Well, how should we react?

In this post, I talked about how in Russia, people would be openly unhappy and no one was perturbed by it.

Sometimes in our (American) culture, it seems like we're supposed to feel certain things. The proper reaction is x. It could be mourning, or soul-searching. Or being so upset about something that you don't try to laugh or enjoy life.

Just because a person has gone through a difficult experience, doesn't mean that's their entire life, or should color their reactions throughout the rest of their life. That's not fair for me to determine how much power that experience should have over someone else (it's actually rather arrogant of me/one to assume how another person should react).

Recently, a friend was talking about a divorce (note to any readers who may be wondering, no regular readers/posters online), and how one of the people in the divorce was still giving upbeat status updates on a social networking site**. Oh, and keeping up friendships. My friend was distressed about the upbeat status updates.

It's true, the original person (getting the divorce) may be in denial. This can be a difficult situation, and very painful for everyone. I can't say.

On the other hand, if there's anything I'm learning, it's that I have no idea how other people are feeling or "should" be feeling.

I can give support and listen - but I'm not going to prescribe that someone wear "ashes and sackcloth" (isn't that from the bible somewhere??)

No doubt, if the person WAS constantly dwelling and talking about their misery over the divorce, people would judge and say they should just "get over it" and "stop being so negative".

A person can't win.

I appreciate it when people are trying to mourn their losses and show authentic feeling. And if they are happy and able to enjoy life (no matter what the circumstances), I say that's great. Not to be mean or spiteful, but to find some measure of serenity.

Worrying about other people's reactions to your happiness (or anxiety) will only drive a person nuts.

**If nothing else, people aren't always completely "real" on social networking sites anyway, so this may be a moot point. I'm certainly conscious of what I write, and share things with close friends, not with everyone on the networking site.

fireworks

We saw fireworks with the kids for the first time the other night. Despite the fact it was raining, they were still pretty thrilling.

Thrill can also be contagious around young ones.

I was just thinking that fireworks are one event that will never move solely to the interwebs or tv. I've watched fireworks on tv (the past few years) to make sure my two weren't terrified and got to bed at a reasonable hour.

Fireworks on tv are nice, but it's simply not the same as actually being there and seeing them light up the sky.

*I* like trains

So I've mentioned that my son is obsessed with trains.

If I never see another Thomas video, it will be too soon. I do know this is something he loves, so I maintain an uneasy alliance with it.

But I realized as I was visiting my parents over the weekend, I love trains. My parents live around 200 feet from an active freight railway. Sometimes as many as two or three freight trains will go by in a given hour.

And they live around six blocks from another railway where I could ride the train all the way to my college. Some of my best memories are of riding various passenger railways (here and in Russia).

In college, the trains were one of the first things people (who weren't used to them) noticed. There were train whistles throughout the night.

Someone once characterized my college town as a sleepy railway town - and it was.

Perhaps the appreciation for trains is easier, living where I do now, where I am not often stopped in my car at a crossing. I can visit occasionally, listen to the rumbling of cars and screeching of brakes. But I'm not forced to confront these things on a regular basis.

From my vantage point, train engines are pretty stunning, some could consider them majestic.

Perhaps it helped that over my vacation, each time a freight train rumbled past my son (and daughter) would run to the window delighted.

On vacation

I'm on vacation and it's lovely.

Some flowers from a garden hike:

More flowers:

At the beach:

Milk

I woke up this morning to the power flickering on and off. Funny how you forget to appreciate the small things until they're no longer there.

Fortunately, we (somehow) have an electrician on call, and the power company reconnected our power lines. Which is how I can sit here blogging at the moment.

I just watched the film "Milk", which won numerous academy awards last year. Almost all of my readers have probably already seen this film, but my movie-going free time has been greatly reduced since having children. It's not that I never have time to see movies, but often I see them six months or a year after they are released. It's just the way it is right now.

So much that I agree with has already been said in various places on the interwebs.

I just find the struggle for respect and human rights inspiring. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, to speak your truth. It takes courage to be yourself. It was an inspiring film, one that I won't soon forget.

Since you asked: I'm a fan

I'll confess, I love Cary Tennis' advice column on salon.

I'll admit to having read lots of advice columnists before, but for some reason, I enjoy his column more than others. I suspect that it has to do with the boundary setting/expectation lowering/detachment that is often a part of his responses.

Here are two that I particularly like.

My ex grew her hair long for the new guy. I begged her to grow her hair long when we were together, but she kept it short. Why has she grown it out now?


For this first one, I can totally see this. Either that the ex did it realizing it would upset her first husband, or just because she felt like it.

Human relationships are really, really odd. If I've learned anything in the past, I've learned that. Motivations are complex for all sorts of things.

And - my mother is crazy, what can I do?

She has persecution complexes and paranoia, which is why she won't see a doctor!


For this one, I think it goes without saying why it speaks to me - I appreciate Cary's response. There's nothing you can do about a parent who won't help themselves. Sadly.

There are some things you can do, but you have to prepare for the consequences. And simply live your own life.

Anxiety!

My anxiety levels have been through the roof recently. And it's odd (for me) because nothing has really changed.

Things are going well and have been pretty stable for some time now.

I hesitate to even mention this, as it's over-sharing no doubt, but I also try to be pretty honest about my journey and where I'm at.

And, if there is one person reading this blog who has ever been remotely near this place (where I am), and thinks twice about getting help because they think "well, aerin did it, so maybe I can too" - that's why I'm bringing this up.

So a person doesn't feel like they are the only person on earth who has ever felt this way. Where I physically feel a tightness in my chest - it's hard to breathe.

Deep breathing/meditation doesn't seem to help. Haven't broken out the "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" yet, but that's helped in the past.



I'm going to make an appointment and get it checked out. Who knows where the journey will lead.

I'm so thankful that the stigma on this type of thing is disappearing.

It is still there. And it's not covered by some health insurance (another complaint I have)....

Sometimes I still even hear people say something like "you have to be really crazy to..." but honestly, I feel it's a little like alcoholism and addiction. Sure, there are a ton of people out there who are severe alcoholics/addict, the wild off the wall non functioning type who are homeless, family -less or worse because they can't stop drinking - the 10% or so. Then there are the rest who may have a problem, but they keep up with their job, their families, some of their responsibilities. In other words, functioning alcoholics.

Yeah, I know that functioning line is hard to draw.

What I'm saying is, I don't have to have lost everything in my life to realize I need help.

Someone wise I read recently mentioned that in our culture/society - we know so many buzzwords for self-help and therapy that we don't think we really need to work on things - with a professional. The idea of opening up can be terrifying.

I grew up in a family where the stigma was incredibly real. As I've mentioned before, my own mom went years before being officially treated and diagnosed. I remember hearing that shrinks weren't interested in helping anyone, just keeping people in therapy. I heard that if we all just prayed more, and read the scriptures we would be okay.

And I can't help but think sometimes about all that wasted time. If we hadn't been fighting that stigma as a family.

Ignoring the problem didn't work for us then and it will definitely NOT work for me now.

So I'm going to continue to breathe. Wish me luck.