He began eating soft food, but the tests showed liver disease.  The vet said usually when cats are sick, they stop eating.  So he was an anomaly.  Even the vet repeatedly called him an enigma.  It made me smile, he's always been an enigma and a cat unlike others. (He plays fetch, he's generally good-natured and social).

So other the past month, his health has further declined.  He hasn't lost more weight, but he scratches patches of fur from behind his ears and on his front paws.  He is a shade of yellow.  And he's been incontinent (which I won't go into here).  He also has thyroid problems.

This is another time it would be nice to have someone make this decision for me.  But it's all me - the buck stops here.  My husband and I can let his health continue to decline, listen to him meow (it sounds like crying) all day - or let him go.  We could spend thousands of dollars treating and diagnosing him, only to lose him after a great deal of pain.

So we've decided to let him go.  This sucks.  I'm angry and sad.  I knew this day was coming, but I didn't think it would happen like this.

My week as the parent of a singleton

Through a random series of events during fall break (too confusing to detail here), my daughter spent the week with my in laws, and my son spent the week with my husband and me.  Musing more on large families, I did notice the difference between caring for one versus two.

Some of the differences were obvious and simple mathematics.  There was less laundry.  I only had to wake up one child instead of two children.  I had to follow up with one child about eating their vegetables instead of two.

Others were not so obvious.  I had more time to talk with my son.  With two children, the conversation is often hectic.  I'll talk with one, but the other will comment or respond (or bring up something completely different).  My son, on the whole, had a good week.  He missed his sister a bit, but not so much that he was inconsolable.  My daughter had a good time on her own as well.

So my theory, from this experience and others, is that each child adds an exponential amount of work for parents.  It's not as simple as buying in bulk.  I agree with chanson that parents have finite time and energy. 

That's not to say that all parents should have one child to devote all their time, energy and attention to.  If they do, that's great. As long as the only child learns to interact with their peers, to develop and maintain relationships and doesn't believe they are the center of the universe.  (All of these are great goals for any children, regardless of siblings or lack thereof). 

Being other focused, and taking other people's feeling and opinions into account are important skills.  Also, being responsible and self-reliant, in other words, not falling into snowflake syndrome. 

Because I have two children, I have the opportunity to do things with my kids that my parents were not able to do with six.  There are many reasons for that, my parents' temperament and the nature of my family growing up. Things like going to pre-school are possible. 

And it's certainly not a competition between my parenting and that of my parents.  But it simply makes sense that with two children, a parent has the financial and physical resources to do more than they would with six.  Will those additional opportunities benefit my kids?  I have no idea, I certainly hope so. 

My daughter is back home now; we are back to wrangling two six year olds and keeping up with non linear conversations.  My feelings about the week were a bit like my feelings when we separated my twins into different cribs when they were four months old.  They had slept in the same crib before that time.  I was sad, and concerned that it would impact my kids.  Both my son and daughter thrived in separate cribs, however.  They slept much better without a sibling moving around and waking their other up. 

Sometimes I think the milestones or significance is more about me than it is about them.

Large Families

I've been meaning to write this post (or a similar one) for awhile now.  Each time I try to reasonably explain my points, I find myself getting fairly emotional about the topic.

As many of my readers already know, I'm the oldest of six.  And from what I've read, my experience is not all that unique.  I fit the stereotype of an oldest daughter of six...and there is a reason there is a stereotype!

From my experience, I think it's safe to say that I disagree with the practice of large families.  I will define a large family as six children or more.

If a person has a choice, I think choosing to limit family size is a good idea. 

Here are my two reasons why:
1 - The older children end up raising the younger children
I struggle with this, because I understand the notion of a family sacrificing together, trying to make the most of it.  I don't think children should be handed everything they want, I don't think children should be fully shielded from the world.

But in general, it is simply unfair to have too many children that you (or your spouse) can take care of, where you will depend on an older child to do a portion of the day to day parenting.    In other words, the excuse of  - we can care for this many children because the older children help out!

It's not fair to the older children.  They have a right to be children.  They didn't choose to be parents at the age of eight or ten or twelve.  They don't need to be changing diapers or helping with homework.

There are other, better ways to teach children how to be other-focused. So children can focus on themselves and becoming successful people - not focused on making sure their siblings are cared for.

There are advantages that I've had from being the oldest child who filled the void.

But I don't think this "the older children will take care of the younger ones" should be used as a defense of your choice to have more children than you can physically, emotionally or financially support.  It is irresponsible and doesn't always lead to a good outcome. 

2 - A disproportionate number of women are negatively impacted by this choice.
This was pointed out in this slate article, and I agree. It's easy, as someone who is not raising children day to day - to idealize large families.  But if you're not participating in the day to day, I don't know that you really know what it's like.  I was the oldest daughter, and I have a good idea what parenting a large family is like.  But I don't really *know*. 

In traditional male/female families, I think women are negatively impacted by large families.

Some women have boundless energy.  Some families are able to support a large number of children and have enough financial, physical and emotional resources to be good parents.

But there are just as many women who are stretched too thin by having too many children.  They are not able to focus on all their children's physical and emotional needs, much less their own.  They may not be able to support themselves and their children if they lose a spouse or are divorced.  Raising six or more kids is a lot of work, and the idea that "it will pay off" is not always true.  What does that mean anyway?

Pregnancy is hard enough - much less all the diapers, homework, economical, healthy meals, etc.  In the traditional family, the father usually has to work so hard to support the large number of children - they are typically exhausted themselves.

It's not up to me, of course, and I have no control over this choice or other choices that people make.  I'm just a blogger on the internet, spouting my personal opinion.

But I have some knowledge about this particular subject, and I don't think it's selfish of people to decide to not have children or to have smaller families.  My own personal theory is that there can be stronger family bonds if the parents are able to be present, and not hopelessly overworked all the time.

Limiting a woman's fertility has been one of the best gains for women in the last century - and I wholeheartedly agree.

Parents have a responsibility to themselves, to all their children and to the planet to be mindful of their fertility choices.  To ignore those responsibilities is short sighted at best, and neglectful at worst.

too much

I swear, I was never a huge Dave Matthews Band fan, but it was on all the time during my years in college.  Hearing the songs from the mid-90s albums really takes me back.  The song Too much was on this album, Crash. 

A good friend pointed out to me that I tend to do too much, and then get sick.  And, what drive me even more bonkers is that it's true! 

There really appears to be a correlation there.  Perhaps it's that I'm not good at taking a break (at all), and that even when I set boundaries, I still feel guilty about saying no. sigh. 

My kids are missing the birthday party of a friend this weekend, and I feel guilty about that.  Even though we had plans, even though it's really okay when I think about it logically.

It is hard to be a mom, a wife, a friend, a family member and work full time.   Not to mention the things I want to do outside of my relationships.

Some days I feel like I have balance, and other times I just can't find it. I keep trying to prioritize, and some days that works. 

Fortunately, I just keep looking at what I'm doing, and think what can I let go of.  What can I stop doing.  And there are always things there. I keep thinking this adult thing, this mom thing will be effortless, that I'll be able to do everything I want to.  And it's just not possible. 

Death of a child

Are there worse things than the death of a child?  That's what I was asking myself earlier this week.  I can think of a handful of worse things, but the death of a child is pretty damn horrific.

I attended the wake of a young toddler a few days ago. The child was a relative of a co-worker; I had never met the child before.

The weight of the sorrow, the sadness and horror of it all is overwhelming.  As a parent, this is your worst nightmare, you turn your back and your child is gone.  There are few words to describe how sad it was.  The tiny coffin is heartbreaking.

My friend was doing as best as you can, but the child's mother looked like hell.

I think it's safe to say that hell on earth is losing your child so young.  It must sound like an exaggeration, but I don't think so.  I don't want to describe more of what I saw, more of the pain - it's a little like child birth, you want to distance yourself from the pain and forget as soon as possible (for self protection).

_________________________________________________

So I can certainly imagine why the idea of sealing families was so appealing to early mormons, and continues to bring people to the LDS church today.  When you've experienced a loss so enormous, so unimaginable, a person might do anything to feel better.  You do anything to believe that death can be cheated.

My friend's family is not mormon, and there is no way I would bring this up at such a hellish time (I hope that goes without saying).

Yet I believe there is a strong, human impulse to comfort, to say that the loved one is in a better place, that we will be with them again.  And who am I to get in the way of that?  I have no answers.

For my non mormon readers, Joseph Smith said he had a vision of his brother Alvin*, and he encouraged him to start performing baptisms and sealing ordinances by proxy.  This would get around the religious questions of the time - what would happen to someone who died before they heard of mormonism, or who wasn't "saved".  All of a sudden, it didn't matter if your loved one wasn't mormon or around to be mormon, you could still be with them in the afterlife.  Of course, there are all sorts of caveats, but for such loss, it makes sense that families would do anything to dull the pain.

Some of the caveats were that the baptism needs to be performed with people here on earth, who have physical bodies.  Mormonism has a unique emphasis (to my mind) on the physical body.  It has to be done in the mormon temple, where only the most worthy mormons can enter.  The baptized, deceased person (in the mormon version of purgatory) would then be free to accept the baptism, and then eventually be married (by proxy) and be in heaven with their family.  The exact details are confusing, and can cause hours of debate with some circles of mormons (I could link to faithful mormon discussions here, but choose not to).  But the point of all this is the ability to feel some slight comfort in the face of such sadness and grief.

This is simply what I was thinking about, after watching such a loss from the outside earlier this week.

*I found this article on the mormon curtain that discusses Alvin's death. The article is about 2/3rds down the page by Steve Benson.  I haven't checked the references, so please take this with a grain of salt.  It certainly seems very plausible to me that at Alvin's funeral, the minister did not give comfort to Joseph Smith's family and that later, the idea of baptism by proxy was more attractive.

Stay at home parenthood hindsight

Some friends/acquaintances of mine may be embarking on stay at home parenthood.  I have some thoughts about this endeavor.  Honestly, I think my thoughts are more about parenthood in general.

Live and learn, right?  These are some things I wish I had known before having kids.  These are some conversations I wish I had had before having one parent (not me) stay home with our kids.  Yet I don't know that anyone could have told me this, experience is really the best education, right?

I appreciate (greatly) the time my husband spent with our kids while I worked outside the home.  I think it was the right decision for our family.   

Many people make different decisions and that's okay. 

I really appreciated this guardian article about working moms - basically showing that factors for success in kids have much more to do with the stability of their parents and financial stability.  Whether or not both parent(s) work is not as high as a factor.

Before the twins were born, I remember my husband and I talked with a friend who said that nothing changed when they had kids, or that they wanted as little to change as possible. 

Ideally, yes, I thought that's what I wanted.  I didn't want to stop going out to eat occasionally, stop hanging out with friends.  And we haven't stopped those things.  

But we have limited how much we eat out, and how late we stay out hanging out with friends.  Both of those things are actually pretty important for kids.  Kids need to have parents who put them (the kids) first. 

Fortunately, both my husband and I are there. I think staying out until 3 in the morning gets old when you reach your 30s, and I think kids sometimes speed that process along. 

So, the first thing I wish I had known was yes, things change when you have kids.  And that's the way it should be. 

It doesn't mean that a person should no longer have a life outside of their kids (at all).  It just needs to be in moderation.

The second thing is, I wish I had done better about dividing responsibilities for child care and for house care with my husband.  I think this line is very difficult to draw for many couples, and many parents. 

Someone always ends up cleaning the toliets, or paying for someone to clean toliets.  That's just life.

My advice?  Parents or a couple need to work constantly on who is responsible for what, and making things equitable or as equitable as possible.  All the housework, maintenance should not fall on one parent or the other.  I know this sounds obvious, but day to day it can be difficult to navigate.

Third - I wish we had talked more about how to handle the situation when one parent is sick. I can't find my post, but it can be really hard to find a babysitter you trust.  It was really hard to find a babysitter - and I'm still not sure we have a person, during the school year who can watch our kids as "drop in".  That service barely exists - if at all. 

It's not right or appropriate that the stay at home parent simply "work through" the illness.  So figuring out a good mix is important.  This is where extended family and grandparents come in - but if a person doesn't have that, it can be difficult.

Fourth - Pre-school was a great option for our kids.  I am so glad we did parents' day out.  I highly recommend it for any parents who stay home. 

Some people feel that kids are pushed to do too much too early; they lament that preschool has become mandatory.  I do not believe pre-school is mandatory, but it is a great resource for kids and families.  For my kids, it has helped make the adjustment to full day day camp and kindergarten almost seamless. 

Finally, I think these need to be constant conversations between a couple.  Re-visiting, re-evaluating factors in stay at home parenthood.  There are costs involved in both parents' working, in one parent working outside the home - including costs to both parents, to the kids, etc. 

Who cleans the toliets?  Who changes diapers?  Who puts the kids to bed each night?  All of these things can be re-visited and should be re-visited if either parent wants to re-evaluate. 

I've heard feedback from other parents that one parent felt really strongly about the stay at home parent issue.  And that's great.  It still needs to be a mutual decision that can be re-evaluated by the couple.

Kids and Stress

Logically, I always knew that parents'  stress did sometimes reflect on kids.  That was my experience growing up.  As a parent, I hadn't thought seriously about my stress or its impact until I started seeing it in my kids. 

This past month (May) was very stressful for me, for many reasons.  And much as I tried to keep to a routine, much as I might try to keep things normal - some of that stress made it through.  Because I noticed my children's behavior and responses changed. 

Both of my kids were easily frustrated.  When I said no, when I couldn't do exactly what they wanted, when they wanted me to, they get (would get) mad.  And I realize this frustration is typical for their age.  It was just they were more frustrated than usual, and more demanding.  There are other, more personal signs as well.  Both easily burst into tears.  They slept a bit more (or woke up with bad dreams). 

So we're dealing with the stress pretty much the same way an adult deals with it (without the adult knowledge of "this too will pass").  We talk. I give them lots of space. If I can't do something, I patiently explain why, and what other options we have.  Sometimes this involves me asking them what I just said (in a calm manner) to see if the message sunk in. 

I make sure they have decompression time each day - some of which is just time spent watching tv.  Just as watching tv helps me to decompress, I think it also helps them.  I spend time with them each day, trying to be present.  Letting them know I love them.

I try to remember that they are young, they're not used to this stuff.  They need routine as much as anyone. 

It can simply be really hard to make promises, to give reassurance to one's children when there is no reassurance.  Some things are up in the air.  That's life. 

So far, they have been incredibly resilient.  And for that, I am very grateful. And I am working, diligently, on my stress level.  June should be a much calmer month than May, we don't have much planned.  We can spend time at the pool, and have lots of unplanned time.  Many of the stressful things are now not nearly as stressful or urgent, and for that I am also thankful.

What you do speaks so loud

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a parent and a person, there are many things I try to be mindful of.  Sometimes it seems like we get so caught up in whatever is going on, with "fighting fires" - there isn't time to think about where we spend our time and what we value. 

Being a parent (and a concerned person) is a difficult thing to be.  You want to be the best you can be, you want to spend as much time making sure that your children have a safe, healthy and happy environment.  Or as a person, that those less fortunate have increased opportunities - or to give back the gifts you've received.  You want to be a contributing member of your community and society in general.

Not, of course, at the expense of our own health and well-being.  So that's the balancing act. 

I've been meeting friends for coffee every few weeks. It's nice, really nice actually.  My daughter, ever inquisitive, asks me about them, asks me why I go. I want to keep some friendships, some notion of myself through this process of being a mom and a full time employee. 

What I hope my actions are saying is that I spend a certain amount of time, each day, every weekend focused exclusively on my kids.  And some of the time I spend without them, is good for both of us.  They learn some independence - interact with other people - and I'm able to get some perspective (breathing room).

So I think each parent deserves a certain amount of time to themselves, to pursue their own interests.  The line is difficult, however, because things can swing the other way - a person can become too self-absorbed.  And not meet their children's basic needs.  But what a person really does show what they value.

The older I get (I really need to start a "the older I get" tag) the more I realize that what a person does is just as important as what they claim to value.  That's not a stick for a person to beat themselves up with ("I should be doing more for the country, the environment, my kids, my friends, etc.). 

It's just something to think about - what are the consequences of my actions?  What does this say to loved ones?  And to continuously think about and re-evaluate.  There are no easy answers.

It's not easy being a parent - understatement of the year...

I don't, honestly mean for this post to sound whiny.

I love being a parent. I sincerely do.

But it is difficult to be a parent, and even more importantly, difficult to be a conscious and aware parent.

There are other difficult things in life. Joining the military, getting a Masters or PhD, passing the bar, rebuilding a motorcycle, putting a roof on a house.

Yet with each of those things, there's a fairly standard way to do them. Typically, you don't have well-meaning family, friends, strangers telling you "UR doin' it wrong" (in LOLspeak).

There isn't an entire section in a book store entitled "How to go to grad school".

And if there is a section about how to re-build a motorcycle, the advice in those books is not contradictory.

I suppose contradictory parenting advice is nothing new. When my twins were babies, we read some of the sleep books - which were incredibly contradictory. Never wake the baby up, wake the baby up, co-sleep, don't co-sleep, keep your house silent, do everything you normally do (don't turn off your phone, etc.)...

I read this article in the NY times earlier this week, and I'm still thinking about it. Because really, I want to be a good mom (don't most people want to be good parents??). That is one of my goals. I want to be thoughtful and loving - I want to raise a child who will be a good, productive citizen.

And I am willing to change canoes mid-stream - I'm willing to re-evaluate what I was doing and change how I parent. I realize I can't control my children, but I can control my self and learn as much as I can.

I also know that each parent is different, and each child is different. Perhaps that's part of the reason for those contradictory parenting advice books.

I believe children need lots of love, but I also believe they need boundaries. Because the world is full of boundaries, which people use to protect themselves.

And the other two irrefutable truths are 1 - you can't always get what you want and 2 - sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do. (What that stuff is that you don't want to do is debatable, and a subject for many additional posts). It's not that I can never give my children things they want, or that I have to always force them to do things they don't want to.

So what's a parent to do? There has to be some way of enforcing boundaries. There are rules, like no hitting, that have reasons behind them. Or requests, like eating one's vegetables. So when one of my children hits the other, or calls the other person "an idiot" (both of which have happened) - as a parent, it is up to me to step in. And usually that involves one person or the other apologizing, and possibly sitting in time out. Or having a favorite toy be put in time out.

Which is why the above article was very difficult for me to read. I hate the idea that my children may feel that I didn't love them unconditionally because I put them in time out.

I don't know what we would do as a family (for consequences) without time out as an option to
enforce boundaries.

We (my children and I) did have a conversation about calling people "idiots" the other day. I asked the person who called their sibling an "idiot" how *they* would feel about being called that name. They admitted that they wouldn't like it.

Sometimes my kids get out of control. They're four. It happens. Sometimes I get out of control. Sometimes I just need a minute to myself to re-collect my thoughts and breathe.

So, I'm going to read the book by the author of the article. I'm going to think about it. In the end, however, I'm still going to set boundaries with my kids, and reasonable expectations.

Not hitting your sibling is a reasonable expectation.

So glad I waited to have kids

I've just been feeling prolific lately. I wonder what I'm avoiding. hmmm...

____________________________________________________

I was recently reading this post (on a believing mormon blog) about the mormon counsel to start a family as soon as possible.

I respect that many people have had different paths and made different decisions. And with family planning, sometimes the decision is made for a person or family.

I have to say, I personally am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.

My path was different from the typical mormon path. My husband and I waited four years after beginning to date to get married. So when we got married, there weren't a lot of surprises. We waited eight years to start a family after beginning to date.

Turns out he and I are one of the incredibly fortunate couples who were fertile. We were able to get pregnant very soon after stopping birth control. And to get pregnant with twins without using fertility drugs.

Some good friends of ours have been trying to get pregnant for over five years. My heart goes out to them, as I know their journey has been very difficult. From everything I've read, infertility is one of the more difficult things for anyone to face, for any couple to face (aside from long term illness/a terminal illness in a partner). So I do know most days just how lucky I am.

But for me, I am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.

I was able to go back to school, to take night classes and get an additional associates degree on top of my bachelors. That has increased my earning power and job options. We had insurance when the twins were born. While dealing with the insurance company, doctors and hospitals left much to be desired - at least we had that insurance and were not thrown to the whims of medicare/medicaid. I had a job that gave me short term medical leave while I was on bed rest for six weeks, and then paid leave after my babies were born.

So in addition to the more established insurance and career I had because we waited - as a
couple, my husband and I were also up to the challenge of twins. I won't lie, our relationship has been a lot of work and definitely had some challenges. But I can't imagine throwing children in before we were able to resolve issues about expectations and communication. When we started out life together, I had many expectations about what it meant to be a husband and in a relationship. Over the years, I've adjusted those expectations to be more in line with reality - but to still meet my own needs. It is a balance.

There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband and I had children shortly after marriage (or after dating), we would not be together. Or, at least, we would not be as happy and able to work through issues as we are. It would be hard to focus on our kids and give them all the love and attention they need without first having focused on ourselves.

Finally, both of us have been able to establish friendships (and maintain those friendships) outside of parenthood. We've been able to establish and maintain interests outside of our children. If we had started a family early, that would have been much more difficult - as children tend to take all of a person's energy and attention. We have good friends who have become honorary relatives (aunts and uncles) for our kids. I'm sure all this could have happened if we had kids at a very young age (22, 23).

But I watch my own parents (who started a family at 22, 23) and I think they were at a disadvantage to find these things. It's hard to find the energy to go back to school, to work on a relationship (and mutual interests), to work on finding friendships when you have a young family. The nice thing about waiting, for me, was that I remember (some days vaguely) what life was like before my toddlers were born. And I know that some day, they will grow up and leave home - and I will get to pursue those interests again. It's pretty thrilling - raising children is just one of many exciting, worthwhile things I get to do with my life.

Tastes like bagels

One of the parts of parenthood that I'm getting used to is that despite one's best intentions, some conflicts still occur.

I had every intention of raising four year olds who would eat all sorts of vegetables, from asparagus to zucchini. I was not going to be the mom who struggled trying to get her children to eat their veggies. I've read lots of books. I've tried recipes from lots of books. And yet here we are.

Turns out they are just as (picky) discerning as I was as a child.

Needless to say, we still ask them to try everything on their plates. They don't have to clear their plates, they don't have to eat cold mac and cheese in the morning, but they at least need to try various foods.

It was stunning at their last checkup, when the doctor asked my son what his favorite food was, he said beans. I thought - who are you, and what have you done with my son??!? But he does appear to like green beans, the fresh green beans that we steam with a little olive oil and salt.

My husband made couscous the other night. It took awhile before anyone was hungry, but eventually the statement was made, "we can't go outside until you eat your couscous". My daughter tried it, and exclaimed "it tastes like bagels!"

I'll explain. My son likes bagels, a lot. So whenever he tries something and likes it, he says it tastes like bagels - whether or not it actually tastes like a bagel.

With each new food we introduce (and re-introduce), and remind them that they have tried before and liked the last time they tried it...we work towards a more diverse mealtime. Maybe someday we'll be able to try falafel.

only the good news

News sources are fascinating to me.

Major media outlets seem to focus only on crisis - what sells papers. And - it turns out that crisis doesn't even sell newspapers any longer. Maybe we're still on an economic downturn, but we're not in the soup lines yet. Well, not 25% of us...which I thought I remember someone predicting. (this reminds me of the tag - everyone panic - yeah, the media can sometimes feed that anxiety).

On the other hand, the public media does a tremendous service by holding institutions accountable. It's that whole boundary thing - if you know that your moves could be on the front page of some newspaper or internet news website, you tend to be a little more careful about the job that you do/decisions you make.

Then, on the flip side, there is my family (particularly extended family). I've purposefully kept myself out of the loop on some things for some time.

But I'm always fascinated by the need to focus on the good news only. As if only good things happened to all of us. As if there wasn't a lot that many of us struggle with on a daily basis. (I forgot, I wouldn't be struggling with anything if I were still mormon, LOL).

I'm not saying everyone's laundry needs to be broadcast with people you haven't seen in five years, but someone having a child? Whether or not they are married? I think that is a celebration, something to be celebrated if the person feels that way.

Who cares whether or not that person is or is not mormon. Whether or not that child is BIC (born in the covenant, i.e., born to mormon temple going parents).

Not sure why I'm struggling with this at the moment - in my heart I know it's business as usual for certain members of the family. I need to accept it and move on.

I guess I'm just saying, it's not fair that we only want to talk about what we understand, process the data that fits in with our beliefs and understanding.

So much is outside of my own understanding.

So I'll work (more) on minding my own business and showing people support where I can (hello random extended family members if you've stumbled on this blog!).

I get that life isn't always sweetness and roses. We all have our different ways to find happiness. And wherever we are currently, this too shall pass - it's a cliche but life is bittersweet. Often.

Basic Skills

My Mom had some skills she wanted us to learn before we were adults. They were (in no particular order):

1 - Learn how to type
2 - Learn how to drive (and drive a manual transmission - stick shift)
3 - Learn how to swim
4 - Learn an instrument

So I've been thinking recently about which of these skills I want my children to learn.

I don't think the typing/keyboarding is going to be a problem for anyone from my children's generation.

I doubt the driving thing will be a problem either. I was so excited about learning to drive and getting my license (and the freedom that entailed). I took my driver's test the day after my sixteenth birthday. Now, my children might not feel the same excitement, but I get the feeling they might. The stick shift part may be more difficult, but still should be possible.

As my husband is a musician - I don't think the instrument will be an issue either.

I was thinking the other day that we needed to enroll my children in swimming lessons. We still might.

And then I realized - *I* could teach them to swim!

One of my sisters worked as a lifeguard at a local pool for years. She taught official lessons and private lessons. As long as I took one child at a time, I don't think it would actually be too difficult. I could still enroll them, and I might. But I don't think it would be out of the realm of my ability. Teaching simple things like, putting one's head under the water, blowing bubbles, kicking on the side of the pool, dead man's float.

Some of my other goals to teach my children (or make sure they learn before they leave my home):

1 - How to sew on a button
2 - How to change a tire and/or the oil on your car
3 - How to disagree without being disagreeable AND to say no gracefully
4 - How to (somewhat) manage your money (i.e., not spend it the day after you get it)
5 - How to read a map of a public transportation system (will this be necessary with GPS and blackberries?)
6 - How to make basic meals (how to cook) and do laundry (separate dark and light clothes)

My freshman year of college, one of my roommates shared that she had no idea how to boil water. I couldn't/can't imagine not being able to cook even the simplest of meals (boiled eggs or hot dogs). Other friends had no idea how to do laundry and waited for their parents to show up to get clean clothes. Now, I was at times almost TOO independent - but I think some of these skills are simply part of adulthood.

One can, of course, pay someone to change the oil on your car. But it's nice to be able to choose that, and to know you *could* change the oil yourself if you had to.

apple meet tree

Being a mom is a fascinating process. I often find myself full of wonder at the similarities and differences between my children and me.

My daughter, for example, is full of questions, ALL THE TIME. The other day I worked from home for a few hours in the morning. "Mom, do you have to do work?" "Mom, why are you working from home?" When I was getting ready to go in to work, that was another question. (Why do you have to work). There are questions about why I'm not carpooling this week (seriously). Or why our car is green, or why a friend's car is red. Or why she can't come to work with me. Usually, my answer leads to further questions. I'll answer something like "I'm not feeling well" and the next question will be: "But why not?"

At times, it can be exhausting.

I should not be surprised by her inquisitiveness. I remember asking my own parents why the sky was blue twice within six months. When they responded with - didn't you ask that six months ago? (Answering a question with a question, obviously they were pros). I explained - I wanted to see if the answer was the same.

So with each question, some wildly inappropriate questions, I take a deep breath and reflect. (Wildly inappropriate questions like, do you have children? why aren't you married? Why are you old? etc.) I try to explain about polite topics and things we don't mention because it may hurt someone's feelings. And I do try to answer questions when I can.

Believe it or not, I consider it one of my better traits. Even though my inquisitive nature might drive those I love crazy (and my current and past managers, teachers, etc). And something to encourage in my children.

______________________________________________________________________

My son discovered biking a few weeks ago. Much like his endeavors with drumming, he took to this bike (with training wheels) like a duck to water.

He spent hours, riding in circles on my in law's patio. Much like my daughter's questions, this doesn't shock me in the slightest. I've heard children like repetitive behavior. But a good part of the reason this doesn't surprise me is that I spent hours riding my bike as a child. I was older than my son, but we would ride laps around our residential street growing up. He might not continue riding bicycles as much as I did, but so far, his interest is strikingly familiar.

Musings on motherhood

**
A friend of mine asked (on a social networking site) when gay uncle day was going to be.

And rightly so, from my perspective.

In all seriousness, I understand the need for mother and father's day.

But it does seem to ignore all the other influential people in life, in my own life. Who (unfortunately) do not have their own day to be appreciated.

Teachers (and professors) are a great example. I had some of the most amazing teachers growing up. And yes, maybe there is a little brown on my nose, but it's true.

I think fondly of my aunts and uncles over the years, some of whom were also very concerned, caring and challenged me to be a better person.

Then there are some former managers (seriously) and co-workers over the years. People who might not have realized how important they were - but I learned a great deal from them none the less. Then there are also the authors over the years, whose works were incredibly influential.

Now that I think about it, there are too many people to list in one post for me of influences.

It seems short sighted to think that a child's failure or success is solely dependent on their parents. While parents are a huge component, there are so many other people that help along the way.

**I love this website (someecards) - hat tip to Kathryn.

providing

Like many people, I've found the instability in the job market and economy stressful. It's stressful in particular for me because I am the main breadwinner for my family. And as I've mentioned before, the situation with my current company is precarious.

I was reading Andrew S's post here about mormon men, women and careers.

I realized/remembered that I had actually started thinking about these types of things at fourteen and fifteen, while I was still mormon. My parents (quite liberal in LDS terms) had stressed the importance of education and of marriage to a good man, not necessarily a mormon. I was just realizing that I knew (even at that age) that I wanted to provide for myself. When you provide for yourself, there's a certain amount of control that you retain. You are still subjected to the whim of the corporation, and there are still a host of things you can't control.

In my case, I felt like at least I would know, no matter what, that I was employable and had experience.

Part of the reason I knew this was that I had watched my family (and my mother) through my own father's long unemployment. My mom was a SAHM to five kids when my dad was laid off (due to a crash in his industry, much like the current housing crash). She had a degree in social work, but no relative experience (at least from the past ten years). There was a lot of other stuff going on at the time but more than anything, that traditional model of a father providing (through the job he had a
degree in), mother working at home just was not working for my family.

At fourteen, fifteen, I knew without a doubt that I never wanted to be there if I could help it. There was this insane resentment loop where my Mom resented the fact my Dad had lost his job and couldn't provide - but yet it never seemed to me that the option was on the table that my Mom could go to work. This was right around the time that the mormon prophet (leader) from that time counseled all women to stay home and be mothers.

I suppose I still have some anger surrounding this entire experience - anger that my family was in this situation, anger that my parents were following bad advice (from my perspective, bad advice for them). Some of it was totally out ofeveryone's control,
and I have compassion for my parents that they were at least able to get through what happened. Some day I hope to be able to let some of that anger go - and I'm sure I'll get there. (I'll also figure out where the fear is in that situation, but that's a story for another day).

But yeah. Despite the current economic turmoil, I'm so glad I am not there (where my Mom was).

I know that what happens to me is really dependent on the choices I make, instead of the choices/actions of my spouse. In each situation, there is more that I can control than I realize (even if it's just changing my perspective). I can't say what's right for other people or other families. I just know this is the best path for me.