My Dad vs. My Father in law

Both are phenomenal people. They both work exceptionally hard for their families (and continue to work hard for their adult children). They have sacrificed a great deal. They are both men of faith who take their religious beliefs very seriously. They're both great with kids - flying in the face of stereotypes about fathers.

But they do have their differences. My father in law is a lawyer. He is very good at what he does. He thinks on his feet. He believes strongly in having a well-thought out argument and positions. He is great at buying cars and haggling with car salespeople. He is good with people in general (you don't realize what he's doing, but he's flawlessly working a room). He and I disagree about some things, like the concept of joint custody, but for the most part, I can respect his opinions and where he is coming from. He is not good at fixing things.

My Dad is first and foremost an engineer. He is also very good at what he does - he has had various engineering careers over the years. He's not necessarily good at managing people or understanding what motivates them. He's a quick learner and an amazing problem solver. My Dad is not a quick thinker or good at confrontation (which is why he's not a lawyer!) He and I disagree strongly about some things, including religion and religious dictates. With some things, I don't understand how he can believe them, but I can accept that.

Our wagon has been broken for months, since last Fall. One of the straps was no longer attached. It was one of those annoying things that busy parents (like myself) just work around. We tried a couple of easy solutions (glue), but none of them worked. I would put my daughter (goose) on the one side with the broken strap, as she was much less likely to climb out of the wagon in transit.

Last weekend I was visiting my parents. My Dad took the kids for a walk around the block in the wagon. When he got back, he had lit the grill, but he also mentioned the broken strap to me. Within a matter of minutes, he had rigged up something that fixed the wagon for us. He (of course) had all the tools and parts in his garage.


While it would have been possible for my father in law to fix this, it would have been much less likely.

Each person has strengths and weaknesses. There have been moments over the years when I've felt like my Dad and my Father in law were in competition with one another. It simply flabbergasts me.

They are such different people and have such different skill sets. It's a little like me trying to compete with a skilled politician, a plumber or an olympic swimmer. I'm none of those things, and they're not where my talents lie. To compare with cars, it would be like trying to drive (and park) a large truck in the city - or attempting to move using a motorcycle.

For the most part, I try to sit back and not put them into positions where they compete. It's simply a strange position to be in - caring about both of them, with what I know about both of them and their talents.

Fear and Motherhood

While this is a little late for mother's day, I think it is valid to mention just how much terror is part of motherhood. I know I'm mentioned this a little in a post before, but I've been thinking about it recently.

And it fits - as there are a handful of things I've been angry about. Each time I think about what I'm angry about, I start to question what it is that I fear. And almost always, the root of my anger comes directly from some sort of fear. Fear of being a bad parent. Fear of illness, or worse, losing one of my children or my husband. Fear that there is something else/more I could be doing that I'm not doing.

Of course, there is fear that we have to face in every day of living. Most days are mundane and repetitious. It's a cliche to say "Who knows what tomorrow will bring?" but it's absolutely true. Today, I can be happy that I'm healthy, my children are healthy and we have a stable, secure, safe existence.

I know I've written (and certainly said) that you can't live your life in fear. You can't refuse to do something just because you're scared of what might happen - you might miss out on so much.

But it's equally important (in my mind) to acknowledge just how much fear is guiding your actions. I'm not talking about being cautious (a virtue in its own right) or conscious (aware of yourself, actions around others, etc.). The more knowledge, the better in most situations.

My car pool partner brought up the shakespeare quote - "'tis better to have loved and lost..." last week, and it's true.

Sometimes it's just damn hard to take some risks.

I had heard that motherhood was "the toughest job you'll ever love". I don't think I understood exactly what that meant before I was a parent.

I don't think I realized how easy it is to judge another parent/person and their decisions until you're in their shoes. It's simple to judge someone else, to feel they should be doing things differently. And then you have your two year olds screaming about only eating peanut butter toast - and all the conscious, balanced meal planning you swore you would do goes out the window.

I try to be a conscious parent, a conscious mother. I try not to hover - to do the helicopter mom thing. I do know, no matter what I do, there is so much of this parenthood thing that I'm not in control of. That no matter what I do, that I will embarrass my children. That I will hurt my children's feelings. That they will disagree with many of my choices when they are adults.

Yet I hope they know just how much I love them and want to do what's best for them. That I'm aware of this process, and want to keep them as safe, happy and healthy as possible.

My husband says wryly that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

But I do want the best for my children, and I will work as hard as I can towards that goal. And I'll also try to forgive myself for all of the things (in this process) that are out of my control. And acknowledge what might be possible - getting beyond the fear of the unknown.

politics

We've been getting quite a few pieces of political mail recently.

It's always been a trickle, but it's getting rather annoying.

Of course we recycle it all.

Still, I started thinking. Why can't some fellow enlightened voters get on some sort of "Do not mail" list? I would happily go online and sign up for this. I would even be willing to sign up on a website for each individual politician running for office. They would (of course) not be able to sell the addresses.

I am that serious about not wanting this junk mail. It would be an "opt out" option.

As in, I am following the issues of this election.

I know what your position are before I enter the voting booth. I know what your background and experience is.

That mailer - the one with you surrounded by children or at a campaign rally?

It's not going to sway my decision. Why not save your money and the environment?

Books I've read recently

I've actually had some time to read recently - two for book club, two on my own.

The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards



This book had a fascinating premise. The basic plot involves a doctor in the 60s who delivers his own twins in a snowstorm. His wife is in a drugged haze and only the doctor's closest nurse is at the delivery. When he realizes that his daughter has Down Syndrome, he decides to send her to an institution. He also lies to his wife, and tells her their daughter died. Their son survives. Disgusted by the nature of the institution, the nurse chooses to raise the daughter as her own. The book follows the lives of the families, the basis behind the father's decision and lies.

I will say, the characterizations were sometimes a bit stretched. Some of the events seemed improbable. I will admit to being a literary snob - expecting unique and full fleshed out characters with every novel. To my mind, one scene was very contrived, as if "they all woke up and it was a dream". It seemed like an obvious plot device to move the book along. I won't mention what it was, but if you read the book, it's not hard to determine.

What I did appreciate, however, was the notion of how damaging some family secrets can be. Back in the day, families kept silent about many things. Adoption, alcoholism, mental illness, mental disability, ancestry, etc. Sick as our secrets definitely applies here. And in the book, it's obvious that this secret impacted each of the main characters lives. I'd like to think that we are more open today, that we are more willing to face these issues and the supposed embarrassment they might cause.

I will say, in terms of secrets, I do think there are some things better left unsaid. Obviously, in terms of this blog, I don't often take that advice. But as a parent, and a friend, it's hard to know where that line is. But in each decision, a person has to weigh the costs and benefits. And most certainly, with the above list of adoption, mental illness, physical illnesses, death, etc. - I believe fully that a family should be as open as possible.

Which leads me to the second book I've read:

Secret Girl by Molly Bruce Jacobs



In the not so distant past, it was common to institutionalize the mentally disabled. Even today, some Americans find out that they had siblings, family members they never knew they had who had been institutionalized. This was the case for Molly Bruce Jacobs.

Her sister was institutionalized after birth. The author didn't know of her existence until she was thirteen, and didn't visit her until she was in her 30s. The memoir follows her life, as the author struggles to make sense of this impossible choice. She works to develop a relationship with her sister and understand this secret's impact on her life and her alcoholism.

It is an unbelievably sad and honest memoir. It tells how an adult understands and accepts their parents' actions and accepts and forgives their own actions and motivations. Molly wasn't defending her parents' actions, but by writing the memoir and developing a relationship with her sister - she was trying to make things right. As right as she could make them. Just like any of us, knowing we can't make up for the past, but trying to do the best we can with what we have.

On from family secrets/dysfunction:
Night Watch by Sergei Lukyanenko

wikipedia entry about the novel

This is much lighter than the other two books. It's sci-fi/fantasy - good guys vs. vampires, light vs. dark. There is definitely a tradition of Bulgakov here, I don't get all the references but I'm pretty certain they are there. Like the best sci-fi books, there isn't a clear line between good and evil. Everyone is just doing their best, what they think is the best.

While there are some great female characters in this book (like Tiger Cub and Olga), it doesn't pass the two females having a conversation on screen test. At least not in this first book. There is, of course, one scene where Anton switches bodies with Olga - and has a conversation with his love interest, but that doesn't count (to my mind). That scenario is actually very Russian - from my experiences there. Many of my American professors would say that Russian culture (at least in the mid-90s) was as if the sexual revolution never happened here. It still may be true. At least, women are required to wear makeup, care about their appearance - otherwise they might be lesbians.

Okay, perhaps that isn't fair with the novel, but there is definitely a Russian cultural tradition there. And, with all the comments about switching bodies and Anton struggling with high heels and makeup - and other restaurant goers saying that Anton looked butch - it's not a stretch to my mind. I may be mistaken - but that was my impression. The women in the novel (and movies) do have a central role, but it was some of those stereotypes that really bothered me.

So aside from American cultural issues, it was a fascinating insight into current Russian culture (despite being about vampires). The reader knows that Anton's side, the light, is fighting a losing battle, but you can't help but root for them.

Last but not least is:
The Painted Drum by Louise Erdrich




I've always like Louise Erdrich's work. She has an amazing grasp on language. She also has stunning insight into humans and their relationships. This was one of the books we discussed at book club, and one of the participants praised the use of native american culture and lore. It is, sadly, a perspective and story that is not often told. Just as with the first two books, some parts were particularly sad. One or two of the characters/sub plots did seem out of place, but all in all, an interesting read.

The issues she discusses of repatriation are incredibly important and relevant. It is difficult to decide which community an object belongs to, particularly a sacred object. In the novel, the drum has an intensely spiritual connection - and it restores community (either magically or coincidentally, depending on your perspective).

I think the nature of spiritual objects, respect, scientific study is one I will save for another blog post. But I believe these issues are very important. For many of these native cultures, their objects and culture were stolen. And genocide was committed against some of the native american communities by the United States government. There's no other way to view the small pox laced blankets or the trail of tears.

I found this article on the Smithsonian website when I was researching this topic. The author clearly understands how controversial this topic can be. From what she writes, I can also see the museum and learning perspective. That there may be some history that can be gleaned from specific objects and processes. But only when all parties agree to allow the research and respect is the foundation of the research.

The illusion of choice

This is not a post about the current U.S. political situation.

And I've addressed this topic (sort of) before with this post on regrets.

But someone on one of the lists I read mentioned the novel "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera the other day. I love this book and the movie (one of the rare book/movie combos that I've appreciated). It made me smile that anyone was discussing this work on the internet. I haven't discussed the book for years - since college.

Anyway, the poster was talking about the return to Prague - that the characters couldn't handle living without friend and family. They couldn't handle the freedom of their lives outside Soviet Czechoslovakia. I am grossly over-simplifying what happens. The poster's premise was that freedom is sometimes too difficult for us to deal with (and I agree that sometimes freedom is a scary thing).

I think the novel is about more than that. I think that it discusses how we develop our sense of self - what makes us "tick", who we love, what choices we make.

As I get older, I have more sympathy for a post modern perspective on life. That in fact, we don't have a great deal of choice in what we do or where we end up. Modernism is the idea that everything was developing up until the culmination of this time. Modernism encourages the social construct that a person can "pull them up with their bootstraps", etc. That if I work eighty hours a week, I'll get somewhere - that if I raise my kids "right" they will turn out a certain way.

I'm not suggesting the radical notion that a person has no control over their thoughts or actions. I'm just suggesting that for the majority of us, we were born into a specific set of circumstances. We were born with a specific set of genes. Some predispose us to intelligence, reason, linguistic skill. Others predispose us to high cholesterol, heart disease, mental illness, alcoholism, etc. And that's just the genes. Social interaction, family life - country of origin all play into a person's abilities and where they will end up in life.

I didn't choose to be born to a large family that was mormon - or to be American or to have blue eyes. I'm just suggesting that many choices are already made for us, even from the moment we're born. My eighth grade social studies teacher warned us that "Soon, doors will start to close".

And to some extent, he was right.

I hate to sound negative, because I believe there can always be new beginnings. Change is always possible - but sometimes it comes at a price. Sometimes we really don't have the freedom that we think we have.

Joe* did it

Joe is a little boy in Goose and Noggin's preschool class (Goose and Noggin, my boy/girl twins, about to turn three).

I guess he must get into a great deal of trouble.

Somehow though he ends up on the losing end of things around our house that go wrong. Is the toy train missing, or a shoe? Was sand spilled outside the sandbox? Funny, how Joe has never actually been to our home, but still is the cause of all these occurrences.

We were walking around the block the other day when we saw further evidence of Joe's far reaching abilities. If you haven't had the joy of walking around the block with two very independent two yearolds , you are missing out.

It is not for the faint of heart - or for someone who wants to get to their destination quickly.

Both of my children were determined to stop and pick up rocks in a driveway, then sticks. At one point, near the end, they wanted to take plastic flowers out of someone's flower bed (no, I don't know why they had plastic flowers in their flower bed either, thankfully, I didn't have to explain that). I had to explain - that's not our yard - we only go in other people's yards if they invite us in.

Needless to say, there was a water main cover (it's a metal cover, around 8 inches in diameter) missing in the sidewalk. Noggin squatted down to take a look at it, and drop a rock or two in the small hole. Then he proclaimed "Joe took it".

That Joe! What a gifted child to get into so many things in so many different places!

*names changed to protect the innocent.

Confrontation

I hate confronting people. I will go out of my way to AVOID confronting someone. I realize this is a learned behavior so it can be unlearned. But it is d*mn hard.

Partially, I think it's that I'm not good at reading social cues - or hinting/manipulating. I'm not someone who thinks quickly on their feet. I'm tactless - although thankfully more tactful than my mother. I've been known to beat dead horses (in conversation) - often. I know I've probably offended various readers of this site in the past - without knowing it.

So - in advance, I apologize for any past (or future) offense. I do put my foot in my mouth, often.

I've confronted people in the past. At times the confrontation goes very poorly. Often, since I dread confrontation, I let things go until the situation has gone too far. I become very emotional about it - and can't think clearly. The other person (at times) is either not able to hear me (I mean really hear me) or to respond (for whatever reason). Their feelings are deeply hurt.

In college, I lived with a handful of passive/aggressive people. I wasn't able to confront them about it. The negativity and paranoia set in for me - it was one of the lowest times in my life so far. I had no idea where I stood with these supposed friends. Some might be friends, but I couldn't be sure. For example, one person would ask my roommate for a ride. She would say yes, feeling obligated to drive them. Then, she would complain incessantly about that person and having to drive them somewhere. I started thinking - what if every time I ask this person for something, they say yes and then resent me for it?

Everyone in our circle was fair game for this backstabbing. No one (really) wanted to be honest about their feelings. No one would say "No".

My personal level of paranoia was off the charts. Because I wasn't able to confront her - and was paranoid about her response - she and I are no longer friends. For this reason and other reasons. I don't think she would have ever been honest with me - ever told me how she really felt. If she even knew how she really felt. I would have had to read her mind.

I give this as an example - as I am just as responsible for speaking up for my own hangups. If I don't say something, a person will never know their behavior is NOT OKAY.

Yet in some cases, like one currently with a person I work with -I'm not sure they will ever be able to hear me. Not only is age, intelligence (possibly), tact, mental hangups in the way - we still have to work together. I don't know if they will be able to change - but at least they will know this behavior is not okay around me. Unlike the prior example, this person and I are not friends and I'm perfectly fine with that.

I would much rather stick my head in the sand. I want to ignore the issue. Yet that is a cop out.

I can't keep complaining about something - if I won't do something about it. I need to confront what's going on - or let it go.