Free range parenting fail?

The best part of childhood is exploring, getting dirty - experiencing the outdoors in all its splendor.  Not everyone agrees with me.

I live on a small lake.  I love going down to the water with my kids.  We skip stones.  We throw rocks in the water.  It's part of the reason I chose to live here.

There is a dead tree that fell into the lake. My two have been systematically taking it apart.  Tearing off the bark, breaking off the branches.

dead tree 2015

I would have done the same thing when I was ten.  And while growing up in my family was not always easy, my best memories are of exploring the outdoors.  Creating potions with leaves.  Building clubhouses underneath bushes.

Last Tuesday after dinner, we were out breaking branches.  All of a sudden, I hear "Are you going to clean that up?"  I didn't know where the voice was shouting from.  A neighbor was standing on his second floor porch and proceeded to curse us out (literally).  I started gathering the wood chips together.

He shouted things like "we all have to live here.  Now that tree looks like sh*t without its branches." "I've seen you here with your kids.  How can you let your kids do this? You're a (insert expletive here) mother".

We went inside.  I was shaken and upset.  My kids were shaken and upset.

I checked with the leasing office to find out the rules and to report this guy.  Sometimes people are jerks, which is what I told my kids.  If he has an issue with me, then he could have come down to the lake and discussed it with me as an adult.

Part of the injustice of it is that I know I'm a good mom.  Allowing my kids to explore the outdoors (while I'm right there) is part of what makes me a good parent.  Some jerk saying that I'm not a good mom, because he doesn't like what I'm doing is just his opinion, and doesn't make it true.

But part of the reason it upset me is that I work really, really hard to be the best mom, the best person I can be.  One guy's opinion doesn't change that.  And isn't it odd that we can hear twenty positive opinions but the negative one is the one we remember?

What kind of world will we live in when kids are indoors all the time in front of screens?  We already spend too much time in front of screens, consuming.  I haven't read the Nurtureshock or free range parenting books, but I'm familiar with the concept.  We spend so much time protecting our kids, so much time in sanitized situations, children are unprepared to deal with the world as adults.

I will continue to go down to the lake with my kids. We will continue to explore the outdoors.  Maybe we won't take apart the dead tree, but I'm not changing the way that I parent.

Eleven Years in the Same Location

It was incredibly surreal for me when I realized that I had lived in this house eleven years, longer than any other home growing up.  We moved around a lot - back to Utah for my Dad to go to grad school - to various jobs.  My parents have lived in their current home for longer, but I haven't lived with them.

My Mom would call it the family wanderlust - every two or three years men in my Dad's family would have the urge to move.  It's hard to say what really was going on there. Job loss, better opportunities - in my experience, I think mormon families do tend to move around a great deal.  There is a built in social safety net of sorts, so a person doesn't have to worry about trying to find the best doctor or babysitter after moving (ward members will probably know).  Whenever my siblings were born, it was a fellow ward member who would come over to our house so my Dad could be at the hospital.  We didn't need to live in the same town as grandparents or extended family.

I've almost lived in this current city more than where I grew up - which is also odd.  I have no intention of changing cities anytime soon - I like my job and my kids are in relatively good schools.  I feel a strong sense of community here.

I must have some of the wanderlust my Mom spoke of, however, because I am still interested in moving (at some point) to a smaller location.  That's not the way it's supposed to work.  You're supposed to buy a house before having kids, and stay in a house and maintain it (including the lawn).  It's part of the American dream.  It's the investment you're support to grow old on.  It's like going to certain vacation destinations with your kids.  It's tradition.

But I don't want to spend all my time maintaining a home.  I don't mind gardening.  There are many "volunteer" flowers that come up every year.

But with the house (and yard) - I feel like I'm always behind the eight ball.  There is always a mountain of things to do, clean, sort, weed.  My sister said I should consider paying someone to do some of that for me, and she has a point.  But I don't want to pay someone to do those things for me, I want a smaller space so I can do it myself.  Much like this post - it's discovering that what everyone else wants for me or thinks I should want, I don't necessarily want for myself.

In which I put my foot in my mouth (pt. 2)

I attended the funeral of a friend's mother recently.  At the funeral, there was a blonde woman who looked incredibly familiar to me.  After we were introduced, I realized that we had gone to middle and high school together.  It is a small world (particularly in the suburbs).  She was my friend's cousin - the familial relationship which I had never realized.

We talked about our current lives (as one does).  For the record, in school, we hung out with completely different groups of people.  During the conversation I found out she has three children, and she works at home with them full time.

Perhaps it was because it was her aunt's funeral, perhaps it was just that she and I have always been completely different people with different values.  Most likely, it's that I often put my foot in my mouth.

I asked her what she did to keep busy.  She seemed taken aback and offended.  My husband jumped in (remember, he was a stay at home dad) and said - chasing after kids is enough!

What I meant to say was - what do you do for you?  What do you do outside of being someone's wife and mother?  What makes you fulfilled?

I suppose that this was a political question, even though I didn't mean for it to be.  And I wasn't trying to offend her.  What I was trying to acknowledge was that while being a stay at home mom is a full time job - each person should have their own interests.  Kids grow up.  And being able to be a full time mom is a privilege.

But it's not my place to tell someone else their choices are invalid, or to play the Cassandra.  Just because I would want to have outside interests, doesn't mean everyone has the same needs.  Later, I found out that she had loaned her car last week to my friend to help make arrangements.

And I couldn't help but think - when people work at home full time - this is how they're able to support their friends and family.  They have the resources to run the PTA, to take their kids to hockey practice and ballet - to pick them up from school.  To step up to the plate when others need help.

So perhaps it's political of me as well to acknowledge that these services aren't valued by our society (monetarily).  How many Moms do I know without adequate social security (because they were out of the workforce for years)? How many rejoin the workforce and make drastically less than their peers (working at jobs far below their education)?  These issues are very complicated, and it's not for me to approve or disapprove of another person's choices.

I was just struck about how off base my assumptions were, and that my question (which was meant to be supportive) turned out so poorly.

Cleaning out the closets

I have a few days between jobs, and I am cleaning.  Generally I dislike cleaning.  Organization does not come naturally. 

One of my sisters moved recently, and I thought about how difficult it would be for my family to move at the moment.  We have a lot of stuff that keeps accumulating.  And on top of that, I have a general reluctance to throwing anything away. 

So in this closet cleaning process, I have piles for donation, for resale, for recycling.  But some things I will need to simply throw away. 

Here are some of the things I've gone through already:
-a vase that was a wedding gift (never taken out of the box)
-a clock we got from the wedding that hasn't worked for over ten years
-coats I never wore
-a cheese plate that I never unpacked
-old medications and beauty products (lotions from ten years ago, etc.)
-old VHS tapes
-old VHS tapes that people gave us as gifts that were never watched or opened

And the list goes on.  Sometimes I give things away, and then regret that choice.  I worry - in downsizing - that I will give something away that I really want or need. 

Without organization, however, I can't even find the things I know I already have.  Anti-itch lotion is a perfect example - I had three unopened tubes in various places. 

And the chances of me using that vase are unlikely - I thought it was ugly when I got it.  I could have re-gifted - but it was too ugly to give to anyone I cared about. 

My mantra has been that someone else can use it (this is true).  That things can't replace memories.  That if I haven't used it in the past year, it's on the list.  If it doesn't fit or is broken, it's time to go. 

I could so easily end up like relatives who had phone books from the 1980s (true story) next to extra cans of varnish. And drawers full of keys.  I don't want to be that way.  I don't want to put my friends and family through that.

It's a metaphor for life (of sorts).  Periodically, it's important to re-assess and re-organize.  To concentrate on what's important, and let the other stuff go.

Gardener

This is not a label I would have given myself.

I do a surprising amount of homemaker things, despite not being a full-time homemaker.  I bake, knit, cook and garden.  Yet I refuse to can (or raise chickens).

My parents observed this about me on a recent visit. They said I was their "gardener" daughter.  I was a bit taken aback. There are other differences between me and my siblings.  Fortunately, gardener is a positive label, and not related to the fact that I'm their only child with offspring.

Tomato plants in the front yard of my old house

In comparison with my apartment dwelling siblings, I suppose I am a gardener.  I've had tomato plants most years.  Tomato plants are notoriously easy.  When we purchased our current home, it was winter and I didn't realize what I was getting into in terms of yard work.  The previous owner obviously loved gardening.  I've posted photos of the lillies, magnolia tree, persimmon tree, cherry tree.  She also planted raspberry bushes.

For some things (like the raspberry bushes), it's just a matter of weeding.  Our back yard is a step away from returning to midwestern forests. 

I took the observation from my parents as a compliment.  I don't know that it's something I'll do for the rest of my life, but for now, it fits.

Housecleaning and Guilt

I found myself agreeing with this fmh (and NY Times article) about moms, cleaning and guilt.  In case you're not up for clicking on the links, a majority of moms (both those who work outside and those who work full time in the home) feel guilt about how clean their homes are. 

It's a little shocking to me, considering the century.  Didn't we fight a feminist revolution to free women from the chains of the vacuum cleaner?

I was trying to understand the statistics.  I've mentioned it before, but cleaning is a source of stress for me.  I'm simply not talented in organizing, sorting and cleaning.  Some people are (they must be) - something must explain the 45% of moms who don't feel guilty about the state of their homes. Either they refuse to feel guilty (possible) or they're great at cleaning and multi-tasking.  It makes sense - everyone has different abilities.

With that said, the standard of cleanliness  is very different depending on the person.  What one person considers passable, neat and tidy - another considers cluttered.  In the comments to the feminist mormon housewives thread, someone mentioned underwear in the front room as a standard for cleanliness.  I would assume it would come as no surprise to anyone who knows my family that sometimes we have underwear in the front room.  I can explain the reasons why (which involve people cooperating in getting dressed in the morning watching television).  But it's what works for us.

For the record, this is a good time to mention - please do not drop by my home without calling or texting first.  This is pretty much the reason (among others).  It makes me uncomfortable depending on the state of the home (and whether or not there are clothes in the front room).  So please, call first.

There is still a lot of judgment from women, men, older generations about standards of cleanliness.  If you lift the stove cover, is it clean?  (hint, not in my house at the moment).  Now, I support bug free and food decay free.  But others believe in clean walls, dusted bookshelves, organized piles of books (ha!), floors one can eat off of - that's just not my home.

So I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in this source of stress.  I suspect parents and couples often disagree about how clean is clean, how to clean and the most stress - who is responsible for what. 

Here are my theories why:
1- Time - for me, time is the biggest factor.  Cleaning and sorting takes time.  Time that I do not have.  It's true - I have but other things as a higher priority.  Working out, hiking with my kids, visiting friends, volunteering.  I refuse to spend ALL my free time cleaning. 


2 - Money - So I could pay someone to clean my house, but that doesn't seem completely right either.  Eventually we will probably pay someone to clean - but for the moment, funding is an issue. And the idea of a group of people who clean as a career...it's problematic unless they are given fair wages (what would those be anyway)??

Another money consideration is organizational help (baskets, shelves, buckets, etc.)  There are many options out there - they just cost money.


3 - Environmental considerations - I could rent a dumpster and simply start throwing things into it.  The truth is, a family of four accumulates a lot.  So we struggle with sorting and disposing of - there's always a "will I use this in the next year?"  And then, it never fails that after something is recycled or sold - I need it and need to buy new (or used). 

And there are things (like batteries) that shouldn't be thrown away but recycled.  Not to mention the pc in the basement that needs to be wiped clear of data.


4 - Strategy - I need to determine what I want to save.  From this post, it's something I realized I can actually do in the near future.  I have history notes from college - a ton of cassette tapes...do I need to save those? Am I saving my history notes because my sixth grade history teacher said he used his notes for his lesson plans (hint- the answer is yes)...

Do I need to save those? Can I let them go? What do I want to remember, and what others to remember about me?

I don't mean to complain about cleaning - it's fortunate we have so much stuff to organize.  It's simply a constant battle - and one I'd rather shove under the rug than address on any given day.  I do find it reassuring that I'm not the only one who struggles with it.

The cost of ambiance

Around seven years ago, I felt like it was time to enter the home ownership market.  Well meaning friends had convinced me that renting was not building equity, and the equivalent of "pouring money down the drain".  I was frustrated with the landlord - we had lost boxes of books in basement flooding. 

The home my husband and I chose is over sixty years old.  But it was fifty years younger than many of the homes from the suburb I grew up in, so I thought we would be spared the drama of an older home. Ha!

Much to my grandfather's disappointment, I inherited very little ability in fixing appliances, plumbing, electrical work, etc.  My paternal grandfather could fix just about anything, and built homes around the same age as ours.

I thought that too would save us.  My distorted thinking was, I didn't want a recent, modern, cookie cutter home, since those usually have shoddy construction.  I wanted something from an era where people took pride in their work.

So the house has character.  But, it's also expensive to maintain.

Each year something (or multiple things) need to be updated or replaced.  It feels overwhelming at times.  I also have this tendency to think that the people who work on the home are screwing us over, which doesn't help.  Sometimes they will notice someone else's work and criticize how "the other guy did it".  I need to see this as a sales tactic, but some days it's difficult.


I keep wanting to blame people like the home inspector (number one on my list).  In the end, however, I went into this endeavor, despite my eyes being closed.  *I* chose a home of this age, it had the right location. I liked its character.  Much like my college choice, it has been an expensive proposition.  I don't know if I would choose it again.

Magnolia 2011

There are things I love about this home.  I love the windowsills. I love the magnolia tree.  I love that my kids are going to grow up here, this is the only house they've known.  I love having a big enough dining room that we can invite friends over for dinner.

There are simply days or weeks when I wish I had made a different choice, understanding the repairs and costs involved in maintaining where we are.

Spring cleaning

Spring is over a month away.  But I have already started the process of slowly cleaning and organizing.

It's not one of my strong suits, and some days I am more at peace with that than others. 

I understand that spring cleaning traditionally meant taking your rugs and blankets outside to have the dust beat out of them.  This is a photo of a carpet beater from wikipedia.

For me, I find sitting inside the house, not doing much to be the perfect time to re-arrange a closet.  I guess the bug has bitten me this year.  Trying to let go of old clothes,  old tapes - lots of trips to donation centers and recycling areas.  Also, thoughts about additional organizing buckets and accessories. 

I realize it's a process - that may never be complete.  If anyone has any ideas about how to encourage children to part with toys that they never play with any longer, I'm all ears.  So far, the only thing that has been remotely successful is trying to sell said toys, and giving them the money.

Early Spring

Narcissus

I picked up a forcing bulb kit over the holiday season.

The flowers are a delight - especially considering the snow and ice outside. This is a photo of them in the windowsill.  The process was very easy - so easy I might try it again next year.

Winter Visitors

A lot has been going on, but I wanted to post this photo that I snapped the other day. 

Turns out we've had some winter visitors around our home this year.  I'm pretty sure these are raccoon tracks.  I saw a raccoon crawl in to the sewer opening one night some months ago.  The raccoons in our city remain well fed, even in December. 

I am surprised that I actually can identify the tracks as raccoon tracks, as I was reminded (again) this past weekend that I am undoubtedly a city person, through and through.

Life is Pretty Good

I talk a lot (here) about relationships, mental health and boundaries - because I think a lot about those things.  I don't feel a need to put on a false front here; to pretend that life is more rosy than it is.  Life has not always been easy for me or for those I love.  I don't have to impress anyone, or I don't mean to impress anyone with what I write here.

I don't really talk a lot about how good life is at the moment.  And even at the lowest points over the past few years, there are/have been parts of life that are very, very sweet. 

But life at the moment is pretty good.  I feel better and more grounded that I have in a long time.  It's not that I don't have challenges, I do.  But the more I figure out what I can control, and what I can't, the better off I have been.  And I've been more independent than I have been in a long time as well.  Being more independent was a goal of mine, so I have been setting (and meeting) my goals.

I'll give an example.  One of the drains in our basement was backed up, again.   So we called the plumber to clear it out.  Our home is around 60 years old, so this is par for the course.  I realized that I hate paying repair people and plumbers in particular. 

I've joked for a long time that I'm in the wrong career, that I should have gone into plumbing (it would be more lucrative).

And I realized this morning, as I was paying for the plumber to come out for the second time in three months,  I could take a home plumbing repair course.  I'm sure they're out there. 

I don't have to get upset or caught up in how much I'm paying for other people to repair my house.  I can work to learn how to do it myself. 

There are things I need to put up with, to accept - and there are things I can change. 

The notion is quite freeing. 

Sowing one's wild oats

***gross out warning for people who are easily grossed out***

This morning as I walked into the kitchen, I noticed it was a bit breezy.  Due to the time change, I was feeling even less "with it" than usual - so it didn't completely register.  Later, I noticed that at least one of the cats had thrown up, and thrown up grass. 

Our cats became indoor cats when we moved to the house we live in now. Our street is just a bit busier; and cats are supposed to live longer when they are indoors all the time.  Our cats do not agree with this arrangement. 

In the summer months, one of our cats will stand up with both paws on the screen door and whine.  Some days I think he really thinks he's a dog, or at least, not a cat.

So as soon as I saw the grass this morning, I knew what had happened.  Because it's what inevitably happens when the cats go outside.  They sneak out, and they eat some of the plants from our yard.  Then, the plants don't sit well with them and they get sick. 

It's a pretty consistent cycle.

I wish that they were more in tune with their needs and consequences of their actions.  They *are* cats, however, so my expectations might be too high.

The only vague moral to this post is just that sometimes we think we really want something, but no matter how much we want it, the truth is- it may still make us sick.  The wanting doesn't make it easier to digest in the end. 

Random flowers

I'm still taking photos of random flowers. It's the beauty (or curse, depending on who you talk to) of digital cameras.

First up we have these blue flowers:




Ever wonder about those combination wildflower seed packets? These are what grew from one of such packets in our yard.

Next up we have these pink flowers:

The great story about these is that they were a gift to my mother in law for mother's day from my father in law's church. She knew my daughter would prefer them and that they might survive in our garden. She was right (surprisingly) - it's now September and they are still going strong.

For the record, I heard about a church that started donating all the money for mother's day that they would have spent on flowers to a women's shelter. I think it was a wonderful idea. Tradition and ceremony have their place. But there are also quite a few people who could be helped on a holiday like mother's day.

Then a rose from one day we went to the zoo:


Finally, a zinnia from a botanical garden:

Milk

I woke up this morning to the power flickering on and off. Funny how you forget to appreciate the small things until they're no longer there.

Fortunately, we (somehow) have an electrician on call, and the power company reconnected our power lines. Which is how I can sit here blogging at the moment.

I just watched the film "Milk", which won numerous academy awards last year. Almost all of my readers have probably already seen this film, but my movie-going free time has been greatly reduced since having children. It's not that I never have time to see movies, but often I see them six months or a year after they are released. It's just the way it is right now.

So much that I agree with has already been said in various places on the interwebs.

I just find the struggle for respect and human rights inspiring. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, to speak your truth. It takes courage to be yourself. It was an inspiring film, one that I won't soon forget.

lillies

These are in our backyard:

Dust

To get an idea of the day/week I've been having, please see exhibit A.

Our home was built in the mid-40s, and the drain tiles around the house stopped working. In other words, we've had a small trickle of water through the basement (with some notable flooding when the sump pump went out. Yeah - just because people SAY that they don't think the sump pump actually pumps anything, do NOT believe them. Oh, and in my next life, I'm going to be a plumber).

Exhibit A



Yes, those are jackhammers. Drilling in our concrete foundation. They drilled approx. three or four inches around the perimeter of our house.

Just as a tip, if you should ever need to replace the clay tiles around your home, it is very dusty. You may think that you will be okay, but please take this as your warning.

Logically, I knew that if they were drilling (with jackhammers) around the foundation of my home, it might create a lot of dust. But I didn't realize that's what would happen until I walked downstairs last night and saw the fine layer of dust covering everything. (Did I mention that everyone in my family suffers from allergies??)

Exhibit B


This is my washing machine. I'm not someone who effuses wildly over my washing machine, but it's true that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. There is nothing like being able to put clothes that need to be washed into the washing machine - not having to go to a laundry mat.

Thankfully, the washing machine is back in business, and if any of my family members walk to the washing machine and back - we no longer track dust throughout my house. And that's all I can ask - for now.

Oh, and hopefully we will no longer have a trickle of water through our basement when it rains.

Tulips

The tulips have bloomed in our front yard.



I love that every year they come back without prodding. This is my kind of gardening!

Technology

We had another successful pitch in last night, complete with a fire in our backyard. I'm fairly certain that fires are illegal within the city limits. But our neighbors have been forgiving so far.

I've loved tending and watching fires for many years. I'm not sure what it is, the process itself is relaxing for me.

I began studying Greek mythology with this book, which my fifth grade teacher had in her classroom.

What can I say, the notions of a strange belief system with gods and goddesses appealed to me. I liked the notion of a goddess who tended fire
see wikipedia entry on Hestia. I loved the idea of a ritual fire. Sadly, she didn't have many adventures or tales passed down about her exploits (unlike Ares or Athena).

I was simply musing the other day about how technology and fashion make entire trades and crafts obsolete. Keeping and tending fire is no longer necessary for survival. We have central heating and electric stoves for cooking. If we need to start a fire for pleasure, we have matches.

It's the same with glove makers. At one point, a woman wore gloves to everything. Countless novels from the nineteenth century have plots based on whether or not a character's gloves were in good shape or being worn. In The Awakening by Kate Chopin, I heard that holding hands without gloves was a euphemism for sex. Strange how at this point, society has few misgivings about two people holding hands.


Locally, I saw that another dry cleaning business went out of business the other day. With fewer businesses requiring formal suits, dry cleaning is not as necessary for a family or community. Fashion is changing. Anyone can now launder their own khakis and collared shirt. Irons and Ironing boards are no longer the tools of the mystics.

As an amateur cultural observer, it's interesting to sit back and watch these trends. How we lived then, how we live now.

Yard work

I swear I did not have children so they could help me out with yard work.

But it is a nice bonus!

I was outside raking leaves in our back yard the other evening. We had raked in the front yard last fall. For whatever reason (no doubt illness, time and energy) we ignored the back yard. So, some leaves are still there and can be raked.

My kids had a great time raking and jumping in the leaves. They also helped with the bagging (which can be the worst part). At one point, my daughter had her ballerina doll lifting up handfuls of leaves. Not the most efficient way - but I wasn't arguing!

It's a win for the entire family.

Somehow I get the feeling this will not be so easy ten years from now. I will enjoy it while it lasts.

Unknown vine

The woman who owned this house before us was an obvious gardener. There are many varieties of lillies and other surprises throughout the backyard. Just recently, we discovered raspberries on one side of the house.

I have researched it - this vine is NOT kudzu. Thank goodness.




This one is a little blurry - I'm still working on the flower photography!


It is pretty and smells wonderful. It has taken over the fence on two sides of our yard. It is dormant throughout the winter, but turns green in springtime. It flowers in August.

I looked at clematis and jasmine. I don't think it fits either of those species. For the time being, I'll just appreciate its maintenance free beauty.