Turning into one's parents

I was determined at sixteen not to turn into my parents.  That may have been a life goal of mine at the time.

So it's ironic some years later to realize various ways I'm turning into my parents (and admit it to my children and the internets).

- I don't order pizza delivery
It used to drive me nuts as a teenager that my parents wouldn't order pizza delivery.  I ordered pizza myself a few times as a teen.  But now - the cost of tipping the delivery person is just too much.  And it's not as if it's a lot of money.  For me, I am much more willing to drive to the pizza place and pick up pizza myself (bonus points for the frozen pizza they carry).  And when the weather is awful and I don't want to cook - I hate the idea of the pizza delivery person driving to my house.

- I have been putting meat in the freezer
My children's dad was shocked when we first moved in together that I would put bacon and sausage in the freezer.  He felt this was heresy.

But for me, now, I'm eating a lot less meat, and it could easily go bad.  So I'm putting it in the freezer, and defrosting what I need.

- I don't play the lottery
For me, playing the lottery always feels like burning money.  It must be how much I know about the math involved - it's more likely that I will be struck by lightening.  Not sure if my parents said this explicitly, but it was always implied.

One of my goals is to be frugal, not cheap.  I read about the cheap vs. frugal dynamic - being cheap is deliberately not spending money and not being concerned about quality.  Frugal is being conscious about spending money, and working towards quality.

The most important part (to my mind) is making conscious decisions.  I am consciously choosing these habits of my parents (which typically make logical sense). It would be foolish (and immature) to reject good ideas just because my parents did (or did not) choose them.  I think it's only natural that each person chooses to be like their parents in some ways, and chooses a different path in other ways.

The infamous $10 peaches

When I start driving to Utah and canning peaches, that's when it will be time to be concerned.

Gardener

This is not a label I would have given myself.

I do a surprising amount of homemaker things, despite not being a full-time homemaker.  I bake, knit, cook and garden.  Yet I refuse to can (or raise chickens).

My parents observed this about me on a recent visit. They said I was their "gardener" daughter.  I was a bit taken aback. There are other differences between me and my siblings.  Fortunately, gardener is a positive label, and not related to the fact that I'm their only child with offspring.

Tomato plants in the front yard of my old house

In comparison with my apartment dwelling siblings, I suppose I am a gardener.  I've had tomato plants most years.  Tomato plants are notoriously easy.  When we purchased our current home, it was winter and I didn't realize what I was getting into in terms of yard work.  The previous owner obviously loved gardening.  I've posted photos of the lillies, magnolia tree, persimmon tree, cherry tree.  She also planted raspberry bushes.

For some things (like the raspberry bushes), it's just a matter of weeding.  Our back yard is a step away from returning to midwestern forests. 

I took the observation from my parents as a compliment.  I don't know that it's something I'll do for the rest of my life, but for now, it fits.

I Don't Want To Talk About It

Some may wonder why I would be interested in a book about male depression. 

Simply put, depression impacts everyone.  The argument Terence Real makes in this book is that covert depression affects men, and wreaks havoc on their families.  This is different from the traditional model of depression - where a person is not able to sleep, eat, work or function normally.  Real's theory is that anger, workaholism and abuse of substances like alcohol in some men is generally related to depression.  That sometimes depression in men doesn't fit the traditional "bell jar" model, but it can be just as damaging to everyone. 

For some, anger is expressed towards oneself (depression has often been described as internalized anger).  The author gives examples from his own practice and therapy groups (anonymous of course). Traditionally, the only acceptable emotion for men has been anger. 

Real talks about how many parts of American culture are designed to cut men off from their feelings, from appearing weak or feminine.  He mentions the passive trauma that many boys (but in my opinion, many children) face.  That this "passive trauma" can long term be just as damaging and can sew the seeds of adult depression. Real gives examples of his father's explosive anger and physical abuse, teachers watching as a boy is bullied each day for being "fat", kids who ignore a coach who punches a student. 

Boys are often told to "be a man" - but what does that mean, really?
It is weighted and treacherous subject matter.

I have long thought strict gender roles hurt everyone - men and women.  In this book, Real suggest that the socialization of men can be just as damaging as it can be to women.  That men often need to gain access to their feelings, being more relational to develop better relationships - with themselves, their spouses and children. 

He is suggesting that by addressing the covert depression in men - the whole person can be healed. That parts of the cycle of violence can be broken*.  That often, men will not seek therapy or help for themselves, but to not be the same person as their father was.  It's not that

I mentioned "pansy crap" earlier.  This was mentioned in a comment at MSP a few months ago; I can't find it at the moment. 

There is a ton of anger, suspicion and fear towards men talking about their feelings.  It's almost explosive - talk about a problem-with-no-name in American culture.  Comments like "pansy crap" are meant to dismiss men, their perceptions and feelings.  (The ultimate insult for a man is still to be like a woman).  And while men may deny their anger and fear - their families and children can suffer. 

Until the base assumptions are addresses, and men and women are allowed to explore their full potential and authenticity - we will make no progress as a culture.

*One case study in the book talked about his wife's feelings first, her disappointments, fears, etc.  The notion of carried feeling - children trying to make their parent's mistakes right - struck a little close to home for me.  What am I trying to do because it's right for me? What am I trying to do to heal, fix of change my parents....yikes.

Sibling Relationships and Assumptions

I heard part of this program about sisters the other day on the Diane Rehm Show. The book by Deborah Tannen (You were always Mom's favorite) sounded interesting, and I will probably read it at some point.

I think there can be a special bond between siblings. But I do not feel that if a person does not have this sibling bond, that they will be missing out on having a fulfilling life. (One of the callers on the show gave this impression).

I think each of us has different experiences and different relationships.

I'm certainly not trying to downplay the caller's obvious pain about not having that sibling relationship. I think I'm just saying that just like a relationship with a parent, we don't always get to choose our siblings or families, or the dynamics of those families. It's just not cut and dry.



My twins are beginning to recognize that they are different people, with different likes and dislikes. They are becoming more independent (something my husband and I are fostering). They disagree, and at times we talk about how it's okay to disagree, and to have different interests. They sometimes have different expectations of each other, and those expectations clash at times.

This has all been happening for years, but as they become more verbal, it's easier to discuss with them.

When they were first born, some people would say things like "oh, they will always be friends" or "they will always be close". And I silently disagreed.

It's not that I don't want my children to be close. I hope they will be friends and be able to support one another. ***

But I also think that how a parent reacts to their children, whether or not they play favorites, handle individual attention and competition and whether or not they "force" a friendship or relationship between siblings makes a difference.

And, of course, the siblings themselves may just be very different people, with different personalities.

Two anecdotal examples:

The first is that I asked an friend with a twin sister if he had any advice for me (as the mother of boy/girl twins). He also cautioned against forcing my twins to be friends - saying his parents had done just that, particularly as teenagers. And as we all know (or most of us can agree) the surest way to get a teenager to do the exact opposite is to force them to do something. It wasn't that he disliked his sister, but the parents' getting involved in their sibling relationship was not helpful.

The second anecdotal example: a friend of mine from a large dysfunctional family (not mormon) grew up with two sisters. His mom didn't have sisters growing up, so she was determined that her two daughters be good friends. (The same mom also didn't want them to cut their hair, as she believed it looked better long - like I said, there were lots of unreasonable expectations in that family, and not a lot of tolerance for differing views/feelings).

This was some time ago, they (the sisters) are both now adults, so the situation may be different. But at the time, as sisters, they didn't seem to have an especially close or ideal relationship. And their mom's insistence on a friendship didn't seem to help either.

Of course, this is all my opinion from the outside, not being in either sibling relationship, I don't know for sure.

I don't think that a person can make assumptions about sibling relationships, or assume that siblings will always be close.

***Note: I enjoy interacting with my own siblings and want the siblings of mine reading this blog (hi!) to know that I love and appreciate them for the unique people they are. This post is not necessarily a reaction to my own sibling relationships but sibling relationships in general (and stereotypes of those relationships).

I *think* so

My daughter bit her tongue over the weekend, and we spent some time in the emergency room.

She's fine, she didn't need stitches. She's back to eating most of the same food she did before.

But what gave me pause, looking back on this incident, was when the doctor asked me if she had all her shots.

I replied "I think so, I think she has".

My husband confirmed, "She's had all her shots."

It's true, I was there when she had all her shots. I know vaccinations can be controversial, but we have been a traditional family (in that sense). We even get the flu shot. I don't carry the list around with me, but I'm pretty sure she's had all the shots she needs (we've gone over it with pre-school and everything).

I find it interesting that I am so non-committal in nature. Most of the time, when asked a direct question, this is how I will respond. Even when I know the answer to the best of my ability.

It comes from making lots of commitments without knowing what I was getting into, specifically religious commitments. Or that growing up, things were fluid - making a commitment would have real consequences (when I couldn't follow through with that commitment for whatever reason).

I try to be open to other points of view and new information , sometimes to a fault.

For example, I was asked to be a reference for a friend who was thinking of foster parenting/adoption. When asked (on the form) what kind of parent I thought they would be, I said "I think they will be a good parent". Because I don't/didn't really know what kind of parent they will be and it's hard for me to commit to such a serious statement. This was another time that my husband observed - you might want to say you know they will be good parents. Saying "think" might give the wrong impression. (He had/has a point). Despite the fact that from my view, they've always been good parents.

My husband is much better able to make definitive statements about things. It's just his personality.

I'm not sure what it is about me or my personality that makes it difficult to make definitive statements.

But it's something I will try to be more aware of, and to work on.

Basic Skills

My Mom had some skills she wanted us to learn before we were adults. They were (in no particular order):

1 - Learn how to type
2 - Learn how to drive (and drive a manual transmission - stick shift)
3 - Learn how to swim
4 - Learn an instrument

So I've been thinking recently about which of these skills I want my children to learn.

I don't think the typing/keyboarding is going to be a problem for anyone from my children's generation.

I doubt the driving thing will be a problem either. I was so excited about learning to drive and getting my license (and the freedom that entailed). I took my driver's test the day after my sixteenth birthday. Now, my children might not feel the same excitement, but I get the feeling they might. The stick shift part may be more difficult, but still should be possible.

As my husband is a musician - I don't think the instrument will be an issue either.

I was thinking the other day that we needed to enroll my children in swimming lessons. We still might.

And then I realized - *I* could teach them to swim!

One of my sisters worked as a lifeguard at a local pool for years. She taught official lessons and private lessons. As long as I took one child at a time, I don't think it would actually be too difficult. I could still enroll them, and I might. But I don't think it would be out of the realm of my ability. Teaching simple things like, putting one's head under the water, blowing bubbles, kicking on the side of the pool, dead man's float.

Some of my other goals to teach my children (or make sure they learn before they leave my home):

1 - How to sew on a button
2 - How to change a tire and/or the oil on your car
3 - How to disagree without being disagreeable AND to say no gracefully
4 - How to (somewhat) manage your money (i.e., not spend it the day after you get it)
5 - How to read a map of a public transportation system (will this be necessary with GPS and blackberries?)
6 - How to make basic meals (how to cook) and do laundry (separate dark and light clothes)

My freshman year of college, one of my roommates shared that she had no idea how to boil water. I couldn't/can't imagine not being able to cook even the simplest of meals (boiled eggs or hot dogs). Other friends had no idea how to do laundry and waited for their parents to show up to get clean clothes. Now, I was at times almost TOO independent - but I think some of these skills are simply part of adulthood.

One can, of course, pay someone to change the oil on your car. But it's nice to be able to choose that, and to know you *could* change the oil yourself if you had to.

Education

I was able to tour a local public school yesterday, one that is built on the notion that different things inspire different children.

I'm looking at schools due to the fact that we will need to start applying for various programs in the fall - and making decisions next spring for that year.

I want to have as much information as possible before making a decision.

My parents felt very strongly about education (and still do). While we moved a lot when I was younger, they always tried to move somewhere with a good school district. Often that meant that my family was on the lower end of the socio-economic scale - but I learned a lot. I received scholarships and assistance to college, - and while my own work was a good part of that, the schools/teachers/community that prepared me ALSO had a great deal to do with my success.

The school I toured yesterday was awesome. I am proud that it is part of my community, and that such schools are supported. It is based around the idea that music, art, science and physical education are just as important as linguistics and mathematics. The focus is on projects and concepts, not on rote memorization.

Tests, of course, focus on the linguistic and mathematical skill (typically).

But just because someone can take a test, doesn't mean they can be successful.

At this school, some of the standardized test scores at this school are lower.

But I am still considering sending my twins there (if we can get in) simply because of the focus on different types of learning and development. I do know some people who did not do terribly well at writing essays or equations, but are tremendous artists, musicians or mechanics.

I firmly believe in this theory - and even can identify it in myself. I was much better at geometry than algebra. I can do algebra and memorize equations, but it doesn't come naturally to me.

My question is why all the schools in this country can't be more dynamic and flexible to the students' abilities and needs. I don't want to suggest that schools do not need to be accountable, nor that they don't need to teach the basics.

But the business of education should be about preparing good people, not good test takers.

Four steps ahead

The last major altercation I had with my mother was over what my husband and his groomsmen were going to wear to my husband and my wedding. It was an interesting situation.

Basically, mormon men (of a certain age) almost always have access to suits. Most LDS American men (over the age of 18) have at least one suit - unless the family is destitute. And despite having no money for anything else, the family will scrimp and save to get the males in the family a suit for church and a possible mission.

So it was incomprehensible to my mother that the groomsmen in our wedding, all in their mid twenties, would not own suits. And that they would see no reason to buy or rent one for my husband and my wedding. And that we would not demand that they rent suits or tuxes for the wedding.

Around a month prior to the wedding, my Mom called me. She said she had found some gray tuxes (with tails) that could be rented for $100 each. She said she would even pay for them (a kind offer, this would not be a drop in the bucket for my parents). Now, gray tuxes will no doubt come back into fashion (as everything does!!) but they were not in style then.

I politely but firmly told my mother no. I said that this was my wedding and I was quite comfortable with the groomsmen wearing nice shirts and ties.

My Mom kept talking and getting progressively more distraught, saying things like, "Groomsmen have to wear suits in weddings!" and "How is it possible they don't have suits??!". And "it just won't look right".

Finally, at some point in the conversation, I said "Fine, maybe I just won't get married".

The point of this story is that in some ways, I take after my Mom.

Upon hearing that I was not going to get married, my Mom didn't say, "Oh, so you're breaking up?" or "Oh, you're moving out since you're not getting married?" or "Oh, so you're moving back in with us?" (three hours away, with no job).

My Mom says "Well, we can clean out the room in the basement..." (if you don't know my Mom, this comment is beyond classic for her. And I do love my Mom).

The subtext, fully, was all of those four things, that by not getting married, my then fiancee and I would break up, I would move out, quit my job and need to move back home.

My response was, "No Mom, I'm not moving out. We're just not going to get married."

That's when my Mom hung up the phone on me.

(My husband's friends wore nice matching shirts and ties and it looked great. From everything I've heard, no one noticed what they were wearing except people who had heard this story. And perhaps some mormon relatives who aren't used to men in their twenties not wearing suits.)
____________________________________________________________________


The point of this post is that I too, often think four steps (or more) ahead. I'm an over-planner.

I think if x happens, or if someone feels a certain way, naturally other things will fall into place. I will have to do x, y and z.

That is not the case with life or with relationships.

It makes sense that I'm this way - that I try to anticipate what will happen. That I try to prepare myself, as I have been caught blindsided by life before.

The truth of it is, I can't prepare for everything. No one can prepare for everything. I can only trust in myself, that the best way to respond will become clear. That I will be open to new paths and new solutions and learn from my past and those that love me. And to attempt to enjoy life along the way - as who knows what tomorrow might bring.

My Dad vs. My Father in law

Both are phenomenal people. They both work exceptionally hard for their families (and continue to work hard for their adult children). They have sacrificed a great deal. They are both men of faith who take their religious beliefs very seriously. They're both great with kids - flying in the face of stereotypes about fathers.

But they do have their differences. My father in law is a lawyer. He is very good at what he does. He thinks on his feet. He believes strongly in having a well-thought out argument and positions. He is great at buying cars and haggling with car salespeople. He is good with people in general (you don't realize what he's doing, but he's flawlessly working a room). He and I disagree about some things, like the concept of joint custody, but for the most part, I can respect his opinions and where he is coming from. He is not good at fixing things.

My Dad is first and foremost an engineer. He is also very good at what he does - he has had various engineering careers over the years. He's not necessarily good at managing people or understanding what motivates them. He's a quick learner and an amazing problem solver. My Dad is not a quick thinker or good at confrontation (which is why he's not a lawyer!) He and I disagree strongly about some things, including religion and religious dictates. With some things, I don't understand how he can believe them, but I can accept that.

Our wagon has been broken for months, since last Fall. One of the straps was no longer attached. It was one of those annoying things that busy parents (like myself) just work around. We tried a couple of easy solutions (glue), but none of them worked. I would put my daughter (goose) on the one side with the broken strap, as she was much less likely to climb out of the wagon in transit.

Last weekend I was visiting my parents. My Dad took the kids for a walk around the block in the wagon. When he got back, he had lit the grill, but he also mentioned the broken strap to me. Within a matter of minutes, he had rigged up something that fixed the wagon for us. He (of course) had all the tools and parts in his garage.


While it would have been possible for my father in law to fix this, it would have been much less likely.

Each person has strengths and weaknesses. There have been moments over the years when I've felt like my Dad and my Father in law were in competition with one another. It simply flabbergasts me.

They are such different people and have such different skill sets. It's a little like me trying to compete with a skilled politician, a plumber or an olympic swimmer. I'm none of those things, and they're not where my talents lie. To compare with cars, it would be like trying to drive (and park) a large truck in the city - or attempting to move using a motorcycle.

For the most part, I try to sit back and not put them into positions where they compete. It's simply a strange position to be in - caring about both of them, with what I know about both of them and their talents.

Linger Longer

So - I know I didn't announce that I was going on vacation for a week - and have been incredibly lax with posting. I thought about posting - and about all the blogs I was missing, but I determined that having a conversation with my parents (whose home I was visiting) about this blog was not the stress I needed. In addition, I was chasing around two 2 year olds throughout my parents' home, by myself (by choice, but I didn't have a lot of free time) which is a post for another day.

My parents' LDS ward (like a church) had a "linger longer" session last Sunday. This was incredibly fortunate for us. They happen (according to my father) every two or three months or so. This is a new tradition - because I certainly would remember it if they had it while I was growing up.

Most of what I remember about Sundays growing up was being so hungry after the three hour church session. So any day where they served ice cream and snacks after church would have been very welcome.

It also allowed us to visit my parents' ward so they could introduce their grandchildren to everyone without forcing them (or me) to sit through the service. I haven't attempted to force my two to sit through a church service yet, and I don't plan on it any time soon. We would (no doubt) spend 50 minutes of the 55 minute service walking around the foyer.

So we saw some of the people I grew up with. My daughter, goose, was a little shy, which she is with most strangers. My son was happy to talk with everyone. I introduced them to two of the women I looked up to (who are still in the ward). I babysat for their children back in the day. They are both feminists and NOM (New order mormons) of sorts. They (by the way) are two of the people who I am thinking of when I talk about good, intelligent people who happen to be mormon. There were also more people of color than I remembered, which is great.

Unfortunately, my desire for gossip was thwarted since my parents' ward was divided back in the early part of this decade. Most of the people who I grew up with lived in the wealthier suburbs, and they were switched to another ward in the division. (At some point, I'll explain the LDS system of assigning members to wards, instead of letting people go to whatever ward - think church- they want to).

I know that I need to let the gossip thing go - and I try not to care, but I find myself still interested in where everyone ended up. Some of it is genuinely hoping that people are doing well, other parts are simply to feel better about where I'm at.

My siblings (who are also no longer mormon) looked at me as if I were crazy, but it wasn't so bad. No one threatened fire and brimstone - calling me to repentance. No one even mentioned the fact that I was wearing pants (although nicer pants). Everyone thought my two were adorable, and my Mom wore a grin from ear to ear. It's nice to do something so simple (and free) that can make them happy.

Twins' birthday and relationship with my parents post mormonism

We had a great, low key weekend celebration for the twins' birthday.

I've heard of people who do separate parties for their twins - at this point, this is not on the horizon. I think it would be hard to explain to one why they weren't getting any gifts. At this point, even at 2, they are determined that things should be equitable.

If my son, noggin, wakes up, he wants to know where his sister is. If they get some sort of semi-nutritious crackers as a snack, we have to give the same or similar amounts.

Last year's first birthday gathering was very hectic. We invited many of our friends, their kids and both of our families. We had a five and seven year old girls there. I have to say, 1 year old twins, a five and a seven year old are interested in completely different things. On top of that, my husband's 92 year old grandfather and his wife stopped by as well - the first time they had visited our home in the three years we had lived there.

I found afterwards I was exhausted, and I hadn't spent a lot of time with either twin.

So this year, we decided to go very simple. We invited family, period. We decided not to invite my husband's grandfather - who lives an hour away. We will probably go down and see him at some other point.

It worked beautifully. My dad helped fix our new double jogging stroller. My father in law helped set up the new water table/sand table (which was/is much loved). We didn't start the festivities until noggin and goose (my daughter) woke up from their afternoon nap, which they are still taking (thank goodness!!)

My husband grilled pork. We had cantaloupe for my daughter, goose - she loves cantaloupe and watermelon and eats them both like candy. They got simple gifts from the family members who know them well - cardboard blocks, shoes (goose loves shoes), a sand bucket, shovel and dvd's. My son (noggin) tried to hold the dvd's while he opened the other gifts. It didn't work so well.

All in all, it was a relaxing weekend, celebrating. I still have to pinch myself to admit that yes, I am a mom and yes, two years ago yesterday I went into full labor with these two wonderful, healthy children. I'm trying hard to call them kids/twins/children instead of babies, but it's not easy.

I know that the readers of this blog are at many different points in their lives. I will say, I am so glad my relationship with my parents is going so well. As I've written about before, they are mormon/LDS and are still pretty mormon (they go to the temple, my dad is the ward clerk, etc.) Yet they obviously love and value their grandchildren. When they come to visit (around once every three or four months), they spend time with us. They don't even attempt to attend a branch of their church (which I even offered to find the location for them). I know it's difficult to find substitutes for their classes and other responsibilities. It means a great deal. Clearly, we are important to them as well. It has taken us many years to get here. We
don't talk about mormonism.

I think they feel that I left because I was offended. While I think I've explained to them why I left and why I'm not going back, they probably will not be able to hear me. In the end, what they want to believe is their right.

I can't imagine being in Lemon
Blossom's situation - but I have to say, I'm not surprised that her parents drove nine hours to see her, without asking first.

This is part of the reason I don't live in the same town as my parents - since I know they would probably end up doing this (showing upunannounced) occasionally.

The LDS take a family member leaving very seriously. Some handle it differently
than others. Fortunately, unlike the Jehovah's Witnesses, there is no official policy of "shunning" a family member who has left the faith. while some LDS families may shun or mistreat a family member - it varies widely. From talking with other former mormons though - I know my situation is unique - and I feel fortunate every time we hang out with my parents.