It's not my place to judge. Why is it any of my business if someone decides to adopt a child from a foreign country? It shouldn't be my concern. That's a decision that their family has made.
But I have to admit I have mixed feelings about their decision.
There, I've said it.
It's not fair to their future adopted daughter. Who I'm sure will be beautiful and intelligent. They are giving her a chance - which she almost certainly wouldn't have had in her birth country. She will grow up with every advantage here. Her parents and grandparents are very comfortable.
I'm hoping that by blogging about this and admitting I have mixed feelings will help me acknowledge it and move on.
I really don't understand what they've gone through. I know the mom had been on fertility treatments for some time before their son was born last year. And that her pregnancy was very difficult. I can't begin to comprehend what going through the treatments or having morning sickness until week 30 would be like. (I only had morning sickness until week 20, and I didn't have to take medication for it).
So why wouldn't it be okay that they decide to go to an Asian country to adopt a little girl?
Overall, I think the US adoption system needs a serious overhaul. I only have second and third hand evidence about the process. But, as a society, it doesn't seem right to me that couples are going overseas to adopt kids when we have kids here in the US that could be adopted. Granted, most of the time, the kids here are not babies and have baggage. And the birth mothers have up to a year sometimes to change their minds. This would be a heart break for any family to go through. An overseas adoption does not have that chance. And, the second hand evidence is that kids here in the US usually could have special needs - birth mothers who abused drugs or alcohol during pregnancy. But is this really the case? I don't know.
I do know that parents here have to jump through enormous hoops to adopt from the US. To some extent, that makes sense. You want any child to go to a fit parent. But are the adoption agencies allowed too much discretion in their selective process? So US couples decide it's not worth the hassle - and that it's easier to go overseas?
I don't understand why adoptive parents have to go through so many hoops when basically anyone with the fertility could become a parent.
My father in law suggests that we should start selling babies to the highest bidder. When he first suggested this, I thought he was joking. As I thought about it, it does make some sense. Why not compensate a birth mother for the ten months of incubation? Why not make sure all her medical bills (and living expenses) are paid for? Obviously, some oversight would have to exist to prevent people from adopting who were not fit parents.
Yet currently, many adoption agencies are very concerned with adoptive parents being religious and Christian. There are lots of other random requirements that aren't fair.
So I'm going to try and hold my tongue and be happy for my friends. I don't know them well enough to share my mixed feelings with them. I don't think it's right to adopt a baby when your kids will only be 9 months apart.
I'm sure part of my issue is that I'm not sure I agree with having kids close together. Of course, I had twins so my two are automatically close together. So take anything I write with a grain of salt. I just think that some of the conflict I had with my sister (who is fifteen months younger than I am) over the years was due to how close we are. Sometimes there can be a great deal of competition between kids who are so close in age. I'm not critizing a couple who has children close together, because there are many advantages (including those for the parents). I'm just suggesting that it's not always the best policy - especially if your kids will only be nine months apart??!? It is hard for me to understand their urgency in adopting now.
It is none of my business what decisions another person makes about parenting. As I posted in Run Ladies Run, these issues are complicated. It's not fair that one couple is able to have kids when another is not. It's not right that people are allowed to become parents who are not capable of being parents (those who abuse their children). The chances of that changing in the U.S. are about one in a zillion. No politician could ever run on a platform limiting fertility.
And not only that - but there is another couple we know who has not been able to conceive. I would feel much more comfortable with them going to Asia (or anywhere) to adopt. How crazy is that? Why would I feel more comfortable with one couple than another?
So I look forward to any and all comments. Please feel free to tell me I'm way off base here and being too judgemental, because I might be. It's a relief to get this off of my chest.