On my first mother's day, I was still very, very pregnant. Many doctors induce moms of twins by thirty five weeks. Not my doctor! I was still on strict bed rest and taking terbutaline (an anti-contraction medication).
To say I was miserable would be an understatement. I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't go out to eat. I couldn't stand up to shower.
And being pregnant is very uncomfortable. I think people (particularly men) forget that. At our birth class, the partners tried on the fake pregnancy belly. The first comment from each person was "Man, I have to pee!" It's as if one little part of understanding and empathy dawned on their faces.
I had sharp back pain; many of my friends who have been pregnant say the same thing. I could barely sleep (and that's not a problem I normally have).
So I spent my first mother's day trying to psychically tell my babies and body to start contractions. It didn't work (of course). They were born two weeks later.
More than a few people praised me later for carrying the twins to thirty eight weeks. The compliment felt strange, as it was something I had no control over. I had no control over conceiving twins, no control over carrying them to thirty eight weeks (not really). I suppose I could have not taken the medication, or snuck out of the house and gone running.
But I know twin moms (and other moms) who would have done anything to keep their baby/babies gestating just one day longer. Some spent weeks on magnesium in a hospital bed.
While each person has some control over the birth, pregnancy and parenthood process, there is so much out of our control. That's what I like to remember on Mother's Day.
Showing posts with label twins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label twins. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Roller Skating
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| Birthday roller skates - note the 1980s upholstery |
I haven't been on a pair of skates for a long time, at least fifteen years. I was unsteady on wheels - it wasn't exactly like riding a bicycle.
The interesting part was that my son and daughter were trying out skates for the first time. We rented carts - so they could push the wheeled cart for balance.
My son took to the skates quickly. He fell down once or twice. But before we left (less than an hour later), he was out of the practice area and flying around the rink. He wasn't as fast or steady as the experienced skaters - but he definitely reminded me of the "duck to water" expression.
My daughter did not understand the process intuitively. She held onto me (not the best strategy as I was unsteady myself). She fell once, and it really bothered her. Of course when you learn to skate, you sometimes fall. That's part of the process.
The well meaning owner stopped by as we sat on the side of the rink. He gave us a few pointers. Near the end, she was more comfortable and able to move.
Being the mom of twins, I have unique insight into the natural/genetic/social differences people have. It's clear that my son and daughter approach the world differently and have distinct skills and talents. There are things that my daughter learns effortlessly, but roller skating wasn't one of them.
How do people learn that some things are easy for them to grasp, and others need more practice? How do you stop someone (particularly a bright person) from becoming discouraged when they don't figure something out immediately?
It took me a long time to figure out that I couldn't do everything I attempted the first time. That just because someone else could do something - didn't mean I could. It means I'm human, it doesn't mean I'm less than anyone else. As a Mom, helping my kids figure out their strengths is important. It would be nice if our culture valued and rewarded each person's strengths.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
My week as the parent of a singleton
Through a random series of events during fall break (too confusing to detail here), my daughter spent the week with my in laws, and my son spent the week with my husband and me. Musing more on large families, I did notice the difference between caring for one versus two.
Some of the differences were obvious and simple mathematics. There was less laundry. I only had to wake up one child instead of two children. I had to follow up with one child about eating their vegetables instead of two.
Others were not so obvious. I had more time to talk with my son. With two children, the conversation is often hectic. I'll talk with one, but the other will comment or respond (or bring up something completely different). My son, on the whole, had a good week. He missed his sister a bit, but not so much that he was inconsolable. My daughter had a good time on her own as well.
So my theory, from this experience and others, is that each child adds an exponential amount of work for parents. It's not as simple as buying in bulk. I agree with chanson that parents have finite time and energy.
That's not to say that all parents should have one child to devote all their time, energy and attention to. If they do, that's great. As long as the only child learns to interact with their peers, to develop and maintain relationships and doesn't believe they are the center of the universe. (All of these are great goals for any children, regardless of siblings or lack thereof).
Being other focused, and taking other people's feeling and opinions into account are important skills. Also, being responsible and self-reliant, in other words, not falling into snowflake syndrome.
Because I have two children, I have the opportunity to do things with my kids that my parents were not able to do with six. There are many reasons for that, my parents' temperament and the nature of my family growing up. Things like going to pre-school are possible.
And it's certainly not a competition between my parenting and that of my parents. But it simply makes sense that with two children, a parent has the financial and physical resources to do more than they would with six. Will those additional opportunities benefit my kids? I have no idea, I certainly hope so.
My daughter is back home now; we are back to wrangling two six year olds and keeping up with non linear conversations. My feelings about the week were a bit like my feelings when we separated my twins into different cribs when they were four months old. They had slept in the same crib before that time. I was sad, and concerned that it would impact my kids. Both my son and daughter thrived in separate cribs, however. They slept much better without a sibling moving around and waking their other up.
Sometimes I think the milestones or significance is more about me than it is about them.
Some of the differences were obvious and simple mathematics. There was less laundry. I only had to wake up one child instead of two children. I had to follow up with one child about eating their vegetables instead of two.
Others were not so obvious. I had more time to talk with my son. With two children, the conversation is often hectic. I'll talk with one, but the other will comment or respond (or bring up something completely different). My son, on the whole, had a good week. He missed his sister a bit, but not so much that he was inconsolable. My daughter had a good time on her own as well.
So my theory, from this experience and others, is that each child adds an exponential amount of work for parents. It's not as simple as buying in bulk. I agree with chanson that parents have finite time and energy.
That's not to say that all parents should have one child to devote all their time, energy and attention to. If they do, that's great. As long as the only child learns to interact with their peers, to develop and maintain relationships and doesn't believe they are the center of the universe. (All of these are great goals for any children, regardless of siblings or lack thereof).
Being other focused, and taking other people's feeling and opinions into account are important skills. Also, being responsible and self-reliant, in other words, not falling into snowflake syndrome.
Because I have two children, I have the opportunity to do things with my kids that my parents were not able to do with six. There are many reasons for that, my parents' temperament and the nature of my family growing up. Things like going to pre-school are possible.
And it's certainly not a competition between my parenting and that of my parents. But it simply makes sense that with two children, a parent has the financial and physical resources to do more than they would with six. Will those additional opportunities benefit my kids? I have no idea, I certainly hope so.
My daughter is back home now; we are back to wrangling two six year olds and keeping up with non linear conversations. My feelings about the week were a bit like my feelings when we separated my twins into different cribs when they were four months old. They had slept in the same crib before that time. I was sad, and concerned that it would impact my kids. Both my son and daughter thrived in separate cribs, however. They slept much better without a sibling moving around and waking their other up.
Sometimes I think the milestones or significance is more about me than it is about them.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sick Kids
I had !Exciting Plans ! for this weekend, some involving non-refundable tickets.
Then last night my son threw up at the gym. And then my daughter woke me up at 1:30 in the morning, also throwing up.
At the risk of oversharing (too late ;)), it just reminds me of two things.
First, that my father in law's description about parenthood doesn't appear to change as one's children get older.
And second, how grateful I am that I am no longer in the first three months of my twins' lives. The first three months were really, really hard. And particularly because of this very phenomonon, except that it would happen every night. Every night one baby would wake up at 1:30 and the next would wake up at 2.
Now, parents with more than one child probably experienced this as well.
But it's a bit different when both babies wake up three times (or more) each night. People would always joke "ha ha, you won't get any sleep".
What I didn't realize was how true that was.
Sleep becomes so precious for parents of newborn multiples. Which is why I thought the idea of a "night nurse" for a parent of a newborn was nuts. This is a nurse that one pays to take the nighttime feedings. But I can definitely see where it would be worth it.
Fortunately, this is a rare occurrence these days.
Then last night my son threw up at the gym. And then my daughter woke me up at 1:30 in the morning, also throwing up.
At the risk of oversharing (too late ;)), it just reminds me of two things.
First, that my father in law's description about parenthood doesn't appear to change as one's children get older.
And second, how grateful I am that I am no longer in the first three months of my twins' lives. The first three months were really, really hard. And particularly because of this very phenomonon, except that it would happen every night. Every night one baby would wake up at 1:30 and the next would wake up at 2.
Now, parents with more than one child probably experienced this as well.
But it's a bit different when both babies wake up three times (or more) each night. People would always joke "ha ha, you won't get any sleep".
What I didn't realize was how true that was.
Sleep becomes so precious for parents of newborn multiples. Which is why I thought the idea of a "night nurse" for a parent of a newborn was nuts. This is a nurse that one pays to take the nighttime feedings. But I can definitely see where it would be worth it.
Fortunately, this is a rare occurrence these days.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
School
My twins started kindergarten this week. It hasn't been the easiest change for me. They got into this school, the one we had hoped. Still, it was a difficult day for me to put my kids on the bus. I think it's all the changes involved with going to school, to a real school. There is so much out of my control. And it means that they are growing up. It's bittersweet, for me.
The good news is, they appear to be doing just fine and are enjoying themselves. Some bumps, but everything is going smoothly. At some point, I might write about why we decided to put them in separate classrooms. Evidently with twins, there are different theories. Some people believe in separating twins, others do not (or wait until later in school).
What I realized was that *I* rode the bus to school, to kindergarten back in the day. I don't remember that being particularly traumatic for me. It may have been difficult for my mom. She said that when I went to college, that was more difficult (for her), that she remembers.
<--This is me on my first day of school. Note my name and address pinned to the front of my dress.
I loved kindergarten. I loved going to school, meeting new people and learning new things. I liked school throughout the years. I'm trying to remember my excitement and give both my kids the space to feel however they would like.
The good news is, they appear to be doing just fine and are enjoying themselves. Some bumps, but everything is going smoothly. At some point, I might write about why we decided to put them in separate classrooms. Evidently with twins, there are different theories. Some people believe in separating twins, others do not (or wait until later in school).
<--This is me on my first day of school. Note my name and address pinned to the front of my dress.
I loved kindergarten. I loved going to school, meeting new people and learning new things. I liked school throughout the years. I'm trying to remember my excitement and give both my kids the space to feel however they would like.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Identical Strangers
In some discussions with people this week, I realized I hadn't reviewed this book yet here. I originally heard about it on npr (not surprisingly), and was fascinated. At this link, there is a brief story about the book and an excerpt.
As the mother, I can't imagine separating my twins. Yes, they currently have separate rooms, but not raising them together, not allowing them to interact. Not allowing them to know from an early age that they have a sibling born on the same day.
I can't imagine the ethics of separating twins either. It's true, the first few months of their lives were really, really difficult for me. Having one newborn is difficult enough - but two is even more difficult. Because they don't sleep at the same time!
Before reading this book, I didn't think separating twins was a good idea. Afterwards, I find I disagree with it strongly. Particularly separating twins for research - no matter how valuable the data gained may be.
I am also someone who supports psychological research into mental health and illness. Also I support research into the genetic causes for various diseases and behaviors. It is important.
We can draw lines with experimenting on human beings and we should. If experiementation is done, it needs to have the proper consent and review by ethics panels. This is definitely something worth talking about as a society (where the lines are) - because it's not always clear. If the research may harm the participants, the proposal should be denied. Of course, harm is also difficult to define - again, why the panels and review are important.
Finally, I believe that the archives should be opened so these women can see the research findings on them personally. The researchers studied them until they were a year old, but I think they have a right to that information.
I believe the archives are currently closed for another thirty to fifty years. And there were other adoptees who were studied, separately, for longer. Some who may not realize that they have a twin sibling. It seems like the plot of a gothic novel, but it was real, and the people involved were genuine.
In the end, again, I know the "nature vs. nurture" question is compelling. For some things, however, does it matter why? Some things are the way they are. There aren't any easy answers, obviously, if there were we would have found them already.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sibling Relationships and Assumptions
I heard part of this program about sisters the other day on the Diane Rehm Show. The book by Deborah Tannen (You were always Mom's favorite) sounded interesting, and I will probably read it at some point.
I think there can be a special bond between siblings. But I do not feel that if a person does not have this sibling bond, that they will be missing out on having a fulfilling life. (One of the callers on the show gave this impression).
I think each of us has different experiences and different relationships.
I'm certainly not trying to downplay the caller's obvious pain about not having that sibling relationship. I think I'm just saying that just like a relationship with a parent, we don't always get to choose our siblings or families, or the dynamics of those families. It's just not cut and dry.
My twins are beginning to recognize that they are different people, with different likes and dislikes. They are becoming more independent (something my husband and I are fostering). They disagree, and at times we talk about how it's okay to disagree, and to have different interests. They sometimes have different expectations of each other, and those expectations clash at times.
This has all been happening for years, but as they become more verbal, it's easier to discuss with them.
When they were first born, some people would say things like "oh, they will always be friends" or "they will always be close". And I silently disagreed.
It's not that I don't want my children to be close. I hope they will be friends and be able to support one another. ***
But I also think that how a parent reacts to their children, whether or not they play favorites, handle individual attention and competition and whether or not they "force" a friendship or relationship between siblings makes a difference.
And, of course, the siblings themselves may just be very different people, with different personalities.
Two anecdotal examples:
The first is that I asked an friend with a twin sister if he had any advice for me (as the mother of boy/girl twins). He also cautioned against forcing my twins to be friends - saying his parents had done just that, particularly as teenagers. And as we all know (or most of us can agree) the surest way to get a teenager to do the exact opposite is to force them to do something. It wasn't that he disliked his sister, but the parents' getting involved in their sibling relationship was not helpful.
The second anecdotal example: a friend of mine from a large dysfunctional family (not mormon) grew up with two sisters. His mom didn't have sisters growing up, so she was determined that her two daughters be good friends. (The same mom also didn't want them to cut their hair, as she believed it looked better long - like I said, there were lots of unreasonable expectations in that family, and not a lot of tolerance for differing views/feelings).
This was some time ago, they (the sisters) are both now adults, so the situation may be different. But at the time, as sisters, they didn't seem to have an especially close or ideal relationship. And their mom's insistence on a friendship didn't seem to help either.
Of course, this is all my opinion from the outside, not being in either sibling relationship, I don't know for sure.
I don't think that a person can make assumptions about sibling relationships, or assume that siblings will always be close.
***Note: I enjoy interacting with my own siblings and want the siblings of mine reading this blog (hi!) to know that I love and appreciate them for the unique people they are. This post is not necessarily a reaction to my own sibling relationships but sibling relationships in general (and stereotypes of those relationships).
I think there can be a special bond between siblings. But I do not feel that if a person does not have this sibling bond, that they will be missing out on having a fulfilling life. (One of the callers on the show gave this impression).
I think each of us has different experiences and different relationships.
I'm certainly not trying to downplay the caller's obvious pain about not having that sibling relationship. I think I'm just saying that just like a relationship with a parent, we don't always get to choose our siblings or families, or the dynamics of those families. It's just not cut and dry.
My twins are beginning to recognize that they are different people, with different likes and dislikes. They are becoming more independent (something my husband and I are fostering). They disagree, and at times we talk about how it's okay to disagree, and to have different interests. They sometimes have different expectations of each other, and those expectations clash at times.
This has all been happening for years, but as they become more verbal, it's easier to discuss with them.
When they were first born, some people would say things like "oh, they will always be friends" or "they will always be close". And I silently disagreed.
It's not that I don't want my children to be close. I hope they will be friends and be able to support one another. ***
But I also think that how a parent reacts to their children, whether or not they play favorites, handle individual attention and competition and whether or not they "force" a friendship or relationship between siblings makes a difference.
And, of course, the siblings themselves may just be very different people, with different personalities.
Two anecdotal examples:
The first is that I asked an friend with a twin sister if he had any advice for me (as the mother of boy/girl twins). He also cautioned against forcing my twins to be friends - saying his parents had done just that, particularly as teenagers. And as we all know (or most of us can agree) the surest way to get a teenager to do the exact opposite is to force them to do something. It wasn't that he disliked his sister, but the parents' getting involved in their sibling relationship was not helpful.
The second anecdotal example: a friend of mine from a large dysfunctional family (not mormon) grew up with two sisters. His mom didn't have sisters growing up, so she was determined that her two daughters be good friends. (The same mom also didn't want them to cut their hair, as she believed it looked better long - like I said, there were lots of unreasonable expectations in that family, and not a lot of tolerance for differing views/feelings).
This was some time ago, they (the sisters) are both now adults, so the situation may be different. But at the time, as sisters, they didn't seem to have an especially close or ideal relationship. And their mom's insistence on a friendship didn't seem to help either.
Of course, this is all my opinion from the outside, not being in either sibling relationship, I don't know for sure.
I don't think that a person can make assumptions about sibling relationships, or assume that siblings will always be close.
***Note: I enjoy interacting with my own siblings and want the siblings of mine reading this blog (hi!) to know that I love and appreciate them for the unique people they are. This post is not necessarily a reaction to my own sibling relationships but sibling relationships in general (and stereotypes of those relationships).
Monday, August 17, 2009
Time to myself
As a working mom, I've struggled to find time to myself. I've often explained motherhood as my second full time job.
After my twins were born, everything began to have an increased priority in my life. That priority usually had four things on it: the twins, my husband, my job and me.
If something didn't fall on that list, it probably didn't get done. And often, my own health and well-being would come after some of those other priorities.
As the kids grew older and more independent, it's been easier to expand that list of priorities. To be other focused. My husband and I made it a priority (from the start) to do things like go out together (without the kids), even if it meant using a babysitter. (As an aside, I've been shocked how controversial this can be, so many people I know refuse to leave their children with someone not related to them. So far, we've been fortunate).
And we also have joined a gym, where there is a place for kids while we work out. It's not ideal, but it's helped me keep my sanity. I've finally found places (like my book club) and been able to focus more on friendships.
One of the great things that's been happening recently is that my husband has taken the kids down to visit his grandfather once a week. That means, when I get home from work, I don't have to do much of anything. It's true, most of the time I still do responsible stuff like yard work and laundry. Or working out. But I don't have to worry about whether or not someone eats their veggies. Or that someone has their shoes before we go to the gym.
I love my kids and I love spending time with them. But spending time (even a small amount of time) on things that I enjoy - spending time without them has been very helpful. I realize how much more I appreciate them.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder, in this instance. I love being a mom, but I love being so many things other than just a mom. I feel so fortunate to be able to have time to myself and time to breathe.
To be even more sappy/idealistic, if I had one wish for every parent, it would be this. That each parent would be able to have time to themselves to explore their own interests, in addition to being a responsible parent. Although I think that was partially the point of Virginia Woolf's "A Room of One's Own"...
After my twins were born, everything began to have an increased priority in my life. That priority usually had four things on it: the twins, my husband, my job and me.
If something didn't fall on that list, it probably didn't get done. And often, my own health and well-being would come after some of those other priorities.
As the kids grew older and more independent, it's been easier to expand that list of priorities. To be other focused. My husband and I made it a priority (from the start) to do things like go out together (without the kids), even if it meant using a babysitter. (As an aside, I've been shocked how controversial this can be, so many people I know refuse to leave their children with someone not related to them. So far, we've been fortunate).
And we also have joined a gym, where there is a place for kids while we work out. It's not ideal, but it's helped me keep my sanity. I've finally found places (like my book club) and been able to focus more on friendships.
One of the great things that's been happening recently is that my husband has taken the kids down to visit his grandfather once a week. That means, when I get home from work, I don't have to do much of anything. It's true, most of the time I still do responsible stuff like yard work and laundry. Or working out. But I don't have to worry about whether or not someone eats their veggies. Or that someone has their shoes before we go to the gym.
I love my kids and I love spending time with them. But spending time (even a small amount of time) on things that I enjoy - spending time without them has been very helpful. I realize how much more I appreciate them.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder, in this instance. I love being a mom, but I love being so many things other than just a mom. I feel so fortunate to be able to have time to myself and time to breathe.
To be even more sappy/idealistic, if I had one wish for every parent, it would be this. That each parent would be able to have time to themselves to explore their own interests, in addition to being a responsible parent. Although I think that was partially the point of Virginia Woolf's "A Room of One's Own"...
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Moment
The first time I felt like a mom was not the first time I felt morning all day sickness. Or the first time I felt one or both of my babies move. After the exhaustion of bed rest and labor, things were a bit surreal and awe-inspiring that first day.
(As an aside, some days I do still pinch myself to remember that yes, I am a mom or yes, I'm a college graduate. Some days it's easier than others).
I just remember the moment that I realized I could do it. My twins were a little over a day old. My husband left the hospital to go home and get a full night's sleep. He had a sinus infection (funny how that type of thing never makes it into shows/films about birth and labor).
So there I am, sitting up in a hospital bed, with both newborns. I hadn't quite gotten the knack of carrying them both around at the same time (that came later)! I had one baby on my lap, and another right beside me (there are rail guards on the bed, in case anyone was nervous about it). I had turned on the tv and was watching bits of some random popular sci-fi movie (I do remember which particular sci-fi movie, if you must know).
It doesn't sound like it would be a bonding moment, but it was.
It was the knowledge that here I was, a mom, with two beautiful healthy babies. And I could do it. And that the three of us would spend lots of time together - having all sorts of adventures.
I finally felt grounded, like no matter how much had changed, some things would still be the same.
(As an aside, some days I do still pinch myself to remember that yes, I am a mom or yes, I'm a college graduate. Some days it's easier than others).
I just remember the moment that I realized I could do it. My twins were a little over a day old. My husband left the hospital to go home and get a full night's sleep. He had a sinus infection (funny how that type of thing never makes it into shows/films about birth and labor).
So there I am, sitting up in a hospital bed, with both newborns. I hadn't quite gotten the knack of carrying them both around at the same time (that came later)! I had one baby on my lap, and another right beside me (there are rail guards on the bed, in case anyone was nervous about it). I had turned on the tv and was watching bits of some random popular sci-fi movie (I do remember which particular sci-fi movie, if you must know).
It doesn't sound like it would be a bonding moment, but it was.
It was the knowledge that here I was, a mom, with two beautiful healthy babies. And I could do it. And that the three of us would spend lots of time together - having all sorts of adventures.
I finally felt grounded, like no matter how much had changed, some things would still be the same.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
So glad I waited to have kids
I've just been feeling prolific lately. I wonder what I'm avoiding. hmmm...
____________________________________________________
I was recently reading this post (on a believing mormon blog) about the mormon counsel to start a family as soon as possible.
I respect that many people have had different paths and made different decisions. And with family planning, sometimes the decision is made for a person or family.
I have to say, I personally am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.
My path was different from the typical mormon path. My husband and I waited four years after beginning to date to get married. So when we got married, there weren't a lot of surprises. We waited eight years to start a family after beginning to date.
Turns out he and I are one of the incredibly fortunate couples who were fertile. We were able to get pregnant very soon after stopping birth control. And to get pregnant with twins without using fertility drugs.
Some good friends of ours have been trying to get pregnant for over five years. My heart goes out to them, as I know their journey has been very difficult. From everything I've read, infertility is one of the more difficult things for anyone to face, for any couple to face (aside from long term illness/a terminal illness in a partner). So I do know most days just how lucky I am.
But for me, I am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.
I was able to go back to school, to take night classes and get an additional associates degree on top of my bachelors. That has increased my earning power and job options. We had insurance when the twins were born. While dealing with the insurance company, doctors and hospitals left much to be desired - at least we had that insurance and were not thrown to the whims of medicare/medicaid. I had a job that gave me short term medical leave while I was on bed rest for six weeks, and then paid leave after my babies were born.
So in addition to the more established insurance and career I had because we waited - as a
couple, my husband and I were also up to the challenge of twins. I won't lie, our relationship has been a lot of work and definitely had some challenges. But I can't imagine throwing children in before we were able to resolve issues about expectations and communication. When we started out life together, I had many expectations about what it meant to be a husband and in a relationship. Over the years, I've adjusted those expectations to be more in line with reality - but to still meet my own needs. It is a balance.
There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband and I had children shortly after marriage (or after dating), we would not be together. Or, at least, we would not be as happy and able to work through issues as we are. It would be hard to focus on our kids and give them all the love and attention they need without first having focused on ourselves.
Finally, both of us have been able to establish friendships (and maintain those friendships) outside of parenthood. We've been able to establish and maintain interests outside of our children. If we had started a family early, that would have been much more difficult - as children tend to take all of a person's energy and attention. We have good friends who have become honorary relatives (aunts and uncles) for our kids. I'm sure all this could have happened if we had kids at a very young age (22, 23).
But I watch my own parents (who started a family at 22, 23) and I think they were at a disadvantage to find these things. It's hard to find the energy to go back to school, to work on a relationship (and mutual interests), to work on finding friendships when you have a young family. The nice thing about waiting, for me, was that I remember (some days vaguely) what life was like before my toddlers were born. And I know that some day, they will grow up and leave home - and I will get to pursue those interests again. It's pretty thrilling - raising children is just one of many exciting, worthwhile things I get to do with my life.
____________________________________________________
I was recently reading this post (on a believing mormon blog) about the mormon counsel to start a family as soon as possible.
I respect that many people have had different paths and made different decisions. And with family planning, sometimes the decision is made for a person or family.
I have to say, I personally am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.
My path was different from the typical mormon path. My husband and I waited four years after beginning to date to get married. So when we got married, there weren't a lot of surprises. We waited eight years to start a family after beginning to date.
Turns out he and I are one of the incredibly fortunate couples who were fertile. We were able to get pregnant very soon after stopping birth control. And to get pregnant with twins without using fertility drugs.
Some good friends of ours have been trying to get pregnant for over five years. My heart goes out to them, as I know their journey has been very difficult. From everything I've read, infertility is one of the more difficult things for anyone to face, for any couple to face (aside from long term illness/a terminal illness in a partner). So I do know most days just how lucky I am.
But for me, I am so glad that my husband and I waited to have children.
I was able to go back to school, to take night classes and get an additional associates degree on top of my bachelors. That has increased my earning power and job options. We had insurance when the twins were born. While dealing with the insurance company, doctors and hospitals left much to be desired - at least we had that insurance and were not thrown to the whims of medicare/medicaid. I had a job that gave me short term medical leave while I was on bed rest for six weeks, and then paid leave after my babies were born.
So in addition to the more established insurance and career I had because we waited - as a
couple, my husband and I were also up to the challenge of twins. I won't lie, our relationship has been a lot of work and definitely had some challenges. But I can't imagine throwing children in before we were able to resolve issues about expectations and communication. When we started out life together, I had many expectations about what it meant to be a husband and in a relationship. Over the years, I've adjusted those expectations to be more in line with reality - but to still meet my own needs. It is a balance.
There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband and I had children shortly after marriage (or after dating), we would not be together. Or, at least, we would not be as happy and able to work through issues as we are. It would be hard to focus on our kids and give them all the love and attention they need without first having focused on ourselves.
Finally, both of us have been able to establish friendships (and maintain those friendships) outside of parenthood. We've been able to establish and maintain interests outside of our children. If we had started a family early, that would have been much more difficult - as children tend to take all of a person's energy and attention. We have good friends who have become honorary relatives (aunts and uncles) for our kids. I'm sure all this could have happened if we had kids at a very young age (22, 23).
But I watch my own parents (who started a family at 22, 23) and I think they were at a disadvantage to find these things. It's hard to find the energy to go back to school, to work on a relationship (and mutual interests), to work on finding friendships when you have a young family. The nice thing about waiting, for me, was that I remember (some days vaguely) what life was like before my toddlers were born. And I know that some day, they will grow up and leave home - and I will get to pursue those interests again. It's pretty thrilling - raising children is just one of many exciting, worthwhile things I get to do with my life.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Testing, testing 1.. 2..3...
One of the interesting things about having twins is that you're not able to blame age or birth order for the differences between your children. I wrote about this before with drum lessons, but this is more personality.
In life, I've known many people who like to push the envelope. I am one of them, my husband is one of them. And I believe my son is one of them as well.
When I say push the envelope, I simply mean, figuring out where the line is, and then trying to go over the line to see what happens.
This can be a good thing. It certainly makes life more interesting (when you're not the parent of said person). At work, I've found nothing would get done if occasionally, someone asked "why are we doing it this way again?" or merely go around the boss before asking permission first.
Thinking about it, this very thing must have made the lives of my teachers very difficult.
Anyway, I can tell my son is there. I love him, but after more than two years of this, I'm pretty sure this is part of his personality.
I don't think it's a stage.
Basically, on a regular basis, he is trying to figure out what he can get away with. From how many vegetables he needs to eat at dinner, to whether or not he actually has to go to bed at night. My daughter tries to determine this line as well, but it's different. She isn't as consistent about it.
We haven't sat around the table for an hour waiting for her to eat the vegetables on her plate.
We did that once or twice, but she figured it out (that her parents were serious). So now, she typically will eat her vegetables when asked. And don't misunderstand me, the time we had to sit around the table waiting for my son to eat his veggies is much less than it was. But I know we can't back down. One night, we can't say, oh, it's okay, don't eat your veggies. Because the next night, we may spend an hour or so negotiating.
I'm not complaining, I'm just attempting to observe that this is the way things seem to be.
I love being a parent. It's helping me work on things I need to work on (i.e. keeping boundaries). When one of my co-workers mentioned that children do this (keep pushing to try and figure out where the line was), I didn't believe her. Now I suppose I do.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
First names, Princesses and Story time...
We're here, at a little over three years, and things are feeling back to normal. Each year, things feel like they are getting back to normal - at least, as much of "normal" as they can be. So my friends who do not have children who wonder something of what it's like - for us, the first three months were very difficult. Each month or year afterward, it just gets easier and easier for us to take time for ourselves and be more grounded as parents. Each age has a different joy and challenge, but it's all less challenging than those first three (sleepless) months.
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My son, noggin, has taken to calling me by my first name. As I walked in the door from book club the other night, he ran up to me shouting "Aerin!". And I think he knows this drives me a little batty. It's a difficult distinction for a three year old - no, you call me mommy.
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My daughter, goose, is well on her way to becoming a princess. In fact, this is what she told me she wanted to be when she grew up.
(Let me say, before you say it, I hear you out there people! I'm not thrilled about this princess obsession either. In fact, when I was thinking about becoming a mother - this was not on my list of things I was going to promote for my potential daughter. I cannot say that strongly enough.
It was going to be strong women role models. Jane Austen dolls. Much like a teacher who knows cell phones will now be part of their classroom - I just try to create boundaries and other interests. Oh, and at the end of the fairy tales I talk about how they all went to college, started businesses, helped the less fortunate people in their kingdom(s), researched the next discovery in science - that one's new, I'll need to mention that next time. Who knows if it will sink in.)
Needless to say, I explained to her that there were all sorts of things she could be when she grew up. I went through various people in our lives and what they do for a living. So and so who is a lawyer. Person x who works in a nursery (sells trees and bedding plants). Person y who is an engineer. Person z who is an accountant. Person v who is a professor. Person u who is a librarian. Mom who clicks on a computer all day.
In the end, she said she wanted to click on the computer all day like I do. I'm flattered.
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I have finally given up on story time. *I* loved story time. I would sit and patiently listen to books about rain and puppy dogs. I would do the open/shut them hand games. Sometimes one (or both) of my children would sit and listen (not run around or stand directly in front of the librarian). Most of the time though, recently, they would stack the blocks in the puzzles or play with the lego wall. I have decided that it's too distracting for the other kids. The ones who are on the fence, they want to sit and listen, but they also want to run and play. It's hard for their parents to say "sit and listen, give it a try" when my two are going everywhere. So, we're taking some time off for now.
For the record, they do really well when I'm reading just to them. They sat through "Dr. Seuss' sleep book" (the entire book) the other night.
________________________________________________
My son, noggin, has taken to calling me by my first name. As I walked in the door from book club the other night, he ran up to me shouting "Aerin!". And I think he knows this drives me a little batty. It's a difficult distinction for a three year old - no, you call me mommy.
_________________________________________________
My daughter, goose, is well on her way to becoming a princess. In fact, this is what she told me she wanted to be when she grew up.
(Let me say, before you say it, I hear you out there people! I'm not thrilled about this princess obsession either. In fact, when I was thinking about becoming a mother - this was not on my list of things I was going to promote for my potential daughter. I cannot say that strongly enough.
It was going to be strong women role models. Jane Austen dolls. Much like a teacher who knows cell phones will now be part of their classroom - I just try to create boundaries and other interests. Oh, and at the end of the fairy tales I talk about how they all went to college, started businesses, helped the less fortunate people in their kingdom(s), researched the next discovery in science - that one's new, I'll need to mention that next time. Who knows if it will sink in.)
Needless to say, I explained to her that there were all sorts of things she could be when she grew up. I went through various people in our lives and what they do for a living. So and so who is a lawyer. Person x who works in a nursery (sells trees and bedding plants). Person y who is an engineer. Person z who is an accountant. Person v who is a professor. Person u who is a librarian. Mom who clicks on a computer all day.
In the end, she said she wanted to click on the computer all day like I do. I'm flattered.
___________________________________________________
I have finally given up on story time. *I* loved story time. I would sit and patiently listen to books about rain and puppy dogs. I would do the open/shut them hand games. Sometimes one (or both) of my children would sit and listen (not run around or stand directly in front of the librarian). Most of the time though, recently, they would stack the blocks in the puzzles or play with the lego wall. I have decided that it's too distracting for the other kids. The ones who are on the fence, they want to sit and listen, but they also want to run and play. It's hard for their parents to say "sit and listen, give it a try" when my two are going everywhere. So, we're taking some time off for now.
For the record, they do really well when I'm reading just to them. They sat through "Dr. Seuss' sleep book" (the entire book) the other night.
Monday, December 3, 2007
The kind of person I am
So - if you have a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 1/2 year old, and you just had boy girl twins a few weeks ago, and your husband is in his residency (the old 36 hours on, 12 hours off) - I will probably try to bring you dinner in the near future. Oh, and offer to take a night with the newborn twins so you and your husband can get some sleep.
(NOTE: my in laws took one weekend night of feedings for the first eight weeks after my twins were born. I had said that sleep was more precious than anything and I meant it.)
(NOTE: my in laws took one weekend night of feedings for the first eight weeks after my twins were born. I had said that sleep was more precious than anything and I meant it.)
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I hope you have twins
There was a time when it was not considered polite to discuss fertility medications or that a couple was trying to conceive.
And there are times that I agree with that.
On the other hand, as a society we have become much more open. From my understanding of some of these treatments and therapies, they can be very draining emotionally and difficult. They can be very expensive. So it makes sense (to me) that one's friends and families be able to support a couple going through this process.
I found out last week that I have two sets of friends who are going the fertility med route. And there is a part of me that wishes for them, I hope you have twins.
I know it sounds crazy. I can't believe I'm saying it either. Twin pregnancies are automatically high risk. Lots of things can go wrong with a singleton pregnancy - so two are twice the risk.
Many moms of twins have to go on bed rest. Almost 50% of twins are born prematurely, and may have to spend time in the NICU.
And I also remember, exhausted a few days after my twins were born, asking my Mom - how do people do this? And also thinking that I would never wish twins (the work associated with twins) on anyone.
But I've slept since then.
I just know both couples will be fabulous parents. If they are able to have children, they will love and cherish them. It's not fair that some people are able to have children who shouldn't be parents - and others' who would be great parents are not able to be.
And there are times that I agree with that.
On the other hand, as a society we have become much more open. From my understanding of some of these treatments and therapies, they can be very draining emotionally and difficult. They can be very expensive. So it makes sense (to me) that one's friends and families be able to support a couple going through this process.
I found out last week that I have two sets of friends who are going the fertility med route. And there is a part of me that wishes for them, I hope you have twins.
I know it sounds crazy. I can't believe I'm saying it either. Twin pregnancies are automatically high risk. Lots of things can go wrong with a singleton pregnancy - so two are twice the risk.
Many moms of twins have to go on bed rest. Almost 50% of twins are born prematurely, and may have to spend time in the NICU.
And I also remember, exhausted a few days after my twins were born, asking my Mom - how do people do this? And also thinking that I would never wish twins (the work associated with twins) on anyone.
But I've slept since then.
I just know both couples will be fabulous parents. If they are able to have children, they will love and cherish them. It's not fair that some people are able to have children who shouldn't be parents - and others' who would be great parents are not able to be.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Twins talking, fear of baths and the Infamous Choo Choo
Despite all of the stress I've been under recently, my kids are doing well.
They are firmly two year olds. They have been known to fight over objects and to throw tantrums. The other night, for example, I refused to turn on the dvd of Thomas the tank engine. Luckily the tantrums last around a minute or less until they realize they're not going to get their way.
Thomas (a.k.a. choo-choo) is the current favorite at our home. I'm not sure why my son noggin is obsessed. I think maybe it's because he can name all the engines (His favorites are a toss up between Percy and Henry). I remember watching some "Shining Time Station" when my younger siblings were growing up. Never did I imagine that I would be watching a similar program with my own children.
Fortunately, he can be torn away from Thomas by going outside, going on a walk, going to the park, etc. But if we're in the our living room and thinking about watching a dvd, he's probably going to demand "choo-choo". (Never mind the fact that we've seen the episode three times already that day).
Both kids, but especially noggin have a firm grasp on language. (If you remember, I was concerned about their lack of language a few months ago). Every day he says more words. And he repeats words that we say. My husband and I have toned down our language, but it's still sobering when he repeats words like "bucket", "away", "die", etc. He repeats words like Arlo Guthrie's character to the army recruiter in Alice's Restaurant. Noggin has this way of saying "I silly" that is just hysterical. Every time he says it (in a two year old James Cagney way) I laugh.
Goose had taken to not liking the bath. Every time it was time for a bath, she would run to the nearest adult (usually her father) and cry. While standing in the bath, she would scream. Her brother likes bath time and everything to do with the bathroom (he waves bye to the toilets - potties - at Lowe's).
So last night we put bubbles in the bathtub. This is a first, since they have sensitive skin and I thought they would break out in hives. Goose loved the bubbles. She didn't cry at all. She stayed in the tub longer than her brother. She had a great time throwing the bubbles around the bathtub.
We will probably be using bubbles for the foreseeable future.
Goose also loves choo- choo, but not as much. She doesn't seem to use as many words as her brother does, but she talks just as much. Often, it's hard to tell what she's saying. It sounds like she's babbling, and then every so often, she says a full sentence like "I'm okay". She still will sit with books and read through them herself.
Goose, like her great grandmother and great aunt (chanson's mom), loves watermelon. Truthfully, she likes all kinds of melons in general. She eats it like candy. Yesterday I had some out on the table but had not given her any yet. She recognized the sliced watermelon and cried until I gave her some.
She's also not a good sleeper, or needs less sleep than her brother does. She will talk herself to sleep - sometimes up to forty five minutes of singing and talking. If we bring her into the front room, she runs around, not looking sleepy - excited to be the center of attention. (We've been watching Simon Schama's Power of Art recently, which is really pretty good. Although, parts are violent and not really child friendly. So Goose doesn't get to join us for those episodes).
Some friends of ours brought their eight month old daughter over the other day. She is very cute, but very tiny. She can sit up on her own. Both noggin and goose were very respectful. I was astounded to compare the two of them to her. They are little kids - no longer a baby like she is. It's sad and exciting at the same time. They were very cautious around her, and when she started crying for her dad, noggin said "(insert cute little girl's name here) sad". The next day we went outside, and he said the same thing - although our friends were gone.
Noggin actually sat and watched the fireworks (on tv) with me last night. Goose ran around the front room, which, in all honesty, is what watching tv or movies with my two are like. They'll watch five to ten minutes, and then run around.
We're planning a trip to the beach for the near future (yes, for you Florida readers, there are beaches in the midwest, just not the same kind of beaches that you have!) We'll see how that goes! We recently went to a swimming/toddler pool, and they had a great time. So I hope it will go well.
All is all, this is a good time with them, and I couldn't ask for better kids.
They are firmly two year olds. They have been known to fight over objects and to throw tantrums. The other night, for example, I refused to turn on the dvd of Thomas the tank engine. Luckily the tantrums last around a minute or less until they realize they're not going to get their way.
Thomas (a.k.a. choo-choo) is the current favorite at our home. I'm not sure why my son noggin is obsessed. I think maybe it's because he can name all the engines (His favorites are a toss up between Percy and Henry). I remember watching some "Shining Time Station" when my younger siblings were growing up. Never did I imagine that I would be watching a similar program with my own children.
Fortunately, he can be torn away from Thomas by going outside, going on a walk, going to the park, etc. But if we're in the our living room and thinking about watching a dvd, he's probably going to demand "choo-choo". (Never mind the fact that we've seen the episode three times already that day).
Both kids, but especially noggin have a firm grasp on language. (If you remember, I was concerned about their lack of language a few months ago). Every day he says more words. And he repeats words that we say. My husband and I have toned down our language, but it's still sobering when he repeats words like "bucket", "away", "die", etc. He repeats words like Arlo Guthrie's character to the army recruiter in Alice's Restaurant. Noggin has this way of saying "I silly" that is just hysterical. Every time he says it (in a two year old James Cagney way) I laugh.
Goose had taken to not liking the bath. Every time it was time for a bath, she would run to the nearest adult (usually her father) and cry. While standing in the bath, she would scream. Her brother likes bath time and everything to do with the bathroom (he waves bye to the toilets - potties - at Lowe's).
So last night we put bubbles in the bathtub. This is a first, since they have sensitive skin and I thought they would break out in hives. Goose loved the bubbles. She didn't cry at all. She stayed in the tub longer than her brother. She had a great time throwing the bubbles around the bathtub.
We will probably be using bubbles for the foreseeable future.
Goose also loves choo- choo, but not as much. She doesn't seem to use as many words as her brother does, but she talks just as much. Often, it's hard to tell what she's saying. It sounds like she's babbling, and then every so often, she says a full sentence like "I'm okay". She still will sit with books and read through them herself.
Goose, like her great grandmother and great aunt (chanson's mom), loves watermelon. Truthfully, she likes all kinds of melons in general. She eats it like candy. Yesterday I had some out on the table but had not given her any yet. She recognized the sliced watermelon and cried until I gave her some.
She's also not a good sleeper, or needs less sleep than her brother does. She will talk herself to sleep - sometimes up to forty five minutes of singing and talking. If we bring her into the front room, she runs around, not looking sleepy - excited to be the center of attention. (We've been watching Simon Schama's Power of Art recently, which is really pretty good. Although, parts are violent and not really child friendly. So Goose doesn't get to join us for those episodes).
Some friends of ours brought their eight month old daughter over the other day. She is very cute, but very tiny. She can sit up on her own. Both noggin and goose were very respectful. I was astounded to compare the two of them to her. They are little kids - no longer a baby like she is. It's sad and exciting at the same time. They were very cautious around her, and when she started crying for her dad, noggin said "(insert cute little girl's name here) sad". The next day we went outside, and he said the same thing - although our friends were gone.
Noggin actually sat and watched the fireworks (on tv) with me last night. Goose ran around the front room, which, in all honesty, is what watching tv or movies with my two are like. They'll watch five to ten minutes, and then run around.
We're planning a trip to the beach for the near future (yes, for you Florida readers, there are beaches in the midwest, just not the same kind of beaches that you have!) We'll see how that goes! We recently went to a swimming/toddler pool, and they had a great time. So I hope it will go well.
All is all, this is a good time with them, and I couldn't ask for better kids.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Twins!
I know I've told part of this story to some of you before, but wanted to mention it again here.
I was 9 weeks pregnant and the doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound to determine how far along I was.
I went to the u/s (for the uninitiated, that's an ultrasound) on my own - my husband had to work and we wanted to save money and his sick days.
In the back of my mind, I suppose I knew that there was a possibility that we could be having twins. I even mentioned it to my husband in the morning before I left.
But, with that caveat, no one in my large extended family had twins. My dad is one of ten children. Of the 40 first cousins I have and some 10 first cousins once removed (my cousin's children) - no incidence of twins. On my mom's side, while there are only 11 of us, no twins there either.
So you can't blame me for being shocked when the technician said that there were two. I'm trying to remember her exact words, if she said that there were two or if she first asked me whether or not there were twins in my family. Needless to say, I was not facing the monitor at the time.
My first reaction was to ask her if she was joking. The technician seemed very offended by this question (I'm sure I'm not the only one who has reacted this way to the news). She said in a very serious response, "I would not joke about something like this". Needless to say, she turned the monitor towards me and yup, there were two. They looked like little beans. (I would post the u/s photo here, but alas, my scanner is broken). I think she also mentioned that she had told someone about their triplets the month before. So that was reassuring. Yes, there were two, but they were not triplets.
Depending on the statistics you read, twins can be naturally occurring in 1 out of 90 pregnancies or 1 out of 35. When I say naturally occurring, I mean no fertility meds or IVF involved.
We have fraternal twins, meaning two eggs were fertilized. We know that we have fraternal twins since we have a boy and a girl - 99.9% of boy girl twins are fraternal. I think they are more common than identical twins. Most of you probably already know this, but you would be surprised how many people on the street still ask us, "Identical or Fraternal". Truthfully, every time someone asks me this question I become just a little sad in the state of public education, which is where most people are supposed to learn about the differences between identical and fraternal twins.
A multiple pregnancy is also automatically a high risk pregnancy. I had four ultrasounds (counting that first one) throughout my pregnancy. We were incredibly fortunate to deliver two healthy babies. But with two babies, it multiplies the chance that something could go wrong. I do know of three different families (friends of friends) who lost one twin or both twins at different points during their pregnancies. So I knew it was risky.
My advice for all twin moms that I talk with is 1 - be prepared to go on bed rest. You might think this sounds silly, but out of the 7 twin moms that I know personally (not including those families above), only one did not have to go on bed rest. And that does not include any of the celebrity twin parents (think Julia Roberts) out there. Granted, this is anecdotal evidence, but in my opinion, it's a strong indicator.
For me personally, bed rest was particularly difficult because I read too much.
Currently, there is some debate among physicians about just how good bed rest is, and whether or not it stops labor. Yet, despite this debate, around 32 weeks I was hospitalized for pre-term labor and put on terb (a.k.a. terbutaline). Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, until 37 weeks, I had to take a terb pill every four hours. The good news is, terb stopped my labor and I didn't have to be hospitalized or go on more serious medication (like Magnesium).
Again, I had heard horror stories about hospitalization and magnesium, so I'm incredibly grateful that terb worked. Also, that my two didn't end up in the NICU, which they most certainly would have if they had been born at 32 weeks.
Let me just say it now, bed rest sucked. It really sucked. Here I am, a very independent person, someone who likes to leave the house every day, and I am stuck at home for 6 weeks. Some people like to say "I'd love the time off!" - but what no one mentions is that sleep is difficult (due to the extra weight), you probably have back problems, you could have acid reflux or morning sickness, and there are two babies inside of you that are constantly kicking (they also hit or roll around, which no one ever mentions). Or - you may have contractions on and off that you need to monitor in case they become regular or strong.
To top it all off, you're worried that something could go wrong during labor, you have the ominous possibility of labor and delivery ahead of you, and the realization that you will not sleep well for the next three months to one year. I wanted to prepare for something that you cannot prepare for.
There are some things you can do. Thank goodness I was able to set up a recliner next to my computer. I played "Quest for Glory 2" - an old rpg game. The graphics are old school, to say the least. I watched lots of movies. My husband did all the shopping - something he was not used to doing. I couldn't do any laundry or housework - again, for me, stuck inside the house and just looking at whatever mess was there, was stressful. Before I was on bed rest, it wouldn't have been a big deal to pick whatever it was up. Now I just had to look at it and wait until my husband got home.
Thank goodness my mother in law and father in law were there and were very supportive. My mother in law helped with the cleaning, which again, given how independent I was, was difficult. If you've ever sat on the couch, watched someone else vacuum your floor and felt uncomfortable, that was me. My father in law took me to some of my prenatal appointments so my husband didn't miss more work. My husband actually was able to leave his cell phone on at his work (typically strictly forbidden) since I could go into labor at any time.
I'm not going to go into my frustration with my doctor, who was going to let me go to 41 weeks before inducing me. But thank goodness, at 38 weeks 1 day, I delivered two wonderful, healthy babies. My son was 7.5 lbs., my daughter 6.0 lbs. Yes, that means near the end I was carrying around 13.5 lbs. of baby. Their birth story I may save for another day.
After all that time on bed rest, and after the first six weeks without sleep, I was actually pretty happy to go back to work. It was nice to go back to a place where I knew exactly what I was in for. Although my cube had a fine layer of dust on it, everything was pretty much the same. After all the chaos in my personal life, the stability was appreciated.
I was 9 weeks pregnant and the doctor wanted me to have an ultrasound to determine how far along I was.
I went to the u/s (for the uninitiated, that's an ultrasound) on my own - my husband had to work and we wanted to save money and his sick days.
In the back of my mind, I suppose I knew that there was a possibility that we could be having twins. I even mentioned it to my husband in the morning before I left.
But, with that caveat, no one in my large extended family had twins. My dad is one of ten children. Of the 40 first cousins I have and some 10 first cousins once removed (my cousin's children) - no incidence of twins. On my mom's side, while there are only 11 of us, no twins there either.
So you can't blame me for being shocked when the technician said that there were two. I'm trying to remember her exact words, if she said that there were two or if she first asked me whether or not there were twins in my family. Needless to say, I was not facing the monitor at the time.
My first reaction was to ask her if she was joking. The technician seemed very offended by this question (I'm sure I'm not the only one who has reacted this way to the news). She said in a very serious response, "I would not joke about something like this". Needless to say, she turned the monitor towards me and yup, there were two. They looked like little beans. (I would post the u/s photo here, but alas, my scanner is broken). I think she also mentioned that she had told someone about their triplets the month before. So that was reassuring. Yes, there were two, but they were not triplets.
Depending on the statistics you read, twins can be naturally occurring in 1 out of 90 pregnancies or 1 out of 35. When I say naturally occurring, I mean no fertility meds or IVF involved.
We have fraternal twins, meaning two eggs were fertilized. We know that we have fraternal twins since we have a boy and a girl - 99.9% of boy girl twins are fraternal. I think they are more common than identical twins. Most of you probably already know this, but you would be surprised how many people on the street still ask us, "Identical or Fraternal". Truthfully, every time someone asks me this question I become just a little sad in the state of public education, which is where most people are supposed to learn about the differences between identical and fraternal twins.
A multiple pregnancy is also automatically a high risk pregnancy. I had four ultrasounds (counting that first one) throughout my pregnancy. We were incredibly fortunate to deliver two healthy babies. But with two babies, it multiplies the chance that something could go wrong. I do know of three different families (friends of friends) who lost one twin or both twins at different points during their pregnancies. So I knew it was risky.
My advice for all twin moms that I talk with is 1 - be prepared to go on bed rest. You might think this sounds silly, but out of the 7 twin moms that I know personally (not including those families above), only one did not have to go on bed rest. And that does not include any of the celebrity twin parents (think Julia Roberts) out there. Granted, this is anecdotal evidence, but in my opinion, it's a strong indicator.
For me personally, bed rest was particularly difficult because I read too much.
Currently, there is some debate among physicians about just how good bed rest is, and whether or not it stops labor. Yet, despite this debate, around 32 weeks I was hospitalized for pre-term labor and put on terb (a.k.a. terbutaline). Throughout the rest of my pregnancy, until 37 weeks, I had to take a terb pill every four hours. The good news is, terb stopped my labor and I didn't have to be hospitalized or go on more serious medication (like Magnesium).
Again, I had heard horror stories about hospitalization and magnesium, so I'm incredibly grateful that terb worked. Also, that my two didn't end up in the NICU, which they most certainly would have if they had been born at 32 weeks.
Let me just say it now, bed rest sucked. It really sucked. Here I am, a very independent person, someone who likes to leave the house every day, and I am stuck at home for 6 weeks. Some people like to say "I'd love the time off!" - but what no one mentions is that sleep is difficult (due to the extra weight), you probably have back problems, you could have acid reflux or morning sickness, and there are two babies inside of you that are constantly kicking (they also hit or roll around, which no one ever mentions). Or - you may have contractions on and off that you need to monitor in case they become regular or strong.
To top it all off, you're worried that something could go wrong during labor, you have the ominous possibility of labor and delivery ahead of you, and the realization that you will not sleep well for the next three months to one year. I wanted to prepare for something that you cannot prepare for.
There are some things you can do. Thank goodness I was able to set up a recliner next to my computer. I played "Quest for Glory 2" - an old rpg game. The graphics are old school, to say the least. I watched lots of movies. My husband did all the shopping - something he was not used to doing. I couldn't do any laundry or housework - again, for me, stuck inside the house and just looking at whatever mess was there, was stressful. Before I was on bed rest, it wouldn't have been a big deal to pick whatever it was up. Now I just had to look at it and wait until my husband got home.
Thank goodness my mother in law and father in law were there and were very supportive. My mother in law helped with the cleaning, which again, given how independent I was, was difficult. If you've ever sat on the couch, watched someone else vacuum your floor and felt uncomfortable, that was me. My father in law took me to some of my prenatal appointments so my husband didn't miss more work. My husband actually was able to leave his cell phone on at his work (typically strictly forbidden) since I could go into labor at any time.
I'm not going to go into my frustration with my doctor, who was going to let me go to 41 weeks before inducing me. But thank goodness, at 38 weeks 1 day, I delivered two wonderful, healthy babies. My son was 7.5 lbs., my daughter 6.0 lbs. Yes, that means near the end I was carrying around 13.5 lbs. of baby. Their birth story I may save for another day.
After all that time on bed rest, and after the first six weeks without sleep, I was actually pretty happy to go back to work. It was nice to go back to a place where I knew exactly what I was in for. Although my cube had a fine layer of dust on it, everything was pretty much the same. After all the chaos in my personal life, the stability was appreciated.
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