People *can* change

Or, at least, our perspective can change.

I've written about this before, at least about changing opinions due to new information.

But I've found it works the other way as well.

A few years ago, a woman I work with really upset me. She chewed me out - at least she spoke harshly to me. I admit, I had partially screwed up. But her rebuke still got under my skin. I felt a mixture of embarrassment and righteous indignation. I didn't feel I needed to confront her about it (since I had sort of screwed up after all), and I just figured maybe she had a bad day or something.

When I found out her office was going to be moved closer to mine, I was wary. But I kept an open mind. And so far, she and I have gotten along just fine. I have a deeper appreciation for her. She doesn't read this blog, as far as I know. We're not best friends (and we don't need to be), but we respect one another.

People make mistakes, or at least they have rough edges. And I believe, contrary to popular belief, some people can change. We can't necessarily expect them to change, sometimes we have to confront them or request things, but it's not true that your first impression of someone or a situation is always the right/true one.

I was discussing this with a good friend of mine the other day. Her wise observation was that just because someone holds a distasteful (to me) belief, doesn't mean they always will, or that they can't change that belief.




I'm certainly not saying that all people can change, as some things don't change.

Some aspects of a personality may never change, and it may not be fair to ask a person to change a core part of themselves. Or to assume that they are capable of changing. Asking someone to not be depressed, for example, or to not read (if they are a voracious reader) is probably not helpful. But just because I drink coffee each morning today, doesn't mean I will for the rest of my life. Or if I find out information that coffee is incredibly unhealthy for me, I might choose to stop drinking it.

It's finding that balance, of what you can put up with in another person/relationship, and what you can't abide that's the trick. To figure out what you can accept and letting the rest go.

I've found peace in personally accepting that people and relationships are a work in progress. To believe otherwise is to miss out on quite a lot.

Do Nothing

I'm not sure where I read this recently, but it resonated with me. Someone said "If you're not sure what to do, do nothing". I think it's a Buddhist teaching.

This wisdom is particularly apt for me; someone who likes to plan and has been known to be over-committed. I do still believe inaction is an action, but taking a step back from whatever it is helps. With time, the forest becomes clearer through the trees.

I think I always felt I had to have the last word, the upper hand, to not leave people with the wrong impression.

It may have to do with the way I was raised (see a typical mormon hymn here).

It's nice to think that I can sit back and think about what I'm doing and what my motives are. And I don't have to respond.

To each their own

Photo copied fromlds.org

I've really sort of skirted around my own attitude towards mormonism in this blog. Many of you know (as I mention in my description or IRL) that I was raised mormon. My parents remain active mormons. My extended family (grandparents) also remain mormon. The rest of my cousins remain mixed, some active, some no longer mormon. Some it's difficult to tell if they're mormon or not, and in the end, I find I don't care and don't feel like pressuring anyone to find out for sure.

I tend to agree with chanson's stance on mormonism "standing up for your former beliefs", for the most part I feel culturally mormon and I remain fascinated with mormon history and cover up. I suspect it's a little like people raised catholic or another faith who no longer practice the faith they were raised in.

It might sound like I'm being overly positive about the LDS religion and its adherents. I think there are many issues with ra_cism, se_xism, strict gender roles, discrimination and ho_mophobia. I won't get into any of my claims with these, I may write at some other point about some of these issues. I will just note that many other current religious and other organizations have a past which they are not proud of. The difference between the Utah LDS mormonism and these organizations is that many of these organizations admit to this discrimination, apologize for past wrongs and work towards change.

So, with that said, I have a laissez-faire approach to mormonism.

Obviously, I disagree with many tenets of mormonism. I do not feel that the LDS church is everything it claims to be (for example, family first). But I disagree with many of the tenets of other faiths and belief systems. I believe mormonism (and some other belief systems) can be incredibly harmful. But just because we disagree, doesn't mean we can't have a relationship or conversation. And how can anyone ever grow if we refuse to air our differences - to attempt to understand things from someone else's point of view?

I am not an evangelical exmormon. I know people who are evangelical (i.e., actively trying to convert people away from mormonism). And that is their choice. I am not personally one of them. While I might confront LDS missionaries who knock on my door (they are bothering me, after all), I see no reason to tell someone they can't believe something.

I know there are many people who leave mormonism and who are very angry. For the most part, I think their anger is justified. Specifically people who were in abusive relationships and
counseled to stay in them, people who struggled with mental illness and were encouraged not to seek help, people whose families basically disowned them for leavingmormonism. There are many other reasons for anger that I won't go into at the moment.

And that's what bothers me about mormonism and some belief systems in general. That there is a corner on truth. It seems to me that truth is in the eye of the beholder - that what might
be true or right for one person is not necessarily true or right for someone else. And the whole nature of right vs. wrong is difficult to define either - entirephilosophical textbooks and essays are devoted to the subject. And even for me, I don't feel comfortable saying that my way (without mormonism) is the right way for everyone.

My former seminary teacher (who I believe is still an active NOM, a.k.a. a new order mormon) joked that a new angel was walking through heaven with another angel (possibly st. Peter, I don't remember the exact nature of the joke) and noting everyone there. The presbyterians, methodists, baptists, jews (I don't think the atheists were there, but we'll add them for flavor). When they walked past a group the mormons, the angel turns and says "Shh! They think they're the only ones here".

I don't believe in complete utilitarianism either. There are some parts of mormonism that I think are harmful in a free society and I will continue to speak up about them (not researching anything for oneself, not questioning, not disobeying leadership/men, etc.) I will continue to note my disagreements aboutLDS Inc., here and elsewhere.

My dad seems to think that I should have remained mormon to work from within for change. I look at it as only having a certain amount of energy. I know for a fact I do not have the energy to spend even three hours a week inmormon services - as a woman, there is little to nothing I could change anyway. Obviously there are women who could stay and make changes (Think Margaret
MerrillToscano).

I guess what I'm saying is, I know/knew a lot of really good people who happen(ed) to be mormon. I used to be mormon myself. I am related to lots of them. We disagree on many subjects, and in some cases, the nature of reality. But it seems to me that we are all on a different path - trying to make sense of life, and for the most part, trying to be good people.

It does bother me that mormonism is such an authoritarian religion. I am familiar with the definitions of a cult, and it's true that the Utah LDS variety meets many of them. And yes, there are many people who I personally feel would be happier if they were not active mormon.

But who am I to judge what would make one person happy or unhappy? I say, to each their own. Putting information or opinion out there is great, but it's up to the person themselves to choose what they want to believe.