Years ago, I was dating a guy who turned out to be a total jerk. Well, really, he did turn out to be a jerk in my opinion. This is not a label that I throw around lightly. After we dated, he kept getting in these relationships with women that followed a certain progression. He and his girlfriend would be attached at the hip. When they define "attached at the hip", there should be a photo of this couple. You would always see them together outside classes, one would be waiting outside of the class for the other to come out. It was spooky. Then, after around six months or so, he would dump them (the girlfriends), cold turkey. The girlfriends were left struggling to figure out who they were, struggle to develop friends, and figure out what was so alluring about the new girl. There wasn't just one that this happened to. Yes, of course, they were also part of this. I'm just holding him equally accountable.
I actually hold no ill will towards him. I thank whatever higher power that we broke up as quickly as we did. He's actually on my list of people that I can't believe I dated. And he still hasn't friended me on certain social networking sites, which is stunning.
Back in the day, he was of the mindset that friends had to like everything. It was a little disturbing. He would talk about friends of his from high school - how this small group had "the same excited reaction" to various movies, etc. Particular actors also invoked this reaction, shakespearean actors for example. Looking back on it, I wonder just how honest everyone was.
So one night, he wanted to watch a certain movie that he had a near spiritual experience to. He kept raving about the brilliance of this movie. How as soon as I saw it, I would get it.
I watched the movie. It was, in fact, pretty good.
It wasn't the best thing since sliced bread though. I certainly didn't have a spiritual experience. In fact, I was left wondering what the big deal was (another example of too much hype). I was honest with him about it, although perhaps I gave a rose colored glass perspective.
It was the beginning of the end of the relationship.
I was young, this was a long time ago, things might have changed since then. But I was struck by the notion that friends couldn't disagree. That people in relationships couldn't have separate lives and interests.
This weekend, I may go see a local choral performance. I was in choir in high school, and I loved it. When I think back on high school, the time in choir is one of the bright points. I may consider trying out for this choir at some point in the future. Who knows.
My husband doesn't share this passion. I wrote about our different interestshere. I don't think any less of our relationship for it. I don't think any less of friends of mine that can't stand choral music. There are lots of other things that we've found like this. Interests I have and he doesn't, or vice versa. Same with many of my friends.
I love that we have different interests and hobbies. I love that we have different reactions to things. It's thrilling to have things in common, but it's nice to have my own space. I can't imagine how boring it would be to like everything in the same amount. To have the same reactions to everything - what would be the point of conversation?
5 comments:
*edited to try and fix the formatting - wish me luck.
It's hard to imagine how any relationship that did not involve significant differences could last long. I wonder if insisting on such similarity is a method of control. It certainly seems to preclude allowing the other person to bring anything unique to the relationship. Incidentally, I also had a movie disagreement with the person you are talking about here. Within a week of meeting him, said movie was being shown on campus. Said movie bored me to tears. I never really became friends with this person, and as I read your post, I thought, haha, maybe it was my movie heathenism!
I doubt he'll ever have lasting relationships with that attitude. I have yet to find someone who has the exact opinions as I do. :) You're right, that would be boring.
Oh, now I'm curious. Which movie NN? Because if it's the movie I'm thinking of, it had Steve Martin in it (and I thought you liked Steve Martin???). And yeah. Knowing said person, you know why I look back and say "what was I thinking????" I was young. What can I say.
Thanks FFG. I think he's married now. I think (although I do not know) that he may be married to the same person from high school from his group from long ago. At least, that's my assumption because it would fit nicely.
I've had that experience of thinking "OK, not bad, but it isn't that great..." when a friend over-hypes a movie. You're right that it's a problem in a relationship if one partner frowns on the other partner having a separate opinion. Like you, I'm glad to have some interests that aren't the same as my husband's.
And good luck with the choir!!! You might compare notes with Laurie -- she's in the choir at BYU, and even sang at General Conference! :D
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