Thriving

Rose bush 2014

I received this rose bush as a gift, a few years ago. I wasn't sure if it would survive, if I had enough time to take care of a rose (on top of everything else).

It turns out I did.

And it survived this past winter, which my lavender bush did not.

I wasn't sure that it would weather being re-planted and moving to a new place. But it hasn't just survived (as the saying goes) it's thrived.

My husband and I recently announced our separation and pending divorce.  I don't want to go into all the reasons for what happened.  It's between the two of us.  It was not an easy decision, we are both responsible, and we both tried really, really hard to make our marriage work.

It just wasn't to be.

As I mentioned in my fb status update, we are committed to putting the kids first and making the transition as easy as possible for them. And so far, both he and I have really been successful in that.  I've known too many divorces/separations that haven't been that way, so I am incredibly grateful.

And it has been hard, despite how amicable everything has been.

I have also received an amazing amount of support from family and friends, which is humbling (and makes me tear up sometimes when I think about it). It appears that some of the stigma of divorce is fading (thank goodness) and that our culture is changing.

I don't know what the future will hold.  I do know that so much of my life appears to be unexpected.  But it also has pleasant surprises - and gifts I didn't expect.

Trust and Money

Recently I read an editorial which stated that if you don't trust your spouse/partner with money, then you don't trust your spouse.

It's true that many couples have issues surrounding money.  Money is very important in our culture.  It is true that in our culture, people are more comfortable talking about sex than about money (their salaries).

When I read the quote above, I get the impression that one needs to have all money in common (in a couple), even asking permission from the other partner before spending money.  And perhaps that's a good goal for many couples.

I know money was a huge deal for my parents growing up.  With six kids and one working parent, there was never enough.  It was stressful.   At some point for parents, when money is really tight, you think about whether or not your child will get glasses, or you'll get something new for yourself. 

In my own marriage, we disagree about where to spend money sometimes.  My husband and I have different priorities.  There are things he values and will spend money on, and things I value that I will spend money on.  A simple example is lunch; I will often buy lunch.  Usually what I buy can be a little pricier - since I try to buy healthy, fresh food.  If I bought a hot dog from the gas station, it would be much cheaper.  But long term, for me, healthier is more important than less expensive. 

On top of navigating money issues when there isn't a lot of money, and with different priorities, there is also always the chance of things going wrong.  When my grandfather passed away in the 70s, my grandmother struggled for the first few months because nothing was in her name.  She couldn't get credit.  I haven't been able to talk with her about it, but it must have made the loss even that much more difficult. 

Other friends separate and divorce. As fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, it seems reasonable to at least consider the possibility.  If all money is in common, if all the retirement accounts are in common - it could be difficult separate them fairly.  That doesn't stop some divorcees from making poor financial decisions. 

So it's more complicated than just not trusting the other person in a relationship. 

I agree that it's important for each couple to be working towards common goals, and have common priorities.  I completely agree that couples should talk about money, and about all the emotional baggage that can go along with money.  But I'm not sure that it's advisable for all couples to always handle finances in the same way.  People are different.  Couples are different.  And more than anything, I think both partners should be financially solvent (where possible) and maintain credit. 

Eat, Pray, Love

Despite my joining of certain social networking sites, I have a love/hate relationship with certain cultural trends.  If it's incredibly popular, I'm generally suspicious. 

They selected this book for my book club before much information was known about the movie.  I was understandably skeptical.

I found I liked this book much more than I thought I would.  I agreed with Julie Ann's comments about personal growth here. 

Two things resonated with me.  The first was what she said about not wanting to be married any longer - about not being happy.  Many people have criticized the book, they said that the author was selfish and whiny. 

Honestly, I think it's pretty remarkable to admit that a person is not happy, and wants to change.  Not everyone is willing to do that.  Not everyone is willing to acknowledge they're in pain, and to take steps to change that, whatever the cost.

I don't think that's whiny, I think that's being realistic.  Not that happiness is the only answer and motivation.  But I believe each person has only one life, and it is much to short to live in misery.  Is it really necessary to get a book advance and travel around the world?  Probably not.  But admitting that a person isn't (you aren't) happy, and taking steps to change is a good thing, to my mind.  If there are things that can change, that you can change - I think it's a good thing to work towards that.

The second thing I admired was that she didn't give all the reasons for her divorce.  I thought that was pretty remarkable as well. Often people will go through all the reasons for a relationship ending, detailed reasons.  Sometimes it's to convince other people that their decisions were justified.  In the end, does it really matter? In the end, we really only need to know that a relationship was not healthy, and not working. 

And in the end, I appreciated what she said about not really thinking about her relationship before she entered into her marriage. While she loved her ex-husband, she wasn't really thinking of goals, ways for each person to support themselves.  What each person brought to the marriage.  It's decidedly unromantic.  But honestly, I think that message needs to be sent more.  Love is great, but life isn't a hollywood romance.  It's just not.  It takes a lot of work to support and understand yourself, not to mention another person.

PS.  So I recommend this book to just about anyone. For my atheist, agnostic and non- religious friends, there is a lot of prayer in the prayer section.  So that's a caution or warning.  But if you're able to look past that, there may be some parts of the book that a person could find useful.  The idea of spending time meditating, in India, was attractive to me.  I'm not sure why, it's just always been attractive.  But that's just me personally, and may not be attractive to other people.Granted, it may also be the traveling aspect - as I have very little desire to spend three months meditating here in the midwest.  So take that as you will.

PPS.  When I was reading this book and looking for reviews, I saw this response by Andrew Gottlieb.  I thought it looked pretty amusing, and I couldn't help chuckling whenever I thought about the concept.

Nice

On my recent visit with my grandmother, she brought up a relative and their recent break up. 

(No offense to my Grandma meant, but I know exactly where my "in other people's business" gene comes from).

Anyway, her comment to me was, "Well, were they [the former partner] a nice person?" When I admitted they were, my Grandma concluded "well, they should get married then". 

Readers, you would be proud, I did not roll my eyes.

To her mind, if the person was a nice person, that was all anyone needed.  I've mentioned this conversation to a few of my readers already.  My grandmother is very traditional and religious.  I love her, and sometimes she does think outside the box, but not about this issue.


I guess it's progress that the statement is not as simple as "Are they mormon?  Yes?  Well, then they should be able to get married then".

But I think back to everything I know, and there is so much more to marriage and relationships than simply being "nice" (or religious). 

I've known people who have loved one another but couldn't make it work. It happens. 

That's not taking things like money, cleanliness, family, kids, friends, mental illness, addiction, goals, values, etc. into account either.  Life throws quite a bit at most of us.  It's fortunate (for some of us) to just keep our heads above the waves.

To assume that all a couple needs is for one person to be "nice", well, it just doesn't work that way any more.  What if you disagree on monogamy?  Or whether or not to have kids?  What if you disagree about religion and/or raising children in particular religions?  These are difficult issues that couples wrestle with.

A friend wisely observed that perhaps we over-analyze love and relationships now, that perhaps we have too much in terms of expectations.  That may also be true.  But there are quite a few relationships where some of these conversations need to happen long before a couple decides to marry.  And people change.  It happens. 

I certainly won't pronounce anyone's relationship as "doomed to fail".  I'm pretty sure mine was/is pronounced as "doomed to fail" because I lived with my boyfriend before we got married. 

I believe people deserve every happiness.  I believe every couple can figure out what works for them, and some couples are just not meant to be.  Period.  I think believe marriage and relationships are infinitely more complicated than they seem, and I try not to make assumptions about what works and what doesn't work.

I'm not going to argue with my grandmother.  I did sit back and muse about her comment though...I completely disagree with her on it. 

Marriage in and of itself isn't the most important thing in the world.  Better a happy, well-adjusted marriage or person to my mind than a miserable one.

2009: Questioning Assumptions

It's the time of year when people make top ten (or top thirteen) lists.  Reflecting on this year, what jumps out at me is that this year, I worked at questioning my assumptions. 

Questioning, for me, is nothing new.  I've toyed with writing my own "This I believe" essay, and usually when I think about it, it goes right back to being curious and inquisitive (for me personally).

The cliche is that life is a journey, change is the only constant, etc. 

When I started out on my own, however, I didn't realize that so much that I knew or intrinsically understood would change.  That some things I depended on wouldn't be there, but other unexpected things *would* be there.  And, this isn't an every five years or every ten years exercise.

Yearly, monthly, even daily, I come into contact with things that force me to adjust my expectations, to process new information and to set new boundaries.  On my good days, I recognize just how much I have to be grateful for (which is, frankly, quite a lot). 

Some of my more jaded readers might question - isn't that what everyone does?  Doesn't everyone ask lots of questions and take inventories of their actions/behaviors?  But the reality, which I see here in my 30s, is that not everyone does.  Some are just trying to survive - or to make it through the day.  For some, it seems to me it goes back to Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

This must sound out of touch without concrete examples - but since I have such a wide variety of reader(s), I don't want to give away too many details. I do think this post "the hamster wheel" is a good example.

Figuring out that I had to take care of myself, that I am responsible for myself and my feelings.  Again, the assumption I had was that I would take care of other people, and in return, when I was in need, they would take care of me.  All of this unspoken, of course.  I'm not advocating radical selfishness here, just that setting boundaries, saying no, speaking up about my feelings was/is important.  No one else is going to do it for me, or is even able to do it for me.  As always, this sound painfully obvious, but it really wasn't for me.  Not inconveniencing other people, disappointing people (particularly loved ones) was a greater motivation. 

Various relationships started and ended this year of friends and family members.  And this year, for the first time, (see here and here)  I realized that what these loved ones were doing, which relationships they were in (or not in) was really none of my business. 

I confess, I had always assumed that other people's relationships did affect me. 

I don't know why I thought this.  And I knew that before (people's relationships are their own), but I had never acknowledged that there was a part of me that really did want to get in the middle, wanted to understand, wanted to label whatever else was going on for other people. Now it's true, figuring out whether or not to invite someone to a gathering (if the relationship is rocky) or whether or not to send a request to someone (an ex) on a popular social networking site can be difficult/tricky. 

But in the end, however, it goes back to letting go of control, and the illusion of control.  And without question, I have no control over other people or their relationships.  Again, seems obvious to other people, but for some reason it just wasn't for me.

So all in all, it was a good year.  I'm glad to keep growing and re-evaulating everything.  Thanks for staying with me throughout this journey.

Qualities in a Mate

I wanted to address a comment I heard some years ago, which I am taking out of context. The person who said this comment doesn't read this blog (as far as I know). I think relationships are incredibly complex. Much like how parenting seems to have all sorts of contradictory information out there, I think relationships do as well.

I was talking with someone about relationships (okay, so now that I think about it, this could have been over fifteen years ago). In this person's defense, this comment may have been tailored to specific information or just that they were having a bad day. I don't know.

Their observation was "Well, (the person I was talking about)'s parents stayed together, so they have a good model for dealing with conflict within a marriage. Too often in our culture, parents get divorced without really working on the relationship. This can bring consequences for the children."

Basically, this person was implying that in looking for a partner, I should not look at someone whose parents' divorced. That's probably not what they meant to say, but that's how I heard it.

Granted, this person was very religious, and their beliefs obviously influenced their worldview.

I do not think something so complicated can be reduced to such a simple statement. I think such a statement is unfair to children whose parents divorced. They (the children) didn't choose that their parents would get divorced. Why should anyone hold them (children or adult children) accountable for their parents' actions or choices?

Why not focus on the qualities the person themselves has, not what has happened in their lives?

It's true, however, that a person's childhood and the relationships that they have with their parents DO impact their life choices. It's naive not to think that. And by watching parents interact, it informs our own (one's own) relationships. What a person thinks is normal.

But it seems to me that these types of attitudes, like my friend's above, are simply harmful to everyone. It doesn't take into account the reasons that people get divorced, some of which are very valid reasons. And may, in fact, be in the best interests of the children involved - as I noted here. I probably should have spoken up at the time and asked for clarification.

I think fear can govern the choices we make. I believe it's important to recognize when we're doing something out of fear - as opposed to honest awareness and acceptance of any situation (which can change). We don't honestly know what will happen in the future.

I admit I'm biased about this - and all of these statements are informed by my own worldview.

But I don't think that having parents who stay married necessarily mean that they (a potential love interest) are functional or good at dealing with conflict. I'm not sure the converse is true either.

That's not to say that some people who have been married for so many years aren't inspirational. Or that the relationship one's parents have or had doesn't influence a person.

I just think it's infinitely more complicated than that.

It seems to me that in any relationship or friendship, we need to be open to new information, to change but also honest and aware about ourselves and our expectations. We can challenge some of these old assumptions and stereotypes - and look for the real person inside.

So glad I waited to have kids

I've just been feeling prolific lately. I wonder what I'm avoiding. hmmm...

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I was recently reading this post (on a believing mormon blog) about the mormon counsel to start a family as soon as possible.

I respect that many people have had different paths and made different decisions. And with family planning, sometimes the decision is made for a person or family.

I have to say, I personally am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.

My path was different from the typical mormon path. My husband and I waited four years after beginning to date to get married. So when we got married, there weren't a lot of surprises. We waited eight years to start a family after beginning to date.

Turns out he and I are one of the incredibly fortunate couples who were fertile. We were able to get pregnant very soon after stopping birth control. And to get pregnant with twins without using fertility drugs.

Some good friends of ours have been trying to get pregnant for over five years. My heart goes out to them, as I know their journey has been very difficult. From everything I've read, infertility is one of the more difficult things for anyone to face, for any couple to face (aside from long term illness/a terminal illness in a partner). So I do know most days just how lucky I am.

But for me, I am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.

I was able to go back to school, to take night classes and get an additional associates degree on top of my bachelors. That has increased my earning power and job options. We had insurance when the twins were born. While dealing with the insurance company, doctors and hospitals left much to be desired - at least we had that insurance and were not thrown to the whims of medicare/medicaid. I had a job that gave me short term medical leave while I was on bed rest for six weeks, and then paid leave after my babies were born.

So in addition to the more established insurance and career I had because we waited - as a
couple, my husband and I were also up to the challenge of twins. I won't lie, our relationship has been a lot of work and definitely had some challenges. But I can't imagine throwing children in before we were able to resolve issues about expectations and communication. When we started out life together, I had many expectations about what it meant to be a husband and in a relationship. Over the years, I've adjusted those expectations to be more in line with reality - but to still meet my own needs. It is a balance.

There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband and I had children shortly after marriage (or after dating), we would not be together. Or, at least, we would not be as happy and able to work through issues as we are. It would be hard to focus on our kids and give them all the love and attention they need without first having focused on ourselves.

Finally, both of us have been able to establish friendships (and maintain those friendships) outside of parenthood. We've been able to establish and maintain interests outside of our children. If we had started a family early, that would have been much more difficult - as children tend to take all of a person's energy and attention. We have good friends who have become honorary relatives (aunts and uncles) for our kids. I'm sure all this could have happened if we had kids at a very young age (22, 23).

But I watch my own parents (who started a family at 22, 23) and I think they were at a disadvantage to find these things. It's hard to find the energy to go back to school, to work on a relationship (and mutual interests), to work on finding friendships when you have a young family. The nice thing about waiting, for me, was that I remember (some days vaguely) what life was like before my toddlers were born. And I know that some day, they will grow up and leave home - and I will get to pursue those interests again. It's pretty thrilling - raising children is just one of many exciting, worthwhile things I get to do with my life.

People *can* change

Or, at least, our perspective can change.

I've written about this before, at least about changing opinions due to new information.

But I've found it works the other way as well.

A few years ago, a woman I work with really upset me. She chewed me out - at least she spoke harshly to me. I admit, I had partially screwed up. But her rebuke still got under my skin. I felt a mixture of embarrassment and righteous indignation. I didn't feel I needed to confront her about it (since I had sort of screwed up after all), and I just figured maybe she had a bad day or something.

When I found out her office was going to be moved closer to mine, I was wary. But I kept an open mind. And so far, she and I have gotten along just fine. I have a deeper appreciation for her. She doesn't read this blog, as far as I know. We're not best friends (and we don't need to be), but we respect one another.

People make mistakes, or at least they have rough edges. And I believe, contrary to popular belief, some people can change. We can't necessarily expect them to change, sometimes we have to confront them or request things, but it's not true that your first impression of someone or a situation is always the right/true one.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day. Her wise observation was that just because someone holds a distasteful (to me) belief, doesn't mean they always will, or that they can't change that belief.




I'm certainly not saying that all people can change, as some things don't change.

Some aspects of a personality may never change, and it may not be fair to ask a person to change a core part of themselves. Or to assume that they are capable of changing. Asking someone to not be depressed, for example, or to not read (if they are a voracious reader) is probably not helpful. But just because I drink coffee each morning today, doesn't mean I will for the rest of my life. Or if I find out information that coffee is incredibly unhealthy for me, I might choose to stop drinking it.

It's finding that balance, of what you can put up with in another person/relationship, and what you can't abide that's the trick. To figure out what you can accept and letting the rest go.

I've found peace in personally accepting that people and relationships are a work in progress. To believe otherwise is to miss out on quite a lot.

I got nothing

It should come as no surprise to many of my readers and friends that I have opinions about just about everything. A good friend of mine responds with this often when she's not sure how to respond.

But as I mentioned here I am working very hard at keeping my opinions about other people's relationships to myself.

The only relationship/marriage I can really understand is my own. (And some days even understanding my own marriage is complicated). Yet at least I experience that every day. What happens between another couple, behind closed doors, I honestly can't say.

This came up again, for me - as a friend and I were discussing mutual friends, with the original friend's observation "I don't get how that relationship works." I had to admit that I agreed, but it made me uncomfortable to say even that much.

It's a struggle, because I care about people and want them to be happy. I listen to what someone says and think "what if they used this tool" or "what if they tried this?" I don't want to see that person hurt or caught unaware.

Because I have also heard lots of great observations and ideas over the years from good friends. Some of which have been incredibly helpful. One might think "well, everyone knows about x" but maybe they don't.

I guess all I'm saying is, I have no idea what makes other people tick or what makes other relationships work. The older I get, the more I realize that. I can't say if a relationship should or should not continue.

On one of the message boards I frequent, someone made the comment that a popular self-help guru states a marriage or relationship could not survive contempt - or perhaps it was
stone-walling. I can't say whether or not that's the case. I think what bothered me the most about the statement was that a therapist or marriage counselor could tell within fifteen minutes whether or not any relationship would survive.

I don't know that I agree. It doesn't seem to me that it takes into account the full complexity of a
person, their motivations and their expectations.

Someone could look at me and say that I fit the archetype of an oldest child in a dysfunctional family, raised in an authoritarian religion. While that might be true, it's just not that simple. As a person (just like anyone) I am more than my history, more than what I've done or what I'm
doing.

So it seems a little over-zealous to me that any professional could make judgments about a relationship and its efficacy so quickly - to come to an understanding about two people (given all
the potential complexities). And that's not taking into account issues like mental illness,PTSD , various anxiety disorders, addiction, abuse, etc. Not that the goal should be that a couple should stay together OR to separate (see my post about divorce here).

Most relationships (to my mind) are on some sort of continuum, with ups and downs. Each probably has conflicts, some conflicts may never be resolved. As an amateur - I can't answer those questions. All I can do is suggest leaving this analysis to the professionals. I don't think relationships are simple formulas, just as I don't think the whole of a person can be reduced to a formula.

We'll See How Brave You Are

"We'll see how brave you are
We'll see how fast you'll be running"

Yes Anastasia - Tori Amos

I was thinking of this song this morning, and the time in my life when that album (Under the Pink) helped me get through some difficult times. So many people either love Tori Amos or can't stand her, and that's fine.

I was thinking of some of the more difficult periods in my life. Despite how bleak things might have looked while I was living through those times, I realize now (with time) how much I learned about myself. Granted, I'm still relatively young, so I hope there will be many more learning experiences (without hoping for bad things to happen, simply acknowledging that some bad things will happen).

I also realized that usually the dark times were a prelude to some amazing experiences.

One of the darker times for me was the summer after I graduated from high school. Traditionally this can be a difficult time for people, for me it brought a great deal of confrontation and change with family and with friends. My parents realized that I was probably leaving mormonism for good. At least I think they finally admitted it to themselves. I fell into some relationships that weren't particularly healthy, but not
particularly unhealthy either. Because of those relationships - I learned a ton about myself.

I won't go into additional specifics - but I was able to move from a low period to going to college (and all that entailed). College wasn't always wine and roses, but most of the time, it was pretty d*mn good. I met so many amazing, intelligent people. And through the low periods, I had some very wise friends and adults that helped me gain perspective.

This is just what I've been musing on, recently. The concept that there is an ebb and flow to my life, and as things go up and down, they eventually work out as they are supposed to (for me). It may not be how I had expected - but things do work out.

There's a line I think is apt from "The Sound of Music" where the mother abbess says, "Every time God closes a door, he opens a window". Feel free to substitute your own belief in place of God - from science to nature to higher power, etc. and also the pronoun (he or she to it, etc.) It works for me - the idea that as things end, other
things begin.

Guarded

I've discussed it on this blog before, I struggle with finding a balance within the relationships in my life.

Some of my loved ones/relatives are single, others are in relationships. One of the things that happens in a new(er) relationship is that your loved one introduces you to their new love interest. It seems to be a way of measuring the seriousness of the relationship. And often there is this expectation of welcoming the new significant other into the fold. All this makes sense. If you love the original person, you (theoretically) want them to be happy, and to be in a good and healthy relationship.

Over the past year, I've been working (diligently) on backing off and not getting involved in other people's relationships. I wasn't terribly involved before, but sometimes I did take other people's relationships seriously. I also got involved, sometimes emotionally involved (where my emotional state was tied to what another person was doing). Sometimes I even thought *I* knew what was right for someone else's relationship.

I'm working on that arrogance - and staying out of it.

So, staying out of it has both positives and negatives. For me, the negative is that I refuse to "approve" of someone's new love interest.

I want to be open and accepting. I want people to feel welcome in my home, with my family.

But when a relationship ends, I refuse to cut off contact with someone whom I've been friends with. Drifting apart is fine. But I ask that someone not ask me to give up a friendship.

I have had friends who have made these demands, and it's not acceptable to me. I know that they may be hurt or hurting after the relationship ends. There are exceptions (of course). But it doesn't seem fair to make that demand - because you have broken up with someone you were in a serious relationship with, doesn't mean that I have to end my friendship with them in order to show my loyalty to you. I also don't have to continue to invest in the friendship either, but that's my choice.

I think most all of my friends/loved ones already know this about me. I would hope they do at least. If my husband and I ever ended things, for example, if my sister(s) continued to touch base with him - it might sting. But they've known my husband for over ten years. That's not exactly fair for me to try to control their behavior. And children are involved as well, which makes things even more complicated.

For me, I just feel guarded. I will give people a chance, I'm not going to deliberately dislike someone. Or attempt to sabotage someone else's relationship. As I've said before, I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. And, I still firmly believe it takes two people to have a problem. It's not that I don't love people, or want to be happy for them. I do honestly.

I just need to put up some boundaries to make sure that I'm safe no matter what happens.

The Past Informing the Present

As an amateur historian, I find the study of the past fascinating. But the question - how do we let the past inform the present is an incredibly difficult one. I've found it has to be a balance. We have to be aware of the past to shape our understanding and current decisions. But we can't assume that the past will always predict (without error)what may happen in the future.

I've found this to be a sticking point both for interpersonal relationships and larger
political/international issues or conflicts. An adult can't act solely in a vacuum - they have to be concerned with safety. This includes personal safety. On the other hand, a person can assume there will be pitfalls at every turn - when there may not be. Or that some sort of pre-emptive strike/confrontation is necessary - when it may not be needed.

If we assume no one will ever change, and no situations will ever be bettered - what hope is there? Where does that leave everyone? There are all sorts of possibilities to life, each day. From technology to cures for diseases. New understandings and perspective. I talk a little about my take on victimhood here.

I'm not advocating unreasonable hope here. I'm not even advocating a person should turn the other cheek seven by seventy times. There are all sorts of factors that come into play in every situation - from what a new president will really be able to do to conflicts in the middle east to be-friending someone on a social networking site.

I'm also not suggesting that there will always be miracles - that things will solve
themselves without work either. Sticking your fingers in your ears and singing "la, la, la - I don't see you" isn't always going to work (in fact, it probably won't work. I've tried).

What I'm saying is, humans take risks, each day. Nothing is sure - except change, death and taxes. Everything else is fluid. Life is not simple - I've learned that much in my short time on earth. These issues are not simple. If they were simple - things would actually be pretty boring. There always seems to be a "yes, but..." to many statements.

I just have faith and hope that things will end up how they are supposed to end up.
I do the best I can every day. I try to improve situations that can be bettered - with regard to my own health and safety (and respecting other people's boundaries). This year, I'm going to try and take risks, each day. The risk may just be a small step of recycling my diet coke cans - but I'll try to take it just the same.

But I'm also realistic - many situations don't change, many people don't change - and human nature will probably remain the same - throughout my lifetime.

So - how have things changed over time for you? Has your understanding of things changed? Are there things with simpler solutions than you thought? Where do you think the past should stand in predicting yours (or others or geopolitical) behavior?

Expectations

I struggle sometimes with disappointment in some of my relationships. I've been learning to either adjust my expectations - or communicate clearly what I need. In many situations, it's a difficult balance. I also struggle with what's appropriate - and where my responsibility lies in a situation. This should be nothing new to anyone who reads this blog regularly.

I've found a couple of tips that have helped me greatly.

Did I ask for help? Did I state my expectations clearly up front?

Am I expecting too much from a person who is dealing with their own stuff? Who isn't capable of looking beyond where they are at? Was I moving forward with a plan that no one else was interested in following? (This is also something I'm often guilty of).

Usually, in the process of asking all these questions, I find the answer. I find what path I need to take. I realize that I am responsible or that I need to find other avenues to spend my energy on. Maybe it is a matter of having picture disease.

Part of any relationship is understanding your part in it.

This is the conversation I want to have with some of the people in my life. I want to say "we're in this together - until we're not. It's not just me here in this relationship". And people sometimes respond with genuine anger, hurt and frustration. But aerin, you always do x. Or you should do x.

I remember reading some time ago about a woman who suffered from OCD. She finally went into treatment - but her husband and children sometimes would ask her - Mom, why don't you pick up my clothes off the floor anymore? Why don't you organize the cans in the cabinet anymore so we can find what we need?

It's a cliche to say we get what we put into things (and we reap what we sow) - but I firmly believe that.

Sometimes we give a lot and get nothing in return. And that's okay. It can be a good thing. I have been the recipient of lots of giving where I wasn't able to show appreciation or give back.

But when it's a pattern - and one person may be always giving, and then they step away - maybe it's time to reassess. Perhaps the relationship wasn't healthy - or perhaps life happened (as it often does). It's not always about any one person.

Not surprisingly, most of the adults in my life do realize this. I am continuously amazed and appreciate when people respect and understand these concepts. I suppose I just get frustrated when there are others in my life that don't get this.

Maybe it's time for some personal introspection - or time to remember we're all adults here. Communication and relationships are a two way street.

Re-Creation

So in my prior post here, my good friend NN had confused one of my *stellar* ex- boyfriends for another one of my stellar ex-boyfriends.

I know, I know, it's difficult to comprehend how that would be possible!

Anyway, this reminded me of one of the things I figured out (and continue to realize) about this short relationship (the one NN had thought I was talking about). Which I had a hard time getting over. My cousin chanson wrote about unrequited love here - I wouldn't call what was going on with me at that time love, although it was definitely unrequited.

It should be no surprise to readers that I grew up in a family with mental illness. I won't dwell on that.

What's interesting, to me, is the research that shows that often children in dysfunctional homes recreate those relationships later in life. I don't have links for this, but I think it's the general consensus in the psychological community that this is the case. The hope is that through therapy and other tools, adult children of dysfunction will be able to recognize some of the patterns and move towards healthly, functional relationships.

So, for example, I look back on this relationship in college. When this person and I started dating, I remember thinking of how familiar everything seemed. Dating him seemed so normal. Yet I can't explain why it seemed normal when other relationships did not seem normal.

Yet other people in my life (in fact most everyone in my life) could recognize that he had some issues. He used to talk about the "cd-rom in his head" (yeah, this was before the internet was widely adapted, etc.) Even I recognized that he has some issues - but was deluded I thought I could fix or change him. What's also frightening is that at the time I liked who I was when I was dating him (which makes little to no sense at this point). In the end, it was obvious that he was much less interested in me than I would have liked.

For some time afterwards, I kept thinking that he would wake up and realize that we had been in a good relationship (how good we were for each other). This is despite all evidence to the contrary - and despite gentle feedback from the many friends and people who care(d) about me.

I put a lot of weight on my intuition and my feelings. Sometimes I'm a "don't let the facts get in the way" type of person, to a fault. Sometimes my gut instinct is right. But I learned (at least with both of these relationships) that my gut does not always lead me in the right direction, and in fact can lead me in the wrong direction. That's not to say that I didn't learn a great deal. Just that I may have learned more about what I didn't want (what wasn't good for me) than what was.

I think I had realized at the time that my family (of origin) had been dysfunctional and full of mental illness. I just didn't realize how much that would impact my decisions and perspective as an adult. And that I would have to remain as vigilant and conscious as possible to make sure I didn't fall back into old unhealthy patterns.