Tank Park Salute

I wrote this some months ago.

In the week since my former father in law passed away, I have found myself overwhelmed with sadness and grief.  I see older men with their wives, limping slightly and I have a flash of anger.  Anger that they are here and he is gone.

I'm amazed by my brain.  How could I think such a thing? 

So anathema to who he was, each day of his life. 

I looked to him to see how to respond to something like this.

This is the man who helped paint my children's room before they were born.  He helped me buy three of my past four cars.  He bought the ipod for me so I was able to start listening to podcasts.  I am still in shock - I'm not sure that I can even comprehend what this loss means for me and my children.

I take comfort in knowing that he loved me and was proud of me.  Despite divorcing his son.

When I moved out, the movers didn't show up.  He (and my ex) were there with friends.  He helped me move into my new place. He said to let him know if I needed anything, and he meant it.

One of the last times I saw him, I mentioned to him that I was reading the Hamilton biography.  I wanted to give it to him afterwards.  I wanted him to read it as well., so we could talk about it.  I would like to think he would have done that.  He mentioned that he wasn't impressed by Hamilton.

Few people in one's life will love you unconditionally.  Love without any expectation of reciprocity.  I was fortunate to have my former father in law who believed in me.  With no strings attached.  He and my former mother in law helped me go to night school to go into IT.  When the twins were born, they would take a weekend and stay up all night with the twins so their dad and I could sleep for 8 precious hours.

This grief is a knot that may never come undone.  Logically, I know this is the way he wanted to go.  Peacefully (is death ever peaceful?) in his sleep.  Not after a long illness.  With all of his wits about him, completely independent. 

I'm almost certain I had a conversation with him about this very thing.

As a former daughter in law, my position is tenuous and intensely awkward.  My presence is not wanted.  There is some sort of competition in this grief. It must be threatening that I loved my father in law too.  Just because I divorced their son, doesn't mean I loved them any less. 

Truth will prevail, and this truth prevails.

New Tricks

I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms. - Henry David Thoreau, Walden or Life in the Woods

The past years of transition have been ones with many firsts for me.  I am also consciously embarking on many new experiences.  I'm finding a mix between the comfort of routine and branching out.

I went golfing.  I am not a golfer, have never been a golfer.  I've played lots of mini-golf, but true golf is a bit different.  I've also played video game golf, but again, there's a big difference between clicking some buttons and determining one's stance.  It can be tricky not to hit the golf ball like a baseball.

I went golfing with my work team.  Mostly I drove the golf cart.  I knew ahead of time I would not be very good, and I wasn't.  But it was certainly a new experience.  I prefer to do things (particularly at work) that I know and understand.  There is already a great deal of programmer culture to appear that one knows different technologies or programs (whether or not one does).

There's a tendency to want to rest on my laurels, but that's not how I want to live.  I want to be doing and trying new things throughout my life, no matter what age.

Then this past week, I stayed in a hotel by myself.

It was one of those things I was struck by.  It must sound so odd.

Here I am, a professional woman in her late thirties, and I've never stayed in a hotel by myself before. It's not that I haven't traveled before (I have) or that I haven't stayed in a hotel before (I certainly have).  It's just that usually when I travel, I would go with someone else;  my kids, my former partner, friends or family.  Or, I would travel to a friend or relative's home (by myself) and stay with them.  I haven't traveled for work before and needed to stay in a hotel.

I suppose that's why it felt disjointed, I wasn't aware that this would be a new experience, and yet it was.

What I miss

I don't miss a great deal about being married.  Is that heresy?

It seems like there is a lot of societal pressure to get married, to stay married, to be part of a couple (particularly for women).

These are some of the things I miss.

-Seeing my kids every day
It's not really part of marriage, but because their dad and I lived in the same home, I saw my kids every day.  Now that's not the reality.

-Changing light bulbs
As someone who is relatively short, it was nice to have someone taller around to be able to reach the light fixtures.

-Being able to easily drop my car off for service
It's a lot less complicated when you have two adult drivers.  I can drop my car off now, it's simply takes more effort and coordination.

-Comparing notes about my day
When you live with someone, it's nice to compare days and to support one another (daily).  I have lots of friends but it's not the same as having someone physically there.

-Having someone who could attend work events, etc. with me
It's a bit awkward at typical couples' events to be there by myself.  On the other hand, it's nice to only have to entertain myself, and not other people.

-Taking the babysitter home
It's a longer process to return home, pick up the kids and babysitter, take the babysitter home and then return home myself.


My former partner and I get along, so we're flexible when one of us is sick, needs to watch the kids, etc.

I know many divorced parents don't have that option.

Perhaps what's more strange is there isn't more that I miss.  Like anything, marriage has its advantages and disadvantages.

Thriving

Rose bush 2014

I received this rose bush as a gift, a few years ago. I wasn't sure if it would survive, if I had enough time to take care of a rose (on top of everything else).

It turns out I did.

And it survived this past winter, which my lavender bush did not.

I wasn't sure that it would weather being re-planted and moving to a new place. But it hasn't just survived (as the saying goes) it's thrived.

My husband and I recently announced our separation and pending divorce.  I don't want to go into all the reasons for what happened.  It's between the two of us.  It was not an easy decision, we are both responsible, and we both tried really, really hard to make our marriage work.

It just wasn't to be.

As I mentioned in my fb status update, we are committed to putting the kids first and making the transition as easy as possible for them. And so far, both he and I have really been successful in that.  I've known too many divorces/separations that haven't been that way, so I am incredibly grateful.

And it has been hard, despite how amicable everything has been.

I have also received an amazing amount of support from family and friends, which is humbling (and makes me tear up sometimes when I think about it). It appears that some of the stigma of divorce is fading (thank goodness) and that our culture is changing.

I don't know what the future will hold.  I do know that so much of my life appears to be unexpected.  But it also has pleasant surprises - and gifts I didn't expect.

Traditional Marriage

My fb feed has been lit up this week about the marriage equality issue. 

Many people have written eloquently about this issue, much more eloquently than I could.

I was listening to a commentator today explain their position against same sex marriage.  First, he started by saying that he appreciated that we were able to agree to disagree, to disagree peacefully (specifically in the protests in D.C.). 

I agree. I'm glad that the protests (on both sides) are peaceful.  Violent protests help no one, and violence with this issue would not be helpful.

Then he explained why he supports traditional marriage, between a man and a woman.  This is where his opinion offended me, a married mother of two.  From what I could surmise, his argument was that society had changed, that marriage was no longer a long term commitment.  That many children were being raised in single families without fathers.

Now I can't explain the causes of poverty, and I can't speak to parts of the community where fathers don't take an active role in their children's lives.  But it seems to me that the issue of gay marriage is not related to this at all.  The argument is that same sex marriage "cheapens" the marriage brand, and therefore makes fathers unwilling to marry their children's mothers.  Or divorce is easier and children suffer.

Again, I can't speak to some of the community issues.  I live in a middle class area, I have an education.  I have friends who may not be married to their children's mothers, but they all support their children.  I also know people who have gotten divorced - and for some - it was really the best solution.  I am thankful that divorce is an option for everyone.  Sometimes people do get screwed in divorce, and perhaps there should be divorce reform.  That's not an argument against gay marriage.  I

I enjoyed the pbs "Makers" program that recently aired.  And I can't help but think, when some people talk about traditional marriage, it's a euphemism for returning to the bad old days.  Where a woman couldn't divorce her husband, even an abusive a**hole non-providing husband.  Where it was perfectly acceptable to beat and/or rape one's wife (there was no such thing as rape within marriage).  Where women were routinely paid less for equal work and were not given promotions.    

I don't want to go back to that society.  Maybe there are parts of our society that have been lost, and perhaps that harms us going forward.  There are certainly values worth maintaining.  A wife who is property is not one of them. A marriage where the wife is a slave is not one of them.

My husband and I lived together before we married - I was shocked by how many people told us we were on the road to divorce (at least nine).  And these were not necessarily my conservative mormon relatives either.  (And yes, they were almost saying - maintain two separate residences before you make it legal - even if you never actually live at one of them).

While living together first can be complicated, I will recommend it to my children (if they ask my opinion).  As long as children from a union are supported (physically, financially, emotionally), that's what matters. 

Some people simply can't live together, and some relationships are better off ending.  I would much rather my friends and loved ones had happy, fulfilling relationships, than just staying together miserably. And legally, it seems to me if two people want to commit to one another, we should support that. 

No Way to Live

It can be problematic to put modern values on past societies.  We don't know what influenced their decisions, why they made the choices they did.

I've told this story a handful of times over the past month, so I thought I would share it here.  My feelings about divorce and separation have not really changed over the years.

Some of my ancestors are rumored to not have had a happy marriage.  She would make dinner for him. He would eat at the table, alone, while she would sit on the porch.  Then she would come in and eat. They couldn't bear the company of the other one that much - not even to eat together. 

Now, this story is just a rumor, I can't confirm it.  And perhaps there were other reasons for a married couple eating separately - perhaps it wasn't that they couldn't stand one another.

But divorce was a difficult thing back in the 19th century.  In many states, one person had to be at fault.  That's not considering the financial costs of divorce, as well as the social stigma.

Some couples may have decided that the cost of divorce wasn't worth the benefit. 

Each person and couple makes their own decisions, what is right for them.  But for me, it seems that there are times when divorce and separation are okay - and even preferred.  Everyone deserves a chance at happiness.  No one should have to live that way; where they hate their spouse so much they can't even be in the same room. 

Qualities in a Mate

I wanted to address a comment I heard some years ago, which I am taking out of context. The person who said this comment doesn't read this blog (as far as I know). I think relationships are incredibly complex. Much like how parenting seems to have all sorts of contradictory information out there, I think relationships do as well.

I was talking with someone about relationships (okay, so now that I think about it, this could have been over fifteen years ago). In this person's defense, this comment may have been tailored to specific information or just that they were having a bad day. I don't know.

Their observation was "Well, (the person I was talking about)'s parents stayed together, so they have a good model for dealing with conflict within a marriage. Too often in our culture, parents get divorced without really working on the relationship. This can bring consequences for the children."

Basically, this person was implying that in looking for a partner, I should not look at someone whose parents' divorced. That's probably not what they meant to say, but that's how I heard it.

Granted, this person was very religious, and their beliefs obviously influenced their worldview.

I do not think something so complicated can be reduced to such a simple statement. I think such a statement is unfair to children whose parents divorced. They (the children) didn't choose that their parents would get divorced. Why should anyone hold them (children or adult children) accountable for their parents' actions or choices?

Why not focus on the qualities the person themselves has, not what has happened in their lives?

It's true, however, that a person's childhood and the relationships that they have with their parents DO impact their life choices. It's naive not to think that. And by watching parents interact, it informs our own (one's own) relationships. What a person thinks is normal.

But it seems to me that these types of attitudes, like my friend's above, are simply harmful to everyone. It doesn't take into account the reasons that people get divorced, some of which are very valid reasons. And may, in fact, be in the best interests of the children involved - as I noted here. I probably should have spoken up at the time and asked for clarification.

I think fear can govern the choices we make. I believe it's important to recognize when we're doing something out of fear - as opposed to honest awareness and acceptance of any situation (which can change). We don't honestly know what will happen in the future.

I admit I'm biased about this - and all of these statements are informed by my own worldview.

But I don't think that having parents who stay married necessarily mean that they (a potential love interest) are functional or good at dealing with conflict. I'm not sure the converse is true either.

That's not to say that some people who have been married for so many years aren't inspirational. Or that the relationship one's parents have or had doesn't influence a person.

I just think it's infinitely more complicated than that.

It seems to me that in any relationship or friendship, we need to be open to new information, to change but also honest and aware about ourselves and our expectations. We can challenge some of these old assumptions and stereotypes - and look for the real person inside.

Well, how should we react?

In this post, I talked about how in Russia, people would be openly unhappy and no one was perturbed by it.

Sometimes in our (American) culture, it seems like we're supposed to feel certain things. The proper reaction is x. It could be mourning, or soul-searching. Or being so upset about something that you don't try to laugh or enjoy life.

Just because a person has gone through a difficult experience, doesn't mean that's their entire life, or should color their reactions throughout the rest of their life. That's not fair for me to determine how much power that experience should have over someone else (it's actually rather arrogant of me/one to assume how another person should react).

Recently, a friend was talking about a divorce (note to any readers who may be wondering, no regular readers/posters online), and how one of the people in the divorce was still giving upbeat status updates on a social networking site**. Oh, and keeping up friendships. My friend was distressed about the upbeat status updates.

It's true, the original person (getting the divorce) may be in denial. This can be a difficult situation, and very painful for everyone. I can't say.

On the other hand, if there's anything I'm learning, it's that I have no idea how other people are feeling or "should" be feeling.

I can give support and listen - but I'm not going to prescribe that someone wear "ashes and sackcloth" (isn't that from the bible somewhere??)

No doubt, if the person WAS constantly dwelling and talking about their misery over the divorce, people would judge and say they should just "get over it" and "stop being so negative".

A person can't win.

I appreciate it when people are trying to mourn their losses and show authentic feeling. And if they are happy and able to enjoy life (no matter what the circumstances), I say that's great. Not to be mean or spiteful, but to find some measure of serenity.

Worrying about other people's reactions to your happiness (or anxiety) will only drive a person nuts.

**If nothing else, people aren't always completely "real" on social networking sites anyway, so this may be a moot point. I'm certainly conscious of what I write, and share things with close friends, not with everyone on the networking site.

Cultural Change

From an idealistic perspective, one would think we would have examined many of these issues and addressed them as a society/culture. For the most part, I think people agree with these principles in theory.

Perhaps I've just been hanging around a liberal college educated crowd.

Here are the principles, in no particular order:

1 - Women need to be able to provide for themselves and their families in case of death or disability (even if they are stay at home moms).

2 - There are times that married people should be separated.

So, for my first point, I heard about a mother who just recently lost her husband. They had five kids. He was in his forties. Their youngest child is 14. She never worked outside the home and has few skills/little education. At the funeral, a family member suggested to her that she should be able to live (without getting a job) on the social security death benefits and (perhaps) some small life insurance. Before he passed away, her husband was working two jobs. Again - they both were living their lives as if a mom staying at home (even when the youngest was 14) was the ideal - no matter what the reality was. Obviously, I don't know the entire situation. I'm just speculating for some of this and heard other parts of the story third hand.

I don't know if she will need to get a job now or not. But so often (especially in mormon/LDS circles) this is not emphasized. I do believe this is changing somewhat.

But it frustrates me that any family has to face this. With 50% of marriages that end in divorce (even among devoted religious families), and the chance of a husband's early demise - it is incredibly risky to not be prepared (somewhat) on some sort of career/education to fall back on. It seems to me that it is not against "family values" to ask that both partners' in a marriage to be prepared. And to encourage young women to get a good education.

For my second point, this is a sensitive subject at the moment. What I can say is, my husband's grandfather and his second wife are currently legally separated. On the good days, I think their immediate family agrees that this is in both their best interests. They had reached the (sad) point where she was interfering in his medical treatment.

For example, it's a little like what would happen if my grandmother had another stroke and my grandfather refused to call the hospital.

Anyway, it's just a messy, difficult situation.

So despite the fact that they are legally separated, various people are still treating them as being married. The local church's women's group (very conservative) sent them flowers - addressed to both of them. My grandfather in law was incredibly stressed out with how to separate the flowers.

Perhaps they were being kind, but also likely is that it was a subtle jab - we know you're separated, but marriage is a lifetime commitment in God's eyes. It's a little like my friend whose mom still received mail addressed to her and her ex-husband from the local Roman Catholic parish.

Then, this past weekend, another well meaning family member chose to ignore the separation - taking them both out as if nothing had happened. This is the same niece who wanted to take them out to buy a new car a week after their last accident. Again - going back to someone being married and the marriage vows/honor of that marriage meaning more than any logic or well-being/interest of the people involved.

I am not someone who feels that religion is always a bad influence. But in both cases, people were using/citing religious/cultural beliefs to promote unhealthy/unrealistic behaviors.

That women who focus on motherhood do not need to prepare their education or for a career and two - that marriage vows trump a person's health. In both cases, the people involved are incredibly religious, both (I think) in fundamentalist religions. I do not respect either of those beliefs - and I am separating the person from the belief. Typically I try to respect other people's beliefs, but these are two categories where I'm not able to.

The majority of religions agree that women need to have the security of their own education and careers. And, most religions agree that separation or divorce are acceptable in cases of abuse.

So why is it so difficult to get these messages to the laypeople? To people and families involved?

How do we continue to promote change within our culture?

Not the worst thing in the world

In response to someone in the extended post mormon blogging community mentioning they were getting a divorce - an anonymous person felt the need to comment that divorce is never the best option for the kids.

The exact quote was: "Just so you know, it NEVER, EVER and I mean EVER is a good or appropriate time in a child’s life for their parents to divorce."

I disagree. I think there are plenty of good reasons for a couple or parents to divorce. There was a time when couples could not divorce (without cause) and divorce laws were stricter. I think of Anna Karenina when I think of unhappy marriages and the stigma of divorce in the past. I'm glad that our society has become more open.

I think a one size fits all statement like this just doesn't work. Life and relationships are much too complicated. Each of this blog's readers could probably come up with many examples of families who stayed together and it was for the best or divorced and it was for the best. Or vice versa and it was hard on everyone. If you're not in the relationship yourself (as chanson mentioned)
how can you really know what's going on or what's best for a couple and their
children?

For the record, I consider myself happily married at the moment, just wanted to respond to this opinion which I hear quite often in the mormon/ post mormon community.

Reason #1 - physical, emotional or verbal abuse. Although things get much more complicated if abuse is involved, any parent who is experiencing abuse should be able to divorce. This is in the best interest of the health and safety of any children in the relationship. These situations are very complicated but suggesting that anyone should stay in an abusive relationship is ludicrous.

Do I need another reason? In case I do - for the sake of argument...

What if one parent is gay? What is one parent has an affair and there is a loss of trust?

I've spoken about divorce with two of my friends whose parents divorced.

In the situation of my first friend, J, his parents divorced after many years of loud arguments. Both parents were unhappy, but stayed together because of my friend. They divorced when he was 14 - but he doesn't ever remember them being happy with one another. He was told repeatedly that they were staying together because of him (talk about a guilt trip). He has mentioned before that he would have preferred they had divorced long before they did.

In the situation of my second friend, his parents divorced after twenty years and six kids. His dad had an affair. The divorce was ugly for many reasons. Not the least of which was that they were Roman Catholic. After five years, the local RC church (parish?) still sent mail to the mother's home addressed to both names, Mr. and Mrs. she was not able to teach in Catholic school any more either, she was told she was "a bad example".

Part of the reason this divorce was so hard on the kids was that the family's religion refused to accept or recognize it. The mother lost her job which made things worse. Also, the mother had many anger issues (understandably) towards the father and became upset when the kids decided to hang out with their dad or accept Christmas gifts from him. There were a ton of money issues in that situation as well.

It doesn't make any sense to me why someone should stay in a marriage (or feel guilty for leaving a marriage) if there has been an affair. I think the loss of trust between a couple can be fatal. I think it's actually quite healthy for one parent to stand up for themselves and say, I don't have to put up with this. I can be part of a healthy, happy relationship where trust is the foundation. The fact that there are religions who promote one parent staying in a marriage despite an affair are a little incomprehensible to me. Again - it ties back to the one size fits all prescription that doesn't work.

I think there are things that parents can do to make a separation or divorce easier on their kids. Because just like with any transition or change, it can be difficult. They can ensure the kids are financially provided for.

To continue discussing the example of my friend whose parents divorced after twenty years, the unstable finances made any fallout from the divorce ten times worse. The divorced parents fought over medical and dental care - the mother couldn't afford the care (for whatever reason) and so the kids went without. I don't want to imply that the mother was the victim in the situation, because it seemed to me that she was just as responsible (in some ways) for where the family was after the divorce.

I think therapy for the parents and the kids is also important, depending on their ages. Also a good lawyer for each parent is essential. Someone who knows the laws and isn't going to let the father buy a new boat (for example) but give it to his second wife so it doesn't appear under his assets. Some people don't need lawyers and mediation can work. I think that's great. But when things start to get messy, someone starts hiding income or refuses to support the kids, that's when (unfortunately) the courts need to get involved.

I'm not suggesting that divorce is not hard on the kids. It's hard for the kids to shuffle between parents and families on holidays. It's difficult for them to move from one location to another during the week or on the weekends. Anything both arents can do to make this easier is essential.

With that said, I think it's important for kids to have parents who are content and happy. To have relationships where they are valued. For the parents to be in a relationship where their emotional and physical needs are met. If the parents have worked on their relationship, but it's not working (for whatever reason) - staying together for the kids is probably not for the best. Each couple knows when this point is.

Obviously, there are exceptions to this.

Yet in my opinion, there are worse things for kids than their parents divorcing. I won't go further into them (but I can if pressed!!)

It's hard, but life is hard. Sheltering children from reality and disappointment will not ease what happens when they find out that life is not simple.