New Tricks

I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms. - Henry David Thoreau, Walden or Life in the Woods

The past years of transition have been ones with many firsts for me.  I am also consciously embarking on many new experiences.  I'm finding a mix between the comfort of routine and branching out.

I went golfing.  I am not a golfer, have never been a golfer.  I've played lots of mini-golf, but true golf is a bit different.  I've also played video game golf, but again, there's a big difference between clicking some buttons and determining one's stance.  It can be tricky not to hit the golf ball like a baseball.

I went golfing with my work team.  Mostly I drove the golf cart.  I knew ahead of time I would not be very good, and I wasn't.  But it was certainly a new experience.  I prefer to do things (particularly at work) that I know and understand.  There is already a great deal of programmer culture to appear that one knows different technologies or programs (whether or not one does).

There's a tendency to want to rest on my laurels, but that's not how I want to live.  I want to be doing and trying new things throughout my life, no matter what age.

Then this past week, I stayed in a hotel by myself.

It was one of those things I was struck by.  It must sound so odd.

Here I am, a professional woman in her late thirties, and I've never stayed in a hotel by myself before. It's not that I haven't traveled before (I have) or that I haven't stayed in a hotel before (I certainly have).  It's just that usually when I travel, I would go with someone else;  my kids, my former partner, friends or family.  Or, I would travel to a friend or relative's home (by myself) and stay with them.  I haven't traveled for work before and needed to stay in a hotel.

I suppose that's why it felt disjointed, I wasn't aware that this would be a new experience, and yet it was.

New job update

white tulip 2013

Friends, my new job is going well.  It was intensely overwhelming the first week - but each day it's becoming more manageable.  I just don't have a great deal of free time. 

This is a good thing.

Perhaps (as one friend observed) I'm still in the honeymoon phase.  But I'm struck that I should have done this a long time ago.  I didn't, and there were specific reasons for not leaving.  I also find I am being overly negative about my former job.  But I recognize that as well, and also recognize that it's not who I want to be.  While I wasn't responsible for everything there, I am responsible for my choices and actions.  I chose to stay in a situation that was not ideal.

I know the honeymoon won't last.  It's always nice to realize that I had the right take on the situation for me, that I made the right decision for me.  

Cleaning out the closets

I have a few days between jobs, and I am cleaning.  Generally I dislike cleaning.  Organization does not come naturally. 

One of my sisters moved recently, and I thought about how difficult it would be for my family to move at the moment.  We have a lot of stuff that keeps accumulating.  And on top of that, I have a general reluctance to throwing anything away. 

So in this closet cleaning process, I have piles for donation, for resale, for recycling.  But some things I will need to simply throw away. 

Here are some of the things I've gone through already:
-a vase that was a wedding gift (never taken out of the box)
-a clock we got from the wedding that hasn't worked for over ten years
-coats I never wore
-a cheese plate that I never unpacked
-old medications and beauty products (lotions from ten years ago, etc.)
-old VHS tapes
-old VHS tapes that people gave us as gifts that were never watched or opened

And the list goes on.  Sometimes I give things away, and then regret that choice.  I worry - in downsizing - that I will give something away that I really want or need. 

Without organization, however, I can't even find the things I know I already have.  Anti-itch lotion is a perfect example - I had three unopened tubes in various places. 

And the chances of me using that vase are unlikely - I thought it was ugly when I got it.  I could have re-gifted - but it was too ugly to give to anyone I cared about. 

My mantra has been that someone else can use it (this is true).  That things can't replace memories.  That if I haven't used it in the past year, it's on the list.  If it doesn't fit or is broken, it's time to go. 

I could so easily end up like relatives who had phone books from the 1980s (true story) next to extra cans of varnish. And drawers full of keys.  I don't want to be that way.  I don't want to put my friends and family through that.

It's a metaphor for life (of sorts).  Periodically, it's important to re-assess and re-organize.  To concentrate on what's important, and let the other stuff go.

It's just business

Everybody knows that it's now or never

Everybody knows that it's me or you...

Everybody knows the deal is rotten

"Everybody Knows" - Leonard Cohen

At one of my first jobs, a co-worker mentioned that he hadn't planned on working for his prior employer for ten years.  He just woke up one day and found that he had been there ten years.  At the time, I was skeptical. 

Yet I have found myself in a similar position.

In the fifth season of Mad Men, Don takes Peggy's work for granted.  He tells her that everything she's earned is from him.  As the last straw (not surprising for a fictional drama), he throws money in her face.

When she discusses a move with the person who really discovered her, her friend reminds her that Don wouldn't think twice about taking a business opportunity.  He bluntly remarks that it's just business.  Don wouldn't think about it emotionally, in terms of loyalty.  Peggy ends up taking the promotion (and raise) and leaves the advertising agency.

It's a scene I've thought about often in the past few months.  Truth isn't always stranger than fiction.

I have decided to take a new job opportunity.  I've also woken up after being at my employer for over ten years.  It's amazing to think about what's changed in ten years on the internet. 

I've learned a lot.  I've worked hard (in fact, that's what my boss specifically said about me when I mentioned I was leaving.  That I was a hard worker.  Go me!  That's exactly what I want people to know about me). 

But I've hit a glass ceiling of sorts.  And, much like Peggy's character, I know I'm not really getting what I'm worth. 

I think the modern workplace is structured this way.  It's human to take people and situations for granted.

Multiple people have told me that the only person looking out for my career is me.  It's true.  My company isn't looking out for my career.  And some of my co-workers - if they had a good opportunity, they would also take it without looking back, without thinking twice.

For me, the change is odd.  I tend to stay in situations simply because I've been there a long time, not because they are what's best for me.  Sometimes I stay longer than I need to.  And I admittedly have some anxiety about the whole thing.  Part of me would rather stay where it's safe, to stay with what's known. 

But life is too short. And this is just how business works. 

The consultant

I've had this cartoon up at my work forever.

There's an internet persona I encounter as a part of my job.  Basically, whenever someone has a question with a particular piece of software I work with*, he seems to weigh in.  Usually his comments decry that the original questioner is not a trained specialist, is asking ignorant questions, and he sharply criticizes management for not hiring professionals.  Obviously, this person has a financial interest in these comments - as he is a consultant who makes a living by advising in this field.  He's paid to be an expert, and to criticize the organization and its projects (right or wrong).

This type of arrogant attitude has always gotten under my skin.  In high school, a person was a "poser" without certain punk qualifications.  In college, it had to do with whether or not I had read certain authors or watched certain movies.  At my first job, it was whether or not my degree was in computer science.  For the record, at least that criticism had some basis in reality; a degree in computer science meant a higher salary and less job security.  If that company could keep hiring people without computer science degrees for a lot less money, they would fire the pricier computer science majors.

One sees this in former mormon circles a lot.  People have to trot out their mormon qualifications for speaking up about mormonism.  Born in the church, pioneer/polygamous ancestry (people don't usually mention the polygamy), mission, temple marriage, served in various callings are some of what's discussed.  Then, when they don't have that history, they're criticized for not have enough experience.  When they do, they're criticized for breaking sacred oaths and not enduring to the end.

So there's a vested interest in claiming people don't know what they're talking about.  Personally, I believe it's a balance. 

Of course people have to have a certain amount of knowledge and experience.  I wouldn't want an untrained doctor operating on me or my family. And some experiences cannot be learned.  I don't know what it's like to grow up as a male of color or in southeast Asia.

But it's ridiculous to always claim a person always needs certain education or experience that cannot be learned.  Humanity didn't get this far by assuming a person cannot learn, that they can only learn in certain ways, with certain official qualifications. 

Humans innovate.  They try to make things better.  Sometimes it's worth giving people the benefit of the doubt.

And if a person has read your diatribe against management hiring inexperienced people enough times that one can recognize your name and statements, maybe it's time to revisit your strategy.  I certainly wouldn't hire someone so obnoxious.  I would be concerned that my company or system would be dismissed - that the consultant wouldn't be working towards a solution. 

*For full disclosure, I found most of these questions by googling questions that *I* have had - so I wouldn't say the original questions were completely out of line. 

Not so far from reality

I've been watching Mad Men - I just finished Season 2 on a streaming movie/tv service.  One feminist website I read (the hathor legacy) claims that although the show attempts to paint the misogyny as in the past, it's still smacks of misogyny and priveldge. 

I agree that the writers/producers are having fun with the smoke filled pregnancies and Scotch filled offices.

What strikes me, however, is that while a lot has changed in fifty years, some things haven't changed.

Years ago, I heard an interview with the creators of Arrested Development *.  That show is extreme, the relationships are bizarre, dysfunctional on steroids.  Yet the creators said they made it that way on purpose, as many families are really sort of similar.  They're just not that bad.  There's a part of humor that hits close to home - that's why it's funny.

So while many people see obvious parts of Mad Men that are no longer true, the office smoking, the admonishment by everyone (men and women) to wear shorter skirts - some of it is still around, here in 2011.  I was harassed at one of my first jobs - a fast food place.  Was my boss hitting on me (he was only five years older).  Was it inappropriate?  Yes.  Did he feel entitled?  Why?

And I have been in workplace situations (like Peggy) while I was the only woman at the table - and expected to take notes.  When everyone looks to Peggy to turn on the projector - it rang surprisingly true.  Obviously, this doesn't happen in every situation.  Could I have refused?  Yes.  Could I have even spoken up and pointed out that there was an assumption there - that I would take notes because I'm female?  Yes.  Or maybe the assumption had nothing to do with the fact that I'm a woman.  Yet, I think some things are subconscious.

The culture has changed outwardly.  I don't have to wear heels and a skirt to the office.  Co-workers won't tell me "they like the view".  I've had multiple female bosses.  My husband was a stay at home Dad.

But there is an undercurrent that still rings true and is still around.  Some cultural and political assumptions still impact us.  They're just not as obvious any longer.

* I thought that was the link to the interview, but apparently not.  My google abilities are not working for me today - but I'm pretty sure that's the interview I remember. Unless I was dreaming it.

Anger into action

Recently I've found myself getting overwhelmed with anger about a few issues.

For some of the issues, I have every right to be angry. Some involve things that happened in the past, long ago. The things that happened in the past I can't do anything about.

So I've been exploring what it is that I am really angry about. Is my anger justified - what am I scared of (is there any fear there).

I realize that dwelling on my anger (are women supposed to be angry??) doesn't help anyone. Certainly it doesn't help me live and enjoy my life, it doesn't help my marriage or my relationship with my kids. All it does is leave a bad taste in my mouth.

(As an aside, I didn't realize just how angry I was for a long time. Now my struggle is focusing my anger into acknowledgment and then productive anger. And accepting the past as something I can't change).

A friend once told me that being angry about other people's actions or behaviors is like taking the poison yourself and expecting the other person to get sick. I agree.

In one of the cases, with my anger towards a work situation, I figured out there is something I can do. There are actions I can take that I have taken (calmly). I've figured out what my triggers are in the situation (perceiving that I'm being taken advantage of), and the risks of me speaking out (and the risks of not speaking out).

The relief and empowerment that I've felt by speaking up - despite awkwardness - have been palpable. Even if changes don't happen, I have choices - and that is priceless.

I find that many seemingly immovable situations or things in my life change over time. They are like glaciers. It seems like some of these "truths" are unchanging but there is change going on - just slowly. And I realize that I change over time, my perceptions of what's going on change as well.

How this relates to mormonism? There may be things that can be changed - requests that a person can make here in the present in some  family situations. 

Being open to thinking about those changes - being open to the possibility of action can be freeing (to my mind). I can't say what those requests might be - but figuring out if there are little parts of the glacier that I can chip at. There are boundaries I can set. There are people I don't have to talk to or be around. There are people I can be around that I don't discuss certain issues with (like faith or mormonism).

Figuring out the things that I'm angry about that I literally cannot do anything to change has been very helpful (a great example for me has been the mormon.org billboard that I drive past when taking my kids to school). 

It should come as no surprise to anyone here, I disagree with that use of funds by the LDS church.  With all the desperate need in this world, I disagree with advertising the diversity of the LDS church (I disagree that the LDS church is really a diverse organization).  So I can focus on that disagreement every time I pass the billboard, or I can accept that I can't change all of those things and let it go.

There are quite a few things that I am angry about that I can't do anything to change. I've thought about it, extensively, and there's nothing I can do. So when I'm aware of that, I choose to let my immediate anger go - realizing - I can't do anything about this, and so I choose not to dwell on my anger about it.

My September 11th rememberance

All this week, npr has been running a series remembering Sept. 11th, how Americans have changed, honoring those who died.  

I was thinking about what I would like to remember, and what I want to convey about that day and the response. 

In the days and years that followed, the 11th of September has taken on mythical proportions.  I can respect and honor ceremony and ritual. 

Yet I believe there are key points for future generations to remember, things I don't hear very often.  For the record, I honor all those who lost their lives that day, in the days that followed because they were first responders, in the two ensuing wars; both military and civilian casualities.

There is a great episode of "Family Guy" where Lois is running for office.  You can find the video on youtube under "Lois runs for office".  She keeps trying to explain her position, which everyone ignores.  Yet then she starts saying "9 - 11" and everyone keeps applauding madly.   Americans might not have paid attention to these other parts of the world before, but it suddenly became unpatriotic to not display a flag*.  Or to be skeptical of what was being sold when politicians invoked "9-11".  It seemed like a disservice to everyone to use Sept. 11th to advance one's political agenda. 

So what's it all about? What does it mean?

I was shocked when I heard about the second plane.  I turned on the radio, and there was a discussion of coal mining until they broke into "morning edition" with the news. 

I listened to the coverage, but I kept working.  I checked websites, e-mail lists.  At my work, some people went home, some people dismissed employees early, but some of us shouldered on.

I don't think I was the only person.  I didn't work as hard as usual, but I didn't spend most of the day in the break room watching tv.  Some of my co-workers did, many people did, and that's okay.  I wasn't in New York or D.C.  I didn't directly know anyone who worked in the Pentagon or World Trade Center. 

And most importantly, I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do here in the mid-west.  It was a very scary time, most people would have been listening to the news when we heard about the plane at the Pentagon, and the flight in Pennsylvania. We weren't sure when (or if) another attack would come.  Yet fear is not a great motivator for decision making, succumbing to fear helps no one.

Many people gave blood, money - I remember a theory that we should buy airline stock, since it would go down the first day the market re-opened. 

Simply put, I have a lot of respect who did what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences.  The people who did their jobs that day, those who went into burning buildings, who continue to fight in the wars, and those who support the troops. Also those who may support the troops but want to bring them home. 

Some of us refused to be swayed from our primary purpose; whatever that is, whatever that means.  We refused to spend more energy on what was happening in NY and our capital, that day, and in the weeks that followed. 

It's not that we don't "mourn with those who mourn"; but I know there is a lot of evil in the world.  There was evil before Hitler, before 2001, and evil still exists.  The United States is certainly not the only country attacked by terrorists.  We weren't the first, and we won't be the last either. If only that could be the case; if only saying it would make it so.  And some of us know that two wrongs don't make a right.

I believe it is just as important, to everyone's memory, to spend as much energy as necessary in a crisis. And that will be different for each person.  To continue to do what makes America great, what honors humanity.  We can mourn, participate in ceremony, but in the end, I believe not being dissuaded honors everyone.

I don't think there has to be one reaction, and I still don't believe there was a right or wrong reaction that day, or in the weeks that followed.  My point is, there was more than one reaction that day; there is more than one reaction to fear. 

*I really appreciated David Foster Wallace's take on what happened on September 11th.

Time Constraints, Blogging and Miscellany

Recently I've been engaging in introspection about this blog; what I want to say, what I want to say publicly. Not that I ever had much of a filter.  But now I have some fairly legitimate constraints on my time, including handwriting (on paper) potential blog entries.  Note the attached example. 

handwritten post

I am not near a computer during the time when I have a moment to think about what to write.  Or near a personal computer.  So pen and paper it is, how I learned to write and turn in papers.  The time impact is a more significant filter of sorts; I've never intended to have a theme blog; writing primarily about working in IT, being a mom, being a former mormon woman, politics, boundaries and mental health issues, relationships, living in the midwest, etc.

So I'm navel-gazing, setting goals and prioritizing.  I appreciate my handful of readers who have stuck with this blog over the years.  Before time became a constraint, I'd always write about what I felt like, without thinking too hard about it.  I refuse to spend too much time analyzing my purpose here.


All this is to say, you'll probably see very similar content from me, only less often.  There is still quite a lot going on in my life, just not so much that I have the time and inclination to discuss here.  I know I'm friends with some of my long term readers on a certain social networking site (despite it's popularity, I refuse to promote it, it can pay for that itself ).   I'm always happy to chat about what's going on, specifics that I'm not comfortable sharing here.  This is an open invite to that social networking site, by the way.  

Here are some posts I thought about writing and haven't had the chance to.  

Zinnia from the garden

*This Zinnia I grew from a seed
*The recipe for a Greek salad that I make
*Going swimming with my kids
*Cleaning my house to the Book of Mormon musical
*Up in the Air, the book vs. the movie (I preferred the book, hands down)
*Still love Sinead O'Connor
*Discussing shaving my head with my kids (they were not amused)

Getting Older

The power went out the other night around one in the morning. 

Back in the day, I would have overslept my alarm, I wouldn't have woken up. 

I know I'm getting older because I woke up (around an hour before my alarm was set) and reset my alarm clock.  I can't remember the last time I overslept an alarm.  I think it is getting older, and getting a good night's sleep on a regular basis (i.e., going to be before 1 a.m. on nights I have to work the next day).

I am still not a morning person, and will probably never be one. It's just a sign of aging (from my understanding) to wake up multiple times during the night and not need as much sleep. 

Holiday shopping

Many years ago, in college, I worked at a toy store for Christmas.  It's amazing how some songs stay with you.  There were lots of memorable things about my experience, but the constant bad holiday music was one of them.  There are Christmas and holiday songs I like - that I can stand.  Then there are songs with the Chipmunks and even the classic  "I want a hippopotomas for Christmas".  

Once or twice, these songs might not be so bad.  But over and over each day - it was too much.  I still cringe (more than ten years later) when I hear the songs during this season.  Not to mention the long lines of people, working ten to twelve hours a day, and the phone ringing off of the hook.

I know everyone has bad jobs, this was one for me.

What was also amazing was when people would accuse us (the toy store employees) of ruining Christmas for their children.  They would say things like "my child won't believe in Santa because of you".  Usually it was because we didn't have the specific toy that their child had requested (and every other child wanted), and we didn't have layaway.  Sometimes, the corporate organization would send out ads in the newspaper, and we would only receive ten or twelve items.  Customers would be (understandably) frustrated.  Even if they were early or in line before the store opened, they might not get that special deal.

One of the most memorable people was a gentleman who started angrily knocking down displays when he found out we didn't have the toy he wanted. 

The holidays can really bring out the ugly in many people.  It's hard to be considerate of employees when one has been in a long line, or when a store has deliberately distorted whether or not they have an item in stock.  I think it's worth remembering that not everyone is as fortunate as we may be - that not everyone has control over where they work or the policies of their job.

Putting Up with Anything

I've talked about a bad work experience I had here.  I started thinking about my crazy boss as I was reading about Stella's work experience on her blog here.

Believe it or not, it can be difficult in a job situation to know what is normal or acceptable.  It's not really something you learn in school - where those boundaries are.  What you will or will not put up with in a work environment. 

Looking back, I was only at that job (with the con artist boss) for a month.  I was a temp.  Why did I stay so long in a crazy environment?  It's what I was thinking of reading Stella's blog.

I'm glad I woke up and left.  (I tried to train my replacement. For  whatever reason, my boss didn't think she would work out - perhaps she was less of a mark than I was?)  But there were some clear signs that things were not normal, and were not where they needed to be.  My boss screaming at people on the phone was probably a good sign.  One or two people, maybe.  But anyone who said no, anyone who said they had to follow procedure, they had to check references.  He would start screaming and ask to speak to their supervisor.

The customer is not always right.

I realized the other day that I've changed.  I used to be proud of the fact I could put up with anything.  It was a badge of honor of sorts. 

I'm not sure when that changed, but it has.  It's not that I couldn't get into that situation again.  I could.  I have an affinity for insane work environments.  But I'm older.  I won't put up with anything anymore.  I don't have to.  There are things I won't put up with-life is too short. 

In or Out

So recently, there has been all sorts of discussions in faithful mormon circles about feminism. 

Which is great.  I am supportive.

Before you read any more of this post, know that I am supportive of people inside the LDS church trying to change the misogynist status quo.  And yes, I did call the status quo misogynist.  And no, I don't think I'm going to back away from that term, which some people will find offensive.  Or possibly angry.  But I look at the definition of misogynist, and I observe what's going on in the LDS church, and I can't help but think they're pretty close to one another.

With that said, I can't help but wonder what's different about today, 2010 - than 1993.  Or 1979.  Time has passed, of course.  But many of the situations that those feminists found themselves in, the power structure, the hierarchy - it's all still there. 

An argument I've heard points out how the Community of Christ (formerly RLDS) gave women the priesthood (there is currently a woman apostle) and lost 25% of their membership.  But honestly, I would suspect that a significant number of LDS have left over this issue or other discrimination issues.  We don't really know how many people have left, of course, but we can guess.  Some of the arguments then say "Well, we didn't want you anyway"...which is quite humorous (to my mind, and reminds me of the violent femmes song). 

Those grapes taste awfully sour.

I get in trouble every so often by applying corporate metaphors to religion.  But some of the best advice I ever received was that if I was miserable at a job for over three months, it was time to start looking.  I've heard all sorts of arguments about whether or not you can change a corporate culture - from within or without.  And I've seen both things happen, internal changes and external changes.

But honestly, if you know you are in a dead end job, and you can't tell if you're doing any good at that job - sometimes it is time to move on.  Or to think about moving on.  When you are spending so much time wondering what you are doing there, wondering where the time went - having panic attacks about your job - it's time. 

Life is too short.

Without question, there is an iron ceiling in mormonism (as opposed to the glass ceiling).

Perhaps that will change.  I would love to be proven wrong.  And I am not advocating that feminists leave the LDS church.  I just cannot see any way to change the culture as it stands today, personally.  The LDS leadership holds all the cards. There is no reason for anyone to change - to change the rhetoric.

Stay at home parenthood hindsight

Some friends/acquaintances of mine may be embarking on stay at home parenthood.  I have some thoughts about this endeavor.  Honestly, I think my thoughts are more about parenthood in general.

Live and learn, right?  These are some things I wish I had known before having kids.  These are some conversations I wish I had had before having one parent (not me) stay home with our kids.  Yet I don't know that anyone could have told me this, experience is really the best education, right?

I appreciate (greatly) the time my husband spent with our kids while I worked outside the home.  I think it was the right decision for our family.   

Many people make different decisions and that's okay. 

I really appreciated this guardian article about working moms - basically showing that factors for success in kids have much more to do with the stability of their parents and financial stability.  Whether or not both parent(s) work is not as high as a factor.

Before the twins were born, I remember my husband and I talked with a friend who said that nothing changed when they had kids, or that they wanted as little to change as possible. 

Ideally, yes, I thought that's what I wanted.  I didn't want to stop going out to eat occasionally, stop hanging out with friends.  And we haven't stopped those things.  

But we have limited how much we eat out, and how late we stay out hanging out with friends.  Both of those things are actually pretty important for kids.  Kids need to have parents who put them (the kids) first. 

Fortunately, both my husband and I are there. I think staying out until 3 in the morning gets old when you reach your 30s, and I think kids sometimes speed that process along. 

So, the first thing I wish I had known was yes, things change when you have kids.  And that's the way it should be. 

It doesn't mean that a person should no longer have a life outside of their kids (at all).  It just needs to be in moderation.

The second thing is, I wish I had done better about dividing responsibilities for child care and for house care with my husband.  I think this line is very difficult to draw for many couples, and many parents. 

Someone always ends up cleaning the toliets, or paying for someone to clean toliets.  That's just life.

My advice?  Parents or a couple need to work constantly on who is responsible for what, and making things equitable or as equitable as possible.  All the housework, maintenance should not fall on one parent or the other.  I know this sounds obvious, but day to day it can be difficult to navigate.

Third - I wish we had talked more about how to handle the situation when one parent is sick. I can't find my post, but it can be really hard to find a babysitter you trust.  It was really hard to find a babysitter - and I'm still not sure we have a person, during the school year who can watch our kids as "drop in".  That service barely exists - if at all. 

It's not right or appropriate that the stay at home parent simply "work through" the illness.  So figuring out a good mix is important.  This is where extended family and grandparents come in - but if a person doesn't have that, it can be difficult.

Fourth - Pre-school was a great option for our kids.  I am so glad we did parents' day out.  I highly recommend it for any parents who stay home. 

Some people feel that kids are pushed to do too much too early; they lament that preschool has become mandatory.  I do not believe pre-school is mandatory, but it is a great resource for kids and families.  For my kids, it has helped make the adjustment to full day day camp and kindergarten almost seamless. 

Finally, I think these need to be constant conversations between a couple.  Re-visiting, re-evaluating factors in stay at home parenthood.  There are costs involved in both parents' working, in one parent working outside the home - including costs to both parents, to the kids, etc. 

Who cleans the toliets?  Who changes diapers?  Who puts the kids to bed each night?  All of these things can be re-visited and should be re-visited if either parent wants to re-evaluate. 

I've heard feedback from other parents that one parent felt really strongly about the stay at home parent issue.  And that's great.  It still needs to be a mutual decision that can be re-evaluated by the couple.

No pitch-in this year

Remember when I was complaining about the office pitch-in some years ago?

Thankfully this year it's already December 8th, and no mention. It would be well under way by this point. I'm not saying anything.

I don't want to seem like a scrooge - but I'm happy that we're not going through with it this year. I wish I could say everyone was donating to a food pantry or something - but no.

Simply no holiday cookies or special cheese dip.

I have to admit, there's a part of me that misses the tradition - but part of me is happy to let it go - this year.

Lists of Five Things

I am not a fan of November weekday mornings.  I am not a fan of waking up in darkness.  The time recently changed, giving me an extra hour of sleep - and yet, I'm still not a fan.

Someone mentioned recently that each day, they make three lists of five things. 

I loved the idea, so I'm sharing it here.

They start with five things they are grateful for.  (btw -my kids and my health are two things right up at the top of the list, every day.)  I am also grateful for my job. 

I don't have to say what I'm grateful to - as far as I'm concerned, it can be the universe.  It's just the process of recognizing I have quite a bit to be thankful for.

Then, they list five things they are proud of themselves for.  Basically giving yourself props for something difficult.  Again, getting up and getting to work - something I am proud of myself for doing.

Finally, a list of five things to work on or process.

Strangely enough, getting up on time for work is not on this list for me.  :) Things like being open about my feelings and setting boundaries (and not feeling guilty for setting boundaries) are on there.

False Intimacy

I just stumbled upon foxy's blog (hi!). This is a quote from her post:

"She and I were talking about blogging and the false intimacy it can sometimes foster with people. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to meet people who know many of your darker secrets.."

I think this is a really interesting point (that, of course, I have additional thoughts about). It leads me to think all sorts of things about privacy, intimacy and friendship.

Having met (face to face) people I only knew from online was a very odd experience. I met up with some people from a former mormon listserve I was on (long time ago).

And figuring out how many people know about say, your blog, is always interesting. Or how many people that you've told about your blog that are actually reading it.

I was struck (at least then) by how much you can know about a person through what they write - but how much writing leaves out. There is much more to a person than their blog (or what they write on a message board). And this is seven years ago.

On the other hand, it (my online presence) is not terribly dissimilar to other social arenas in my life. Various people know various things about me. Most everyone I work with currently remembers when I was pregnant (wasn't too long ago) and asks after my kids. My kids' photos are on my desk, along with a wedding photo. (As an aside, it's still funny to me how most people still think my siblings are my college friends...they find it hard to believe I have so many siblings).

I am not trying to blog about my work here. I'm just saying, some people know things about me because we work together. And that might also create a sense of false intimacy. I am also friends with people I work with, and friends with people I worked with in the past. It is also interesting what questions co-workers will feel comfortable asking.

It can be odd to have those conversations with friends to say - did you mean to say this? Is that what you meant? Or to have someone ask me if I meant what I said. And for the record, I really appreciate it when people do this - ask me for clarification. Because I have been known to stick my foot in my mouth - and I may make an off the cuff remark that is not what I meant to say. Or gives the wrong impression about my beliefs or ideas (or my respect for various people in my life).

This is a good reminder, because I read quite a few blogs. There is certainly no promise of anonymity here (or anywhere). There is also no promise of intimacy. It is good to remember that there are lots of people out there reading, who may have a host of different reactions. And that self-disclosure is not the entire picture. I am much more than what I choose to share here, and so many more people are as well.

People *can* change

Or, at least, our perspective can change.

I've written about this before, at least about changing opinions due to new information.

But I've found it works the other way as well.

A few years ago, a woman I work with really upset me. She chewed me out - at least she spoke harshly to me. I admit, I had partially screwed up. But her rebuke still got under my skin. I felt a mixture of embarrassment and righteous indignation. I didn't feel I needed to confront her about it (since I had sort of screwed up after all), and I just figured maybe she had a bad day or something.

When I found out her office was going to be moved closer to mine, I was wary. But I kept an open mind. And so far, she and I have gotten along just fine. I have a deeper appreciation for her. She doesn't read this blog, as far as I know. We're not best friends (and we don't need to be), but we respect one another.

People make mistakes, or at least they have rough edges. And I believe, contrary to popular belief, some people can change. We can't necessarily expect them to change, sometimes we have to confront them or request things, but it's not true that your first impression of someone or a situation is always the right/true one.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day. Her wise observation was that just because someone holds a distasteful (to me) belief, doesn't mean they always will, or that they can't change that belief.




I'm certainly not saying that all people can change, as some things don't change.

Some aspects of a personality may never change, and it may not be fair to ask a person to change a core part of themselves. Or to assume that they are capable of changing. Asking someone to not be depressed, for example, or to not read (if they are a voracious reader) is probably not helpful. But just because I drink coffee each morning today, doesn't mean I will for the rest of my life. Or if I find out information that coffee is incredibly unhealthy for me, I might choose to stop drinking it.

It's finding that balance, of what you can put up with in another person/relationship, and what you can't abide that's the trick. To figure out what you can accept and letting the rest go.

I've found peace in personally accepting that people and relationships are a work in progress. To believe otherwise is to miss out on quite a lot.

writing on hands

I have a well-known poor memory for some things - particularly conversations and interactions. Also for people's names. I remember faces pretty well, but the names are sometimes lost. I come by it honestly.

(As an aside, I think genetics or something must play into this - some people seem to be better at different types of recollection. I don't often get lost, and I *do* typically remember birthdays; I did before social networking reminders. I have friends who are easily lost, but who remember conversations from years ago almost word for word).

Throughout high school and college, I would write things on my hand to remember them. Perhaps it wasn't the best way to remind myself, but it usually worked. And it was fairly common for teenagers who were my age - I was certainly not the only person who did that.

I wrote on my hand despite infrequent warnings from well-meaning teachers or other adults that I/we could get ink poisoning (is that even possible??).

I stopped writing on my hand at my first "real" job, where I felt I had to look more professional. And I've survived since that time. I wonder if teenagers still write on their hands? Everyone has blackberries now, text and e-mail alerts. So my guess is that they do not.

It's not terribly attractive or effective (if you wash your hands multiple times during the day, you have to re-write whatever phrase it was you needed to remember). And one would think something like "homework" would be a standing order.

Needless to say, there is a food pantry drive at work. I am 100% supportive of the food pantry. Due to the economy, a lot of people and families are hurting. I don't think charity should happen only at the holidays. I will observe, the reminders, e-mails and signs peppered throughout the building are a bit much. Adults are going to give, or they won't give.

Yet despite the multiple e-mail reminders, I kept forgetting to bring in my food donation. I had it planned out. I knew what we would donate. But somehow between getting ready for work in the morning and getting my coffee - it would slip my mind.

Friends, I seriously considered writing "food" on my hand to remember. Perhaps my forgetting was my sub-conscious reaction to any pressure to donate to a charity (I am not someone who responds well to pressure tactics - I'll respond the opposite way, most of the time).

The point is now moot, since I remembered to bring in the food donation this morning.

I was simply remembering when I used to write on my hand to remind myself of things. And grateful that I didn't have to stoop to that level this time.

Geese and Ducks

I hit some sort of goose or duck the other morning driving to work. I didn't mean to - all of a sudden, it had flown out in front of my car. I could see parts of the brown wing and then it was gone.

Today, I saw a family of ducks at lunch. No little ones, yet. Just two ducks trying to build a nest in my company's parking lot.

So many ducks and geese seem to be nesting currently. Some (of the drakes? - the fathers) get rather possessive and violent when humans encroach on their nests.

But without natural predators (except humans), some of these species just continue to grow. And some become a nuisance.

I don't have anything particularly profound to observe about this. Simply that, I don't look at these types of animals in the same way anymore.

I wish them full lives - and I wonder if there really are enough resources for all of them. Some (I believe) were introduced into our area (they are not originally from here). We can't divorce ourselves from the ecosystem, but it doesn't seem like we can deny our impact on such species either.